I have 2yo twins & a 3yo.....and a 16yo GIRL. From the moment our day begins my kids throw tantrums, fight, scream, cry, yell, argue.........it is SOOOO draining & stressful. I *try* to practice love & logic. I *try* not to yell at them, but I DO discipline them. Time-outs, etc. However, I'm only human & sometimes it's just too much. I feel so frustrated with them & crabby, short-tempered & overwhelmed. I am home alone with them & it's like this ALL day, everyday. I can't just go take time for myself to relax mid-meltdown. I do count to ten...sometimes. I do put myself in brief timeouts - like lock myself in the bathroom for 1 min of deep breathing. But these techniques don't always help. So, what do you do?? How do you deal with the urge to pull your hair out? How do you control your temper? As I write this my boys are fighting over water.....cuz that's so limited, right?? LOL!
I'm on the verge of losing my mind so alllll suggestions are appreciated. Oh, and a p.s. My husband is Fantastic about helping, but 5 days a week he works 6pm-6am & sleeps until 4pm. So 5 days a week I am alone around the clock. So, again the advice to take time for m$yself does nothing to help the daily grind over here. I feel like my days are torture....and I DO NOT want to feel like that!! And another p.s. YES! We stay busy, busy, busy, have a schedule, lots of physical activity, and naps. During nap time I drive across town to pick-up my oldest from private school.
You have a 16 year old that can help out with the little ones. She shouldn't be burdened with major child care but she should be helping out around the house significantly and helping babysit on occasion. She can earn time behind the wheel with Dad to practice for getting her license or an afternoon on a weekend going out for ice-cream with Mom to reconnect.
If you have additional family that can help, then ask. That's what family is for.
Rescue remedy spray...whether or not it actually helps, I don't know, but it seems to. Just knowing when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope I can take a spray of this herbal remedy and chill a moment...well it gives me SOMETHING to do.
Also, I try to think about the idea that it is from ME that they learn how to handle frustration and anger so I am trying to model healthier ways to deal (I fail miserably most days but I try!)
Finally, I reward myself when I can finally get the kids to bed, whether it's a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine, a TV show while the kitchen is still a mess...whatever. Something for ME! I understand being the 24/7 parent...my husband is deployed this year and I'm home with an almost 4 year old and a 1 1/2 year old and there are days I'm ready to jump! Deep breath, close your eyes, bedtime will come eventually!
Hang in there...
Would planning seperate playdates for the kids help you? That way you wouldn't have 3 so close in age at the same time. My brothers were close in age and when it got to be too much for my mom, she'd send one of them to a friends house. It brought a tremendous amount of peace to our house and my brothers were happy to see each other when they were back from playdates.
I hope that's helpful for you! Good luck friend!
I feel for you but it does get better as they get older, especially for boys (for mine the magic age of understanding was 4). But it did take work, every day. I like the going to the gym idea; most gyms have childcare while you workout - it's worth the $30 or so a month for a very healthy break. You might want to look into preschool even if it's for 2 hours. Another valuable thing I learned in a parenting class is first time obedience which I taught them using a marbles system. Basically, we did one rule each week (e.g. Listen the first time, pick up after yourself, etc). I posted the list on the fridge and each week we discussed and worked on one rule. They each got a jar with their name. Each week they started with 5 marbles each; each time they followed the specific rule, they received a marble; each time they broke the rule, they lost a marble. At the end of the week, each person that had 10 marbles in their jar, got a special date or treat. On the next week, the previous rule was expected and marbles were no longer given for previously learned and expected behavior unless you went above and beyond the expectation. My kids loved this system and wanted to continue using it even when they had learned and were mostly following all the expected rules. Once in a while, they need a reminder but a good talk and laying down the law (I take away privileges) and we are back on track. Hope that helps.
Well so I typed a long carefully thought out answer to you and took too long so it timed out and I lost it all. So lets see if I can do the short version. I understand how you feel. I did daycare for 27 years and had a house full a lot of days and no one else here to help. I am more patience that most so that makes a big difference. My thought is this:
Im glad you say your husband helps, but when does he help? He gets home just in tme to get the kids up and fed breakfast. He can dress them, and play with them while you get ready for your day and take older daughter to school. Then shop, or clean house or pay the bills, while he takes them for a walk, and gives them a nice little morning snack. About 10am he is off to bed and you take over. Youll have some play time, and lunch, and then ready for naps. Dads sleeping, and you go get the daughter from school. Just about then, everyone wakes up and dad is off to work while you and teen daughter trade off and help watch kids and cook dinner. After dinner its a calm play time, and baths, and bedtime easily for their age can be 7:30 and then you and older daughter have the rest of the night to straighten up, do homework, watch tv, or read, relax and then go to bed. If you think about most stay at home moms, who have working husbands, dad is gone all day and sleeps all night. M. can easily be with the kids over 12 hours a day and dad comes home to dinner made and he relaxes while M. is frazzled. You would only have about 6-7 hours with the kids and plenty of breaks during the day. Does this work for you? Maybe Im not looking at this right and Im nuts. I so, just tell me. But I bet dad can do more when he is home before he sleeps and it leaves you way less time to go crazy with your kids. Let me know if it works. (o:
Lavender essential oil. I am not kidding, it keeps me relaxed and free from frustration. My life is VERY stressful and I have been running on minimal sleep for the last 4 years (not by choice!). I have definitely seen a decrease in feeling overwhelmed and frustrated since using Lavender.
I buy the Aura Cacia brand and get it from www.vitacost.com
HUGS!
Its all about, mentally doing it.
For me at least.
You 'know' you are upset... so then you need to self-reflect and then SWITCH your mind, over.
I also tell my kids, "Mommy is going in the other room to de-stress." And then I do.
It really is a mind over matter thing.
But not easy.
For me either.
It take practice.
EVERYDAY is 'practice' LOL
You are fortunate, your Hubby is helpful and helps.
But his schedule, is not easy.
ALSO, try just NOT having a schedule!
Don't do so much.
You don't have to.
Just do nothing sometimes.
And take a "me" time, when you can.
Leave the house.
Your Hubby can babysit.
OR, get someone, to come and babysit, even if your Hubby is home, so YOU can get away.
Oh, what a handful! I wish I had some fabulous advice to offer. The only thing I can say is to pick your battles. i mean, if they are arguing about water, let it ride. Eventually they will stop. If it is something big, get involved. This probably sounds impossible, but try to shut out the tantrums and bickering as much as you can. I work with a kiddo who earlier this year would throw HUGE fits. I said, "I'm not upset with you or anything, but your fit isn't really working for me. Let me know when your done because I would love to hear whatever you have to say." Then I just walked away and went to my desk. When she was ready, she stopped and came to me. I learned to shut out whatever was happening until she settled herself down, and it worked really well.
I'm sorry you have so much to handle without an opportunity for a real break. Hang in there and know that you are a good mom, and all of us have our meltdowns. It's only human. :)
God Bless you! I only have two and they are in school all day, but getting them ready for school, to do homework, take baths and ready for bed is a battle. And they are old enough to be doing the majority of it on their own. I wish I had some magical advice that would make it all better, but in light of that...
Consider a play (Mom's) group. I hear they are miraculous. You may need to try a few or start one of your own to get the right fit.
Enlist the help of family and friends who ask, "is there anything I can do?"
I'm sure your 16 year old is busy with school and all, but sit down with her and ask her for help. Maybe she can take them outside for 30 min so you can do something with out being interrupted.
The three year old is old enough for preschool next fall and possible old enough for Vacation Bible School this summer.
If you don't already follow this rule, I suggest you start immediately...
Say what you mean and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!!!! If you say do this or else this will happen and they don't, you better follow through or they will just stop listening to you.
I can tell how frustrated you are but you are an awesome mom for asking for help and admitting that you are not perfect. Hang in there K., you will get through this.
Okay... I don't recommend the whooping with the remote. Please don't go there.
Sometimes when I feel myself losing it, I catch myself and just have to change my mind set like someone else said. Take a step back so to speak and truly pick your battles. Sometimes when my kids are fighting over something, I think OMG you are fighting over THAT??!! I don't say anything though, walk over and take it away. I take away a lot of toys!!! I just don't want to hear it. They now know that if I say you need to take turns, if they don't it will be confiscated. Predictability, they know what mom will do if they are... Hitting=spanking, fighting over a toy= confiscation, being grumpy to everyone=time alone in my room, etc. Consistency can't be stressed enough with kids. Turn off the tv and save it for when you are about to crack:). Play with them. Look at your schedule and see you are too busy because sometimes kids do better when they aren't busy and have time to just play.
Being a mom is a tough job!! Hang in there!
Honestly I dont stay calm and cheerful if my kids are driving me crazy I tell them they are driving me crazy, yes I yell I send them to thier room I have been know to slam doors and cupboards, I dont think it is healthy to "talk" to your kids "calmly" put them in time out. I dont beat them and the yelling doesnt happen often but when I do have to resort to yelling they know they have gone too far.
We all are human and snap. I *try* to do Love and Logic, too. I think I need a refresher course. I'm sure it would help me be more aware and conscious of my reactions. At any rate, here are some tips that help me (I need to apply some of them to my own life right now. This morning was full of whining, slow-to-get-ready kids and a yelling mom).
EXERCISE!! My kids know that "Mommy goes to exercise so she can be nice." I don't necessarily enjoy running, but I love how I feel afterwards. And there are plenty of classes at the gym that I genuinely enjoy that clear my mind, push my body, make me feel like a winner, and just leave me on a post-exercise high. If nothing else, it gives me a break from the kids when I need it. I'm too busy to do this all the time, but when I'm really frazzled I'll do the hot tub at the gym after exercising. Once I went and just put the kids in the daycare and read a book in the locker room :) It was just one of those mornings (and I pay for the daycare there, so I don't feel bad using it for what I need).
Turn on some music that you love that just gets you in an awesome mood and dance or clean or relax to it (I have some nice noise-cancelling earphones for when the kids are screaming or whining too much). I should do this more often, because I felt so elevated the few times I've cranked up my music.
Take a break every once in a while, trade with a friend, have your husband watch them while you have a day or night off with friends, or get a sitter if you have the money. And spend it doing something that fills you up and with positive people you love. I don't do this as much as needed because I feel like I'm too busy to take time away, but you've got to be full before you can fill those other little cups up that depend on you.
Get enough sleep. I'm meaner and cope less and I'm grumpy when I'm tired (which I feel like is every stinkin' day! I need to take care of myself and get more sleep, dangit!) And make sure the kids get enough sleep so they are better behaved.
Look at their behavior -- are they just being demanding kids, or maybe there is a legitimate need that is being unmet. Some one-on-one time with each of them where you give them attention and love will go a long ways to boosting relationships and moods and behavior.
When I'm really resenting one of my kids or having a hard time being around them (sometimes they go through phases that are really difficult) I look at pictures and videos of them when they were little. It totally softens my heart towards them and helps me remember all the warmth I have ever felt towards them. It also helps me see how fast they grow up and reminds me to enjoy them here and now while they are mine and living with me. I'll miss this someday, the good and the bad, and this helps me remember that. We'll cuddle together and flip through a scrapbook or watch a family video and we're bonded and feel more loving towards each other.
We're all there with you and wishing you the best! I have a cousin whose mom was a stay-at-home mom, and she just remembers feeling like her mom was unhappy and resentful and frazzled. I'm sure her mom was just trying her best, but that made me sad because sometimes I worry that's what my kids will remember in their childhood. I try to tell them (and really mean it) how lucky I am to stay home and play with and teach them and express that gratitude to my husband for making it possible. Gratitude does wonders for how you feel inside, so maybe write or take mental note of the beautiful things in your life on a regular basis. I've recently had a friend lose a child and boy does that put things into perspective. Guilt and scarcity mentality and fear of losing a child aren't productive feelings, but it has been good to change my heart from focusing on the negative to being grateful for the negative. I want both the good and the bad of my kids, because when it comes down to it I'm just so happy to have them.
It sounds like you are very frustrated at the bad habits your kids have gotten into with the tantrums, fighting, etc. Been there, done that. You need a way to break the bad habits. I find that eliminating what is frustrating me the most does wonders. Then I let the rest go.
Maybe your little ones would like a sticker chart, with a sticker each day and a reward when they earn a small number of stickers. We tried this when all else failed, and it worked wonders! Start with a specific goal for each child. For us, 3 stickers meant a trip to the dollar store because we knew our son loved that. But since your kids are younger, maybe a treasure box with special stickers, small toys, and candy would work. Once they meet their goal consistently, you can raise the goal, and eventually you won't need it. Also, you can change the goal from time to time.
While I realize that we want our kids to be good because they choose to do so, and not for an external reward, sometimes we need a way to break the cycle.
Also, set a goal for yourself with a reward. After all, you work hard to raise these kids, and none of us moms are perfect!
I have 3.5 yo twin boys and one on the way. I too often find myself extremely frustrated, yelling, throwing things, TRYING to practice L&L like you. Having accountability helps. I have several ladies I can talk to when I'm overwhelmed. They pray for me and I pray for them. I do however have bad mommy days when I feel completely out of control. The boys arein PS from 9-2 on T Th so it helps to know that there WILL be a break in there! I do think I need another day but that's all I can do at this time. Modeling the cheerful attitude is so hard some days. At the end of the day, there is usually more good mommy than bad mommy for them to remember, so that's important too.
