thank you ladies for all your responses. NOw I took some of your advice and decided to talk to him about counseling before jumping to a divorce nd now hes acting like the victim]. I kicked him out and that was over the top. That I don't trust him and that he created that profile while we were separated and thought he had deleted the profile. Which is still wrong even though I left him because days later after I left he emailed me telling me that he loved me that he will wait for me , that he would remain faithful during this separation and that we would be together again, that he was my PIC. The following day I received the same email reminding me of hes love for me and hes support. We had communication and then 4 weeks later he created the profile. that is where I feel he wasn't being thruthful to me. I was 26 weeks pregnant, the separation was hard for me but I needed to do it because he was over controlling and manipulative and I was super stressed and I didn't want it to affect our baby. so kay anyways back to the topic, my husband now feels he has the power to decide if we continue or divorce. LOL, we are to continue our conversation tonight. The only thing I feel I did wrong was kicking him out instead of asking for space....and I did tell him that. So now he feels he has control. lol...what do I do now? sorry for the lol's...I am just laughing on how he changes things around so quick
What do you want?
I read this post yesterday, and with today's it seems to me that you want him gone.
Which is fine. I am not the person that will tell you to go through counselling and try to salvage things. I believe in people being able to end it without having to strangle something to death.
So...what do you want. It doesn't matter what HE wants. What do you want?
Then go from there.
i don't get all the LOLs. i'm not seeing the funny.
stop yo-yo-ing back and forth. you've got a child, and this stupid roller coaster needs to stop. you're an adult, you've chosen to procreate for whatever reason with this schmuck, and now it's on you to provide some semblance of stability for your child. inbetween all the LOLs and the second-guessing you indicate that your husband has the power or control or the sole ability to decide what happens next. why is that?
stop making snap decisions based on your emotion of the moment, and think about where you want to be in a month, in a year, in 5 years. then stop letting your husband make all the decisions.
time to grow up.
khairete
S.
Amen Suz!
If you ever need to stop lol-ing? It's now.
This is your life.
It's not a dress rehearsal.
He's still calling the shots and you're still letting him.
To my way of thinking, kicking him out wasn't the wrong thing to do but letting him come back was a mistake.
Converse all you want but is he still looking for dates?
I think you, me (and even he) knows your relationship is eventually going to fall apart.
He's preparing by finding his next woman to shack up with.
You need to prepare too.
Get a plan together, put away some money that he doesn't know about and line up a good lawyer.
Next time you kick him out (and there will be a next time) - don't take him back.
YOU need to take control. Decide what you will accept, and inform him of the fact.
Tell him what you expect from him if the two of you are to continue in this relationship. Be very clear and firm. Ask him if he is willing to accept your terms. If he is not, move on with your life without him.
HE does not get to decide.
And this is not a laughing matter. There is a baby involved.
every day each of us has the choice to opt for divorce, and each of us has the choice to remain married. that is true regardless of the state of the marriage.
good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
Is divorce trivial to you? Is that why you are LOL'ing?? Are you serious about your choice and marriage? If you are not? Then please. Do yourself a favor and divorce him now and wait until you are serious enough to handle a relationship.
How is asking for space going to fix the problem? You two lack communication skills. You are acting like a 19 year old who thinks she's 25 and knows it all.
If you feel that he is cheating and back on the dating site, divorce him. If you feel that you cannot trust him and will NOT regain that trust? Divorce him.
If you feel that your marriage can be saved with counseling, then by all means - find a counselor that works for both of you and learn how to communicate with each other.
I also don't understand the laughing at the situation at all. You need to let him know that HE caused this situation and YOU will decide how it ends. Honestly. My husband had contact with a woman I didn't trust (for valid reasons and we both knew it - talked about it) and it caused a huge problem for us. I think his eyes opened when I got very real with him, honest. I told him our problem right then and there was his fault, his actions caused the fight and the extreme stress on our relationship. It was HIS problem to fix and I would let him know when it was fixed for me. It took YEARS.
I say you take Christy Lee's advice and serve him. Then he will know who is in control.
Also Suz T, take her advice too. Decide what YOU want and where you want to be in a week, month, year, decade. Do you see this man as a part of your plan? He wouldn't be in mine because I don't play those games...but if you want to play with him, go for it.
You got great advice here though, so I hope you take some of what we are telling you.
And I am one to support counseling, but until your husband is ready to take responsibility for his actions, nothing will happen no matter how many times you talk to a third party.
File for divorce. Having him served puts you in control of the situation pretty quickly, and makes your position clear. And if y'all do work it out before you go to court, you can choose to close the case. Happens all the time.
LADIES - There are 2 LOLs - get off the LOL kick! Have you ever heard of nervous laughter. Get over yourselves! Answer her question and stop being caddy.
I had a controlling BF once - ended up with my nose on the other side of my face. Soooooo, I totally get where you are coming from and I get the LOL stuff. Sorry some are only focusing on that and calling you immature. Unless someone has lived with a controlling, manipulative person they have no right to place judgement or really give advice b/c they have NO clue what they are talking about. Dealing with the dating profile - that's just another red flag that you need to get out.
You do not want your child living in this type of environment. Please look at all of your options and do what's best for you and your baby.
A true healthy marriage is a partnership between 2 adults. No one has the upper hand, no one holds all the cards, no one has all the power. Before you make any decisions you need to figure out what you want in a relationship, where you want to be in life, and then see if your husband is the person you want at your side while this is happening.
I suggest that in addition to couples counseling, you immediately find a therapist for yourself.
You need to figure out what you want out of life, and even more importantly, what kind of life you want for your baby. A therapist can help you figure what that is, and how your relationship with your husband fits in this picture.
This isn't unusual with controlling people, whether they are men or women. The really sad thing is that you cannot depend on *anything* they say. Even when they sound eminently reasonable, the manipulator is ready to kick in... so that, in your conversation, he might have felt he meant it about still loving you, but when you apologized, he jumped back on the control wagon. It must be like an addiction... and you know that you can't do much about someone else's addictions. Please go to a counselor by yourself first, talk to him/her about this, and ask about the advisability of accepting any of your husband's communications.
Think about the baby.
Think about AIDS or another sexually trnasmitted disease.
You need to take this more seriously.
Be careful when you talk to him. I worry that he's going to slap you or something. Don't be physcially close to him and don't let him box you in. Make sure that you are close to a door and have your cell phone in your hand.
Look, you already know that he has lied to you. You know he was trying to date. Who knows if he did? The poster who mentions STD's is right about that. You should insist on condoms if you two stay together.
If he is acting like the victim because you ask him to go to marriage counseling with you, then you two are doomed.
Before you tell him you want him to leave again, GO TO A LAWYER. Please go back and read the answers on your last question. Those of us who said to go find out your legal rights gave you the best advice. PLEASE do it.
