ok here's the deal. i am a SAHM to a 4yo boy(mine) and a 6yo(boyfriends) girl. i cannot work due to having severe asthma. I have a little income due to child support. My boyfirend will work 80+ hours a week to provide for us. he will pay all the bills and give me spending money if mine own money gets spent. I buy whatever I want that is reasonable with virtually no questions asked! I don't have to keep a spic and span house nor do I have to cook everyday if I dont want to! I am very grateful to him but the problem is with him working 80+ hours a week you can pretty much guess that there is pretty much no time in the bedroom! he just returned to work last week after being off work since March due to going in for a tonsilectomy and ended up in a COMA!!!! Without him working like this we may have to cut back on a few things( which i don't mind) due to his job recently taking a 8% pay cut and the 6yo's mother has him on CS(I'm pissed because the child now lives with us( mother calimed she was going to get 2 jobs for the summer-that didn't happen, and claimed she wanted to go back to school but has not registered ANYWHERE yet) and she took him down there out of bitterness, claims she;s going to take him off but we shall see). So am i being selfish for wanting that time in the bedroom. he;s toooo tired to do anything but say hi to everyone,interact with the kids for a minute, eat then go to sleep! am i being selfish. He provides so much for us. he will catch the bus so i can have the car all day( which i try not to let happen, because he drives the city bus , and that;s a little bit to much bus in one day,lol), makes sure the kids have whatever toys they want and i can shop whenever i feel like it and have full access to his money in the bank. but i feel lonely sometimes and i wouldn't cheat on him because i know i have it good. so what should i do? thanks in advance ladies!
to clear a few things up. i don't just go on shopping sprees i buy what is needed around the house first. I make sure the kids have everything they need. i don't just go out spending because i can. now with the CS unfornutely we have to tread on thin ice with this one, cause the girls mother is so simple minded and vengeful but if she does not do what is supposed to be done, believe me SHE WILL REGRET IT! His daughter's mother is so desperate to do anything to get him back the day the support order was made she offered him his money back just to make it seem like she just wants to be friends and she didn't do it out of spite , CRAZY B&%#@ ( i was born at not but not last night)! i think i got a little spoiled when he was off all that time, so maybe i am being a little selfish. I do make things as easy as possible for him( all he has to do is really come in eat cause the plate is already ready and take a shower) i don't bug him about it everyday cause i know that would be unreasonable.And i forgot to add he like s to work llike this but will take time off when needed. but i will use some of the suggestions and thank you all for your advice it is appreciated!
I think the key here is to make bedroom time not a chore for him. Make sure the timing is good and you do all the work. I wouldn't even consider harping on him about it, just tell him you want to show your appreciation on a more personal level. = )
Good luck!
1. See if you qualify for Social Security Diability because of your severe asthma.
2. Document the amount of time and resources he commits to his daughter. Keep the records for at least two months consistently.
3. Get a lawyer and go back to court over custody, visitation and child support based on the facts of the childs life. His income has changed and the order can change in line with that too.
As for the intimacy and bedroom issues, he's tired from working so much. Sex isn't everything. What would you do if this man couldn't physically perform any longer. Would the relationship end? Figure out a way you can give him back some time or plan a date night or afternoon or something. Time is just as important as money. Time you can never get back.
You have been with this man for at least 5 years. Where is his commitment to you? If he were to unfortunately die today, how would you care for your son? What provision would be made for you? Marriage provides a certain level of security in these matters. Everything isn't etched in stone but the odds are definitley better for the married over the living together. (Just some food for thought.)
Come up with a monthly budget and cut out the extra spending. Kids don't need a bunch of toys. Family time is more important and it's free :) Then maybe he can cut back his hours.
Also, he can contact the courts about the child support and let them know his daughter live w/ you now. My BIL did that on his own and now he gets child support for his daughter. You don't have to wait around on her to do something.
It sounds like you have a good man! Good luck!
C., momma, this too shall pass. Right now he's working really hard to support you all (VERY commendable). He's a stand up man who's taking responsibility for his little girl (I LOVE that...because sadly, not all men do) and recognizes how important it is for him to be a major part of her life. He's not selfish with his money (like a LOT of men would be in a similar situation like this).
On the flip side, its hard for you as well because this is a VERY isolating situation for you--with him being gone so much and your home dealing with day to day stuff and both of the kids (you are also very selfless for taking on the role of step mom, handling the little girl's day to day needs and caring for her as your own, especially when the mom is being SO difficult, to put it nicely). You guys really seem to have a good handle on things and just need to hang in there and wait for the wonderfulness that is waiting on the other side of it.
Try doing at least ONE THING a month alone, just the two of you. This way, its something you both get to really look forward to and it will help with the monotony of the day to day stuff with him working and you caring for the home and kids. Also, please be sure to keep track of the living arrangements for the child and make sure that the court is aware of it ASAP. In the end, not only will your man NOT have to keep ponying up to this woman, but he may end up getting a reimbursment for the money he's paying when its not necessary (because she lives with you guys).
On the topic of the overall situation, I've been there and know first hand that it can be SO lonely. He's most likely feeling pretty of lonely too and missing you guys just as much as you all miss him. You're on the right track so keep on keeping on. I have a pretty good suspecion that you guys will make it through it and be a stronger couple and family for it.
Put yourself on a budget, even if he isn't asking you to. Cut your spending back and like was suggested earlier, request child support modifications, then he can probably cut way back on his hours. Really, would cutting back on your spending and not buying toys for the kids and saving for the future be worth it to you to have your boyfriend home at nights? Consider the Dave Ramsey plan:
Do what you can to make him feel special when he is home. Is there any way you can share the load, get a little retail job a few nights week so he can quit one of his jobs? I get that you have severe asthma, but if you can take care of two children, take them to school, drive around and go shopping, then surely you can maybe work a little bit?
You know, you've got a gem there. Have you tried giving him a back masage when he gets home and the kids fall asleep? Maybe if you put some work into non-sexual touching and loving, the sexual sort will come out of it. Do some extra special things for him and he might give you more attention,too. It sounds like he's tired and who doesn't understand that? Relax him and don't pressure him. Good luck.
Do a Julia Roberts Episode from Pretty Woman on him-lol! Make sure the kids are in bed and asleep and get butt naked and put one of his tie's around your neck waiting for him to come home from work-make sure its somewhere that he goes to first thing when getting home-if you are nervous about the kids find a way around that such as maybe waiting in the bedroom for him under the covers just in case a little one wakes up and when he walks into the bedroom to find you-walla throw the covers off and expose yourself-hehehehe! I don't think ANY man out there could mis-judge exactly what that means. You do all the work for him so he doesn't feel like that is yet another "task" for him to do. Express your feelings to him that you wish you two had more time like these and maybe just maybe things can turn around for you. Intimacy isn't just about sex either and let him know that and tell him exactly what you mean. Such as "I like it when you hold me in bed". Men need directions on everything but you know as well as I do THEY NEVER ASK!!! Therefore you be the aggressive one....now if you are being the one who is aggressive and he still indeed rejects it then you got other problems my dear and you might want to seek some counseling or something. Whatever you do don't compensate that lonliness in someone else it just makes life even more complicated than it already is.
No your not being selfish. Wait for him to come home one night, make sure the kids are in bed, and wait for him in a sexy outfit. I'm sure he'll be able to stay awake for a little while! And you don't have to wait for the ex to do anything, just tell him to request a modification in the child support because the circumstances have changed. Most likely she will have to pay support now if the child lives with you both.
Yes, definitely selfish.
My advice is to talk to him. Its natural for you to want time with him, just make sure you don't nag him about it. Ask him what he wants. If he enjoys working 80 hours a week, then that's the man you've got. If he doesn't like it but feels its necessary then come up with a budget together to see how you can still live comfortably while he cuts back his hours. Let him lead on this, don't push him you've got a good man.
cuddle up to him when the opportunity arrises and see what happens then.
He may also be stressed out. Also, you need to let CS know you have the son before they start taking money from your boyfriends pay.
He hasn't worked since March, and has only been back a week. Give him some time to adjust to his new schedule. :) That's a huge change in anyone's life (including yours and the kids). The rest of the advice below is really good too. Good luck.
C., I think you need to step back and look at this whole picture. Your boyfriend is doing everything he can for you and your family. Yeah, cut him some slack. Is there anyway he can cut back on the jobs? A guy's gotta have fun too. Maybe he can work one job and you're on a tighter budget. If so, that means no going out whenever you want for dinner, to buy clothes or toys etc. I'd also look into going to school, or finding a job that isn't strenuous for you. You can do this. Good luck
enjoy the life you have many wished they had half of what you have enjoy what time you get with him
talk to the poor guy. let him know what's up!
I have read all the response and yes I do think you are being a little selfish( not trying to be mean), the way you expressed your story it seems like you want it all. If you want the sexual attention and since he is working so much, maybe you should stop the doing whatever you want and saving and then maybe he can cut back on the hours. Put yourself in his shoes if you were as much as him would you be tired. Also I don't understand why if his daughter lives with you the Mom is getting CS. I would have that stopped first thing, I wouldn't wait for her I would do it myself. I do wish you the best of luck, I know the passion is a big part of any relationship.
We can't have it all. Either the husband works himself to death providing for the family, or you learn to live with less income. What's more important to you both? Money or time? In the end, money is not enough. Presents do not replace love and time.
Talk to him about wanting more time with him. See if he can cut back from 80 hour weeks. Let him know you're willing to live with less stuff and so are the kids, just to have quality time with him. See how he reacts to this. Don't blame or whine or beg. Just let him know that you appreciate what he does for you, but are interested in building a relationship with him and spending more time with him, not more money. See how it goes.
Best wishes!
