Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

I have been a registered nurse for 12 years now, and my advice to you is get it done now!! If you quit now chances are you will never finish. Taking care of children does not get easier and it certainly never becomes easier to leave them. In your letter you said she is a baby and you feel guilty leaving her. Since she is young, chances are if you trust the person keeping her, she is probably pretty happy when you are away. You are like most moms- you miss being there and no one does it as well as you, right? Trust me when I say if you try to go back when the kids are older it will be even harder on you because your children will miss you being at baseball games or special events. When school is all said and done you will have a job that you can always rely on, and one that is very versatile for having children. Also I have heard a few people say that when you drop out and return after a couple of years programs change and some of your credits won't tranfer. Just some things to think about. By the way I have 3 children and I can tell you that being a nurse has been a godsend for our family. Even though I get tired of it sometimes I still love it! Good luck with your decision. H. S

Finish School!!!! I can not stress this enough. You should not feel guilty for completeing somthing that will utimatly be for the over all good of your family. And later you do not wnat to have any resentment for either your husband or child.

DON'T QUIT!! It will all be worth it in the end. If you quit now you will regret it!

Question??? How much longer is your schooling? I agree that being away is hard, but if you only have a short time left in school then I say go for it. However if you are just starting, then I say (if you are able) stay home, watch all the "first" your child makes, then when she is a little older, go back.There are nursing programs that let you go part-time, I would investigate all of them in your area, and then when you can commit to full time you will only have clinicals left or very little class work, it will all work out in the end, if you husband is supportive I think you need to lean on him and trust him to care for your child those extra hours when your away but he can be there, she will know you love her, I promise babies are resilient and you never know maybe one day she'll want to grow up and be like her mom!!!Just love your child no matter what decision you make,in the end that is all that really matters!

Finish school, there is never a good time to do it and if you stop now it becomes too easy not to finish. Your baby will want your attention more when she is a little older and you will have you schooling out of the way.

Deb

Hi K.,

I am a nurse with a son that is 3 years old. First of all how long do you have left in the program and how old is your baby? If she is small enough she is not going to know how much you were gone but she will remember when you are there. It is a wonderful career to be able work many different jobs and opportunities. I am able to work night shift 7p-7a three days a week. I leave for work at 6:15 he is usually in bed by 8pm and when he wakes up I get him ready for preschool then I sleep while he is gone. I have done this since he has been born. I go many days without a lot of sleep but I have home with him most of the time. I am not sure if this is helpful but I am grateful that I have a lot of time with him. I have days off during the week that we can do a lot of fun things together. If I had a regular 9-5 job he would be in daycare much more and I would see him less. I make up my sleep when I am off. Good Luck.

I feel your pain-- literally... I am in nursing school 4 days a week, from about 8-4, and I work the other three days... 7a-730p. I hardly get any time with my 7 month old... but you have to just push through. For me, the reason I stay in is that I want to be a nurse, financially it will be better for us, I know it's only two years... and that now is the time. It's like I tell people when they ask me how I do it... one day at a time. I can't not finish school, I have to pay the bills, and of course I can't (and would never!!) give the baby "back". You can do it, it's going to be hard, but it can be done. It sounds like you have a supportive husband (like mine is) who can maybe help you around the house and grocery shopping to keep that stress off you. My husband does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping... sometimes I throw a load of clothes in the wash, but otherwise he takes care of everything so that when I do have a few minutes, I can spend them with our baby. Good luck, you're gonna do great! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I too am a full-time student and a mom (luckily I don't work outside the home, yet). I have been in school for the last 3 years. I have 3 kids ages 6, 4, and 21 mos. If I could do it over I would have finished school before I got married, but hindsight is 20/20. No time is better than the present, finish your schooling!!! You give up enough to just be a mom don't feel guilty because you don't give up everything. It is important to show your kids that school is important. I have a friend that got pregnant during her last semester of nursing school and ended up dropping out. She never did go back. Good luck!

Stay in school!! If you are close to a degree it's not worth just giving up!! Look to the future. When you graduate and have a good job, you will be able to make a much better life for your children than if you quit now!

I completely sympathize with your dilemma. I have been faced with the same decisions. I have a 2 1/2 yr.old daughter and a 11 month old daughter. I'm sure you already can tell how fast this amazing time with your daugther flies by. The way I looked at my situation was I told myself that we can't ever get these years back with our babies. It already goes by so fast and this time is so crucial to the rest of our children's lives. I didn't want to miss all the beautiful moments with my children because I was out trying to balance an act that, I feel, can't truly be balanced. They deserve all of us, not just what's left over at the end of an exhausting day or week. I guess my perspective on it is, you can never go back and do over this time with our children, but nursing school will always be there and certainly,the demand for nurses will never be low. Everything in our life has a season. And it's true what they say "Having a baby, changes everything." Definitely for the better. I feel you would be a much better nurse, if you went back after getting your baby through the infant years. You would be much stronger as a woman, and would feel more confident knowing you didn't compromise yourself as mother to have this career. Sorry I have written so much, but I feel so passionately about this because for me I had to make this tough decision, and it was the best decision I've ever made: to stay home with my girls for now. In closing, whatever you decide, please feel strong about your decision. Only you know what's right for you and your family, and don't ever doubt that or carry any guilt around about it. I wish you many blessings and success with you family and your career.
Sincerely,
A. McCormick

K....
I can so feel for your situation. I have 4 kids, 25, 20, 14, and 11. When my 2 oldest were small I worked for pretty much their entire lives (their father, my ex, made me return to work when they were only 2 weeks old!)With the other 2, I became a stay at home mom, and to supplement our income, I provided daycare for other mothers like me.
Looking at this from another angle, my daughter who is 20, started college straight out of high school, but had to quit for financial reasons, and has regretted that decision since then. She has actually just returned to college in the past month, and I couldn't be prouder of her.
This decision has to be what's right for you K., not anyone else.
I will tell you this much: I don't know what you are currently doing for daycare, but I, being new here (only a month), am looking for a child to keep. I only want one so that I can provide them with all the love and attention they need. As the mother of 4, I certainly have the experience...LOL...but would love to provide you with any references you need.
If you's like to just talk, or meet for lunch/dinner, or just a glass of tea somewhere, please let me know.
I hope you can resolve this without too much heartache and worry!
S., from High Point

Hello conflicted,
Don't worry It will be O.K. I was in the same boat for many years. I was a single Mom going to college and working but I got through it. Your child is obviously the most inportant thing to you. Don't give yourself a breakdown. It's hard but it won't last forever. The main thing is that you are strong enough to get through it. I understand the feelings of guilt. Will you go back if you quit now? I knew I wouldn't so I stayed in the game. They are only that age once. The only advice I can give is way the options and make your choice. I hope it helps.

Finish...it will be better for all of you. I am going to school full time w/an infant, toddler, and a 5 year old. but i know that i am doing it to better our situation for the whole family
N.

This really is a tough decision to make. I am choosing to stay home with my boys since the time that they are little is going so fast and will never return. If you are financially able to put it off for a couple of years I would certainly consider that. No matter what you decide, you will always sacrafice something. I miss being around other (adult)people, being "functional" but I get so much back from my boys as well. Is it maybe an option to change schools to get in a part-time program? Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

DON'T YOU QUIT! Everything will be OK. If you don't do this for yourself, you'll regret it. Most of us moms forget about us and we do things for other people. This may sound selfish, but your schooling will pay off in the future, for you and your family. Your baby will be OK, she won't remember. :) Get school out of the way now, while she is a baby. That way when she is older, you'll be working and able to dedicate more time to her. Good luck!

You sound just like me 5 years ago! I remember sitting in my baby's nursery crying because I hadn't intended to leave work, but suddenly didn't want to go back. I quit. I questioned the decision every minute of free time that I had (hahahaha) for nearly two years. Then, I ended up finding my way and moving forward with something that made me even happier and fit my life overall even better. So, for me, it was a great decision. But, that was me. I share it only so that you know you aren't alone. It is a very conflicted place to be - to follow your long-term dreams that you've worked so hard for or to live in the moment.

As for true advice, the only thing I can say is to be grateful that you're in a position that you can choose and you have a parter who will support you in your decion. Recognizing the good of the situation can sometimes take the pressure off a bit.

And, remember, if you do choose to stay home, it doesn't have to be forever. Just until you're ready to do something else again.

Good luck and hang in there! R.

Doing what your doing is incredibly difficult - as with many of the other mommas you have responded to you, I finished college (and graduate school w/ a masters) all the while a single parent with little family support and certianly none from my daughter's biological father! You go, girl! Always remember that the end accomplishment will be worth all the pain you are going through now!!!!!!!!!!

Do not quit. If you quit now, no matter what your intentions, you will not go back then all that time and money is wasted. Plus if you go back in years, you may have to re-take some of the classes. yes it is tough but it is only 3 days a week. You have 4 to stay with your baby.

Dear Kierman well what i would do is talk to him and see if u can finish school and in a way your helping your family. what does your husband do for a living? may i ask that questioni work and i have 2 kids myself and i work 12 16 hours a day and my son is 22months old and my daugether is 8 yrs old and its hard being away from them so my advice to u is talk with your husband and tell him your doing this for your family and it the long run it will work out M. Waller

I am currently in school as well and I work part time. Although it is hard being away from my son, I believe that getting my education is helping my family and helping me to to be a better mom. Ask yourself, if you put school off when are you going to go back and how are you going to manage it? Have a plan. Because so many times we put things off and never come back to them. You don't want to regret never finishing nursing school in 20 years when your daughter is no longer at home. You are always going to have times when you and your daughter are going to be away from each other - when you start work after school, when she goes to school, etc. It never gets any easier to be away from them. Whether it's when there newborn or 10 or whenever. Right now she is not going to remember you being gone, but she will remember if you can't come to her recital,play, etc. when she's older. My advice to you is to finish your education now. You have a lifetime with your daughter and in many years you probably won't even remember alot of this time and her many "firsts". Sad but true.

I know this hard for you, not only from being the parent in school, but from being the babysitter of moms in school.
My friend left her abusive husband, who for years told her she was too stupid to return to school. Shortly after leaving discovered she was expecting her 3rd child. She signed up for classes at Tech and worked, sometimes two jobs, went to school full time and probally still owes me babysitting money, to get that degree and she did. It was hard, I spent more time with her children than she did but she needed to prove to herself she could, and she did. Her sister also worked full time, went to school full time and had a disabled child.
It ia hard, no one can tell you its not, but it will be woth it once you are able to stand on your on two feet in your career.
Enjoy the time you have with your baby, but don't give up on your goals.

The only advice I can give to you is that you need to look at the future. How will this benefit your baby? I know that it is hard to be away from them, but just remember that it will pay off in the future.

Coming from a first time mom, I so had a hard time with adjusting to being at home since I was so used to having freedom to work, volunteer, cook ,etc. I made the decision because I didn't want anyone else to see his "first's" meaning his first crawl, walk, words, etc. Also I wanted him to have a routine and feel secure knowing his mommy was there for his every need. You will not get this time back and it goes by so fast. He is already 15 months old and its unbelievable how time goes by and what you miss out on. If you can put it off until maybe your child goes to pre-school you won't regret it. I am really enjoying my son at the age he is now and can't imagine someone else getting all his attention and taking care of his needs. Please consider staying at home if it's affordable and your husband is supportive. School will always be there!

I haven't read the responces yet, but I'm sure lots of people have told you that your baby comes first and that you're building a lifetime of bonding if you stay home.
However, you are also building a financial future for yourself and your child if you finish school. Yes, this time with her is important, but so is the time when your daughter will need to be financially independent herself. Having a degree (whether you choose to work later or not) will give her the background to do it herself. No woman should be completely dependent on a man - I've seen too many people crushed when they're suddenly on their own.
Either way, whatever you do will be right for your family.