Concern About Autistic Neighbor

Mom of two boys on the Autistic Spectrum weighing in.

I have a 7yr old who has Aspergers (high functioning...mostly severe social anxiety, and inability to "read" social cues, very literal, and very self absorbed)

And I have an almost 5yr old who has atypical Autism (higher functioning, gets frustrated and overwhelmed over little things, is happy go lucky, blissfully ignorant of everything and everyone around him unless he is directly interacting with someone, runs away without my knowledge despite me being as vigilant as I can be with 3 kids and 1 on the way..and prefers to not wear as little clothing as allowable :-D )

Talk to the parents...chances are very high that they are completely overwhelmed and not sure how to handle the issues themselves. Work together to find a solution that is workable by both parties. Ask them what types of communication work best for him (suggest signs, Picture words, barricades etc) You could put a stop sign in your yard where he normally comes in at to let him know that it is not a good time to play. You can keep a picture of his house handy, show him the picture and then tell him to go home, you could also get a temporary fence to block off the backyard. It will take awhile to work out how to keep him from the yard when you or the parents are not out there to supervise but repetition is key...he will probably take longer to learn the "NEW" rules.

As for violence...most Autistic kids won't go after someone and intentionally be mean to them...there ARE rare circumstances when an Autistic child WILL do that but it is generally because the person they go after is in someway instigating the Autistic child. (for instance if 7yr old steals 5yr olds favorite toy i generally hear a shriek of rage followed by 7yr old yelling DON"T PINCH ME!!!) Most meltdowns are caused by frustration, anxiety, fear, hunger, thirst, etc. The problem is that unlike a neurotypical child Autistic children either can't or don't know how to tell you what is bothering them. Most meltdowns while disturbing to watch are completely about the child. he's not in a fit of frustration going to go over and start smacking someone around...he may yell, scream, throw things, fall on the ground kicking flailing etc. But generally they will pull themselves together within a few minutes.

What I suggest is that if you fear for your children's safety and he starts a meltdown (I don't use the word tantrum to describe these because he's not a bratty kid who is trying to get his way...he is a kid who has reached the threshold of what he can handle and is expressing his frustration) gather your children and keep them out of his way, call his parents and let them know that he's melting down, and ask that they come deal with him, or if you feel comfortable ask them what if anything you can do to help. Most of the time there isn't anything to be done, it just needs to run it's course.

It is helpful to my boys if I offer them a drink and a snack every couple of hours to keep their blood sugar from crashing down which can be the foundation for one heckuva meltdown. If the parents are as non-committal to their children as you think I would bet he's not getting a good breakfast or lunch in him during the day which could be causing a lot of meltdowns. I keep the 100 calorie snack bags (get them at Sams for pretty cheap...or Big lots sometimes has them for $1 a box) and water or juice handy for the boys.

I agree with Larry R's response totally--underage drinking is very dangerous not to mention when there is drinking--there is drugs. Since these are new neighbors, I would make it clear that you do not want their children over--period. I know nothing about autism, so that is not where I am coming from. My response to you is mainly because of their lack of parenting skills. If you allow these kids to be at your home, they will come over all the time and I guarantee you this from experience with these types of parents, you will be dragged into a fight sooner or later especially if somethings happens between the kids or an accident in your yard. So, nip this in the bud--NOW.

Hello J.,

you already got lots of great responses in regards to the autism aspect. My response is more on the legal side of things... you're going have to lock your gate so they don't get in. you don't want something to happen to those kids if they get in while you're not there.

perhaps you'll be the one educating him on not going into your backyard if you're not there to let him in. you may have to repeat it every day.just a daily gentle reminder. I'll leave it up to you how to word it, right now it's way too early and I haven't have my coffee...but it should be like if you're teaching him to say please and thank you.... I have to remind my kids all the time.

also, come up w/ some ground rules about visiting. Good luck! ~Carmen~

Thank you for trying to understand autistic children and to include them in the lives of your family. My son is autistic.

There is not a consistant answer to the question of temper in autistic children. They are individuals, and they are all different. Autistic children are often frustrated by daily life,,,, and so CAN be prone to anger issues ( frustration keeps them simmering, so it only takes a minor issue to put them over the edge) , but others turn that inwards and are depressed, or show other self calming behaviors, such a rocking,spinning, hair twirling, etc. Others are normal in their anger management.

The problem here is not the autistic children, but that the parents are unfairly shunting responsibility to you. If the children show up in bathing suits, I would assume that they parents know where they are going and that they are OK with that. A large water slide is a bit of an attraction to area children, autistic or not. If there are irresponsible parents in the neighborhood, it may be your best option to fence off the area. The parents need to be told that their children may only use the water slide when your children are playing, and there is adult supervision, and you can cite safety issues.....
best of luck
L.

J.,
I have a 5 year old boy who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS about a year ago. As our occupational therapist puts it, he's about 95% boy and 5% autism. We're very fortunate that he is so highly functioning, and we pray and work every day to try to maximize his strengths and build his skills.

My first comment is this: The chances that your child will be hurt by violent outbursts from a 10 year old autistic boy are miniscule. The chances that the autistic boy will be teased and bullied by your kid and every other kid are enormous. Who needs protection from whom?

Kids learn from adults' suspicion, ignorance, and fear towards autistic kids. It teaches them to avoid, exclude, and fear kids who are different than them. They learn to be cruel and discriminatory. They learn from the adults that it's OK, that it's right.

So are the parents of the autistic child trying to "protect" their child from yours? And are the parents of the autistic child busy critiquing and criticizing your parenting on the internet? I would be willing to bet they think you're hypersensitive and overprotective, at least.

As for the hitting: Kids hit, especially boys, and not always for sound reasons. Ater all, they're kids. I bet your son has been hit by other kids, and I bet the reasons are rarely sound. But since an autistic kid did it, you think it's a big deal.

I watched my kid get pummeled for an hour by a kid who watches Power Rangers and thinks he knows karate. My son just wanted to play pretend. But then the kid kicks my son in the head, knocking my son into the door-frame (ear-first, which was painful as hell). My son retaliated by wailing on the kid a few times, and who got blamed? Bingo, the autistic kid who had spent an hour getting pummeled before finally hitting back.

Our biggest problem-- over and over again-- is parents and teachers who are overly suspicious, overly reactive, and overly protective of their own kids. Their attitude seems to be: "Well, he may be autistic, but that's no excuse to behave that way. He has to behave and control himself, just like everybody else. Why can't his parents control him? If he can't control himself, and his parents can't control him, then by god I'll keep my kids away from him and let them know they shouldn't be around him."

So let me ask you this: If a kid had an enormous birthmark on his face, would you say "Well, he may have a huge hemangioma, but that's no excuse to go bothering us with his terrible complexion. He can wash his face and look presentable just like the other kids. And if he can't, I'll keep my kids away from him by god!"

Autistic kids didn't choose to be autistic any more than kids with birthmarks or hairlips chose their deformities. They deserve our kindness, understanding, acceptance, and respect, not our suspicion and condemnation.

Our son has many close neurotypical friends who love him and love playing with him. In every case, their parents are laid-back, accepting, understanding, and kind. Around those kids and their parents, our son is usually very relaxed and well-behaved. Being around those kids and their parents gives our son the opportunity he needs most of all: to develop his social awareness and understanding.

Do talk to the parents. But drop the judgmental attitude. Frankly, they're facing difficulties you can't imagine. They need your support, not your criticism. And they need you to teach your kid kindness, respect, and understanding.

Hi J.,

First of all, please don't be afraid to ask questions, a lot of people don't know about autism, and I am proud of you for taking the innitiative.

I have 2 autistic sons, aged 17 and 19. My oldest son was prone to outbursts of upset (sometimes violent) that medication has helped to overcome. While he never hurt anyone, we too were concerned for his, and our own safety.

Every autistic child is different. Only a professional can determine whether or not he is a danger to himself or others, and this child NEEDS to be seen by a professional. Do not second guess this...do not let him play with your children at this time.

My main concern is that he is left unsupervised. My biggest problem with my sons at that age was that they had no sense of danger (ie looking both ways before crossing the street, strangers with candy, etc). I NEVER let them out of our sight, let alone out to wander where ever they wanted (please, no offense to you) to who knows what neighbors house.

You must talk to the parents. Your obvious concern for all your childrens safety should put them at ease, and hopefully inspire them to be honest with you.

I find it impossible to believe in this day and age, but a lot of parents of autistic children aren't aware of all the programs and services available to them, so I have included a link to the Autism Society of Americas resource guide in Oakland County. Either print it out and take it with you when you talk, or give them the link so that they can get the help they need for their son.

Then give it a week. IF nothing has changed, PLEASE call childrens sercives!!! Either the parents are in denial or they just don't care, and the safety and welfare of this boy, as well as the other children, MUST be attended to. It is completely confidential, and you can't be the only mother in your neighborhood that is worried.

here is the link:

http://www.asaoakland.org/forms/asa_occ_resource_guide.pdf

Good Luck!
R.

Ultimately, you must take charge of your family. Limit the times when your neighbor children can come over. Use visual clues or tell the parents that it is only ok when you are outside. Stress the safety and liability factors (in ref. to your slide). Yes, you can call the police, but you may get them angry and retaliative at you. Talk to the parents about your concerns when parties go on. Autistic children do get frustrated easily but are usually pleasant if not severe.

Hi J.,

I am so glad you asked questions when you don't know about something. I wish there were more people out there willing to do the same. I have two aspergers kids which is a high functioning autism. As many have said, each child affected by autism is different. It is not fair that these parents are not paying more attention to their children, especially their son. In my opinion it's ok to let the neighbors play with your children but only if you are within reach of your neighbors son and are able to intervene if a melt down should happen. Your children's safety is your first priority. If you aren't comfortable with them being over then you can always ask them to go home. Remember, though, when trying to teach a special needs child a lesson (ie: when they can & can't come over) you may need to tell that child 10x what you would tell a "normal" child only once in order for them to learn the lesson. You may want to try and sit down with the parents and ask them about their son, what sets him off, how do they calm him, etc. If they aren't willing to chat with you then you will need to try and figure these things out yourself if you intend to let the neighbors come over. Try not to leave out appealing toys (ie: slide) where they can be easily seen or accessed. If the neighbor kids get hurt at your house the parents, neglectful or not, could sue you and make your insurance pay for it. I would suggest you start talking to the other neighbors and have everyone you can get to call the police when these underage parties are going on, especially with a special needs child in the home. If the police find an unsafe environmnet for the kids then they are obligated to call childrens protective services. Drunk parents can't take care of a special needs child with so many others running around and who knows if there are drugs at the parties or not. Be firm and stand your ground. In my opinion you might be just what those kids need.

For more information on autism check out
www.autism-society.org. Feel free to email me ofline if you'd like to chat more, too.

Good luck - S.

The question is supervision, where you can intervene if a problem arises. My son used to occasionally play with an autistic boy, who was mainstreamed and one day they were watching a movie with several people around at a school function, he turned and started punching my son, then went back to what he was doing as if nothing happened. No provoking, not playing together, just sitting next to each other. There wre adults there, just not his parents. So until you know what this boys temperment and predictability is, it comes down to a matter of supervision. As far as the kids coming over to your house, tell the neighbor's children flat out that they cannot come over to play uninvited. If you can't rely on the parents, you teach the kids. Do your neighbor's know about the parties their teenagers are having? If you don't think they do, you might want to tell them for the safety of everyone on your streets.

There are diffrent levels to Autism. Any where from high functioning, where you may think that the child is a bit quirky, to severly handicaped and need contsant help and supervision. Your neighbor is probably somewhere in between.
I would deffinatly talk to the kids parents.
Another thing that I thought about is that maybe you could put a sign on your door to alert the child that yes it is a good time to play or no it is not a good time to play. I was thinking of just a red and green piece of construction paper that is glued together and you could display the proper color. I know that my nephew is on the higher end of the autism spectrum and visual signs are very helpfu to him.
As far as the safty of your children...Some autistic children can be violent but it is not the rule or even the norm. You will have to make the assesment as to whether or not this child is violent. As a side note my nephew can get angry and throw some really big tantrums, he is 9, but I have NEVER been afraid to let him be around my children.
Blessings, K.

"Where there is drinking-there is drugs"??? Hmmm...my husband and I socially drink but neither of us would consider doing drugs. In fact, I can't think of any of my friends who would either. Generalizations are dangerous!

Anyway, I don't know what else to do besides talk to the parents. You would be surprised at how blissfully ignorant some parents are of what their teens are doing! They think that their child couldn't possibly have parties and drink! You'll have to talk to them and it may come down to the simple fact of making a rule that they NOT come over unless invited. If your child's safety is at issue, that certainly trumps hurting the neighbors feelings!

I know this isnt the answer your looking for but if they were underage drinking and driving I would be more concerned for them killing my children and call the police. I dont think I would let the relationship between the parents dictate how I handled the situation neighbors or not. I'm just saying!

I would be more concerned with what is going on across the street. Underage drinking puts your kids in more of a danger then a 10 year old autistic boy. I suggest next time you witness this party with underage drinking you call the police. One of them could hit one of your kids with the car or something else, you never know if one of them has a gun on them and could use it.

I have an autistic child and nothing you wrote is offensive.

Your problem isn't about the child with autism. Your problem is with those parents. Setting rules that at least one of them must be present with their children at your house is a limit you may need to set.

It seems to me that this isn't an issue about autistic children, it is about rude neighbors. Any person who loses his temper easily is potentially dangerous (hitting, throwing things, etc) You can't do anything to get them to watch their children better, they obviously don't care. You will need to do that, maybe set some guidelines like "visiting hours". Only let them come over if you will be directly supervising. I believe that it is dangerous because the child is 10 and yours are young. There is such an age difference you can get into bullying and other issues and yours jsut can't stick up for themselves against someone 6 years older than them. You need to supervise.

The water slide is a huge problem because they can get hurt on it and you can get sued. You need to talk to the parents and make sure that they know that they need to call you and get permission before they send their kids over to the water slide. The worst part is that they will be on it when you aren't home, and you can get in trouble becasue it isn't fenced or etc (I am not sure about this, but it would be something to look into legally). I know that I probably haven't helped much, but only you can protect your kids and your home.