Common Husband Issues?

I know exactly what you're talking about. I hate having to ask for my husband to do things cause I too feel like he should just see what needs to be done and by me asking I feel like a nag. But according to him he needs to be asked, I have no idea why. Is it genetic in men or the way they're socialized. I have no idea. But I do know that I have those "control" issues as well so a lot of stuff I took on as my responsibility and I guess can't really expect him to jump right in. And I also know that I sometimes don't give him credit for the things he does do. It's a struggle but I think as long as we recognize it and communicate it ends up working out.

Hi A.,
As impossible as this sounds, I recommend that you try a home-based business. Mine is with moms similar to you, some with multiple little ones and some who are home-schooling. If this sounds appealing, contact me.
Best regards,
L.
www/ReachingGoals.org
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Believe me you are not alone. I've been married for 2 years and have a 5-month old baby. Becoming a stay at home mom has been a huge adjustment. All my married girlfriends are in similar situations too. Everybody seems to be going through the same thing. I think the best thing is to just tell him how you feel and keep telling him. Hopefully that will make a dent. Hoping my husband will be observant and see I need help doesn't work. I get very resentful at times. My very wise old aunt who was married for 44 years told me having babies is the hardest time in a marriage but it will get better. Good lord I hope so.

You've got some great advice.
I am also an Army wife & a first time mom staying at home. We also have 2 dogs, and a cat...
Soldiers don't have "typical" days at work. Before our son was born, I learned that I need to step back a minute, allow him time to unwind/re-adjust and try to read his attitude. (I read this so I tried it during his return home from a deployment)
If my husband had "one of those days" (no matter the reason) I back off & slowly ease in with a more "sensitive" method to ask for help. I give him options. Sometimes I say "Do you want to take Tristan so I can go make dinner?" and usually he'll take Tristan. There are days that he comes home & I say to the baby, "Say Hi to daddy!!" and even though he doesn't speak yet, daddy usually says "Hey buddy!" and then as we go toward him, Tristan usually get's excited as I say "Hi daddy!!" (for him) and then my husband (usually) takes him...Sneaky...I know! LOL!!
I wait a minute and try to read his attitude. I will give him a few minutes of 'puter time and at a certain point I'll then ask "Are you hungry? If you take Tristan I'll go start dinner."...It kind of sounds like ass-kissing but it usually works! (I'm the last person ON EARTH to kiss another persons ass) It's psychology!
Try to "keep your cool" when he's home and when he's just walking in the door...Chances are you will have better luck speaking to him in a nice tone. Try not to seem aggrivated, if you are at the time. (again, I wasn't born with this tone that I speak of...but it works!)
Hey, it might work, it might not. "read" your husband, feel him out at first.
They have a funky job. I think you should try to scope him out and then ask for help with offering options. I don't want to sound like i'm on their side. It's just that only you can control you. You can only try out little methods on him, see what may work. If nothing seems to be working, you need to sit down and have a serious talk.
The U.S. Military offers a Family Advocacy program. They provide services that include those in need of help with equal participation of fathers. You are not alone :)
Don't forget, when he is deployed, you will have to do these things on your own. I know they should help us when they are here with us but it's a good habit have. I'm sure you've heard..."Army wife, toughest job in the Army!" It's so TRUE! It isn't easy being us but we have to make the best of it.
I have never had any interest in the "Baby-Brigade" (as I call it) -being in contact & getting together with other moms (or Army wives), but now that I am a mom, I think it's good to have other Military wives opinions as well as civilian wives opinions. Everyone's situation is different. I wish you all the luck in the world. Stay strong & email me if you'd like:) R.

Email: ____@____.com

Hi A.,

I was having the EXACT problem with my husband. Our now seven-month-old daughter was born in October, in December we started packing for a move and moved in February. Being at home all day, I felt that most of the unpacking and cleaning (and of course baby stuff) should be my responsibility...BUT, it was NOT something that I could do alone.

After a series of "talks" and a few tears, my husband and I got to the bottom of our issue. (this may sound a bit self-helpy, but it really worked for us):

One of my husband's friends suggested he read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/. My husband read it first and then passed it on to me. Turned out that MY way of expressing/feeling loved was something called "Acts of Service." So when my husband was NOT helping, it was not only frustrating, but it was hurtful.

Now, he was WONDERFUL in 100 other ways, but somehow my frustration was too much to bear. Once he read the book and understood that setting the table for dinner was 10 times more appreciated that a dozen roses; and that changing the baby was light-years more appreciated than telling me what a great mom I was; etc., he immediately began to "show his love" for me by helping around the house.

I know not every husband is the self-help book type (frankly mine isn't either), but IF there is a way to communicate to him how deeply this matters to you, you may see a change.

I wish you the very, very best!

L. W.

I think these are issues all women deal with. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who most of the time does what he needs to do to help me, however there are moments and days where my head is spinning trying to figure out why he's laying on the couch while I am preparing dinner, feeding the dog and helping with homework all at the same time (I have to children ages 9 and 6 and have been a stay at home Mom for 6 years). I have come to realize in the last 12 years of marriage that men just don't see what we see an the only way to fix it is to really have a heart to heart converstion with him, alone with no children around, not in a nagging manner and politely explain what you need for him to do. Be very specific, like "how about to help me out, every night while I'm cooking dinner you could do me a big favor and give the baby a bath to keep her out from under my feet". Be specific and create a routine of things for him to do (like bath time or reading books to her) during your busy times of the night. Sounds like you've got a good guy who just needs a little guidance without feeling like he is being nagged. Good Luck!!

The advice i can give you is this. My Husband probably changed our son 10 times during that whole diaper stage. He did hold our son for a while but always put him down. he would go places with the older child (His 1st from a previous marriage) but would refuse to bring our youngest son anywhere even when he was 4. He didn't do the things he did with our younger son as he did with the older one. Finally, I couldn't take it I sat him down and had a heart to heart talk with him,I told hom that he needed to be more involved and that this is such a short time in his life that we will be alone and they will be grown up so fast that he will be wishing for this time. He realized his error and for the last 2 years has been much more involved. I was a stay at home mom too,and my husband is old fashiond. He expected me to do the home duties and that included all the child care. But if you make your husband see that he is missing out on his daughter and the milestones that he can't get them back (ever) he needs to participate in his daughters life and play and hold and love her now because she will be grown before he knows it. Communication is the key here,don't nagg, talk from you heart and hopefully he will get it. Good luck!

Wow, I am with you on this issue...My husband loves his kids, but definitely needs me to tell him what to do and doesn't "see" what needs to be done or take initiative often. He often accuses me of nagging, which makes everything worse...but as other posts said the answer to that is to have a calm conversation ahead of time about what you need him to do at different points in the day. I doubly sympathize with you about your parents' comments because I definitely have the exact same problem! Any time my parents are here they get deeply offended by all the stuff he isn't doing enough of...and it definitely affects my relationship with him. my only advice on this is to remember that it is you are the one married to him - not your parents-and only you know what behavior or lack of behavior is acceptable to you. I think all parents want a "perfect" spouse for their child...remember that YOU know him better than they do and YOU are the only one who can decide in your gut if the two of you can handle a second child or not.

Hi A.
It's funny, because in my situation, the roles are somewhat reversed... my husband stays at home and takes care of our 4 month old and I have returned to work last month.. So far everything has gone extremely well (he is VERY involved with our daughter - always singing to her, playing, changing diapers holding her, etc) but I actually find myself looking to him to do things (change diapers, clean, etc) when I am home because I feel like I want to watch tv, do my cross-stitch, etc. I giggled when I read this because I was just thinking to myself last night that as long as he is home during the day, he should be the one doing laundry and making dinner:)
I dont know if I have helped in any way, but I guess I am on the other side of the fence!

I also have some of these issues with my husband. He is great with the yard work & he does all the bills & will clean up the kitchen after dinner, but I work from home as well as being a full time mommy. My husband thinks since I am home I can run all of his errands, work my full time job at home & take care of Kevin. He gets pissy when I point out to him that I am also working. Just because I am home does not mean I can run errands too!!! He is pretty good about distracting our son while I finish up dinner. He doesn't feed or change our son, but he does get his bath ready & while I do our son's bedtime routine he cleans up the toys. So while sometimes I get frustrated about what he doesn't do, he does do alot of the stuff I don't like to do. My point is, point out to your husband that you too sometimes need down time. I pointed it out to my hubby about his computer game. I told him just like sometimes he needs to "disconnect" so do I - so now sometimes he'll play with Kevin while I read. I also have a tendency to snap at him, that doesn't help & just makes the situation worse. So when you are both calm & relaxed you should discuss the issues. I found that helped that trying to talk about it while I am annoyed.

Hi A.,
After the baby is in bed, you need to have a serious talk with you husband with no distractions (TV, music etc..) And find out what he thinks. He is not dumb, and the repeated questions still have not gotten through, so what is the block or obstacle to him helping you out? Its obvious that if he helped out, you would not have to ask him, but that's too easy. You need to gather information from him and then the two of you can go from there.
Ask him-
- What does he think being a father means, or entails- what role does the father play in the life of his child
- With you being a stay at home mom (SAHM), and him doing (whatever he does for work), how does he see dividing of household chores (laundry, shopping, cooking etc.) and baby care (when he is there). What does he think he is responsible for regarding household chores and baby care
- What does he think a SAHM's role and responsibilities should be (you might be surprised with this)
- As a wife, what does he think your role should be
- As a friend, hearing that you are overwhelmed with the amount of things to do, what does he think you should do? or what suggestions does he have?
- Is he afraid to take care of baby? Does he have any fears about taking care of baby? (He might feel insecure in his ability and that maybe why he's not helping more)

- A., Do you have any time for yourself? Would you like that?- now's the time to ask for it and for him to help you have it.

You may be surprised to hear how he defines or what expectations he has for a SAHM/wife.
Good Luck.
N.

It sounds like you and I have the same husband!!! My hsband is the SAME exact way. I was just doing laundry and he was on the computer. Then I made dinner and he was still on the computer. Ahhh! It was worse at one point but has gotten better though. I have twins so he HAS to help out. However I still needed more help. I work part time so I was getting really stressed and started to get very annoyed with him and started to not like him. We were arguing a lot too and that is not like us at all. I was concerned and didnt want it to get too bad so I seriously talked to him. We went through a list of things that have to get done and divided it up. He is always resposible for the bottles. He makes them all ahead of time. He does our laundry and I do the babies. We divided the dog wlaking between the two of us. This helped at least give him clear responsibilities instead of me just telling him I need help without the specifics. He knows if the bottles are low he has to do them. When laundry piles up, his job. I still get frustrated b/c he doesnt take the initiative to do things, but it has helped. I never sit still ( im sure you dont either) b/c I feel like there is always something to do and that's why I get annoyed with him. I think we just feel that we have to do it all, but we can't. Try talking to him and making a list of all the things that need to get done. Hopefully he'll see how much you need the help and offer to take on some specific jobs. Good luck! I hope this helps. Feel free to e-mail if you need to vent!! :)

I'm 60 years old and have been married 38 years to the same man. I have two grown sons. I don't want to bash men so consider this first: It is a good thing that your husband is willing to help when you ask. Men seem to have one issue on their minds at a time, which may be a good thing when what ever they are concerned about is thought through and good things come of it. They are responsible for looking out for the good of their families both in financial ways and in terms of safety.

Continue to ask your husband for help or just hand the baby to him if he is watching TV without saying too much. Be sure to give him a smile and a kiss.

I have always had to point out a need to my family of males, they just don't seem to notice.

When addressing issues of concern to him, I found that I got better results when I presented my concerns one at a time without making a long list of grievances. Make your point without exaggeration (using words like "you always" or "you never").

D.

It amazes me how after almost 9 years of us(my husband and I) changing diapers, I seem to be the only one in the room who can smell a dirty one....and that he feels he has the right to complain that he doesn't enjoy doing it the whole time...I mean I don't know about all those other mommy's out there but I just wait around all day to change those diapers because I enjoy it so much :) I guess my point is yes, I know how you feel and yes I go through the same thing. I do make my husband do things, he is in charge of bath time and if he is here he cooks, we also take turns on the sleeping in...I found that he felt he earned the right to sleep in because he was at "work" all day...so now on Sat I stay in bed and on Sun he does...even though I am not really sleeping I let him feed them before I make an apperance....my honey does complain that he has to help more than his friends do and I reply we have more kids than his friends do(or he can marry someone else)....I have gone on strike a couple of times...I won't pick up and wash the clothes that never make it to the basket and he'll wonder why he has no underwear and socks, or if he isn't helping I do his stuff last or not at all(ironing)...and I sweetly remind him that I am sorry he has no pressed clothes for work but while I was tired from taking care of his 5 children all day and went to bed early....he is slowly catching on and these arguments and fewer and further apart and I have explained more than once the best foreplay is him loading the dishwasher....I guess what I am saying is I have no cure for the husband on the computer syndrome but with a lot of talking and sometimes alternative methods his symptoms could lessen. Good luck and you're not alone...I started a home bussiness, I sell Gold Canyon Candles...so I get to go out, be social, I can do it as much or as little as I want and it is justified in his mind because I am out working(although it's too much fun to be considered work) and I don't miss out on my kids cause they go to bed shortly after I leave...Take care!
C.

You are no alone. I am a mom of 3, and I find that if I am around, I'm the default babysitter, etc. Try taking a morning off. Really off. Go out, and leave your husband at home to deal with the baby by himself. He will be amazed that he can do, and how hard it is. Perhaps that will give him so perspective and appreciation for all that you do.

It's all a process. A long one!

must simply say that you are not alone. I also won't tell you to ever expect that he can read your mind no matter how many times a situation arises. Try reading Love and Respect. It changed my marriage because I changed my attitude.

Hi A..

Well it seems that its really your fault that things are like this.

tell you how I see it,

you want to make him happy, and go crazy doing what YOU think he wants, and what the baby wants, and the dogs.

( WHAT ABOUT YOU) do you do things for you.

Your hubby doesn't want to clean, Neither do you, so don't expect him to be happy about you asking him.

Who cares if he complains as long as he does it.

If you want him to watch the baby, teach your daughter o run to her daddy as soon as he walks in the door, and let her Jibber jabber with him. He will love it, and so will she.

as far as the hungry dogs. Toss them out into the yard before he gets home. this way you get the left over attention from daddy. instead of the dogs.

if you want everything to be CHAOS free, PLAN for that,
He can't see you need help because you don't
What you really want is for him to offer you praise, and give you a little attention.

This is exactly what he wants,

Try just getting organized,

Eg tell hubby to call you before he comes home.

Put baby in the high chair with a snack and a kiss,
and dogs outside with a Snack and a pat on the back

then your hands will be free and your mind will be clear.

start dinner, everyday after lunch think about what your plans are for dinner and take out some meat.

this way you already know what your going to do.

When he gets in the door smile and say HI honey,
and take the baby out of the chair so she can spend time with daddy, have a BOOK ready let him read her a story.

get him in the habit of playing with her,

this will free your time up even more.

( I just want to comment on your parents comments --
you can't expect him to work all day and then come home and be happy about cleaning up the house. BUT you can expect him to be happy to spend time with his daughter.the man works all day for you.and your daughter whil he is doing his job you and his daughter are enjoying the home and benefits of that)

Your husband doesn;t have osmosis he can not tell what you are thinking, so if you need help just say very sweetly Baby can you hold bella for a minute while i get dinner on the table. Or If after dinner he jump right on the computer say something like, can you watch the baby so I can take a shower?So that I can clean up, so that i can go out and buy some milk.TELL him out right you need a break.from him , the dogs and the baby.

I agree that you may want to wait just a bit to have another baby --because he may be deployed again.

Do not ever complain about your husband to your parents,
thats what friends are for

and

If they make any comments, say My husband works so I don't have to work, I get to stay home with my daughter spend all the money on groceries, and enjoy our home, while he works away, he loves us, we love him.He's not perfect and neither am I.

Good luck hope this helps

M

honestly, i had the same problem... then 15 months after my first child was born i had my second... and he was forced to things when he wanted to be on the computer or watch baseball on tv! not that its a reason to have another child, but having two helped him put things in perspctive. it will get better, i promise! good luck!

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice and I read what they wrote b/c sometimes i would feel this way about my husband too. I find that whenever I felt that I need more help around the house I talked to him and explained what I needed and why I need it. My husband is a really hard worker and is constantly doing chores outside the house(our new house is a handiman). But sometimes i needed his help in watching my daughter so i could get cleaning and cooking done. I do feel that those things are my jobs being a stay at home mom but my daughter is demanding and I felt he wasnt spending enough time with her. Now that I have talked to him he has been much better. I often let him know in advance when i would like his help so he can plan around it and it is not like you are nagging that way. He was very insecure about being with my daughter by himself now he feels happy that he can take care of her all by himself and doesnt need my assistance. Maybe your husband feels that way too.
Last night when i left to get my haircut he happily told me when i got home that he doesnt need me around to take care of Vanessa that they do well together.

A.,

I don't have any suggestions for how to get your husband to help out more. I just wanted you to know that it is more common than you think. My husband is just like you described. I agree, how many times do I have to ask for help? I work outside the home four nights a week right now and do you think he will wash the dishes for me? No...I'm the stay at home mom, so I'm the one who does everything. I know it isn't supposed to be this way, but men will behave how they are taught. My husband was the youngest of four and he definitely is the baby. The most important thing I can tell you is to be sure that if you have boys, you raise them to be the kind of men someone would want to marry. This is a very tough thing to do when they probably will end up just like their father, but we cannot baby them just because they are boys. They are capable of helping out, which will make them a better husband later on.

Men really do think that working outside the home all day is harder than staying home with the kids. Well, I have done both and I have to say that staying home is much harder. They say "I need a break". What they forget to realize is that we NEVER get a break. Our day doesn't start at 9am and end at 5Pm like theirs. My days all run together because the work never ends. I don't get the luxury of sitting down and watching TV like he does. And then the kids want to go outside and I ask him to take the two youngest ones out so I can make dinner and he won't do it because he is tired. So the kids don't get to go outside because I am stuck making dinner and he is watching MASH again...how many times can you watch reruns???

Unfortunately, this situation has led me to resent my husband. Sometimes when I get home in the morning the food from dinner is still on the table, and the dishes are there as well. This is unacceptable, but my family won't listen. I spend all of my free time washing dishes, only to start dinner as soon as I finish washing them...rush out the door to work immediately after dinner....and then come home to start washing the dishes all over again. If I ask my husband to make dinner he says...we can just have cereal, and then he pouts. I know he is capable of cooking...he was a single dad before we met...but he won't do it now.

Anytime I have tried to have a calm, rational discussion with him, his answer is always...well then you can work full time and I'll stay home with the kids. Right...so I can come home and then do everything around the house when I get home, so my baby will have diaper rashes...it is just so unreasonable for him to go there.
Anyway, thanks for the chance to vent. I could go on and on and I'm sure you can relate. Hopefully you'll get some advice that I can use too.

D.
stay at home mom, but actually working 3 jobs right now, along with caring for my 5 children and my husband/child

Well dont let that stop you from growing your family.. and your parents only feel that way because .. well that is what you are sharing with them.. Which is hard because.. its like we have to tell somebody..
Husbands never do enough .. even when they do alot .. it is never enough :)
remember that he is your best friend.

Hi A.,

Sometimes you need to be blunt and tell your husband what you need. Although you may think it's obvious that you could use another set of hands, if he's never done what you're doing, he may not know. When my 2nd child was a year old, I left my fulltime job and spent a few years primarly as a SAHM. My husband thought that he could come home from work, and go upstairs to check email, read newspaper, etc. while I was cooking dinner, doing homework with 6 year old and entertaining toddler. I had to tell him that I simply could do only two of those three things and that he would have to choose one to take on, so he took the toddler. Don't resent him if he can't see what you need without asking, let him know what you need him to do so that he can do it.

A.,
I am married to a 26 year old. He is prob younger than your husband and I don't believe that things are going to change. I am not a stay at home mom so things get even more frustrating than ever. I always have to ask for his help. He never just assumes to do it. At least when I ask he doesn't complain and does what he has to. When he doesn't do it then I start running at the mouth and tell him off. I have two children a two year old and a 4 month old. I was so frustrated one day that I told him he was a part time daddy. AT the time thats what it felt like. We all live together but it felt like I would do everything. Cook, clean, take care of the kids etc. He would just watch tv or use the computer. I was holding it in for a very long time then I came to the point where I said our marriage was in jeopardy. I felt that it was because I felt alone. Once I brought that up. Things have gotten better and he has been a wonderful help. That may not work for you to use the marriage as a threat but I have been with my husband for a long time. It started at a early age and no one since that. Its been 13 years. Good luck!! Maybe reality needs to check in to him.

Some men don't seem to feel it's a mans job to help at home.....while others don't mind....I tend to think it's how they were raised...

Nothing wrong with asking him for help even if you are a stay home Mom. Have you actually tried talking to him about his lack of involvement in giving you a helping hand and why he thinks it's nagging. Maybe he doesn't understand that you sometimes get overwhelmed and frustrated and that is when you ask him for the help..

I had this issue with my husband too. His parents were telling him that it is my job to do EVERYTHING around the house since I wanted to stay at home with the kids. When I found this out I was furious and had to set some ground rules. I had to explain that when he is at work he gets 2 15 minute breaks and an hour lunch. I do not get that during the day. I can't even pee by myself. Also he gets to leave work at the end of the day and come home. My work is at home so I NEVER get to leave it. I love being a stay at home Mom and would not give it up but it is the most difficult job I have ever had. You are on the job 24/7/365. You do not get a break, normally unless you make arrangements way ahead of time or land in the hospital for some reason. He saw my point and started to help out more. Now this doesn't mean that his laziness has stopped or that he doesn't slip back into that "I go out and work so I shouldn't have to help out" attitude. I just have to explain things to him again and he snaps out of it. He usually only goes into that mode when he talks to him parents more than normal. I still have to ask him to help out but more times than not now he just does it with out me asking. Also before he sits down at the computer or TV he asks if I need him to do anything first (this was my suggestion). Good luck to you!

Hi! I can sort of understand the extra stresses of being an Army wife, I am a Police Officers wife! The shift work, crazy hours and the overtime is nuts. Add in the stress at work and the uncertainty of what they will face that day our husbands have a lot to handle. Then they come home and their "hat" changes and they have to adapt to a constantly changing word of kids they sometimes zone out of their own life.

My husband missed out of a lot of joy with out first child because he didn't bother when he got home to participate in our life. He was also away for 6 months except for a few hours on the week end from when she was 18 months to 2 yo. We now have another child in that age right now and he often comments he doesn't remember this stage. I simple say you were away.

My point to this all is you can't force your husband to do anything. Like others said the best you can do is ask him when you can talk so he sets the time and then kindly tell him how you are feeling. Start by saying what you love and appreciate about him so it doesn't become a "grump session" directed at him. Avoid using words like always and never because that gives no wiggle room. Say "I would like it if you...." , "Could you please help me with...." , "Can you do ___?___ when I am ___?_____". This gives him definates of what would help you and how not to "step on your toes".

As a SAHM for the past 7 years I have a way of doing things and I tend to get grumpy when that is messed with. My husband is a great Dad and husband and does help most of the time. He however is not a mind reader and just because I want certain things done doesn't mean he know what they are.

You are both still learning to be a coouple and now Mom and Dad. NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!! You know what ASSUME means: Makes an ASS ou of U and ME! I am so guilty of that!!!

Last but not least go to the gym, out with friends or somewhere just for you and have Dad care for the little one. IT IS NOT BABYSITTING when Dad cares for his own child!!!! Don't feel guilty just go and have a great time. Start slow if you must with 1 time a month and work up from there. It will give Dad a new perspective to.

HAve fun and enjoy they are only babies a VERY short time! A.

Hi I also have a great guy and now he's a great father. He alwalys loved his kids but wasn't very helpful in the beginning. Hang in there.
We have three kids. I remember when we just had one. He would say let me give you a break I will watch the baby.Then he would say.. Oh could you bring the bottle. Then he would yell without moving off the sofa could you toss down the wipes and a diaper? Oh could you bring some baby toys in here? Is this any help??

It was also a change for him becoming a parent.
After we had our second he became a bit more helpful.

Men are not women...they are not able to do more than one thing at a time.

I know how much he loves our children. Yes I still get frustrated with him but he's a good dad.

I've seen it several times where husbands don't really get involved with the child until he or she is a little older and there is more of a response by the child. My sister's husband, for example, was not very involved in the children (one boy and one girl) when they were infants; it got a little better when they were toddlers, and now he can easily be considered father of the year -- he does everything with them, from sports to music lessons, etc. So, see what happens when your daughter enters the toddler stage and she becomes really animated, communicates better, is a little more independent (not much, but...), etc. maybe he'll get more involved. It's my own personal hypothesis that infants scare the hell out of men, they just don't have the faintest idea what to do! Good luck!

That time before dinner makes me crazy, too. I have an 11 month old daughter and a retired greyhound, both very demanding!!!! Some good advice I read a while back is men need very clear, concise instructions on how to help, and no, it's not wrong for you to ask for help..I also work part-time, sometimes weekends, and those Sat.s when my husband's home with her, from morning until bedtime, he knows what the day can be like. I suggest taking a weekend day of, leaving daddy in charge, if your schedule allows, so he might have a better understanding of how busy it really is!!!!

Perhaps talking to him about how you feel will help. Try not to use the word "help", since that feeds his apparent idea that it is your job and anything he does earns him brownie points. What really helped with my husband was informing him that his being more involved would increase my sex drive, which it certainly does. After all, what exhausted, annoyed and overwhelmed woman is ready for intimacy, I ask you? And what man can resist that kind of encouragement? Of course it has to be true for it to work, but I suspect this feeling of being left alone with it all is behind a lot of drops in libedo for women.

We also used to play "rock, paper scissors" about all kinds of things from diaper changes to baths when the kids were little. It kind of loosened the whole issue up, made me feel less like the nagger and him like he was being told what to do.

Dear A.,
There is nothing wrong with loving being home, there is a definite freedom in it, however housework can be overwhelming and it shouldn't all have to be you, after all you're not the only one living in the house. You might start by figuring out the areas you need the most help with, such as the laundry, or maybe it's a certain time of day, like dinner time. Ask him for help with specific things. Men are not able to multitask, they like directions (he's in the Army for goodness sake!) BUT when you have to allow him the space to do things his way. I know that can be hard, especially after being home and running the show we have our methods. If he asks you how, great - show him, if not, let it go. Sometimes a chore chart or a schedule is helpful, it's something you can write down and hang up. It works for the Supernanny.
Good luck,
C.