"Coincidence or Not?

This sounds like it's a lot LESS about seeing her dad more than her mom and MORE about not having reasonable boundaries with her dad!

He regularly calls and announces that he's coming to stay with them for three days and that's that? Any other plans have to be dropped or changed? She is an adult and she's not running a bed and breakfast. She needs to set some boundaries with her dad for everyone's sake.

When he calls, he should be ASKING if they are free and if Friday to Sunday works for them. If not, it's HIS plans that need to change, not hers!

She's sharing too much information! If he's trying to come on a weekend that is not convenient, for whatever reason, she needs to say, "This weekend is not good--how about next weekend?"

Get her the book BOUNDARIES. She needs to put her foot down and tell them unless WE invite you, you can't come over anymore. You are sabatoging our relationship and its not ok. Then stay strong and stick to her guns on this.

When he calls and says "we're coming" she should say "Oh that's great. We'll have to get together before you leave on Sunday because we have plans on Saturday". Then add "where are you staying?" or "Do you want to come for breakfast and then church with us?"

It's fine to have family visit but if they "decide" they are coming and you have plans, you have to tell them....and it doesn't mean he has to be told ahead of time (she's an adult) nor does he need to know what the plans are.

In this case, she needs to say "Dad, we love it when you visit and we want you to stay with us but this weekend does not work for us". Ask if next weekend works, if it doesn't figure out when would work and put it on the calendar.

She doesn't need to casually say anything, she needs to tell him no. Sorry, this weekend isn't good for us, how about next weekend?
He very well may be manipulating her and/or the situation, but she is letting him and it won't stop until she stops it.

She has probably never said no to him before. but it sounds like she needs to start. If they have a plan (or simply don't want them to come over for the weekend), just say sorry, that won't work for us. Let's plan another day. And of course, stop mentioning that they are going to see mom!

I agree with Boss Fan. She needs to start saying no. Do it polite enough that they dont take offense but enough that they know it is not going to happen the way THEY planned.

My BF's parents are divorced and there was a lot of that last year. We told them where we were going and said we will see you after or the next day but these are our plans. We did not give room for leway and just like a kid we gave them another option to keep tension down. They have since learned that you call and ask what we are doing not just say what we are doing. Sometimes it works in their favor, sometimes it doesn't. Its life.

When dad calls and says, "We'd like to come for the weekend," why can't she just say, "Dad, we would love to see you, but this isn't a good weekend for us." Or "Sorry Dad but we already have other plans."

Hi Mom. This was a little confusing (or maybe I'm just tired). But here goes.

Your friend doesn't have enough boundaries with her dad. He doesn't seem to have anything to do but hang out at his daughter's place. He also doesn't seem to understand how old she is and that she has a life of her own that doesn't have to always include him.

It is her job to establish boundaries with him. Instead of getting into an argument about it, she just needs to tell him "No, dad, not this weekend. I'm not available." And then she needs to lock the door and leave. If he has a key to her place, she needs to change the locks.

This is part of your friend's fault, Mom. She has allowed her dad to do this stuff to her.

It would be easier if she had a computer to send him written emails so he couldn't pretend she didn't tell him, but without it, she is just going to have to turn him away at the door if he shows up, or not answer the door. Perhaps she could take her car out of the driveway so that he doesn't think she is home.

At her age, Mom, she needs to take the emotion out of this and just say "Dad, I'm not available. Please find something else to do this weekend." And then hang up the phone. If she refuses to argue with him, there can't be a fight about it.

Tell her good luck from us...

Dawn

OK. I admittedly only read the first part. Sorry if my answer is off base.

The dad calls and says he wants to visit on the same weekend your friend wants to visit her mom. Easy. Your friend tells the dad that he can't visit because she won't be around.

Enough said. This is easily resolved by being direct and standing her ground. She could practice saying "I'm sorry dad, but we won't be around much this weekend, so you'll have to visit us another weekend. Maybe two weeks from now?"

It doesn't matter where she is going or what she is doing, this weekend is not a good weekend for her to have houseguests. All her dad is entitled to know is that they have other plans this weekend and cannot host him. End of story. He may be family, but it's rude to invite himself for a whole weekend with no consideration to whether they have plans or whether they want a weekend just to themselves. Now, if he's footing the bill for their house and family, the story is slightly different. But, as long as they are financially independent of him, then they have every right to just say "no".

She should be honest and just tell dad that that won't work and he'll need to plan for another weekend. Lying just causes more problems, especially when you get caught in the lie. Honesty is the best policy. And if she doesn't start setting up some boundaries, this is only going to get worse. Her father needs to understand that she has other things to do than entertain him any time he and his wife decide they want to come.

Heck, if he's that hell bent on coming, let him stay with the sister and just come for a visit before he heads home on Sunday.

It really doesn't matter what's happening on dad's end, she can only control herself... she needs to say "sorry, dad, we already have plans this weekend, but you're welcome to come visit on x weekend, just talk to stepmom and we'll get that planned, gotta run for now!".

1) if he's lying / "forgetting" about conversations... She needs to email him.

2) Embrace the word "Sorry". As in "Sorry, this weekend is bad for us." "Sorry, this weekend won't work." "Sorry, we'll have to set up a different date."

3) Boundaries.

It doesn't matter if it's a coincidence or not. The problem is that the Dad visits when she doesn't want him there.

I suggest that your friend needs to set some boundaries and enforce them. Why is she letting her Dad visit whenever he wants to visit? I suggest she needs to start saying, this day is not a good one for us. She should do this even when she doesn't have plans already. She needs to be in charge of her time and life.

I also suggest that she not tell her Dad when her Mom is going to visit or when she's going to visit her Mom. Neither set of parents has to know everything about her life. She's now an adult with a life of her own.

She needs to "man up" as it were, and tell him he's not coming this weekend. Also, if dad seems to keep intentionally trying to sabotage plans with mom, she needs to STOP telling him about them. Just do it. If he still manages to say he's coming to visit, she needs to tell him no. She really needs to set boundaries, for more than just needing to visit mom. If he is literally inviting himself down all of the time and not taking no for an answer, that's a problem.

I would tell her to simply say "It would be great to see you dad but I already have plans and won't be here. I told you we were going out of town for the weekend. But we'll see you next time, have a great visit with XXXX (sister's name)".

she can try to play things closer to the vest. there is nothing that says she has to disclose family plans all the time - nor is there anything that says she has to have family time with one family all the time.

treat it as coincidence no matter what it looks like. that is the polite thing to do. when she gets stronger at voicing her parenting voice with her own parents, she will know what to do.

Wish her luck!
M.

If she doesn't have the guts to say no, then set up a schedule of when they might be available for her dad to visit.

Dad, we are trying to be more balanced with our time. You can pick 2 weekends, like 1 st and 3rd that you would like to come for a visit. We would love to have you. The other weekends we need to have available for that balance we were talking about.

But I don't think she would have the guts for that either. I am glad she stuck to her guns about this weekend. When she can she needs to back anything up by email so he can't say she never told him.

Your friend should take her child and move as far away from the drama as possible. They seem like they are already the "Nutley Nuts"...why not come out West and find a nice quiet town in Northern California.

Going forward-perhaps your friend could make a calendar of the days they will be available and submit it to the dad for approval. She should keep a copy for herself and give the mom one, as well.