Co Sleeping - Goochland,VA

He needs clear boundaries knowing that if he doesn't listen what follows will not be fun.
A Mom who has been there

Hi L.,
This is rough, and I know how you feel. I firmly firmly believe (so take this for what it's worth) that you have to choose, now and absolutely, whether or not he may sleep in your bed. I agree that he can sleep there until he's 7 if you're comfortable with that, and he can stop right now if that's what you want, either way has pros and cons. Seriously, it's a personal, parental decision whether or not to co-sleep, and it works for some people and it doesn't work for others, and no one should judge you whatever you decide. However, because this is coming to a head for you, you MUST choose one and STICK WITH IT NO MATTER WHAT. Period.

What this means is, if you're going to let him sleep in your bed, then stop resisting it. Make a big deal about the family bed. Enjoy it. Snuggle and cuddle and relish this time together. Feel free to point out that he has his own bed and he's welcome to sleep there any time he wants, but no pressure, it's totally up to him, and he can come sleep with you if he wants. That has to be acceptable to you.

And if you're not going to let him sleep in your bed, then he may not do it. Period. Ever. So, when he climbs out of his bed/room, you quietly but firmly pick him up and put him back. The first time, you can say "it's bedtime. I love you. Stay in bed." or something short and simple to that effect. after that, you can say, once "bedtime. love you. in bed." and then after that you say nothing, just keep putting him back and walking away. Over and over and over again. Don't engage, don't talk back, don't fight him. Just pick him up, put him in bed, turn around and leave the room and return to what you were doing. If he follows you, turn around, pick him up, put him in bed, and leave. If he leaps up and starts screaming and hitting you, don't say a word, just pick him up, put him in the bed, and walk away calmly. It will take an enormous amount of patience and the first night it could take hours. Literally, hours. Be prepared for that. Practice breathing, in and out, and just tell yourself, I love my son and he's fine, I love my son and he's fine, breathe. Maybe your husband/partner, if you have one, can help with this so that it's not all on you, but it's also fine if you don't have that support, you just have to find it in yourself. Once you decide and you start this, you really can't go back or it will just be even worse the next time (and it undermines you as a disciplinarian in general), which is why I say you need to make sure that you're committed. Know that this is unlike traditional "cry it out" methods, when the kids are very young and don't even have the benefit of language, let alone the coping skills and general understanding that your son certainly has by now; your son is old enough to understand boundaries, and this is just another boundary. You will have communicated your expectations to him, so then you just have to enforce them. Think of it as him wanting a piece of candy, and you've said "no." then, you just don't give him the candy. There's no need to talk about it and he can cry all he wants, he still doesn't get the candy, right? Same thing here. If you tend, as a parent, to give in and give him the candy, then this probably won't work for you. If you don't give in once you've asserted a boundary, then just think of this as any other boundary. And know that it should only take one rough night, and then the next night you start the process in exactly the same way and he'll probably test you once or twice and then it'll be fine. And a week or so later, don't be surprised if he tries one last time. You just have to be consistent, maintain the exact same procedure, and show him that you will not budge, because this is a discipline issue, not a love issue or a sleep issue or anything else that's an emotional trigger for you.

I hope that helps. It's really hard to find balance, especially around sleep issues, but I found it really helpful to think of all of this stuff as part of the same process, a process of discipline and boundary-building. Then it's not so fraught with all the other emotional stuff.

Sorry this is so long.....!

Best,
K.

Hi L.,

It sounds like you've gotten some great advice already. I will just give my two cents, and you can take it or leave it. :)

I have a two-year-old boy who co-sleeps with me (and with his father when we visit him - we are not married). I am hoping he will want his own bed eventually, but am not going to rush him. We talk about a "big boy bed" now, and he is not ready. I do think that up to seven years old or so, it is all right to co-sleep.

I was brought up in a family where it was normal for us to co-sleep with our parents (it might be an Asian thing). My cousins slept in the same bed with our grandparents when they were growing up in Taiwan and it was considered standard.

My parents coaxed me out of their bed and into my own "princess bed" by getting me a nice canopy. But that didn't stop me from occasionally wanting to sleep in their bed, and they were fine with that. When my younger sister was old enough, we were both transferred from my parents' room into our own bedroom, and that was so much fun. I think it helped to have a sibling to share that experience.

When my youngest sister was transitioning from my parents' bed to her own bed, my mom made her a "fairy land" with pretty silks and sheets and everything to make her happy for play and rest time. She loved it, and was able to sleep on her own. It was a little space in my parents' room, but it was very easy to transition her into her own room after the fairy land. :)

So, my parents got three daughters to sleep on their own, and it was gradual and with love, so we never felt "rejected" or traumatized by the experience. I know everyone has their own opinions on this, but I think it is best to go gradually, and make sure your son knows that you are doing this because you love him, not because you want him to "go away" or not be with you. At his young age of three, he might not understand the difference yet, and he needs to know you want him.

Whatever you do, follow what your intuition tells you, and maybe wait until the holiday rush is over to totally transition him... he deserves your full attention at this time. :)

Best wishes.

Hey Lady,

We co sleep with our boys until they are 4yrs old. It wasn't pre-planned it just worked out that way with the first one and the second one. And I'm believing it will also for the third one. LOL Since you have an escape artist too (my oldest was the same way), you have to think safty first. I remember the first week was not my favorite with the oldest. I was a mom on a mission and you know how moms can get when we are on a mission. LOL He went right back to his bed every time he got out. It's a wonder why I didn't loose more weight than I did during that week. LOL Here's the good news...he is now 13yrs old and he goes to his bed on his on at night! YEA! LOL

They grow up so very fast L. so be sure to enjoy every second with him. It's hard sometimes but wait until he is a teenager! You will look at him (or up to him as I do now) and wonder how did time go by so fast?

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 13, 8 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal!

If you can't be consistant and firm with him now it will only get worse. He will appreciate boundaries and be a responsible
secure person!!
God Bless

You just need to put your foot down, what you are doing is allowing him out of his bed. When he gets out of his bed you need to put him back into his bed. EVERY time he gets up you need to put him in his bed if it's 10 times. EVERY night. until he gets it. Don't get mad and yell just say "You belong in your bed" "Good night"

All though i don't do the other persons suggestion. I do think some of it might work. (the part about taking the light away) BUT i would not suggest GIVING them things for doing it. If you offer treats for doing things it will over time transfer to other things. You will have to start giving gifts for getting up for school in kindergarten, eating meals or following directions when out and about. You don't want to think these are things they CAN not do. These are required.

Hi L.,

This may sound funny, but why does he need to sleep in his own bed? Sounds like he's happier with you. For my son, who's now 7 and happily sleeps in his own bed and has for years, we just made a big deal about his big boy bed, got him cool sheets etc, but then never made him stay there. We left him the choice and by not making it a big deal or 'you must' kinda thing he transitioned to staying in his own bed pretty easily. You can check out www.askdrsears.com for more info. Good luck!
S.

For my two children, we resorted to good old bribery ... er, I mean positive reinforcements. My daughter really wanted an inflatable pool, which cost about $30. We told her that every night she slept in her bed, she would earn one dollar toward that pool. We put the money in a jar she could see and looked at the picture of the pool in a catalog every day to remind her what she was working for. There were nights when she still came in, but overall she really wanted that pool. The good news is that once you've had them stay in their beds for 30 nights, you've pretty much broken the habit. We did the same thing for my son, only a different toy that he really wanted. The other thing we do is allow each of them to sleep in our room one night every other week (we started with one night per week). They really look forward to "their" night but they know if they come in on a different night, they do not get their special night. My kids are now 8 and almost 6 so this has worked for about 5 years for my daughter and about 3 years for my son. Good luck to you!

I do not think co sleeping is a bad thing- you reaaly will not have much more time to do it anyway-because he won't think its a cool thing to do! but why not try setting him up in a small bed in your room- so technically you are still there- baby steps.

L.:
We have a 3-yr-old who likes to sneak downstairs as well, and really would prefer to sleep in my bed all the time. We have improved on it (but not entirely eliminated the behavior) by setting up a system of positive and negative consequences, which we discuss each night at bedtime. Our son gets to pick out one toy he'd like to have. If he stays in his room and makes no trips downstairs at all, then when I come up to bed I place the toy in his room so he can have it first thing in the morning. If, however, he comes downstairs, he does not get the toy. If he comes downstairs twice, he loses his nightlight. Another time, he loses his CD-player, etc. etc. He's about 50/50 on getting the toy, but we have only had to take more than the nightlight once. I hope this is helpful, and good luck!!

hi L., you have lots of possibilities, but only 2 that will allow you to sleep (eventually.) the first is to co-sleep, a happy and viable option for many. if you don't like this (and don't let yourself get bullied into it if you don't want to) then you have to put him back to bed, quietly, firmly, quickly. every single time. 300 times a night if you have to. no anger, no conversation, no debate, no drama. you may not sleep for a week. but when he gets it, he gets it, and you will not be prolonging it for months or years the way all too many do.
fortunately you're young.
khairete
S.