Christmas Traveling

Updated on December 14, 2010
A.M. asks from Weare, NH
5 answers

Every year since I was born my family has gone down to Massachusettes for Christmas Eve where my dad was from and see his family, come home and then Christmas Day open our presents at home and later go to my moms parents for dinner. We were the only grandchildren and neice and nephew living nearby so thats when we would see my moms brothers and sister. The only year I ever missed it was when my dad was sent down south to Texas for a year and we all went down there. We had Christmas in Alabama tho with my moms brother so we were still with family. My moms mom died so we stopped going to my grampas house becuase he sold it and bought a litle condo. But we still go to Massachusettes. This year my fiance has been struggling with his feelings towards his family. So now he says why do we have to go to my aunts that night. I told him when we first met thats what I do and it has been a tradition for the 10 years we've been together. When I ask him why is this a big deal now he says hes mad that we dont go to see his family. They only problem is his family don't want him around. His adopted parents told him 12 years ago if he found his birth mom they would not speak to him anymore and that he should be grateful that they took him in. Now if it were me I wouldn't want to see them. Should I cancel our families tradition because hes upset, r maybe just stop for a year and wait for him to work it out.

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So What Happened?

Thanks moms, I know he has a lot going on but we can't do anything with his family because they refuse to speak to him. Since he did find his birthmom about 11 years ago they refuse to have anything to do with him, us or their grandkids. I did let them know when all three were born, we've had the same phone number for 6 years. Hes called them and the have hung up on him. So now its just us. He told me yesterday that he can remember when he was 15 and they almost got a divorce he overheard them fighting and saying that they both wish they never adopted him in the first place. I've tried to be there for him and he is going to therapy which has helped a lot. He went yesterday and talked to me after and said he would like to go now because my family have been so warm and open to him his therapist asked him if he could think of my family as his too. He told me that he does he just wishes he had the chance to see his family but they have decided to cut him out.

More Answers

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Or why don't you try to start something NEW! Play around for a few years to see what suits ALL. That is what is going on with me and mine and so far my side has been doing "Thanksmas" and celebrating whenever we feel like it (aka when we can all get together) and we still have all the same feelings no matter what time of year it is! So we are free to do the In Law stuff with them. I think he has some things to work out and you have some things to support him on and if you family is as it seems loving and tight nit they will understand your absence for a while and willingly have "make up days"

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P.B.

answers from Spartanburg on

Wow..step parents can be harsh..poor guy. Well, if you marry him (or anyone else I guess) wouldn't you have to do a year with your family and a year with his? If he needs your support now, perhaps you can try something different this year.

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K.M.

answers from Boston on

Keep your plans as usual. Ask him if he even received an invite from his family yet? (I would be very upset if I cancelled my tradition only to sit home and do nothing.) Also, remind him that this is his family now too! Why don't you ask him if he wants to invite his family for another day? No reason you can't do it all. I've gone to my sisters for 15 years and only stopped when my son was born. But we always still go down sometime Christmas week.

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M.M.

answers from Boston on

You have alot issues goings on here...let me just say for starters that as an adoptive parent myself, I'm appalled at your future in law's attitude - yes, the thought of YOUR CHILD going out looking for his birthmom is a little scary or nerve-wracking or something like that but at the end of the day he's still their child and they're still his parents regardless as to how they got there and it has nothing to do w/ gratitude or they've done it all for the wrong reasons. With that said, cut your fiance some slack - he's got alot to work out-- maybe do something different..start your on tradition or alternateholidays or do xmas on alternate years ...Good luck

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J.P.

answers from Boise on

If he has an option of doing something with his family, you should compromise. It shouldn't ALWAYS be your family, you are going to be married and you have to incorporate both families, and various traditions. How about switching off every other year. If it is just that he is upset with his family and doesn't want to be around family, you could be sensitive to that too, at least this year. Or let it just be the two of you every other year.

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