Christmas and the MIL

My advice? Let it go. Her request may seem quirky, but it's nothing to get upset over. There are bigger fish to fry out there. :)

My Mom has been doing something similar since my oldest was born 9 years ago. (however,she also always gets my children gifts to take home too, off their "wish list"). The gift that my children and their cousins open are "grandma house" gifts - usually something that my Mom thinks the children would enjoy - but did not specifically ask for. All the kids love that these special toys are there each time they come to visit. We've never had an issue where any of the kids (mine or my sisters) wanted to take something home. But then again my children have never known any different. I think if you don't make a big deal about it the kids won't either.
Good Luck.

My mother-in-law does this as well but I like it. She tells the kids when they open the presents that they are to stay at her house for when they come over. Now they have a whole chest of toys to play with when they visit her. It also keeps down the toy clutter at my house.

Mine does the same thing. So when my daughter threw a fit about not being able to take the pretty purple ball home, I left grandma to handle/explain it. Eventually I think she realized a 3 year isn't going to get this. She has learned to buy gifts, unwrapped, and tell her this is Grandma's toy and you can play with it here. When it wrapped and tied up with a bow it is a whole different ball game. I let my husband diffuse most issues with her, but this one the 3 year old handled all on her own ;)

I understand your MIL's point. We also do the same thing with my mother. Most of the stuff stays there but they do take home the occasional thing like games for the gameboy, etc. If the kids really want to take it home, it is allowed. MIL is trying to have control and sometimes you just have to pick your battles. I would respect her wishes. It might be a different story when your child is heartbroken when she cannot take the toy home. Let her be the bad guy.

my mother does this with my niece and nephew, who live very close to her. she has discussed it with me and she really wants to entice them to visit her and find it fun and exciting. it's a little sad, but it's a way for her to feel like she's nurturing their relationship. i think she sometimes feels a little left out of their lives and taken for granted. the kids don't seem to mind, unless it's a really attractive toy. i like the advice about letting her explain to the situation to your daughter.

When I was growing up, my paternal grandparents did this. Anything we opened at their house, stayed at their house. My brother and I hated this, but mainly because we had cousins who spent much more time at the grandparents house than we did (my aunt was widowed and my grandparents were retired, so they were primary caregivers for her kids while she worked). What this meant was that by the time we saw the toys again, they were used and usually broken. In fact, I don't actually remember any gifts from my paternal grandparents. I remember sitting around opening things and then being sad because I would have liked to have that toy but knew I would probably only get to play with it for that day. The weird thing is that I was the only girl cousin, so you would think that the boys wouldn't be into playing with the toys that were for me. Nope -- the "girl" things almost always disappeared before the next time I visited.

What my parents do now is they buy toys throughout the year whenever they see something on sale that they think the kids will like or they buy toys from garage sales or Goodwill. They keep these things in a toy box in their basement that is shaped like a treasure chest. When my kids go to visit, they go through the "treasure chest" and always find new (new to them) toys to check out. My parents don't spend a lot of money for these things. But for a gift giving ocassion, my kids are given a wrapped toy that they can take with them. My parents live 3 hours away and they regularly babysit for kids in their neighborhood and run their church nursery, so the "treasure chest" is for any and all kids that come to their house. That way there is not an expectation that the toys are unshared as there would be if a kid unwrapped something and then left it there. And if any kid falls in love with a toy from the treasure chest, they are allowed to take it home.

Could grandma want more time with the grand-daughter than just 4 hours per month? Maybe this is a way to feel needed through the toys. I hope it all works out in your daughter's favor but as someone else said, when your daughter finds out she needs to leave her presents behind and becomes upset, then there could be the opportunity to say something on your part like, how would you like to visit grandma's more...maybe it would also improve these weird things from happening. Whatever you do don't battle her on this? If you husband feels very strongly about it all then he should do the battling?

What I thought when I read this was that you don't have to tell your child anything. It will be your MILs duty to explain to her grandchild that she can't take the toys home and that she can only play with them at her house. If disapointment or fussing ensues, then it's Grandma's problem. Although, it's really not that big of a deal. My mom has always had toys that stay at her house, although, she's never given them as gifts - any gifts my mom gives come home with us, it's a little off, but not a big deal.

WOW...that is what my MIL does. She is approx 3 hours away and I was quite supprised by it. The problem for me is that she lets them take them home when they have out grown them or she decides that they take up too much room. So I then have to negotiate with my children that they are too old for the "learn to walk toys" and such since they have been walking for years or deal with the large toys that take up way too much room.
I feel for you. I usually just tell the kids that is the way Grandma wants it/likes it. I think that lets them form their own opinion on Grandmas choices and there is no negotiation with me.

My mom does exactly the same and she lives in Ireland!! I think it is a psychological way of trying to have a connection. It isn't worth fighting and my daughter hasn't complained yet. She wants me to leave all the presents my daughter gets in Ireland - maybe as some sort of draw for us to come back. I generally leave some but not all the items there. We have plenty of toys at our house so I just go with the flow. My mom is generous in other ways and this is just her quirk.

First, I don't think kids are so materialistic at that age that they are going to die with leaving gifts at Grandmas. Second, this is not the one you want to go to war over...there are many more things coming that are more important, hehehe. I wouldn't give Grandma a "favorite-must have item" for her list for that reason, but she probably wants your little girl to have toys to play with, and maybe come over more...just my opinion. You'll be thankful you don't have as much clutter!!And, like some others said, let Grandma handle any questions.

Here's an idea. Take a picture of Grandma and your daughter. Put in in a frame and have your daughter decorate it. Give it to grandma for christmas and when she goes to take it home explain that it stays here in your daughters room and when she come to visit she can enjoy it.

Tanya,
If I were you I wouldnt say a word. Let nature run its course. It is inevitable that your child will want to take something home and she is not going to say no to her grandchild and if she does, then so be it. I'd tell my child, "Grandma has her rules and that is how she wants it. She wants you to have toys at her house" and leave it at that. You may even come to like this as your house becomes full of toys, or when you're not crazy about whatever it is she buys for your child. I wish some of the gifts my kids get could stay somewhere other than my house. Especially the GIANT plastic ones, the noisy ones or the ones with 4,000 pieces! I would just ride this one out. Happy Holidays!

It sounds weird, but I would just go with the flow.
My Inlaws are weird,too.It's just something material,not wort a fight.
Who knows maybe this will change in the future.
I don't know their financial situation,maybe they can't
afford to buy for your home and their home.
If your child would be very upset,that Grandma takes the toy away,I would ask,would you mind to leave it here,we will bring some toys to stay at your house next time we come over.

Perhaps you could play this off as "Okay, let's help Grandma open the presents she bought for her house. These are Grandma's presents and they will live at her house, not your presents. We are just HELPING Grandma open HER presents..."

Like, stress that the presents are Grandma's presents, so your daughter won't become attached to them. I can't imagine opening a doll and falling in love, only to be told, no that doll stays here!

It is strange, in my opinion. But, if you look at it like, 'Grandma wants to fill her house with toys and dolls so (my daughter) can play there happily' -and not that it is strange for an adult to tell a child they can't keep a toy!- then, maybe it will all work out. Just be very clear, and say it out loud so Grandma can hear, that the toys are Grandma's and that they live at Grandma's house with Grandma all the time. A two year old should understand that. (But they may not like it!!)

Hi Tanya

From an Irish Mom my advice is simple. Let the presents be in your mother in laws house and from Grandma but when it comes to going home and naturally your child will want to take the present home let the Grandma discuss with the child what they would like to do? Let the experience of Grandma and her negotiation skills do this with the child and see how the Grandma interacts with the child and explains her train of though on leaving the present at grandmas house. It will be very enlightening for all indeed I know this myself as my mother would buy gifts during the year for my kids and when we would leave my mother would say maybe you should leave them here for the next time you come down to play and you can play with them here. Sometimes it works sometimes it does not but it will be the Childs decision and will leave everyone happy.

Dont know the idea she has starting out but let it develop and see what happens perhaps you should post the result here it would be very interesting for us all.

Happy Holidays

P.

I think it is okay for some of the toys, but all of them. We live in a two bedroom condo with two kids, so we can not take all of the grandparents gifts home with us because of lack of space in our home for it. My parents will buy them some gifts that they can take home, while others will stay for them to play with at Grandma's house. I think that is a fair trade. My daughter is 4 and it would be very difficult to tell her that her presents can't come home with her. I could see a huge battle with that one. I can see both sides of the issue, you both need to find a middle ground. At the age of 2, your child may still not care whether the toys stay or go, but your MIL needs to understand that when your child is older it would be very difficult to tell them that they can't take any of their toys home with them.

Well, There's not much you can do about anothers descision on how to give gifts. You don't have to like it but it is their decision. I would say if they are going to stay at Grandma's home, they should be opened at Grandma's home. Do not accept any obligation to have the children open toys at your house and then return them to Grandma.

Grandma may change her mind one day when she is coping with a crying child who thought the toys was her's. Maybe not, but it's not your job to fix that.

Relative gifts can be a pain. Some are so inappropriate, battery hungry, time consuming to put together. grrr

As to what you have to say. I would say, not much. That is between grandma and the child. If the child asks, say "That's what grandma wants to do. I'm not sure why. You can ask her."

My Mom "keeps" all the presents she gives my kids...I look at it this way it is less for me to get rid of later...if she is only there a few hours a month Perhaps MIL will realize that the monies spent are wasted as they grow out of certain toys quickly and they weren't played with alot. You could also request that instead of plastic and stuff from the store that she contribute to a college fund so she doesn't accumulate too much and become too materialistic. If you otherwise have a good relationship with her don't rock the boat unless this is something that you won't be able to let go of.

You have gotten some great advice so far especially from Phyllis. I would add that right now it is not a big deal, eventually you could swap toys out when your child visits grandma. In this way your child would always have new/different/fresh toys at grandma's and at home. I agree with you it is very strange but you know people.....

Whether you agree with this concept or not, is this really worth the battle? (I'm with you; I think this idea is a bit strange)

The bottom line is that she is the gift-giver and, unfortunately, it's her choice as to how she wants to handle this.

Besides...one day your daughter will want to know why she can't take the presents home. At this time your husband can say "Yeah, grandma, why can't Susie take her present home with her?"

LOL at reply below from Mom G. I totally agree! It is ridiculous that your daughter cannot take her presents home. It is a waste of your MIL's money to do this. Personally, I think it is mean.

When I was little, I was always have toys at home and at grandma. All toys are mine, just in different places.
Let grandma deal with explaining to your child if the present has to stay there and not coming home with her (or grandma will have it back to keep at her house). Let your child express her feelings to grandma. You can just watch :)
If you worry about the year to come, don't. Maybe next year this will not be the case anymore. Or maybe it will happen every year, it become a tradition and no one will bother with it anymore.

It sounds like a control thing between you and your mil. And, like it or not, she can give toys with whatever strings attached if that's what she chooses. You can always refuse the presents. It's not worth the energy you've already invested. They are just toys.

I suggest you give it a chance. Your daughter may really like having special toys at Grandmas that she gets to play with on special occassions. I would just maybe ask clarity on when and how she would like your daughter to play with the toys and be respectful of her wishes. You are a role model for your daughter on how to handle sticky present situations...what messages do you want her to learn?

What we always do is right after Christmas is we have both of our kids pick out about 5 toys (new or old) and bring them to Grandma's to stay. And then Grandma picks 5 toys or so and puts them away. It is just part of our toy rotation. And my kids are at Grandma's about 10 hours a week.

I personally think it's a nice idea - that way when she does visit grandma, she'll already have some toys there. Grandma's giving the gift - it's her choice what to give and how (it's your choice as the parent to decide if it's inappropriate to accept it). Just because you were raised to think that a gift given to you is yours to do with what you please doesn't mean that's how you have to raise your child. Afterall, if she decided she wanted to use her present to hurt someone you'd step in and say no, so what's the difference in telling her that this is how this particular gift will be used?

Your daughter won't know the difference. This is all new to her and whatever happens she will be her reality. Tell your daughter that the gift is a toy for grandmas house.

I think grandma has a good idea. Especially if this is the first grandchild and she doesn't have toys at her house for the kid to play with.

Also, don't project into the future with your mother in law or anyone else for that matter.

You have no idea what the future will bring. We could all die tomorrow.

I love Phyllis' response! Sometimes we make things more complicated than they need be. Grandma is a blessing and I'll bet she loves her grandchildren to pieces!

For Godsake the child is a two year old. Be happy that the grandmother wants to do something. She will probably buy something she wants to play with (with the child). Why can"t she have something at her house? You,re being petty.

You are making a big deal over nothing. Let it be. Grandma is trying to have a place for your daughter with her own stuff. If your child asks to take a toy home, more than likely grandma will allow her to do so. My kids have toys at grandmas and it is exciting to play with them there and rarely do they want o bring them home. There is no rule. They look forward to playing with those toys there. Would you rather lug toys back and forth? I would rather they have a stash there. My kids have enough toys at home.

Legally yes the items belong to your daughter once she is given the gift but for some reason, probably spite, your MIL does not want it to be that way. There is only one person who can truly do and say anything about this, that is your husband. Her son is the only one she will listen to at this point. In a couple years she will have to answer to her grandchild, when she asks grandma, "Why can't I take this home." The truth is most MIL have problems with DIL and it may not be noticeable but if she complaining about this issue you will see what I mean. If your husband talks to her she will probably listen.
If your husband doesn't see this as an issue just let it drop. You may be surprised this Christmas when your daughter gets something from Grandma that she really loves and goes to leave with it, Grandma might just let her take it.

S.

Hi Tanya I thinks it's unfair since your child isn't at her grandmother's much. If you see wants to have toys at her house for her that fine but she could at least give her Christmas presents for home.

Um, I think you are overreacting a little. Does your child not have enough toys at home to play with? When I was a kid, we had toys that our grandparents gave us that stayed at their house, it just wasn't a big deal. If your child is 2 she won't even notice where those toys are when she gets other presents to play with and when she is older, she will be old enough to understand that some toys are for home and some for grandma's house.

Besides, if your daughter is there playing and wants to take a toy home, the rules may relax and they may let her later on. I actually think both you and the grandma are being sort of rigid to even make this an issue. There are so many bigger things- is this just a symptom of some other problem between you guys?

Step over the small fires and save your strength to put out the big ones. Just let this one go, IMO...

Tanya, Some things to consider, you do hold the power card in this situation, because grandma would probably cave if you threatened to not let her see baby as often, but I am not recommending this, just the opposite. Is this just an off-hand idea of hers or is the message firmer? If the former, then say you don't think its a good idea, but you would be happy to send the gifts with baby when she comes to visit grandma and then bring them back home after the visit. She may just want to see her play with them. (Aren't we just overloaded with tote bags, and don't you have one that could be used for toys when going to grandma's?) If her message is firmer, then she sounds to be a somewhat difficult and dominating person and your relationship over the years will be touchy. As much as this rubs you the wrong way, a relationship with a grandma a block away could be a source of richness for your child. With this in mind, go along with her and give her even more than she asks, i.e. ask if she would like you to send along a bag of baby's at home toys for things to do at grandma's. Playing power games with her will leave you all losers. Lastly, because she proposes this now, doesn't foretell what will happen in the future. With your good will, things should develop eventually without the clash of wills.

i think if she starts this tradition now your child will think this is normal to them and i would guess this will only last a year or 2 then she will get sick of the toys at her house i would just go with the flow at least this year

if your child gets a present he really want to take home with him have him ask grandms then

How did she come up with that idea? I'm sure Santa will make up for everything. Maybe that toy will be forgotten. I'm not sure why she wants to do it that way. If it does seem to bother your child, I would then discuss it with her. Maybe she's just trying to hint to visit more often. Maybe next year, I would ask next year she not bother giving a present or not visit for Christmas such as a Christmas vacation.