Children Waking All Night Long....

S.,
I can sympathize with you, sleep is so important but even more so for a mother. Sometimes, it's the only small break we get and if you're not getting that down time you feel raw, short tempered and can easily be overwhelemd and depressed. You asked for a plan and I'm going to tell you some of the things we did. My kids are 14, 8 and 5.

As soon as all three of my kids moved to a "big boy/girl bed" I put a gate on the door. I explained to them that it was not safe to be walking around the house at night alone so the gate was there to keep them safe. I told them that if they needed me, to call for me and I would be there but under no circumctace were they to get out of bed.

That worked like a charm. My daughter was a little more teary about it so I gave her one of my t-shirts that I had already worn and had my smell on it. She is now 5yrs and still sleeps with it and has since aquired one of my husband's as well. But, she sleeps through the night no problem and when I check on her, she often is cuddled with my t-shirt.

My son who is 8 had asked us to tape pictures of ourselves on the head of his bed. He likes to look at them if he's missing one of us. That too has worked. If either my husband or I are away from home, he still askes for one of our shirts too.

I think the one thing that I decided early on was that personally, I just couldn't sleep with that many people in my bed so right off the bat my rule was, this is the grown up bed. If you need me, I'll come to you but my bed is off limits to kids.

I completely agree with what the other moms have said, pick a plan and stick with it. Don't give in! You may have one or two weeks from hell but after that it will get so much easier. Kids can pick up on your frustration and will work into it like a grain of sand in an oyster. Hold strong mom, you can do this.

OK, one last thought. I know it's hard to not resent your hubby for not behaving the way you want him to in this situation. I know he must be a great guy because you married him. However, men are hardwired very differently than we are. After all, do you think he'd be on a parent blog asking for help? I don't think so, we just have different needs. Don't expect that he's going to see this from your point of view because he's just not wired that way. I'm sure he wants to support anything that he thinks would make you happy but his hormones don't rule like yours do. When you become a mom, there's a part of you that clicks on for the rest of your life. It's your mother's intuition and your lifeline to your kids. Dads don't get that internal click like we do and quite frankly, they are mystified by it.

I know you will get through this. After all. there's nothing like motherhood to teach you what you're really capable of. Best of luck.

S. -
Been there - done that and I feel for you! I have a 4 year old and 2 1/2 and we just decided to 'bite the bullet' and had about 3-4 sleepless nights in the process, but now both my kids sleep all night (and in there OWN beds!). First we did shut their bedroom doors and with my 4 year old we put a doorknob lock so that we wouldn't let him come into our room (because sometimes it's just easier to give in at 3:00 a.m.).
We started with the 5, 10, 15 minute checks (as they were screaming hesterically) - the first night was bad - but by the 3rd night, they understood and it only took 1 check at 5 minutes. You may end up doing this a couple of times a night during the first night or two. But BE CONSISTENT - it WILL work eventually. You definately need to get your husband on board with this because if he gives in, it just won't work. I would cut out the laying down with them each night, altogether. Start by just sitting on the edge of the bed (reading a story or something). Also, make sure you TELL them what their nighttime routine will be from now on - they understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Good Luck!

T.

S.,
I had that problem with my daughter. She still occasionally comes in but now it's only if she has a bad dream or if theres a storm. If it's a dream I will go and take all the "bad thoughts" out of her dreams and tuck her back in. If it's a storm...she sleeps with us...she is deathly afraid for some reason. I finally had to do something when I was falling asleep on my lunch break at work. It was a long week! Everytime she woke up (she was approx 3yrs) and came into my room, I would get out of bed, carry her to her bed, give her kisses and tuck her back in...screaming or not. I also explained that she's a big girl and big girls sleep in their own beds. If she wanted TV, I explained the TV was sleeping (if convenient unplug it when they aren't around) and then try to turn it on to prove it. Make the only available drink at night plain water. they are going to hate it for a short time, but after about a week things will be much much better, they will even stop getting out of bed when they wake up, since they know all they are going to get is put back into bed.
I know your frustration with your lack of sleep, I was a single parent when my daughter was little, I suppose that's close to the same as a husband that sleeps through everything...you feel alone and you're tired...but just know that if you stick to it things will change. Good Luck! If you ever need to chat, I am here :)
H.

Ok, I haven't read all of the other responses because they are pretty lengthy and I don't have time but here's what worked for me.
My daughter used to be awful about coming into our room and we finally had to go cold turkey to get it to stop because even one night and it's over.
I put cd players and lamps in their rooms and they each get to sleep with an animal or doll. At 7pm they get jammies on, brush teeth and then I read a story. Then it's bedtime and each time they come out they lose one of their things (cd, lamp, animal). So, if they don't stay in there they will eventually be sleeping in the dark with no music or animal and the door closed.
Here's what I would do if I were you. I know it's hard core but your problem is only going to get worse and be harder as they get older.
Pick a day and use that entire day to explain to them that they are big boys now and they need to sleep in their own beds. That no one will be sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's bed anymore and there will be no drinks after supper or during the night and no tv during the night. You can get the cds, or maybe a new animal or something to make their room or beds exciting and fun. You can also offer rewards for who stays in their bed all night like being able to pick the movie or a special treat. Also be sure to make a HUGE deal out of it if they stay in their beds all night. Kids live off of positive energy.
And then you have to stick to it. Mean business Mama :o) Tell them what's going to happen if they come into your bed and do it. Keep bringing them back to their beds or even lock or gate your door if you have to. You're not abusing them by not letting them into your room, remember that. It's hard as parents to hear our kids cry but you have to remember that they are crying because they are mad, not because they are hurt. I'll bet you have them trained in a week or less.
My kids sleep wonderfully from 7 pm to 7 am and it's so nice. You'll wish you had done it sooner.
Best Wishes,
J.

I'm so sorry. My husband and I have dealt with this too.

My (now 3 1/2) son was waking up all night long, and we were laying with him until he fell asleep. I was pregnant at the time we finally got serious (this was about 6 months ago). Here's what we did... we explained what our new plan was, and what he was going to have to do. We also told him that -under no circumstances - was he to get out of bed.

We set up the routine. About 15 minutes before it gets to be that time, we warn him... than when it's time, we sit down and watch a 15 minute show. Than, one of us goes into his bedroom with him, sit on the rocking chair, and read a book. He climbs into bed, and we talk about what we've seen at the zoo and circus... I don't know WHY it's always about the zoo and circus, but it is! :). Than we remind him that he cannot get out of bed, but he can talk quietly to himself. This was REALLY hard at first... because like you, we tried EVERYTHING!!! We just had to stick with it. And, he gets up a LOT less during the middle of the night. Sometimes when he wakes up, I will cuddle him on the rocking chair for no longer than a few minutes... and he goes right back into bed. He knows that he can't come into our bed. If he does try to crawl into our bed, we get up (no matter how much we don't want to) and put him back in his bed. It is by NO means easy, and I think because we tried so many other things first, he figured out that if he just held out long enough, he'd eventually would get his way (like all the other times!). It took a good 6 weeks of him fighting us. Sometimes he'll still try to argue, but it doesn't work! It was really hard for me to stick to my guns, but we are all so much happier now! Also, we started to but him to bed a full hour before he normally was going to bed... it gave him enough time to wind down and fall asleep without it being in the middle of the night!

Just remember, no matter how you decide to deal with this situation, you have to be consistnat. If you aren't, they will just push you about everything!! We learned that the HARD way!

Good luck!

I am the mother of twins who are now 6 years old (one boy - Hunter & one girl - Cierra). They are both very bright independent loving children. However, they have never been good sleepers. We recently moved into a new (very large) home in September (after living in our camper for 2 months while building it). Their bedrooms are upstairs and ours is downstairs. At first, every night at least one of them would come down to my bedroom. They were scared, couldn't sleep, you name it. I would either let them get into bed with us or walk them upstairs to their bed and lay with them for a minute. Well, this got old very fast. It was hard because I empathised with them so much. Remembering when I was little, always wanting to sleep with my older sisters or brothers. Well, I made them each up their own calender made it really nice and personalized and I told them each day they made it through the night without coming down we would put a sticker on that day and when they got to a week we would go shopping for something little for them and if they made it to two weeks we could go shop for something even bigger. They really had fun with it and they did it!! It gave them a goal, a reward, and we had something tangible for them to see their progress and accomplishments. They were so proud of themselves and Mom slept good for the first time in months. It is now 8 months later and occasionally they still come down but now I don't mind so much. There is usually a legitimate reason now. We have used the calendar for other things now too. It is amazing how well it works. Good Luck!

S.,

Just to add to what Bernadette said, be careful that you pick one thing and stick with it until the end. I've heard alot of people complain when they're trying to break a bad habit of their kids "that we've tried everything" and sometimes that's the problem. You have to pick something and stick with it cause if your trying something new every couple days you haven't established a routine at all.

Bernadette is right you have to stay consistent though, which I know is hard cause it's 3 am and really it is just easier to give in, but if you stick to it for 4 days you will have won the battle and may only have to enforce it again occasionally. Your boys are old enough to start understanding. Start getting them ready for the idea early in the day, and find ways to bring it up through out the day in an encouraging matter of fact way. If your boys do not have a regular bed time routine ie brush teeth, go potty, read a story; now's the time to start that too, those sort of things will be just as important to the routie as enforcing the idea of them staying in their own bed. Explain that from now on you're in your big boy beds and mommy and daddy are in their own bed alone. Then each time either of them come "knocking on your door" lead them back to their own room, hug kiss and leave the room, always... if you hang out in there for even a min that will become part of the routine. Obviously you will have a couple of sleepless nights ahead of you, so make sure you don't have too much going on the days you choose to do this (like any mother of two has a few days of nothing going on HA!) but if you stick with it, it will be worth it. Also I'd suggest starting this early in the week, if your house is anything like mine weekend schedules are very different that weekday schedules and you don't want it all thrown out the window as soon as it starts working. My only other comment will be a total personal choice but if you have a baby gate you may want to try putting that at their individual bedroom doors, if their room is safe the worst that could happen is they cry until they fall asleep on their own floor, seems harsh but after a day or two they'll see you man buisness and stay in bed. Good Luck

I really feel for you.....I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband is like that too..he doesn't wake up when the kids get in our bed..and since I stay home, he rarly ever gets up with them (only if someone wants him real bad and i can't help). We have three boys, it took some time to brake this habbit and I did it myself. My 4 1/2 yr old finally just kinda had enuff of a crowded queen bed and likes to just stay in his own but still wakes up alot with leg pain and "accidents". When he wasn't coming to bed it was nice because We still had a baby and todler in with us. Finnally from not sleeping because of just having a baby....I had to do something. I put the crib in our room and let him cry it out. Now with the toddler. I quite cold turkey. I would visit in his room and read to him to make sure he had enough time with me before bed and then sit by the door. don't sit on the bed. if he gets out, just tell him hes a big boy and you can do it..and bring him back, tuck him in, don't lingure and give in to him holding you there. Sounds mean but you got to do it. It takes time and you can't go back. My son always does the "but i want you mommy" and boy is it hard sometimes. they know you brake after awail so you need to keep going! If they get into bed, get up and put them back to second you notice, eventually from doing this, they'll give up and stay in there own. If you feel this is to mean for you .. i have head of others getting a bed to put in there room they can sleep in or making a bed of sleeping bags next to the bed they are only aloud to sleep in. I have never personally tryed it because our room is just to small and I like to to be able to have adult relations with my husband without the worry now that we moved our youngest back to his room. So it took awail but I rarly have anyone getting in our bed now and I finally am getting some sleep. Good luck, stay firm.

As crazy as it sounds, seriously, the "Super Nanny" method worked for me! I have a little one who was just like that and I was getting to the point where I thought I would end up on pain pills for the back issues because there was just no room in the bed for me, the hubby (talk about bastard - mine wouldn't even WAKE UP EVER!) two cats, a dog, and then a three year old who sleeps sideways! Not fun. So I started out the night with a a ritual of putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading ONE book, giving kisses and walking out then door. She would come out, so I would put her right back with a quick, "it's bedtime Morgan" and walk right out the door. then after that (as many times as it took and it took quite a few the first week) I would take her right back to bed when she walked out of her room and DIDN'T SAY A WORD to her (which is hard for me because I'm a talker), I would put her in her bed and turn right around and walk out. Now, during the night when she would wake up, I would do the same thing where I didn't talk to her, I would just put her in the bed. Honestly, it was the HARDEST two weeks of my life I think, but my back is thanking me now. Now, if I could just get those darn animals out, I'd be doing GREAT!

Honestly, I think you have answered your own question by admitting you are not consistant.

One idea that I have heard is to have a pillow and blanket in your room that is there for those times the kids can't sleep in there own room. However, they can only be used to sleep on the floor if they have to sleep in your room at all.

I've never had any issues with this but it is easy to slip into bad habit when you yourself are lacking sleep.

Best of luck. Remember the key all of this changing/working is consistancy so keep trying!

My son is a little younger, but we did tend to comfort him when he woke up at night. Occassionally bringing him to our bed to sleep. I guess getting him to sleep was mostly the routine. Your children are old enough now to understand that they need to be in their own beds. I would start off with a bedtime routine of baths, a book, etc, then settling down on the couch to relax before bed. Put them down just as they can't keep their eyes open anymore. Don't wait until they are fully asleep or too wide awake. If they wake in the night, wait a few minutes before getting up to see them. Eventually they will settle down by themselves. The main thing is you have to be strong and deal with a few rough nights before they get use to the fact that they can't sleep with mommy & daddy. Do your best to not bring them in with you or stay with them. Good luck!

S.,

I have been in the exact place that you are - I feel your pain & frustration! My son was admitted to the hospital shortly after he was born, at four weeks old (nothing too serious, and he was fine - after a week in the hospital), the really bad thing from the stay was that it seemed to set up his sleep habits for two years (I also often caved after coming up with "a plan of action" - and hubby (bastard:) ALSO slept through most of it). From having his temperature & blood pressure checked every hour, on the hour in the hospital, he slipped into that routine of waking up constantly throughout the night. I was a zombie for his first two years of life! I too read books, articles and heard all the advice from every mom I knew. Finally, I got my husband on board by telling him that if he didn't get with the program, I was going to go sleep in a hotel room indefinitely.

We took turns getting our son back into his own bed, so at least every other night, we each would get - at the very least - enough sleep to function the next day. The "plan" itself is very simple: at first, just saying something like "everyone needs to sleep in their own bed", and walking him back to bed, and any time out of bed after that, no talking, just walking him back to bed. The hardest part is sticking with it. I won't kid you, it was a week of hell, but, after a week, we were down to one or two waking up episodes a night, and after two weeks, he was going to sleep by himself and staying in his own bed all night. I know you didn't want to read anymore, and I totally understand - but I do hope you check out this webpage: http://www.supernanny.us.com/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/... . The article lists a bedtime plan - and a link to another article: "Getting Toddlers to Stay in Bed" that is very similar to the routine we used to get our son to go to sleep and stay in his own bed - even though my son is 9 now, and I went through the sleep depravation way before supernanny was ever around, the articles give almost the exact same plan that we used 7 years ago. And . . . ever since we broke him of the bad sleep habits, he has been the BEST "go-to-bedder" kid ever!

Being consistent is the hardest part, you (and your husband!) have got to stick with it, and I promise you - in a week or two, you BOTH will be so much happier! I really hope you get a decent night sleep soon and GOOD LUCK!

P.

The only way that I've ever found that works is the "back to bed" technique. The Super Nanny uses it on her show. The first two nights are usually tough. But after that, it's smooth sailing. First talk to your kids about it early in the day. Tell them what you want for them and from them. "I want you to be able to go to bed like a big boy." "Tonight, we are going to do x,y, and z (put on P.J.s, brush teeth, get a drink, sing a song) then I am going to put you in bed, pull up the covers, give you a kiss and leave." Tell them that you love them and it is time to go to sleep. Tell them that you expect them to stay in their bed. Maybe the first night, you're sitting in the room with them (then every successive night, sit further away from the bed until you're out of the room). BUT, no contact!! This is very important. No talking, no eye contact, nothing. If they get out of bed, do not respond to anything they say (unless ofcourse they are hurt or sick and you really think there is a problem). YOu are only there so they are not scared and to put them back in bed. Simply tell them "It's time to go to sleep." Pick them up, put them back in bed. "Good night, I love you." It is very important to send a very clear message. It is time to go to bed. I am not going to entertain any of your requests. The momment you respond to "one more book," or, "I'm thirsty," the message has been sent that you really don't mean business and that this bedtime thing is flexible. You want to send the message that at bedtime, we go in the bed, we lay down quietly, and wait for sleep to come. If your kids are really trying to sleep (laying down, quietly the whole time) for a long time and still are unsuccessful (say 30-45 min.), then I'd seek the help of a pediatrician.
Kids are smart. Every time you allow your child to do something, they receive a message about what is acceptable and what is not. If you and your husband can write down a bedtime routine and stick to it, it will work. Kids are smart. If you are consistent, they will figure out what they need to do.
Best of luck!
M.--former nanny and teacher and mother to 1-year-old

Hi S.-

I see that you have tons of advice here, but one thing is just remain consistent. I have found that no matter what you try, you need to give it a fair shot.

We had this issue with my daughter when she was still a baby (and thankfully still slept in a crib). No matter what you choose to do, it will suck for 3-4 nights. Be prepared for that. When we finally chose a plan we knew we had to stick to (FYI we used the "Sleep Lady" method), I was prepared to be up for most of the night for several nights in a row. We chose a weekend because your husband sounds like mine. I was the one who got up every time, but then my husband got up with the kids in the morning while I caught up on sleep. A couple of times I did have to kick him out of the bed in the morning, but it was only fair.

Just remember to be consistent. By the third night you will want to just give up, don't! It will get better after a few nights.

Good luck!

-L.