Children over 18

I don't think you're obsessed with them. I just think it's love. I woory about my friends that I never get to see or talk tto anymore. It's just plain love.

A mother will always be concerned about their children.
Be there for them, let them make their own mistakes.
27 and 23 they are young adults. Treat them like young adults.
God is faithful to the prayers of parents. Bathe them in
prayer each day, be there for them is all circumstances,
good and bad.
Find interest of your own. God has a plan for you too.

K. - you have given a limited amount of info here so it's hard to say. What I feel you should do if you are concerned is to talk to all your girls AND you must be ready for honest answers - tell them to answer honestly.

Also, what are your hobbies and do you spend more time on "YOU" than on your daughters - you should. At this point you should spend some time with each of them once-in-awhile, unless some/one of them needs you more - that is based on personality types. However, you, at this point need to be focused on your life and not theirs - it is not good for you to be more focused on them, as it can be a distraction from your self and your own growth into mid-age AND it definately is not good for the girls to be overly dependent on you - which limits their maturation, self-dependence and personal growth.

The key word here is BALANCE - keep it balanced. And, talk to them.

Alli

K.,

I believe the real question is: What do the girls think? If they believe you are a loving supporting mother, than what does it matter what anyone else thinks? If you and your girls have a great relationship then all others opinions are mute.

J. J.

There isn't anything wrong with you being a big part of you adult kids lives, as long as you respect their boundaries and don't neglect this man you're getting to know again :). If they aren't complaining then don't you worry about what other people say. Yes, they need to live their own lives and make their own choices, but when girls hit their 20's that is when they really re-bond with their moms, especially when they start having families of their own.

Just talk to your kids, ask them if you're invading their space too much and make it OK for them to be honest with you!

K.,
no, i do not think your obsessed with your children. i have a daughter that will soon be 19 and my son is now 21. i have been single for several years and i constantly worry about my kids. my friends tell me i need to learn to cut the apron strings. well my kids are my life and if i dont look out for them, who will.

I think you care about what happens to them as all Mothers do, or at least should. After all other than our husbands and parents......and parents pass on, we only have our children. The Grandchildren are the light and happiness in our lives. So, no, I don't think you are obcessed.........just a loving Mom.

I think you should ask the people who are closest to you to elaborate on their concerns. They might just be saying it as a joke, or they might be serious. It does not mean you have to agree or change your behaviors, just get the information from the "outside." Don't bother arguing or getting defensive, think of it as "research" and try to stay emotionally removed or it will be hard for them to be honest with you. I know this through experience. It is never easy to ask for or get parenting advice, even when your children are grown. Ask them clarifing questions, focused on how they think your behaviors might be harmful to you or your daughters.

My sister has a grown daughter (25) and she is not obsessed, just very very very involved. Her daughter has been honest (ie telling her that the wants do buy her own clothes now, etc.)

Of course, you need to have an open, honest talk about it with your daughters. Really listen. We cannot tell you if you are "obsessed" but your asking kind of says to me that you think there might be some truth in the matter :)

My sister went back to school when her youngest went to college. It is important for women to find ways to get re-involved with their own growth, I think it helps in the process of letting kids "go." (which of course, you never really will)

Good luck!

J

It depends.... Once kids leave home, it is up to you to form a new life for yourself with your own friends and activities. Is this the case?
With a healthy mother/daughter relationship, the kids do their thing, have their own friends and jobs and night life, and when they want to chat or get advice or have a family meal, they call you and get together. Normal depends on the family heritage--some families enjoy get togethers every weekend, others only get together on holidays.

You are not obssessed with them, you simply love them and want the best for them. Most of all you want them safe. I have an 18 year old son, whom I worry about a lot, but I do want the best for him. He is a college student, whom I do not want him to endure the things in life that I am enduring with being on a low , very low paying job, and a mortgage that is behind due to my low wage job. I want my son to complete college, and land a much better job than I have, although I do hold a Bachelor Degree, but still under paid. But in all you are not obssessed with your girls, love them and continue to keep them close to you. Motherhood Is Awesome,LD Broaden

I am a mother of 8 kids and 7 grand kids.They are 30,28,27,26,20,19,and 16 year old twins and 7 grand kids who are 14 year old twins,6,5,4,3,3, I worry about my kids and my grand kids all the time. Some more than others.Because you love your kids and you are not obssessed.Mothers seem to worry about there kids and grand kids a lot. Dads do to.I think moms do because they have a closer relationship with the kids. She is the one who mostly cares for them when they are little.Love them and be there for them. and need be show tough love when needed.It is hard for mothers to let go of there kids even as they become adults.Be there for them ans show them you love them and tell them often that you love them.You can never be to obsessed with your kids.Love your kids and when you have grand kids love them to and be there for them all when they need you and need to talk. I am not a real expert on this because my parents weren't there for me. I was abused. But I am trying to be there for my kids and it seems to be working.Don't worry what others say. love them,hug them and be there for them. Good luck.

lol...your a mom. I am 29 and my sister is 30. My mom talks to us everyday. If by chance she doesnt call my sister and I freak out by calling her work, home, cell phones, her boyfriend, and anyone else we can think of. And we do this until she calls us back. We have grown up knowing that we can always count on our moms unconditional love, support, and her phone calls. I think your doing a great job, and your kids even with their ages will always know you are there for them no matter what. Just dont be in their business if they dont want you there, but you can ask questions until your blue in the face and they will still love you for it.

Like the others said. The more you push, the more they will run. ;-) It is a fact. I did when my mom got like that. In fact she was so involved emotionally with us that when the youngest left home she cried for days at a time if none of the kids called her, wrote her, or visited. That is just not healthy.

You need to find activities you enjoy with friends in your peer group. And then if you are out when the girls call you, just talk a few minutes and go on with your activity. It helps the kids too--they become more independent and sure of themselves. You will find that sometimes when they call you they are just wanting a reassurance, they don't really want you to tell them how to do something or what to do.

But the best thing you can do for all of you is to get 'obssessed' with something else. Bowling, sewing, taking pictures, starting a book club. Anything that involves other people and gives you projects. ;-)

K., you sound like you're a loving an concerned parent. I think it's harder to completely "let go" for daughters but you always want reassurance they are being taken care. My son is twenty and my daughter is 18, I still stay up waiting for them until their safe in bed.

<My daughter is 23 years old. I have always had the opinion that if you are there and available for them, they will tell you anything. I have a policy of not judging my daughter or her friends. Stop butting in their business because they will shut down. Be there for your daughters. Let them come to you and talk. You will be surprized at how open the conversation will be when they know you are there to listen and not offer advise unless you are asked for it. And when you give that advise, remember that you were their age at one time and remember what you were thinking and doing at that time. Don't judge them. Good luck with your daughters. Enjoy them. They are your blessings.

It's hard to answer your question without knowing you or your children. However, I can say that my mom is too involved. She is an extreme case and I can't imagine you are like her. For instance, when my sister and I wanted to move out we were told that we had to move in with each other so that we would know if a sister wasn't home by curfew, who the other is with, ect. Mom intended on calling every night at 10 to make sure we were both home.

I am now almost 30, am married and have four girls. Yet my mom still asks me who my friend is, how I met her, how long I have known her, ect. She comes over if I don't answer my phone (sorry mom, my phone died. sorry mom, my cell phone didn't get service. Sorry mom, I was on the other line.) She is very nosy and controlling. She assumes if my husband is working late he's having an affair and if he comes home early he was fired. It's ridiculous.

S., mom to four girls

I think I understand how you feel. I am the mother of 25 and 23 year old sons. The mothering instincts run strong thru my veins! It is hard transitioning out of being needed so much when they were younger and then being needed less and less. I discovered my intense feelings were really about ME and not about them. You need to trust that all you have instilled in them will be born out as they face their journey in life. The will grow stronger thru whatever success or adversity they go through. It is their journey and your job now is to build a good, rich, satisfying life for yourself. Let go, relax, and trust. Let them know you belief in them, you support them with your positive thoughts, prayers and love. We gave them wings to fly, now we need to let go and let them do just that. I have come to really respect my parents because I left home and travelled and lived all over the world and they did nothing but smile and welcome me back home with open arms every time. They have kept their advice to themselves until asked. so K., find a hobby you truly enjoy, join some groups, whether that be quilting, knitting, yoga, hiking, painting, whatever you have always wanted to do. Your girls will find you interesting and fun to be around - they will be ok -- just believe -- whatever comes your way and theirs - you all will work at it together -- Best wishes --S.

As a mother of a 30, 31 year old, both single mothers, it is hard not to worry about them..but there is a very fine line between: worry and obsession, helping and handicapping.

I learned to check in once a week, instead of daily, what I don't know doesn't cause me to worry. If they need something they will call before the week is up. Listen as much as possible, talk as little as possible, we've raised them well, they know the answers.

For me...2 years ago I decided it was time to move forward from being a "Mom" and do something just for me and totally OUT OF CHARACTER, and somewhat terrifying at first. I took a motorcycle class, got my license, and bought my own Harley, something I NEVER dreamed I'd be able to do. I joined a local Harley Owners Group, I met other women who ride, now my calendar is full of events.

Search your soul, find something that takes you outside of your comfort zone. Learning new things, whatever they may be, will take you in a new direction.

Amaze your daughters, show them that their Mom is a multi-dimensional person.

I have four over the age of 18. They like to include me in their lives, and occasionally ask for advice, but I have learned that you can not tell them what to do, only suggest. Then, only if they ask.

When they were still quite young and not married, I would sometimes take them aside and tell them my concerns about something - make sure they knew why I was concerned - and then leave them to make their own decision. This situation came up several times. I have a son married to a girl 9 years younger and she was only 18 at the time they wed. I have a son married to a woman 8 years older. I have one daughter that had a child out of wedlock but later married the father. It's times like these when you feel obligated as a loving parent to speak up ONCE and then let it go.

Once children reach adulthood we have to trust that our time "bringing them up" made a good impact and that they will lead healthy, happy and productive lives. Also, it is wonderful to see that happen and to know that they don't need to have us constantly mothering them; it's wonderful to not have that obligation anymore. I have found that by letting them be on their own we now have friendly relationships and we are all happier for that. For a while having them leave home left a vacancy in my life, but I have also found many ways to enjoy life as an adult without kids to worry about.

Yes, you sound a bit obsessed. Have fun letting go!

Worry is wasted energy, and as someone once said, "a gross misuse of the imagination." Instead of worrying about anyone, have you tried visualizing POSITIVELY instead? For example: whenever you catch yourself "worrying", stop yourself and replace the worrisome thought with something POSITIVE, like imagining your daughter's safety, happiness, etc. It takes practice and self awareness, and it IS possible to change your thoughts--I did! If you have trouble, then consider taking a class on self hypnosis, meditation, etc. Do you "have a life"? If you become engaged in purposeful, joyful activities of your own, separate from your family or with a partner (not with the daughters), then this is a wonderful and healthy way to keep your focus in the right place. If you worry about all these daughters, then imagine what you might do with all the grandkids! Get it figured out NOW, so you can have a rich, interesting life and be able to share adventuresome stories with your grandchildren. Good luck! jenifer

I love my mother, and know that she feels the same way about me, but there are times that she just gets into my business too much. It is sad to say, but those are the times where I have to cut her off for a while until she respects my space a little more. You now need to find something for you. Your children have been your life for almost thirty years, and now you should make K. the center of your life. Find a group that you have things in common with. Take up a new hobby. My mother is now involved with two quilt guilds, and takes a class once a week. This not only gives her new things, but she has a sense of pride when she learns something new and can use it. Take some time for you and then maybe you and your daughters will have a new "friend" relaitionship and not feel like you are obssessed.

First, we'd need some "for example" situations. Then we could tell you if you were worrying a bit too much. It sounds to me like you already doubt yourself when it comes to this issue. Think of it this way, "If I were 27, and this were my mother, would I be angry with her for obsessing?" You'll know your answer in your heart.

If you and you're daughters agree to what is an appropriate level of concern, then everyone else around you can stuff it. If your daughters have asked you to butt out, and you don't, then you have some self-evaluation to do. We often obsess about our children because we know the mistakes we made when we were their age. You can't be there for EVERY minute of EVERY day! They will make mistakes of their own. Unfortunately, it's how we learn.

Talk to all of your girls, either together or one on one. You know them best, so you'll know what's right for all of you. If it turns out that they feel that you aren't obsessing, then these critics of yours need to butt out.