Child with a Difficult Personality

Probably nothing. People are born with set dispositions. Some lean towards the negative, others towards the positive. While environment matters, the disposition is there, and all you can do is teach her how to handle it. Some people have a harder time with frustration. It just is what it is. With that said, a misbehaving child is a child in need. Check out dr. Laura markham and ah ya parenting. The book easy to love, hard to discipline is also really good. It isn't about rewarding good behavior, it's about her feeling unconditionally loved, and then behaving because she loves.

I recently got a book called, what to do when your tempers flare. I also recommend "have you filled a bucket lately." There is this book called "freeing your child from negative thinking" that might be useful too, but check out dr markham and the easy to love book.

In my house, if you're in a bad mood, you have to do something to change it. If you can't change it immediately, then you go off and read and play by yourself until you have the energy to be kind and friendly. People know they can't take their frustration out on the world, they need a better plan to deal with it..and we all start with 5 big breathes.

We also started gratitudes at dinner. This really helped my grumpy 6 year old. When we started, she'd say she'd be grateful for not being grateful. Over a year later-she's 7 now- she always wants to go first. We also do highs and lows of the day...and we acknowledge if anyone did anything nice for us or for someone else they want to acknowledge. I really like doing this stuff with my kids. It has really helped my difficult oldest start being more content and positive.

Instead of telling her what's tolerated, and what's not, discuss what you all value. My kids and I agrees that we value kind words, kind voices, and kind hands. These are principles we agreed to live by because they create a happy peaceful home. And almost every day we ask ourselves if we behaved according to these principles. I let them ask themselves. There is no consequence, just the knowledge that you did something you'd rather not do. I do it with them to, and il acknowledge when I said something mean or used a not so nice tone.

She wants to be happy. Make this about her choice about how she wants to live. Does she want to be grumpy, or joyful? Then figure out how to help her change her approach towards the world. And start by stopping with discipline. She needs loving guidance, and good role models.

When you say, "What did I do wrong?" It sounds like her developmental years are behind her already :) Not so! I know what you mean though. My daughter, my third child and youngest, is a super fiery one too. She had the angriest tantrums starting a year before her sibs did. She was the hardest to break them of. She's super emotional and intense. She cries at sad melodies. She cries at sad stories. She gets VERY angry very easily. She's my tortured little artist. Very gifted with drawing and stuff already at age 5. Her temper flares come in cycles. I'll think "Phew, she's finally past that" and bam, another rough phase will set in. Like yours though, she's my most charming and sweet too at the opposite end of spectrum. Very sensitive. Excellent in school. Her teacher always comments "She really wants to do the right thing. She gets upset if other kids are acting up." She cried when she felt guilty that my birthday morning was too rushed. Even though I said, "Honey, it's fine, you gave me a great birthday morning! (hugs and drawings and said it to me right away with big hug) We're rushing to school and stuff, but thank you for caring so much.." but she was really upset because she remembered how happy I was the year before when the kids gave me a nice "surprise party" on a weekend bday..she's extremely sympathetic and intense in every way.

SO ANYWAY. It's harder to keep her mellow than my other two. She can get really mean to her siblings. But. Too bad. Some types of behavior are NOT allowed (cruelty to siblings for instance) and so even if some kids take more discipline than others, that's what it takes!! While my intense one's behavior is harder to curb-she's also more sensitive to being disciplined, though, so when I get really serious and consistent or upset, she reacts quickly because I was very consistent in the past. Yours may be less easy to get through to, but stay strong and don't give up.

It's good to stay calm instead of yelling as long as you have swift follow through to clear consequences when her behavior is bad.

Personally I don't reward acceptable behavior. But whatever your daughter hates MOST, you MUST DO every single time she acts up immediately. It it will not be tolerated by you then that has to be true!!! She must fear the consequences enough to heed your warning and stop acting that way on her own. Stay positive and loving the rest of the time so there is a stark difference in her reality depending on her behavior. She says something super snidely to you? Boom instant consequence that you had prepared in advance so you're not caught off guard. Do this until she learns to restrain herself. Simply voicing your displeasure, getting mad, or saying something will happen to her "next time" never works with intense kids as you know. If only it was that simple!! Hang in there!!

You didn't do anything wrong. This is a kid with anxiety. Anxiety doesn't have to be in reaction to anything or because of being spoiled or because you've done something wrong. The fact that she holds it together at school and lets it all out at home is part of anxiety. The fact that punitive measures make it worse is part of anxiety. It's not an excuse for the behavior, it's the cause of the behavior. And the sensitivity to things like shoes being tied unevenly is also part of hypersensitivity, which is part of anxiety and giftedness. Is your child identified as gifted? This is such typical behavior for GT kids.

Instead of punishing the symptoms, meet with your pediatrician to see about finding solutions for the causes. I wish someone had helped me identify these behaviors years ago - we've struggled with my 13 year old her whole life. Now in retrospect, I understand that anxiety is hardwired into her and part of a chemical imbalance. But because she is my first, it wasn't until my second (who sounds like your eldest) that I realized I AM capable of raising a kid without these issues. These issues are part of who she is.

Could the frustration be building up all day at school and then when she gets home she let's it all out?

Nothing more frustrating when someone asks you what is wrong and you cannot find the words to explain, ya know? Poor kiddo.

Maybe ask her to draw you a picture of what SHE feels like when she is frustrated. Let her take as much time with it, and when she is ready let her explain it to you. You maybe be able to 'hear' what she is battling.

Then have her draw a picture of not being frustrated or things she would need to not be frustrated. Be patient and let her take her time, and just listen. Maybe you will get a better idea of what she needs.

I would address the rude/inappropriate behavior, but after she is calm be empathetic and walk her back emotionally y to what set her off (be kind) but then help her explore all options and consequences she could've taken.

Hope it gets better :-)

One of my kids has a personality just like this. He also is well behaved at school and let's it all out at home. The moods, the drama, the anger, the intensity, and the attitude are something we have to dealing with regularly. It's hard. My husband and I are both laid back, positive people. Our daughter (the youngest) is much like me. Our son however was born with a huge roller-coaster of emotions and very strong feelings. He was a very hard baby and he continues to be hard at age 11. I try to never reward his anger/moods/temper. I will send him to his room if he is feeling mean/argumentative/angry. I believe it is just his personality and he has to learn how to deal with this and not take out his bad mood on those around him. We sent him to a child psychiatrist all last year (4th grade) and it helped a LOT. She really worked hard on getting him to take responsibility for his own behavior and to not take out his moods on his family. I would have sessions with her as well and it also helped me to not take things personally and to let go more with him. Honestly, I think we have been very consistent with him since early on yet he does not change much. Hence, he is often sent to his room or having to deal with the consequences of his actions. Everything in life is harder for him. What really bothers me is how much it affects his sister and the family as a whole. But this is the child we have been given and we have to work with him daily to try to help him be the best person he can be. I never knew parenthood would be this tough! I do see him improving and maturing a little each year...but it's a very slow steady process. I have to say, I am worried about the teen years!

Hmmm... couple of things come to mind (been there)..

how is she dealing with the nastiness at school? Could you model her appropriate ways to deal with it? Sometimes stress causes kids to act out (a lot of times) and if it's gotten worse lately, that could be the route of it.

if she's not doing anything when this happens ... she could be bottling it up and bringing it home and taking it out on her siblings (who she knows won't really do anything back).

But if she's cranky the minute she wakes up and gets upset at you over her shoelaces .. part of it could just be her personality. What's your husband like? Is he testy at times? I find usually kids get it from somewhere (genetics).

I have one who can get nasty, and away they go until they act in such a way as we will welcome them back in to have fun with us. At supper. Any time.

I stopped punishing because it never did any good. I do find that most times it relates to some stress in their lives. I know for adults when we start losing it that's the reason a lot of the time. I don't think they are that different.

Good luck :)

I do think we sometimes have to parent a little differently in terms of style with kids of different personalities, but it honestly sounds like your daughter is getting a payoff for her behavior. She gets special days with just you, you're working hard to have a pleasant manner in the morning to avoid setting her off, you're walking on eggshells. So she's in control of the household. In fact, when she is mean, she can even push you far enough that you do the same thing, which is to yell at her. I know you do it rarely, but she does learn that sometimes lashing out is okay.

I imagine she's holding in her moods and aggravation at school, and maybe she's just letting loose at home. At school there would be consequences for attitude, but at home, she gets more attention (even negative attention). On what are you basing your assessment of the other child at school, saying that she is "always causing strife" and "saying mean things constantly"? Has the teacher told you that this is a habitual problem and that the other girl is the instigator? Or is it possible that your daughter is a) telling you this to get attention/sympathy or b) actually contributing to the problem either in part or even more so than the other child? The reason I ask is that it seems to me that it would be highly unlikely that a teacher would be allowed to share that degree of info with you about another child. So it's more likely that your daughter is embellishing this, either because she feels victimized or because she gets attention from you. These things can be a big influence on a child who gets a benefit from being the perceived victim.

So I think it's essential that she learn how to express her frustration appropriately, well before she's entirely ticked off to the point of losing control. And I think you need to help her with that. She needs to learn to satisfy her own needs more instead of lashing out at her siblings and at you.

And if she cannot do that, she either goes to her room, isolating herself until she can get control and find a more pleasant demeanor, or she needs to see a children's therapist to develop skills at expressing herself and finding some degree of contentment.

Either way, stop walking on eggshells and putting her in charge. She's not learning anything in the current situation, and she's going to continue to be more alone because she just annoys the hell out of everyone. She needs social skills, and that includes not seeing all her school friends or her siblings as being at fault.

Sometimes as parents, we try to take a short cut (like tying her shoes for her) just to help the child avoid frustration. But then they never learn to satisfy themselves and feel competent. So just allow extra time, or have her get in the car barefoot. I promise you, she will figure out her own shoes. The same thing goes for whatever else at home ticks her off - she can go to her room where none of you has to listen to her until such time as she feels ready to rejoin the family. She's not the one who should get special treats to avoid her bad moods. The empathetic and respectful kids should get more.

You may want to read up on the Highly Sensitive child or a program like http://www.emotionalabcs.com/ even if she is great in school. Sounds like she unloads when she's home but is able to act appropriately when she needs to. You say that if she has something in mind but it doesn't happen she struggles with the disappointment. Have you tried teaching her a growth mind set vs fixed mind set? "You didn't get to x today, but how can you do x tomorrow?" Brainstorm ideas to get there, even if it doesn't magically fall in her lap.

I also think that a child psychiatrist is worth checking out, as it may be that some short-term help will get her in the right direction.

Don't think of it is "what I did wrong". Think of it as "this child is more high strung, that one is good at math, and that one is terrible with timekeeping." They are all different kids and it's not right/wrong that their personalities are different.

If she snottily says, "This shoe is tighter than the other" but you are late, simply say, "You can fix it in the car. We are late. Let's go." I would try not to walk on eggshells. If she is in a bad mood, she is entitled to be in a bad mood, but not make everyone else miserable. She may go to her room. I've removed my child from the table when something was not to her liking and she stayed in her room til she was ready to eat like a sensible person. There have also been times when I warned DD her attitude needed to go and when it didn't, I walked away til she was ready to apologize. You do not need to be hostage to her moods.

What an awesome personality trait she has! (I am not being sarcastic!) Your little girl has a fire in her belly. That is something that is going be such an asset to her in life. She is going to be a go-getter. She is going to have a "never quit" attitude. This is a good thing. She is going to have "grit," and I know more than a few college students (I teach at a university) who could use some of that!

We all have personality traits that also have a down side (or shadow side). Your daughter loves passionately. She feels emotions very deeply, which means she also feels pain very deeply.

This is who she is, and you can't change that.

What you can do is help her learn how to choose her words better and help her take deep breath (or use other coping mechanisms) to try and not react so quickly.

All of the examples you gave are of her behavior first thing in the morning. Is she better at other times of the day? Is she not a morning person? Our son (almost 9) is definitely not a morning person. (He also gets very mean.) He will tell us he doesn't want to get up to do his most favorite activities, so my husband told him he had "morning brain." One afternoon when he was in a good mood, my husband explained to him that "morning brain" is what happens when you let that "not a morning person" feeling keep you from getting up to do all the things you love to do. Most mornings if he starts getting angry, we just look at him and say, "morning brain," and he smiles and tries to do better. Not always! But little by little he's doing much better.

She's not her brother or sister. She is who she is, and she needs you to help her learn how better to deal with her personality. If her older siblings are more mellow, are there times you find yourself struggling to motivate them or times when they don't get as excited as you wish they would? I'm sure there's a shadow side to their personalities where you've had to apply some creativity in order to help them cope.

I have your daughter's personality. It's hard to describe just how deeply those emotions can effect you. I've often been jealous of people who simply do not get as upset about things as I do. I've spent many years training myself not to react. It's totally worth it, because looking back, I wouldn't want to be labeled the "cry baby" or the "difficult one." But the emotions are very real. But I think most people will tell you that I don't give up easily, and that has been a true asset!

Is there anyone else in the family who is often grumpy or moody? And that's some sort of role model?

Have you told her that her constant negativity, and whiny words are changing the way her siblings want to play with her, spend time with her, bond with her? Does she get the connection between her own irritable input and them backing away from her?

If the teacher's report that she is really a strong student and tries hard, she might be cranky at home from wanting to do well outside the home. My youngest daughter is similar, in that she trains really hard in her sport and studies really hard at school and comes home in need of an instant nap and snack.

I totally understand how this dynamic sucks away more time trying to manage her moods, but I would suggest you tell her to 'snap out of it' when it's affecting others and she can remove herself from the environment for some time out.

I'm a super tactile person, and honestly, if the morning was rushed and my shoes weren't evenly tight, it would totally bug me, as a child and even now as an adult....like, I can't stand wearing mis-matched socks, to this day. But my kids will wear different socks. I wouldn't leave the house unless they were exactly the same. But I also know that's my issue. And you as the mom just have to keep reminding her how to phrase things in a positive way, as it doesn't seem to come naturally for her.

GL!

Pretty sure it's her personality. Don't blame yourself. Good advice on how to deal below.

You didn't do anything wrong. We are all just built differently. We can't all have the same exact temperament, ya know?

I have a child who is a handful, not in the same way as yours but similar. Mines a boy & boy is he particular!! I have heard the tone over shoes being uneven in tightness, & many, many, many other things. He's a control freak w/anxiety, if I had to guess. He's also wicked smart & awesome at everything he does. His attitude can (if allowed to) dictate the tone for all of us in the family, but I usually shut down the negativity as soon as I can. It can be challenging, that's for sure, so know that you are not alone.

All we can do is remind them to be mindful of others feelings as well.
And as she ages, this should smooth out, some :)

~ I love my challenging child! I smile to myself often, while thinking to myself: "Look out world & your welcome"!

Get her checked out for sensory issues. The shoe issue, the outburst issue, etc., are potential indicators. Kiddos who have sensory issues process input differently. Their difficulty in dealing with sensory input can result in emotional outbursts. This is a brain/neurological issue. My daughter has this and can hold it together at school but lets it all out at home.

Good luck! I have a similar kiddo (who is also very spirited). It definitely makes parenting even more of a challenge.

For a while when my oldest was 7 or so, I thought she had oppositional defiance disorder or ADHD, because she had such extreme reactions to things, but it didn't really fit, since it was only at home. Then I realized she was suffering from anxiety. It was causing all kinds of mood swings and irritability at home. She would hold it all together and then unleash her emotions in the place where she felt safe. She also had a pattern of having tantrums before special occasions when stress and time were causing pressure and/or she had to perform in the event. After we realized all of this, things got so much easier and she was aware of the cause. It didn't stop the behavior immediately, but it allowed all of us to understand and help her through it. She has even said to me that she was so angry, because she felt so anxious most of the time. We taught her coping skills and she's working through behavior therapy to try to ease the anxiety and learn how to handle it. It runs in the family, so I should have known a long time ago, but I didn't realize anxiety would cause that kind of behavior in kids. Not sure if this is the case for you, but wanted to share.