Child Wants to Call Boyfriend "Dad"

I have always been of the mindset that if the child wants to call the stepdad "dad" (completely unprovoked by the mom or stepdad) and the stepdad is ok with it, it is fine. I realize that from a legal standpoint he's not a "stepdad" but he is kind of filling that role. What about a compromise like "Daddy Don" or whatever his name is.

You say you are ok with him taking on the role but not the title- does not the "dad" earn this title with care and time put in?? does he only earn this privilege only with a marriage certificate?

I am in similar shoes to you but of a different opinion.

wow! 7 years of dating the same man, he wants to be more involved with your daughter, and your daughter likes(loves) him enough to say she wants you guys to get married because she wants him to be her dad........and you are still not sure? I think if you are not sure after 7 years you may want to re-think the relationship?? 7 years is a long time.

In short, you cannot have a relationship with a man for 7 years and NOT expect your child to NOT think he is daddy. Second, if after 7 years, you are not sure..... Time to move on.
I don't get it I guess. My husband was involved in my 1st daughter's life since she was 5 months old. We got engaged when she was 2 1/2 and that's when she started calling him Daddy. It was a very natural progression.

Well... what does your boyfriend say about it?

When I was dating my now husband, before we lived together, my daughters wanted to call him dad... they talked to HIM about it, not me... he came to me and brought it up. I just kind of shrugged and said 'that's between you guys, but if you're not comfortable with it, let them know'... he took the girls out to dinner (without me, LOL) and that was it... he was 'dad' :)

Wow...I am confused, so I'm sure your DD is! 7 years together, no overnights and one day a week together - that's the definition of friends. Maybe she can have a nickname for him, as he seems to be more important to her than he is to you, but not dad.

You need to figure things out. Sending you much love in working on this for all of you involved.

I'm confused.....your comment: "I am okay with letting him take on the role, but not the title". WOW! How can you say that?

How can it be okay for him to do all of the work & not receive the honor of the title? If the bio dad is not in the pic....AND even if he were.....the man who helps with the parenting deserves the title! If you are not planning on marrying him anytime soon, then why would you even consider letting him increase his involvement in your DD's life? You're together one day a week - how does that even make him a parent?

NONE of this makes sense.....so I'm going back to a really obnoxious phrase my Dad used to say: either get off the pot or sh*t! Truly, truly this whole scenario is just "off". You've been dating 7 years...either you trust the man or you don't! Either you love the man or you don't. You don't get married because your DD wants you to. You don't let her call him "dad" simply because she wants a dad.

Please do not put yourself in a position where your DD is calling the shots. It is totally & completely up to you as to whether or not to move this relationship to the next level. Time to make up your mind....either you're marrying the man or you're not! That's the 1st step in parenthood....not just allowing a "name change" for the boyfriend. Peace.

I agree with you. I would be careful of the use of dad...even if you were to marry him.

I'm all for taking your time. I think that if more people waited and thought about it, there would be less divorces. That being said: Explain to your daughter that you want marriage to be forever and that sometimes, to make that all-important leap takes a great deal of time. Now is the time to teach her that it is perfectly okay to "wait" until you are ready. That being said, of course it is natural for her to want a dad. But she doesn't have one. You could explain that he cares for her and that someday, maybe she can call him dad, but for now, he is not her dad. He is not her dad, until he adopts her, to my understanding. He could technically do that--if he, you and she are comfortable with that decision. And often, when you think about it, two people are not married. So, maybe with your unconventional relationship with your beau, that is something you could discuss.

Otherwise, patience is a virtue. When it is right, it is right and you will know it. Until then, don't make that leap. And in my view, it is not okay for your child to call him dad, when he is not and there is only one way he will be her dad, whether you are married or not: He has to adopt her. All little children want that "typical" famly but when they grow up, they will know that the most important thing was that they were loved.

Wow I was thinking the same as Lynn L.. 7 years in a child's life is a VERY long time.

If you are honestly never going to marry him or at least not marry him in the next 2 years. This is the time to admit it to all of you., you are not going to marry him and tell your daughter the truth.

He is an important man in her life and so you will need to explain that he is not her dad and is never going to be her dad, but she is so lucky to have him in her life. That he cares about her and is a very good friend of the family.

Just because your daughter wants a dad is not the reason to get married. Your daughter will only live at home until she leaves for college and then you will be married for the rest of your life.

then you get to be with your spouse for the rest of your lives. If there is not honest love, it will not last.

Doing what your daughter wants, is too much of a responsibility for a child in case it does not work out. To know SHE wanted this and you did it for her and then it fails because you do not feel the same of him, would be way worse then her never having a "dad" in her life. There are all sorts of families and lots of them are moms with children.

Be honest for all of your sakes.

Do you not want to marry him, or do you not want to get married? If you don't want to marry him, why are you dating him? It's not fair to him, your daughter, or you. If you don't want to get married, that's another story. I really don't understand the relationship. Are you dating or does he live with you? If he is living with you, you've emotionally set him and your daughter up for disappointment if he's been living with you for a long time. This is just tough all around. You really need to look at the relationship you have and decide what is healthiest for everyone, especially your daughter. You are the model of healthy relationships for her. Be honest with yourself and figure this out for everyone's sake.

J.,
I think you're being very wise, respectful and a good role model for your daughter. At this age, I would really just focus on the differences in families. Some families have a mom and a dad, some have a mom and a grandmother, etc.
I think the bigger issue (which is why you *know* it's not right for her to call him "dad", thus your question) is multi-faceted:
1. He is not her dad. She knows that.
2. She cannot force a situation to adapt to what she wants in this moment, so her life is wrapped neatly with a bow.
3. You and your boyfriend are not engaged, so although it's been a long term relationship, it seems marriage is not right over the horizon.
She got a raw deal in the dad department. Let her know you understand that. That doesn't mean that this guy can't be a great role model and very positive male figure in her life.
I would just keep being open and honest with her. I think you're doing the right thing. Just calling someone "dad" doesn't make it so.

Good luck!

The answer lays in the fact that you're not comfortable with it. That may change in the future, but that's not how it stands now. He's not acting in the capacity of a father right now. He's "her mother's boyfriend" rather than a father figure.

She's at an age where it's important to be able to talk with her friends and say "Yeah, my Dad said...." "Cool! My Dad took me to ___ too!" It's becoming noticeable that her friends have dads around and hers is absent, and it's possible that the conversation has come up with her friends.

I would find out why it's important to your daughter, and then gently explain to her why it's not appropriate right now.

Whatever your choice is, you have to explain it to your daughter and stick to it.
Tell her you don't want to get married, neither does he, and he's not her dad.

Ask her why she wants a dad. Empathize, listen, make her feel heard. Apologize that you and your boyfriend are not at that place. Let her see that you are sorry for her feelings and you understand so she doesn't feel powerless.

She's in a hard place. I feel for her. She obviously likes your boyfriend a lot, and wants dad. Who can blame her after 7 years. But what you say goes. If you cant' accomplish your goals if you marry him, and you and he can only do that "before" you get married, then you may never marry him, so she needs to be prepared for that too. You would want to model a relationship in which everyone can accomplish their goals and support each other when that time comes. You don't want her depending on someone you don't depend on. You are right to keep him at bay from her if you are keeping him at bay from you. Don't cave on that. She doesn't realize how precarious this all is, and she's looking for security.

Your dad is the guy who raises you. Let her call him dad if he's okay with it.

I don't feel like it her choice. Your daughter is at least 7 years old, or older, and can chose to call anyone whatever her and THEY feel okay with by now. Although it isn't your fault she hasn't seen the biological father, it isn't her fault either. So why deny her a feeling she is clearly expressing. If this person is around enough that she initiated feeling that he fills this place in her life, then it is between her and said boyfriend.
Think of it as similar to how other cultures have "uncles" and "aunts" that aren't blood relatives. Why would any of us 'cheat' ourselves out a bigger support network.
And besides, "Dad" is one of the hardest titles a person could earn in their lifetime, so she surely has justified her reasoning. Your overruling her, could send the wrong message about your trust in her judgment and cause her to question herself. Any way you look at it, it seems you are going to cause some emotional damage by limiting her feelings and wishes.

It's natural for your daughter to want a Dad. But your boyfriend is not her Dad in any sense of the word. Calling him Dad will not in the end make her happy. She wants someone who is in her life much of the time, who does Dad things with her, who is more than a friend. Therefore, if you don't want to get married, he can't be her Dad. I think that is what you're saying.

Definitely do not get married so your daughter can have a Dad. Is that what you're asking? If you should? If so, do not! A marriage has to be based on a great number of things and it sounds like you've found that those things aren't present.

He isn't with her enough to take on the role of Dad. He could show up for school events that include fathers and call him Dad for that event. But it's important for her to know the reality of the situation. He's not in the role of Dad.

I say this even tho my adopted daughter accepted my so as Dad. She didn't know her father and my friend took on the role of Dad. Although he didn't live with us nor did he stay overnight, he was with us several evenings and frequently on week ends. He co-parented with me. He felt like and acted like a father. I doubt that I would've been a successful parent without his help.

If you want him to take on the role of Dad then he must be co-parenting with you. To be called Dad he's involved in making decisions. She would be able to ask for his permission and be able to rely on him to be there for her when she needed him. Only then would I let my child call my so Dad.

I take exception to the idea that he would have to adopt her before he could be her Dad. Adoption is a legal formality that can have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. Millions of children call their step-fathers and mom's boyfriends Dad.

Whether or not she calls him Dad is your decision but you need to be sure that you're not confusing her even more if you do that.