I'm a mentor to a 12 year old little girl through the Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS) program. We've been together for about 1.5 years. She's a great kid, very thoughtful, courteous, smart, and fun too. The problem is that I'm concerned about her health in regards to her weight and I'm not sure how to approach it. She's about 5'5" and weighs about 150lbs. In the past year and a half I've regularly talked to her about the importance of eating healthy foods. When we get together I make sure whatever we eat contains some salad and/or vegetable, and minimal amounts of white carbs and sweets. She tells me that her last Big Sister also used to talk to her about healthy eating. I'm wondering if the problem is with her home routine. She lives with her mother, twin sister (ever heavier), and her brother (normal weight). Her mother is also normal weight. Since her mother is a single mother and not receiving child support, she works 3 jobs, and has the two girls in every after school activity you can think of. Only one of them is a physical activity: swimming, 2 days a week for a few hours each time. The often don't get home at night until 8pm or 9pm and then have a quick dinner. They eat lot's of white rice (their mother is Japanese). I get together with her once a week for 1-4 hours. I suppose I could use my time with her to do a physical activity, but since her mother has her running around to all these after school and weekend activities, all she wants to do when we get together is hang out at my house. We only do that about once a month, and we either cook something, or work on an art project, or garden, something low key. Then I'll let her have 30 minutes on the computer or the tv. The other 3 times a month we usually do some kind of walking activity: go to a park, museum, the beach, or go shopping, or we take my friends dog for a walk.
So my question is: do I talk with her mother, or what should I do. I'm also going to ask this question of the BBBS people. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
WOW, thank you all for such amazing advice. The consensus is to show my Little Sister love and support, tell her how smart and beautiful she is, and to guide by example. She really is a smart girl with a positive attitude, and is willing to try new things. I'm sure she'll be fine. Again, thank you all so much! D.
If her weight is 150 and she is 5'5 inches tall she is very close to being within a healthy BMI. 145 is the top weight that is ideal for 5'5.
If her family struggles she is most likely not eating healthy at home. It is more expensive to but fresh fruits and vegetab les and less expensive to cook pasta and rice dishes. School lunches are not very healthy either. I would try to stress to her the importance of exercise and try to get the family involved if possible for those walks in the park.
Your concern is admirable and it's fantastic that you're mentoring this young woman. HOWEVER.
I think you should just do the things you two find fun and interesting and not worry about her weight. Love her for WHO she is and not the package she might come in and you'll go MUCH further in establishing a healthy self image than if you constantly pester her about the foods she eats and what her body "looks" like and what mold it's not fitting into.
Keep setting a good example by staying busy and eating healthy when you're with her, but leave it at that. She's 12 and may still have some growing to do. And as long as she's active, a few extra pounds isn't going to be a big deal. I think her mother and her doctor are better judges of what kind of condition she's in.
Hi D.!
It's warm and wonderful people like you that make a difference in our beautiful world. This girl is so lucky to have you care for her so much :o)
As much as you worry about her, I'm not sure it's "up to you" to worry about her weight, and call in "the guards".
Her family life is one thing.....and your life with her is another wonderful thing....but it is seperate. You should be the "fun person to get away with", and NOT another motherly type.
Now, every girl in my life had a little "chunky phase" growning up, including myself. This phase began around 12 years old, and some before and later around 8th grade. Either way, it is normal to go through a weight/chunkiness phase around her age.
YES, maybe it is her homelife routine, that is not helping her weight, but you don't want to bruise any trust and securities with the mother. In my opinion,it's not for you to say anything about this issue.
Just keep adoring the little girl, and keeping things "perfect" just the way they are. Her memories of you will always be positve if you keep it that way.
~N. :o)
For 5ft 5in she isn't considered obese. She may weigh more than the average 12 year old, but her height to weight ratio is actually not that bad. Is there something that she likes to do, that she normally doesn't get to do because she is constantly moved from place to place during the week? It may be fun to go rollerblading or something similar vs. something strenuous like running. Just a thought. She is only 12, she has the rest of her life to diet.
How about when you're at your house instead of going onto the computer or watching tv, have her tell you what kind of music she likes and teach you the new popular dance moves. If she says she doesn't know how, ask her the kinds and find some videos or one of the video games (I think dance dance revolution is the name of one) that requires dancing. I think blockbuster rents the games.
Definitely talk to the BBBS people before approaching the mom. You might want to read "Child of Mine" by Ellyn (sp?) Satter. It is a fabulous book about helping kids develop a healthy relationship with food. The author has several books, and a different one might be more appropriate for a tween, but the author is highly regarded by many pediatricians and nutritionists. Perhaps after you read it, BBBS will allow you to give the book to the girl's mom, along with some general info about healthy diet and exercise. Unfortunately, just talking to your little sister about healthy habits won't work. White rice won't make her overweight. Too much white rice -- even too many veggies -- will. Maybe you can help her work on eating slowly and really paying attention to when her body says it's full. Then she needs to learn to stop eating when her body says it is full and before it says it is stuffed. She can do that no matter what she is being fed, and there don't have to be off limits foods -- everything in moderation.
At 12 years old, I was 5'4" and weighed 135 pounds - I wore a c cup bra, size 10 jeans, and looked very much like a woman in body. THis little girl sounds much the same - obesity is based on height and weight ratio and the "correct" BMI - take her age out of the mix, and 5'5" and 150lbs is a fairly healthy and appropriate size for her body. In the next few years, much of her extra weight will re-distribute itself to give her a feminine shape, so as long as they aren't eating fast food for every meal and she is getting some physical activity at school and through after school activities, I would leave the situation alone. It is normal for a 12 year old girl to have some extra weight on her, as she is at the HEIGHT of puberty right now - drawing attention to it by talking to her mother about it will only make her feel uncomfortable and self conscious. Medically, her BMI is healthy, so I don't really see any need for you to discuss anything with anyone beyond instilling what healthy eating habits you can into your time with your little sister.
Just be there for her as a big sister and take it easy on the healthy eating. Her mother is just trying to get by and doing the best that she can do. I am sure that she is aware of what she needs to work at, just like the rest of us moms, but being a single mom and working 3 jobs has got to be extremely hard. I think that you have already shared with her the importance of healthy eating habits and you do a good job at setting a good example of this. Maybe you could take it easy now, since you have already gotten this point across to her. Too much of this could really do the reverse of what you are trying to do. There are girls as young as the third grade that are starting to have eating disorders, because of the emphasis that we as a society put on weight. Do not contribute to this. What this girl needs the most is what you are giving her, not another mother. And I would not mention anything to her mother, I am sure she is aware if there are any problems. She certainly does not need someone else putting additional pressure on her, I am sure she is trying to do her best.
It's great that you are mentoring this girl. I wouldn't say anything about weight to her. If she does have a weight problem, she knows it and (unless she brings it up and asks for advice) it won't help to have it pointed out to her. The best thing you can do is what you are already doing: model good behaviors and eating habits. I'm pretty sure that 150 pounds at 5'5" would not be considered obese and may even be in normal range though.
L.
I think I would talk to the mom because if she's not getting dinner until 8 or 9 at night, she's probably doing a lot of munching in the afternoons. then, she eats dinner and goes straight off to bed, so the calories just turn to fat - no exercise to burn them off. You could also talk to the girl about not only what she eats, but how she eats. You could advise her to drink a large glass of water before she eats - that helps take up room in your stomach so you don't eat as much. Also, as I'm trying to convince my overweight daughter, you need to learn to push yourself away from the table when you're satisfied - not stuffed. Eating until you feel full stretches your stomach out and it takes more to fill it the next time. So, if I were you I would speak with the mom about the dinner habit although there's probably not much she can do about that, but also talk to your gal about how much to eat, drinking water before eating and doing a lot more walking. Walking and swimming are the best exercises and the most fun!
Hi D.,
This is a huge problem globally today.I represent the largest wellness company in the world and this is one of our concerns with our children. There were 13 different doctors that put a child's wellness expo together in August and it was incredible. It was the first time having an event like this in the states. They have these events in Europe and now addressing the problem here.
In most cases parents do not know what to do. The chid may be a picky eater, maybe they have problems falling a sleep and do not drink enough clean water.
I would ask the mother if she is concerned about the health of her children since the media is talking about so many health challenges that children are developing today. Especially Diabetes2 from being over weight and not getting enough exercise or the right food and sleep.
Check out my web site. I am a wellness consultant and do free consulting to find out what is going on so I can help put a program together to make things easier.
There is also a business opportunity so the mom can spend more time at home with the children and share what she learns with other parents and children.
Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
Have a great Thanksgiving.
The main thing you need to worry about is crating a girl who is so tied into what you think she should weigh that she becomes anorexic. Focus on physical activity for the fun of the activity. Any real change is going to come from her and how she motivates herself. She is just a 12 year old child and will want to have fun. Fun can be physical without ever feeling like work or be boring. Be her example without lecturing her about food. She will want to please you and be like you. When you grab an apple she will too. Rice is part of the culture. I lived in Japan for several years and didn't see too many over weight Japaneese people. I did see a lot of rice.
First of all, thank you for offering your time to contribute to a young life and for giving the most powerful and transforming force for change (for the good) out to the world, namely, love and frienship.
My amatuer advice comes from a background of misusing food myself when I was an adolescent. I, too, came from a broken home and tried to submerge and suppress my real and chaotic emotions in food because they were just too painful to cope with. You said that this is a smart 12 year old girl, and I agree that education and sharing information on nutrition is a key to her lifelong endeavor toward a healthy life, as is regular physical activity. I suggest spending some of your time together experimenting with cooking using whole grains and vegetables. Healthy food can be fun--it would benefit both of you to explore that together. If you get her mom 'on board' with this idea, you could even shop for some of the items for the family (not sure if you drive). Another thing you could try would be to assist her in finding a sport that she loves. Exploring options with her will help her learn about her likes and dislikes as well as give her an outlet to channel her emotions in a healthy, positive way. Building a good relationship with food will truly be the key, but self-acceptance and insight are also necessary as well. I hope this has helped in some small way. Take care, and God bless you!
She actualy isn't obese and just one pound overweight - her BMI is 25.
Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
I would really encourage excersize - maybe see if you can find something she really loves to do that is active. She might enjoy just taking long walks with you and talking.
Hi D.,
I loved being a Big Sister, and I had the same issue with my little girl. Her mom and younger sister were normal weights and I think the girl's eating was emotional. I think it's great that you talk to her about nutrition and be a good role model for her. I'm sure her mother is very aware of the weight issue but too overwhelemed to really do anything about it. She may take it as critism so tread carefully.
Good luck to you.
J.
I had a 12 year-old Little Sister a long time ago.
What you're doing sounds just right. (Except don't overdo the conversations about healthy eating -- your job is not to bore or lecture her.) You are a mentor, so hopefully you will influence your Little Sister over time. I don't think you should discuss it with the mother, I'm sure the mother has heard about healthy eating by now, and apparently she doesn't want to. As a Big Sister trying to fix the mother is not your job.
Just keep role-modeling, and hopefully over time it will have an effect.
150 lbs at 5'5" is not bad, stressing her about it will make it worse. That is how we cause eating disorders in children. She shouldn't even be thinking about it. If she is reasonably active (you said she is swimming), then don't bother her about her weight. There is nothing wrong with white rice, though brown is better. Yes, I'm sure they could eat better if mom wasn't working 3 jobs, but that doesn't seem possible at the moment. Just provide healthy examples when you are with her, as you do, and she will learn from you. Take care, C.
Best way to treat obesity is to reduce the amount of calories in your diet and to exercise more. The type of diet and exercise that will benefit you, and that you can follow safely, will vary from person to person. You should visit your GP before making any significant changes to your life.
http://www.fightobesity.net/obesity-treatment.html
OMG! Please do not contribute to the body image problems of young girls. 5'5" and 150 lbs is not FAT for a pre-teen girl that needs extra fat to build her new body that hasn't even fully formed yet!!!! What is wrong with our society?!?!?!?!?!?
Childhood obesity is NOT referring to this normal developmental phase of pre-teen fat. BMI would have to be much higher to be considered obese, and even then it sounds like you should continue to be a mentor which means leading by example NOT parenting. Congrats on being a mentor, but remember your role is very different from that of physician or parent.
