Chaos Teenager/adult

Tough love. Kick him out. I would not allow this child to disrupt the household when there are younger children present.

First of all, an adult child who moves home should assume a fair % of all bills, including housing, electric, food, etc. Plus, he/she should be required to actively participate in all family activities around home,ie cleaning, preparing meals, washes, etc. And finally, if harmony is disrupted, then the adult, if responsible, must be enlightened that this is the cause of disharmony and if behavior cannot change, then he/she is no longer welcome to reside with core family...important to state love for this person, but NOT for the behavior exhibited that is so problematic within the environment of family living.

C. is this you? All you had to do was call me, I'd told you to kick him to the curb. He didn't even ask to come back, he just showed up on your doorstep. Send him back to Nana and Papa.
A.

This is my opinion on this subject. I am the youngest of 4 and my older sister who is 13 years older has always created chaos in the home. If I were dealing with this issue, first I would set some hard and fast rules. The first would be that the older child can live there as long as they are working outside the home, and doing set chores inside the home. As an adult, they need to be setting a good example for the younger children. They would also be expected to behave in a civil manner and help out with the younger siblings. I don't know if your child is capable of doing these things since you mentioned the possible need for therapy. If the child is able though, I would expect the above listed things. I would also give a timeline, and if the child was only causing chaos and not helping the family by the end of the timeline then I would help the child find an apt. Noone should be allowed to come into your home and keep things in a constant state of chaos. From experience, I have seen how little things can turn into big problems.
Hope this helps a little.

I had a friend in this situation. The boy could not follow the general house rules. It was time for him to go. If he is creating so much chaos it sounds like he needs to find his own place. My friend told her son that he had to be out by a certain date. They gave him a specific date and a few weeks to figure things out. The son didn't have a place to go or job, but he did find something and he is now living with another adult.

Good Morning C.,

Isn't this the hardest thing to deal with? They leave 'our' home and then return only to disrespect 'our' home and think their behavior is acceptable.

Unfortunately, for her/him, you do not have to 'deal' with this. If they choose to create chaos and not help you out with the other children, then yes, they must leave.

Raising children is hard enough. Trying to keep they stable in today's world is so important and if they have someone exhibiting really bad behavior, you will not just have one awful situation, you may end up with 3!! Is it worth it.

Now, on the other hand, if there is a possibility of sitting down with the older CHILD, and speaking with directness to her/him and you set boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable and what will and will not be tolerated and ask if they are willing to adjust to the rules of the house. If they say no, then it's time to leave. If they say yes, then here are the rules and you must have them written out. There will be no exceptions to these rules and if there is, you will no longer be allowed to stay in the house you will immediately pack your things up and go!

Then YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH. We spend so much time threatening these children today that they have little to no respect for us. (Trust me I know that one loud and clear!!) In fact, I know it so well I wrote a book about it.

I think setting boundaries and being consistent with the other 2 is really important right now too. They see what's up and may think this is ok.

Good Luck and be strong!!!

L. Hein
Author
THE BOOK "I'm Doing The Best I Can!" (They won't always be cute and adorable)
www.lisarhein.com

I also was a full time single parent with no support but only 1 daughter who during her early adult life was very mixed up and troubled. She kept moving back home in between fights with her boyfriend who was no better and when things got out of hand at home,and she would not adhere to my house rules, I threw her out. I made her get counciling as a minor teen which she rebelled against and was uncooperative most of the time with the councilors but you can't make an adult child go. The only thing you can do, is if they are a danger to themselves or society, you can have them Baker Acted for a 72 hr evaluation in mental health condition. If they are not deemed sick enough to be hospitalized for physiciatric treatment, then they are released at the end of 72 hours. But I felt since the home was mine and I had worked hard to pay for it and was supporting her under my roof, then she had to abide by house rules. Once the greatfulness for letting her back home wore off, she was up to her old behavior again and I wouldn't tolerate it so out she went to mooch off friends not any better than she was at the time. Thank goodness she eventually woke up, met a good man, had a baby, got married and is now a woman to be very proud of.

i also am a single mom. I have two older children and one that still lives at home. There have been times that my middle daughter has come back home, and with grandchildren in tow. The hardest thing that you have to do is let them know that your house rules are the ones they have to adhere to. Since your job of raising the remaining siblings is your #1 priority, the older ones need to know that they can stay if they are willing to not only live by your current house rules, but they need to be helpful to you in how the house is running. your younger children will be looking up to the older sibling for guidance and "learning the ropes" so only a good role model will do. If the older sibling is having issues with his/her life then I would definitely recommend counseling of some type. Good Luck

I say Respect, Respect, Respect. And curtiousy. If your oldest child is upsetting the household, he/she is not having any respect for you or the other people that live there. I would talk to him/her. I would explain this behavior is not acceptable. And if they can't live by your rules (yes, I know he/she is an adult now - but they came back home to you), then they need to find other living arrangements.
Remind him/her that you love them and that this chaos is not how you live your life. If he/she can't stop whatever it is their doing, then they have to leave. It isn't fair to you or the other children if now they have to live with upsetment.
Life is difficult as it is w/o the added grief this adult child is causing. Good Luck.

My best friend was going through the same ordeal. Her step son was not only verbally but sometimes physically abusive to her, his father and siblings. I know as a parent it is hard to treat each one of your children differently. But you do have to take into consideration your other children who are not old enough to fend for themselves. I would attempt to sit down and talk to him. Tell him what he is doing. Young adults tend to see the world with blinders on. All they care about is themselves. Have the other 2 children tell him how they are feeling and what he is doing to them. If all else fails give him the altermatium to ship up or ship out. There is nothing wrong with that. You have done all you can as a parent to get him to the age where he can leave the nest. You have your younger children to worry about now. I don't want it to sound as if I am being harsh on your eldest. The only way he will learn is by the hard way. My mother had to let me fall flat on my face a few times before I finally got the picture. And I thank god she did. It has made me the strong person I am today. I hope it all works out for you and I wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

C.,
My perspective is from the teenagers. I was in HS when my adult brother moved backed into our family home and stirred everything up. It was horrible - the worst part was watching how much it upset my parents and how much he was hurting them. I still get angry thinking about and it has changed our relationship ever since. I wish my parents would have done something to alter his behavior, as hard as it would have been for them. I don't know if it would have been kicking him out, getting him professional help or what, but just letting him live there and completely disrupt all of our lives wasn't perfect. Even now, 20 years later he still jumps job to job and has never really settled into a stable lifestyle. So I don't think they really did him any favor by just ignoring the crappy way he treated all of us back then. Anyway, I don't know if this will help you at all, but my voice as a sibling would have been to my parents kick him out or do something drastic because it is very hard to have your eldest child disrupt everyone's lives. Good luck.

A.

Well I was going to say I don't know the circumstances, but if he is an adult causing problems in your house then you should tell him to leave. The first post kinda answered my question of your circumstances. My oldest sister who is 11 years older than me has an adult son who is bi-polar. He really wreaked havoc on her life. He moved in and out, caused problems, took money, made bad decisions(which she ended up paying for). She is a kind hearted woman and it was really hard for her to do, but she finally kicked him out and has never let him come back and live with her again. He has moved from place to place, lied about jobs, not taken his medicine, gotten involved with some dangerous/bad people. One guy even call her from TN and she lives in TX, he had just beaten him up and threw him out of his car in the middle of no where. She was so worried about him, and he did call and try once again for her to send money for him to get a bus ticket home. Same old story every time he calls. She said no....I was so proud of her. It must been the hardest thing a mother has to do, but it was the best thing she could have done. He is working now at a hospital and is drug tested often to make sure he is staying on his meds, right now things are going well, but you never know. I am telling you this because he was ruining my sister's life. She was smart enough to see that and finally did the right thing. If this is anything like what your going thru then you might want to kick him out, move on, and have some good friendly support to help you stay strong. I am so sorry you have to go thru this, I know this is not what we think will happen to our babies once they grow up. We only think of all the great things that they can do with their lives. It's got to be so painful to watch. I will send out a prayer for you and your son. STAND STRONG for you and your younger children!! GOOD LUCK & GOD BLESS!

I have been there! It is called tough love... if they will not abide by your rules and is causing chaos, not respecting you as the parent, you have one choice practice tough love and tell them to get out. Tell them you love them but you will not have this in your home. Be firm and do not give more than one chance, otherwise they don't think you will ever do anything.

C.,
I have an 18 year old step son who has been pretty good along the way. A few bumps in the road but we made it very clear that if he was to keep repeating his actions, he would not be living with us. You have to think of your other children as well. It must be hard being a single parent, which should give you more incentive to do what is right for the younger kids. I for sure do not know what the problems are that the oldest one is bringing in, but I say if he is of age, and is not is high school still, then he needs to check himself, or check out of your house. I think most times we as parents have a bleeding heart for our children, which is totally normal, but there is a line between parenting and being taken advantage of. If its so bad that it is disrupting the other children's lives, please conceder thier saftey and needs as well. Good luck.

Hi C.
Sorry to hear about your "chaos"...I can say...been there..done that one...my oldest is 23yr. moved out, back in, out and back in...What I found helps is "boundries"..if this young adult is going to live with you and your other two...you need to set limits and treat him/her with respect as another adult. My 23yr old pays rent weekly and if my son doesn't care for where he is living then, he is welcome to move out. The only reason why I did accept him back in this last time was because of my grandchild. With respect as adults for one another, it could settle down, if not..then give him/her a deadline to move out again and that's it. I mean when is it time for them to be able to support themselves? Why is it that the parent always is made to feel guilty when making decisions?? I guess a parents work is never done. Right? It is the hardest thing to do with a child of your own..is detach with love...good luck...let us know how it all works out for you...Sincerely "another single parent of 3"

If this adult child is not helping out in anyway then I would practice tough love and give him an alternative living situation.I would also insist he get help
The other children are learning from this behavior and may end up doing the same thing. Or they could resent you for allowing this chaos to occur

Good luck