My son is growing (15)and is having a hard time with his visits with his Dad. The visits have been every other weekend a sleepover, and every Sunday a visit. Now that he is older, he wants more time for sports and friends and his Dad doesn't understand. He thinks that because he is older, they should have more in common (I think he forgot that as my son ages, so does he!) My ex feels watching football should be enough in a visit, but my son would rather be outside PLAYING football. My son wants to handle this on his own, but I feel that it is getting out of control. My ex claims he doesn't have a son anymore, that my son is disrespectful and has an attitude because he speaks his mind to him about his visits. I am looking for advice on how to diffuse this situation as both can be so stubborn!
My son is still trying to get through this without my help and I respect him for this. I told him he should make sure he is being respectful to his father and to ask him to be a bit more relenting in the scheduled visits. So far we are okay and I am hoping this semi-peace treaty holds! Thanks for all your input, I mentioned them to my son and I think he used them as guidance with his talk to his dad.
K.,
When my son was 16 he acted the same way. I did talk to his dad and instead of every other weekend, I let them make plans on when they wanted to get together. They also made early plans so my son could just be a regular teen and hang with his buddies. I think it has worked out. Good luck!
We had this exact issue last May.My stepdaughter was lying to her dad alot and changing vsiitation etc.It was very hard it does hurt but I talked to my hsuband and told him to let her come when she wanted.She wanted to spend time with a boyfriend(who we are not crazy about, another story)but the more you try to control things the more they fight it.She didn't come very much at first but she came around.She missed her brother who is 8 and we just called her often and let her know we loved her and hoped to see her soon.She e-mails alot and has been coming every other weekend on her own. It will be hard to convince your ex that it is part of growing up but maybe print some of your responses and he will see many people are going through the same thing.He shouldn't push him away because he feels rejected they really don't mean it in that way they are just trying to grow up.Good luck T.
Hi K.
As a previously divorced and remarried mom of 25 and 23 year old sons, my hind sight would tell you to let your son talk to his father directly. This is not your fight-nor should it be a fight at all. It should be a discussion between your son and his dad so they learn proper communication. Of course he wants more time for HIS life. It is tough. My kids are now dealing with being in other states and having parents, step-parents (all remarried) and in-laws. In addition to that-they are in two different states and my ex and I are in two other states. If you let him work this on his own (with your help if he needs it--but in the background) then he will learn to deal with the Bigger challenges that lie ahead.
Good luck!
J. H
Mom of 2
step mother of 3
grammy of 2
I have had similar issues with my teen daughter and her father. Now that she is 17 he finally is giving her the space to make her own choices. I feel that he did damage though in his 'demands' for respect in that she doesn't feel comfortable or safe telling him how she feels to this day. If your ex continues to demand respect from your son he may be doing long term damage. This is the time when teens are meant to rebel against their parents, particularly the same sex one (I am now getting the rot end from my daughter!). Your son will purposely not want to have anything in common with his dad because that is how he is trying to figure out who he really is and what he really likes as opposed to what he likes because his dad likes it. You are in a tough spot though. My experience with my ex is that he does NOT like to be told how to handle his daughter. No one does. I finally had to just give up because he was never going to change and just do the best I could to support both of them. If he is willing to read there are tons of great books out there about how to talk to teens without getting your head ripped off. My ex refuses to read so that is not an option. :-)
tell your ex to become a man and get outside and play some ball with his son in stead of laying around watching tv and becoming fat and lazy
I went through a similar situation 2 boys now 17 and 15 with a similar dad. We had a family meeting at the table. It is important to listen to what you son wants and his expectations for spending time with his dad. Can a compromise be met (as far as activites)? The respect issue needs to deal with consequences as he is old enough to understand that you are both willing to speak to him as a young adult and if he wants this treatment, he needs to be respectful. I would not try to convince or change you ex, it comes across better hearing it from your son. Ultimately, the both will come to a decision and then you may be faced supporting your son over your ex. He has a legal right, but if forced, you son may rebel, runaway etc.
I feel so much for you as this is so hard.
Best of luck
My son is 16 and he's the same way. He loves his dad but has friends and other things he likes to do too. Your son's dad should be a bit more understanding. If you both are flexible all will work out. The written visitation is that my son goes to his dad's every other weekend. Since he has gotten older his dad and I have become flexible. My son discusses with me & his dad when he would like to go and we arrange it. I think the biggest thing is that you all be flexible. I hope it all works out.
I would not put yourself in the middle of these situations anymore. It will only cause more tension to the situation. I am sure you and your son have some differences and bumps in your relationship and with time (something Dad doesn't have much of) you both worked it out. Have confidence that they will work it out. It will strengthen their relationship. It sounds like you have already sided with your son?If you intervene, you are showing that you are siding with your son and that your sons "wants" are more important than his own father. Your ex is just venting the frustration of a situation he has little control of. In the mean time what you have control over is your sons behavior in your home concerning his father. It is unacceptable behavior to allow your son to disrespect his Father in your presence. It really is a reflection of your sons perspective of parental authority. Something truly lacking in todays world.
if your son is involved in p[laying football andhe has practice or a game during visits YES your EX should be bringing him to those events PERIOD.. He isn't teachinghis son much about being responable if he doesn't. A friend of minehad this issue swith her Ex and they decied he would pick up his child after hi Satruday games on his week-end... so his mothe rcould take him to his games .. the child isonly 6.. I think if your son is saying "hey dad can we do this instead of watching TV?" he is not being disrespectful he is just stating his own needs.. He should be able to do so with ANY ADULT in his life.. I f you rex takes it as disrepect he is WRONG... I would ask question to your ex about how your son says things.. the tone perhaps or mayb ehe needs to say to his dad " what are yoy planning on us doing this weekend? or say before the weekedn is up whenhe is visiting " dad can we go play minigolf (etc) nexttime?" if all else fails have a family discussion.. Ihope this helps :) good luck :)
