Changing Perspective? Marriage Question

Oh, dear.... I think if I got up first and made the coffee, neither of us would get a good cup of Joe.

Other wise I think this is a wonderful idea and since my husband is such a great guy, he probably would get the best of it. I'd have to get the paper in the cold and rain, start the freezing cold cars, listen to him talk about the details of things of no importance, etc. I really have to consider all he puts up with!

I would like to do the driving more!

Hi, Cheryl:

Do you think the talk show was more about getting out of ruts or having
conflict versus getting along?
Just wondering.
D.

Hmmm.
So let me see, I would start farting like a trucker.
I would make sounds of "pain" every time I get up, sit down, pick up, "only" when he is looking.
and
I would be unable to do ANYTHING else when taking care of the toddler.

Now to be fair, I am sure he has his take on my no so perfect stuff, lucky he is not a member of this website, ha!

Yes, but I think it would need to be a more radical switch. Like I went out of town for work every week, like I had to deal with what he deals with everyday.

And vice versa, HE would HAVE to get up every school day at 520, with a positive attitude, do everything all day just the way they like it so as everyone has a nice life......hahaha, equally ridiculous as the first example.

Still, we DO forget the other has things on their mind that WE don't, don't we?

Thanks for the reminder, wish I read this earlier BEFORE he left for work for the week. Instead of internally thinking MY GOD, is he EVER going to work, I might have jumped him, tehehe! Damn!

:)

I don't think ruts like sleeping on the same side of the bed cause the lack of understanding. I am sure if you polled the board you would find nearly 50/50 women sleeping on one side or the other. It is not a gender choice therefore changing it would give us no insight into the other gender. More likely it would make us cranky and make communication worse.

But hey, it sounds good so let's throw it out as self help.

About a month ago Troy laid into me about leaving a chip bag on the counter that I could have easily put in the trash. I was upset about him talking to me like a child but instead of having a temper tantrum I explained, I left the bag because I realized you were leaving to pick up groceries and you forgot to get our bags out of the back. (we had just got home from Christmas with his family) I told him I didn't want you getting to the store and have no where for groceries.

Yes when I was finished I forgot to throw the bag away. He spent a good two weeks constantly realizing how much I do that could be considered something he should have done. He realized I never threw it in his face because I don't count, I don't track. He stopped tracking because he realized it may not be equal but it is damn close to equal.

I guess my point is changing places does not force someone to understand your place, you have to put on your big girl panties and find your words.

While I was pregnant, we confronted the fact we are both wall facing sleepers. In order for me to sleep on my left side, we switched sides of the bed. For the rest of the pregnancy, we giggled and discussed at length how much we wanted our side of the bed back. On some level it was almost as anticipated as the new baby. Also sometimes we randomly swap spots at the dining table but it's just weird admittedly. Overall I have to say while the different physical views are interesting, they hardly gave me any insight into my husband's point of view which is sad since it would be a cheap way to gain his perspective.

There is no way that I would switch sides of the bed! His side has the alarm clock. Let him turn it off in the morning.

That being said, we have switched places on the couch and dinner table, but I'm not sure how that relates to seeing things how he sees them. Sure, it's a different visual perspective, but has nothing to do with your partners thinking point of view. I think good discussions are better for that.

I think doing that would give you more to talk about. Just maybe the conversation about "how weird sitting ___ is" sort of stuff. And if you have stale conversations it might be a conversation starter. But it wouldn't give me any insight into my husband.
Really? They think it will? I don't see how. Should I start wearing shoes with an inch and a half lift in them, too, so that I see things from his height? How exactly is that supposed to help me understand his views on anything? Child rearing, discipline, laundry, vacation, finances, .... ? Hmmm... not seeing it being a help.

And for the record, I will never switch sides of the bed. I always have slept on the side closest to both the bathroom and the bedroom door (the kids would come in at night and slink up to my side of the bed, lol)... and while they are way past doing that... we have established which side we sleep on. In every location we ever sleep(have slept) I get the side with easiest access to the kids and/or the bedroom door. (for ex. in hotels, I am on the side next to the adjacent bed with the kids in it).

ETA: And I will not switch restaurant seating with him either, b/c he is a lefty and I am a righty. I always try to sit to his right, so that we have room to maneuver. :)

Hmm. When we first married, he slept on the left and me on the right. The mattress was awful and his back was hurting. He suggested we switch sides. So we switched and about a year later got a new mattress. Never switched sides back! I would maybe suggest it, but I am not sure I want his side of the bed - I KNOW his perspective: SUN in the face! On my side, I can put a blanket, or his body kind of covers the sun. On his side, the only thing he can do to avoid the bright sun is roll over and face the other direction.

As for eating out - eh we don't eat out enough to have a 'regular' place to switch it up.

The only thing I think would be a worthy "switch-up" would be for me to leave the husband at home for 8 or 10 hours with our son, come home and wait for dinner to be made. Sit around, work on the computer, and let him bathe the boy, wash the dishes, do the laundry (actually put it away, not just start a load and leave it in the washer or dryer), and see if he has enough energy for sex after the boy's in bed. :) --And of course, my husband would never agree to this switch-up. I think he secretly knows that I work my butt off.

I know lately my hubby has been more greatful and understand of what I have had to do over the last few years... he is ready to go back to his role, but can't for another 5 months.

You see in the end of November through the beginning of December I have a week and a half that I had mini strokes or seizure (they aren't 100% sure which - each doctor tells me something else) plus on Nov 27th I fell in a parking lot while tring to get into the ER to get checked, hit my head which cause my brain to bleed since I was on blood thinners to prevent postpartum blood clots... I was taken off the blood thinners when my brain bleeds started to protect my from mass bleeding & a week later the found a large bloodclot in my left shoulder about 1 in from my heart & 2 in my brain.

That being said - hubby has been forced to take over for me... he has to wake-up early in the morning, take the kids to school, pick-up the 4 yr old at 11 am, then go back to pick-up the other 2 at 2:15, go get them when they are sick, drive me to any store I need to shop at, take us to doctor appointments since I can't drive. He also had to do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and take care of the 2 little babies (1 wk old & 18 mo old when it all happened) when I was in the hospital & for the first 2 weeks I was home. He now sees everything I have to do from day to day, but it really hasn't changed him understanding where I am coming from.

And although all I could do for 2 weeks after coming home was sleep in, watch TV or mess around on the computer as he likes to do all the time... it didn't change anything as to seeing things from his view. Actually all it has done is make me want my life back even more... I miss driving the kids to and from school, I miss being able to stop at the dollar store by the school to get the bath soap when I want, I miss not having my quite time while driving to a doctors appointment - but most of all I hate having to ask for help all the time... I just want to be independant again. And he really doesn't understand that - personnaly changing roles in our house has caused more issues then have helped!

I love the whole spirit of these ideas! Marriages are hard and sometimes it takes some creativity to liven things up. My husband would die with the idea of changing sides in bed. He is a true creature of habit. When he works late or is out of town, I like to sleep on his side.

Absolutely I'd do it. We've slept on opposite sides of the bed a few times and it'scrazy how much such a little thing can change things up especially sex. I think that changing things up is good for marriage, if not for fresh perspective but for getting out of a routine. Too much same old same old can be the death of a marriage. Even if you try something new together and it doesn't work out you at least have a laugh and a new experience under your belts which ultimately brings you closer together.

If I switch to his side of the bed, does that mean I get to sleep late every morning like he does?? Bahahaha! :)

I get what your saying and I do appreciate everything he does, and like wise.

what an interesting question. Now that I am home with the girls, getting into a routine and figuring out the house - where my wife put stuff - it's been a change in perspective.

She finished her Masters degree and got promoted at her company. We had always wanted one of us home with the girls but finances weren't working out that way. We did a lot of soul searching and began to find a way. Then she got promoted and it worked out.

Would I want to switch sides of the bed? Eeerr. No. I like my side.

I think I see the point of the trying new things. I really do. I cannot tell you how enlightened I have become staying home all the time now. I bow to other mom's and dad's who do it. It has been a bruise on my ego. But I am getting better.

Yea, he's not allowed on my side of the bed. But he comes to bed later than I do, most nights, and I sleep on the whole bed :). Sideways. He likes it because it makes his side of the bed warm for him and he doesn't have to wake me up to cuddle. But my side is my side darnit! LOL.

I guess our routine kind of is what it is right now. Between his long commute, my many hours of school work each week, and the kids activities, it is what it is.

We are thinking of switching it up and doing Easter in the National Harbor this year though! Does that count!?!

what a fun discussion!
i don't think the switching up in and of itself would be much of a perspective-enlightener, but it's a terrific place to start, isn't it?
the ol' man and i are SO settled into our places after 30 years. we even walk on the same side, hold hands the same way, and after dinner he always leans back and i stretch out and put my legs across his lap. every night. (yes, we're sweathogs, we eat in front of the tv.)
i would rather roll in my own puke than switch sides of the bed!!!
:X
khairete
S.

I don't think I'd like to "change things up". As far as the bed goes, we always sleep on the same side, even at hotels, and he knows that in reality, its "MY" bed as I get 3/4 of it. =) My hubby and I are basically opposites. I like our routine at home and don't see us changing it. However, lately I have told hubby that I want to try some different restaraunts when we go out. Might even get this years Entertainment Book and use all the coupons in it. We did that one year and it was fun and easy to try new places as it was mostly, buy one get one free. Anyway, I kind of see how changing things may make for more conversation, but I think it would just stress me out! So nah, we'll keep everything as is at home but might switch things around when we go out. =)

We have a temperpedic (SP?) and it is pretty much broken in according to our body types so no switching sides for us.

nope... there is no way he could take the verbal beatings he gives me (over BS things, like asking a question) And he would not sit there and take it 99% of the time like I do.... using words causes a huge argument about how i am making everything his fault

Well, in one sense I understand it, but in another it's completely ridiculous. I'm a counselor, btw, so I kind of feel like this is something I understand. also, my hubby and I went from okay marriage to amazing marriage, and we never switched sides of the bed. I think the key is to realize you are different people. Think about it, two kids can have very similar experiences, and one grow up to be a doctor and the other end up in a gang. Personally, I am about 10 inches shorter than my hsband. I also pee sitting down. Should I start peeing standing up, perhaps on a stool so I can see from his perspective? Nope. Sometimes you can change something up, like trying out a restaurant you've never been to, and that can be an enjoyable experience. Sometimes people talk so much about getting out of ruts though, and you have to assess for yourself whether you are really in a rut, or are comfortable and just know yourself and your spouse. There are ways we will never know others because we all have different personalities and experiences, and not being able to accept that isn't very healthy (relationship-wise). And for the record, we've changed sides of the bed several times and it hasn't made our relationship better or worse. ***I meant we never switched sides of the bed to get a better relationship. That took other work, talking mostly. Then we switched as we rearranged the room. I have a thing about being close to the door for the kids.

Hi Cheryl, you made me laugh :)
There is no way I am giving up my side of the bed and neither will my husband.
To "see" the others' perspective would be a major challenge, I think. We can always guess, but I can only imagine what it feels like to be a man (I'm sure willing to try it on in the next life) and I am sure that my husband cannot even imagine what it is like to be a W. (a complicated creature with womb, boobs, cramps, moods, emotions, etc., etc.). that is why we are bound on this eternal journey to be very close but very apart, to have different roles and mission but to be able to complete a full picture like fitting a puzzle together.
I guess, this is another theory exploiting the eternal question. You can try and let us know :)))