Can't Take It Anymore

K.,

I agree with some other posters. Write the chores you expect your son to do down. Plus add a time limit to when they need to be done by. At our house the rule is no tv,computer, phone, friends over or going anywhere until the chores are done. Each of my 5 children had 3-5 chores a day Mon. thur Fri. no chores on the weekends. This was there job, just like my husband and i have jobs. They did not get paid for this. There was a list of chores they could do for money if they choose to.
I am a step mom, my husband is a step dad. We spent many years fighting and feeling like we had to stand up for our child against the other parent until we seperated. WE spent 2 years in counseling on our own and togethter before we reconciled. What we both learned from that was even if we did not agree with the other parent we needed to shut up and take it up in a private place. If that meant we had to go for a ride for it to be private we learned to do that. We also learned that as soon as we stopped argueing in front of our kids over who was right and who was wrong there was alot less fighting between us and our respective step children.

My therapist told me straight up if I fought with hubby and took my childs side against him I was splitting my family into us against them. That I needed to sit down in private with hubby and go over what I expected from the children mine and his and then listen to what he expcected. We have posters all over our kitchen wall with written out rule for how we expect to be treated. How we expect chores to be done. ex: A clean bedroom is! and then what we thought clean meant. broken down step by step ex: bed made, toys in toybox etc.
We still fight sometimes but it is lots better.

hugs
A.

WOW! you are just like me. My son is almost 12 and my husband and him butt heads a lot. More so when my son's dad is in the picture. I am also starting to feel down and gaining a few to many pounds. We have been together almost 4 years and married this August. Things are so uptight that I don't even want to have sex anymore but don't know how to tell him. We also have a 16 month old daughter together. I am beginning to think I should take counceling but I thin my husband is the one who needs it. My son will not go - he knows he is fine and feels stepdaddy is a problem as well as the fact my son has reading problems. It is like we are stuck and not sure what to do because we feel our kids come first.

God says, " good." Now maybe He can work in your life. Sound confussing? Well, I don't mean to be. You see, it sounds to me like you are trying to do everything to just keep the peace, please everyone, play both sides so that no one gets 'upset" with you. But in reality, everyone, especially you, is miserable! It's time to step aside and allow God to help you work this one out.

You see, at 13, your son will manipulate you and your husband. He will play both sides. And he will revert to anything he must to get what it is that he wants. Even if he does it lovingly, it's still manipulation. You have to stand up for what is right or you will fall for anything. Spouses stay and children leave. Bottomline. You have to respect your husband and teach your son how to as well.

Stop focusing on all of the bad and start focusing on all of the good points. Speak them (the good) out loud to your son and husband. Stop saying you can't but start saying God can.

When all else has failed you, try God's way. He says he will never leave you nor forsake you. He says you can do ALL things through Christ who gives you strength. In your weakness, He is made strong.

13 is a very hard age for a young man. It's a time when they are about to transition from a boy to a young man and so much is going on inside their minds and bodies. Although this is so true, and explains some of why your son acts the way he may sometimes, it still does not excuse disobedience towards his fsther (step). Everytime you step in between them, you undermind your husband's authority. Your husband is the leader, you are to submit and so are your children. This is God's rules not mine. And one thing I know for sure, God's way is the best way for us.

Yes counselling would be great for you all. But until you can, counsel yourself through God's word. Pick up your Bible and read it. If you don't have one, go to www.bible.com and read it there. In fact, look up 'children obey your parents' and it will pull it up for you to read what God says.

My house was upside down for 10yrs. I know what it's like to be on your side of the fence. And it isn't pretty. God's way is so much easier in the long run. He loves you K. and He has a great purpose for your life.

Email me directly @ ____@____.com if I can help, okay?

Take Care,
N. :) my boys are 13, 8 & 2yrs old and my husband and I have been married for almost 15 yrs.

You are not alone in this struggle, most people who have kids struggle. Y our marriage is a higher priority than your kids. I know its hard, but life is hard, and if you leave there will be a whole new set of problems to deal with.
In our society of "what makes me happy" , we never get fulfilled. Try God's way. Pick up the Bible and start reading the book called Proverbs, and the 4 gospels :Mathew, Mark, luke and John. these will give you God's principles for everyday life situations, and how God says to deal with things. Pray that He will reveal truth to you. He promises to hear you.

K., I wish that I could empathize with you, but that has never been my situation. The only thing I can imagine it would be is that maybe your son thinks that if he causes enough problems between you and your husband that you guys will divorce. If that happens, you can get back together with his dad. From what I understand about divorce, isn't it typical for the children to want their parents to get back together? How did your son react to your husband before you got married? Did they get along or did he try things like this? I think you have to examine when this behavior first started in order to find out the real issue. Maybe something you should tell your husband to lighten up and understand the real issue (whatever it is), so that you both can help your son through it. On a side note, if you're looking for another job where you'll be home with your kids more, I'd be happy to share more info with you about the Mary Kay business opportunity. Please e-mail me at ____@____.com to schedule an appointment. Good luck with your son and your husband!

I am not sure if I can help you at all, but I have tried the therapist route with my husband and his yelling, but he did what your son does and said everything right so it seemed there was no problem. I didn't bother to go back again, either. As the wife and mother, I decided I wanted my life to be peaceful and I stopped arguing or responding at all. I never take my son's side. I do take him aside, alone and talk with him calmly about how he could make better, more mature choices next time. He gets it. Your husband may never stop yelling or reacting with a bit of a temper. Find what works best to get your son finished the tasks and live your life in peace and happiness, as life goes so quickly. Enjoy life and try to encourage your husband to do the same. I've done the eating thing too. Prayer helps alot, so does exercise. Take a walk with your kids this fall, the leaves are beautiful, maybe on the weekend. I hope you are able to change your work schedule and that improves things. Godspeed.

Hi K.: You are where I have been. Alot of women will respond with how to correct this problem, but the real deal is that, you have to talk without the arguing...Yes it may seem hard to do, but if you and your spouse want this marriage, then you need to open the lines of communication.

God ordained marriage, your children should be a asset, not a liability. Your son has to understand that another man is now the Head of Household, he can relax and the attention should be placed on familynot any one individual. That is where the struggle lies, without opening up to talk, you can start by going to counselling alone and give your husband a choice, talk or continue in chaos. God will honor the heart of His people.

Even though your son may be testing boundaries he should still do what he is asked. I agree with another poster, 30 minutes is more than enough time to start a task, maybe not finish it but at least start it. Your son probably sees that you tend to take his side so he knows its like a free pass not to do what your husband asks. It does sound (from this post) that your son may not respect your husband like he should. He doesn't have to like him but as your husband he deserves to be respected to a degree. I think it will be beneficial to everyone if you and your husband sit down and make a chore list for your son. Things that he is expected to do daily and maybe if he completes them he can show the both of you. If your husband sees that you always take the boys side that is bound to create a rift between the two of you. Although respect should be earned to an extent, you should always grant your elders some respect. Sorry to be all over the place.

Hi K.,

Your request makes me very sad. Because I am a single mom and am always confused about whether it's best to have a father figure in my child's life, or whether I can do it on my own. I end up trying to please everyone, and forgetting myself in the process. It is a horrible feeling to forget yourself. And I sense you might be a bit lost right now, too.

I think counseling of some kind could definitely help. If you can't schedule enough time for that, I would suggest that you find some quiet time to yourself. Take a walk, get fresh air, be somewhere where you feel free to think of just yourself. And when you are on your own, think about what you envision your life to be now, and what you want it to be in future. In terms of the power struggle between your DH and your son, it is understandable that your feelings would be to side with your son. The truth is, as much as you love your DH, your son is your heart and your world. You brought him into the world, and as long as he is your child, you owe it to him to protect his best interests. Your intuition will know. If you feel like your DH is being unfair to your son, he probably is. And your disengagement from this will hurt your son. He will see you as powerless, and as unable to protect him. A 13-year-old boy is unlikely to tell you this, but he is taking it all in, and it will affect his future relationships, too. I don't mean to scare you, but I mean to say our children are our most important people.

If you are meant to work things out with your DH, you will. If he understands you and respects you and loves you, he will understand that you need to stand up for your son, too. Parents do not deserve unconditional respect. That is old school, and outdated, and because grown ups are fallible, it leaves children with little to do but to close up emotionally/hate their parents/become depressed. As much as it might be painful, being involved in your son's life will help him to know you care, you are his advocate, and you will help him grow up safe and sound into a man who will respect and love his own future partner.

I know it is not easy, and there are moments I feel like I have made mistakes or act in cowardly fashion when it comes to my son and his father. There are times I try to keep the peace (more often than not). But in the end, my conscience keeps telling me that my son is my most important person, and his opinions of me matter more than the opinions of anyone else in the world. As parents we are forced to grow up, to face our own demons, and to have a choice as to whether we will be brave or throw our destiny to someone else. Sorry this is kind of harsh, but I am learning this lesson myself, and I want to support you in making a smart decision for you and your son first. If your DH loves you, he will be on board, too. Best wishes.

I don't really have any advice for you but I am thinking that possibly your son sees the issues between you and your husband and probably doens't like or respect him b/c of the way he sees you being treated. I am not saying that your husband treats you badly (I haven't read the previous posts) but just like you are inclined to take your son's side in a argument between he and your husband I am sure you son is just as inclined to want to protect or defend his Mother. He is at an age where he understands that respect needs to be earned and even if your husband should be a figure of authority to him he probably isn't going to have much respect for him if he feels he is not respecting you. Maybe you already do this but if not is there a way to keep your arguments out of range so you son isn't aware of what is going on until you and your husband can get things worked out. Possibly if he feels that the two of you have worked through your issues then he will be more open to repsecting and listening to him??

Best Wishes!!!

Hi K.,
You are not alone in this. All parents have a power struggle with kids. I think that because there is a 'step-' issue, perhaps the needed respect on both sides isn't there. However, I can see your husband's point. 30 mins for a request to be carried out is plenty. My hubby gets mad if its not done in 30sec., and they're his kids. My 7yr old jumps whenever my husband opens his mouth, but my requests go in one ear and out the other. Hubby finally sat down with him and said look. There is no difference between when I ask you to do something and Mom asks you. You jump for me, you jump for her, whether I'm here or not. We have a behavior chart for tae kwon do, and it helps keep track of his at home helpfulness. The 7yr old seems to be doing a bit better.