Can't Connect to Husband, Is It Over?

No - its not over. Keep trying. It sounds like you have a good man who loves you. I dont have any great advice other than to say keep trying and be patient. Look for the things you appreciate about him, and focus on those. Good luck!

It could be depression. You could have been so busy overwhelmed when he was gone but comes flooding back now that he is here?

I can imagine, after being alone for a year, you are accustomed to doing things by yourself, as well as being at home alone. You built a routine for yourself, and all of a sudden it has dramatically changed. Silence and yourself have been your company this last year, so to speak, so of course, having your husband back will disrupt that relationship. I don't think it is over. You need to be honest with your husband. He left for a year, and you had to adjust. Now it is his turn to adjust to your life.

Meeting with a counselor will help you both communicate your feelings better. I wish you both luck.

He was gone for a year...it might just take you a year to get used to each other again.

No, we don't know the whole story btwn you and your spouse, but please please please be patient, considerate and open with him. If YOU are the one having a rough time adjusting, the least you can do is give him a year with you. Just the fact that he's making an effort to be attentive says he was probably waiting a whole year to be with you again.

If you aren't seeing a counselor specifically trained in dealing w/military couples and long term deployments, try finding one, or at least a support group for military wives.

If your husband could face down the enemy in battle in a foreign land in the extreme heat carrying over 100 lb of ammo on his back, you can certainly keep trying to make things work. Give your marriage a fighting chance. He did by coming back alive.

Hi M.,

Speaking as a military spouse I can tell you that transition back home is just as difficult for it's own set of reasons as the deployment itself. Take comfort in the fact that what you are going through is not uncommon at all. In the year that he has been gone, you have become more independent, you have established your own way of doing things, you have learned to live without him and you have realized that while you may not have loved it, you don't suck at it either.

It is also normal to feel resentment. You can know rationally why your spouse was gone. But that doesn't change the feeling of having been abandoned a lot of the time. For their part, sometimes the spouse that comes home doesn't understand that he/she can't just roll in and it's business as usual. That part was really hard for my husband and I the first two times he deployed. He would leave and it would take a huge ammount of the time he was gone to figure out how to do all the jobs and arrange our lives and then, right when it seemed like we had it all down, here he would come and as happy as I was to see him, he just started changing things up. A part of me was like, "You haven't been here, you don't just get to walk in and boss everyone around. You don't get to change the routine to suit you. You don't get to start disciplining the kids you haven't seen." I would get really resentful and upset. He had to learn how to step back and take the lay of the land, how to softly enter the scene, and he had to learn how to communicate with me on what he needed and we had to work together. I had to learn how to let things go, how not to respond with that initial feeling and how to communicate with him my frustration.

Intimacy is often lost when military spouses are separated. You have to reconnect all over again and it often takes more than just a few weeks. I would miss him, and miss him, and miss him and then he would come home and it was almost like our first date all over again except here we were with a family and a home and we saw each other all the time. I felt bombarded with him.

For the sake of you and your husband and your baby, you really need to keep trying. Don't walk away until you are absolutely sure, and, in my experience, it is impossible to know so early on in his return. Absolutely seek counseling and find someone that specializes in veterans and family issues. The counselor needs that unique perspective to help you work through it. If you are willing to work and wait, it does get better. You also need to work on the issues you had before you left, so that if he has to leave again you aren't in the same situation you are now.

If you need to PM me, I am here and am willing to talk very honestly about us, what we went through and what helped. Keep your head up girl, the deployment may be over, but there's still stuff to work through.

L.

No, its not over.

I looked at your profile and what I didn't find there makes it difficult to tailor an answer to you.

You didn't say what the problems were or why you feel the way you do.

A man that loves his wife so much that he "is doing everything he can to try to please" her inspite of being rebuffed is a rare gift. You may not like the color of yellow gold, but you don't throw it away because you don't like the color. You have a wonder opportunity to identify the problems, correct them, and have a happy marriage.

You didn't love him when you first saw him. But you fell in love with him for certain reasons. Remember those reasons. Tell him what you would like him to do or say. Help him to win your love again. In the end you will be much better off because of it . . . and much happier too.

Someone else mentioned depression. Depression does a lot of bad things to relationships. If you had a broken arm, you would do something about it. You wouldn't just go to the kitchen and grab a big knife and cut it off. You would do what you could and see a doctor. You should do the same for your husband. Don't cut him off. Seek good, qualified help. AND look for his best qualities.

Good luck to you and yours.

I didn't read the other responses, but I will say this... don't put so much pressure on him! Just because you had fairy tale images going through your head about how perfect things would be when he got back, doesn't make it his fault for being distant. Instead, why not take it upon yourself to try to find that spark... find a sitter, and take him out to dinner at one of his favorite places, but make it a surprise. Maybe go where you had your first date. Think of HIS favorites. You might have been 'left alone', but that's what you signed up for. He's the one who's been out of the 'normal' schedule for a year.

Continue with the counselor, but lighten up the pressure. Pretend you're newly dating and start flirting with him, making him feel good. Once you start treating him like HIM again, and not the 'perfect husband' that filled your head while he was gone (because we tend to focus on the positive things that we miss), then I think you'll begin to fall for each other again :)

I think all marriages have highs and lows.

First, stop thinking it's over. This is a commitment. You once thought "he was the one". Just because it's not easy, doesn't mean you should look for a way out.

Second, parenthood is hard enough. I can only imagine what it's like trying to parent almost alone, with your husband deployed. The stress of everything has probably taken it's toll on both of you. Try not to blame him. Try to look at him as a partner in all of this.

Third, have you talked with your dr about depression? The fact that you said you just want to be by yourself is what makes me ask. It's better to get checked out and rule it out. I'm not suggesting your going to do anything extreme, but situational life circumstances test all of us. Sometimes we all need a little "help". For me, it was after an auto accident. I needed some meds to help me cope with all life was throwing at me. I was only on some meds for about 6 mos, but it really worked miracles for me during that time. Other friends I know call it "their little blue happy pill". Just consider getting checked out to rule it out.

Instead of feeling like you're "supposed" to be acting like husband and wife, start small. Try to make him a nice meal. Sit and watch a movie together. See if you can have friends over to play cards once a week. It will not only give you some "fun" time together without the pressures of "date night", but it will also give you something more to talk about.

Best wishes and hang in there!

It sounds like you have some things you need to work out, have you tried going to therapy alone? You have been used to being alone for a year, possibly built up a wall in case he never came back out of fear or worries. This is something you can certainly overcome.

Of course it isn't over. Put those thoughts out of your mind, and instead of focus on how you can be selfless again in a committed partnership. You have to really try and want to connect, even if it means learning to enjoy each other again and leaving your comfort zone. He sacrificed a lot... it's time for you to return the favor here. It's not only for the sake of your marriage, but also for your daughter.

These are two short (3 min) videos that can really help couples going through challenges;

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

It is going to take a while to get use to him again. I said once it would be easier to get a divorce and marry a complete stranger than it was to get back with my husband. He was also military. We both adjusted and made it through the career and into retirement.

What has happened is that you have both grown in many ways by separately and that you have grown apart. Now you have to find a way to bridge the gap and grow back together. You remember him how he was when he left. He remembers you as you were then. Now you two have come face to face with the real new you and that doesn't quite mesh with the old. You had to face being a momma by yourself (single momma sydrome) and he had to deal with things in the war zone (that he won't tell you about).

Stop with the resentment of his touch. Dig deep in yourself and find something of him that made you giddy like a school girl. It might just be the spark that is missing to rekindle your love for him. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Here are my questions to you: What do you really want from him? What do you want to do? What makes you want to be by yourself? Is it the military that you can't stand? Is it being apart that you can't stand? Do you need more time to adjust to him being back? Did you build a wall around yourself to keep from being hurt? Are you a clinging vine that had to become independent to deal with the year by yourself? There are many more questions I could ask but this enough for you to search through.

Life is not always greener on the other side. So do search deep and write pros and cons and go from there.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

I am sorry that you two are having a hard time transitioning to having 2 adults in the home again. My spouse is not military, but he is away at work almost every waking hour of our lives, and rarely is home. When he is here, I love the time with him, but then, honestly, I start getting annoyed by him wanting to do things his way, or on his schedule. I also often feel disconnected, and I realize that a large part of it is that our daily lives are so different, and I don't really feel like I am a part of his world.

I can only imagine that with a military deployment all of that would be very amplified and much more stressful and it is for me. Please give it much much more time. Do you have any kind of support network from other military wives? That might be almost more helpful than a counselor, as sometimes the biggest help is to talk with other people who have been in your shoes. (Not saying to ditch counseling, but the support structure of fellow military families is pretty important.)

There's nothing to compare a long-term military deployment to & have it end up with the same feeling. My husband has been gone for a few days at a time for training, a few weeks at a time (also training) and then months & months at a time for deployments. It's a totally different animal.

Lisa C. hit the nail on the head with every single sentence. You need to step back & so does your husband to give you the space & time you need to adjust to his return home.

My spouse isn't military, and wasn't deployed, but the feeling of disconnect has still popped up. Two things have helped us recently.

1. Clean sheets and warm showers before bed time. Trust me. It works.

2. We had a disagreement one night at bedtime. 2 a.m. he left the room. I followed. We sat at the kitchen table, in the dark and just poured it all out. No cutting each other off, no interrupting. No accusing looks. No name calling. Just raw honesty about what we were feeling. You'd be surprised about what you admit and what he feels.

Mine thought I have been mad at him for 5 years because he changed jobs 2 months before our 2nd was born. I wasn't mad that he'd switched jobs. I was mad that now the weekends weren't my own! For 9 years I could do WHATEVER, WHENEVER I wanted. When my 1st came along, I just adjusted and we were fine. As soon as hubby was home on weekends I couldn't just run my errands or go on shopping trips or meet up with family and friends. I had to check with him. See what HIS plans were. HE feels that every Saturday morning should start with a full cleaning of the house. I don't agree. I sometimes let my daughter go to the sitter's when I am home from work so that I can run errands without kids. She loves to go there. The sitter loves for her to be there. Hubby feels like I'm always finding ways to leave the kids home. I don't agree. He himself hates to go shopping with the kids, but when I go shopping without the kids I'm neglecting them.... Things have been MUCH better since the 2 a.m. tears session.

First of all...thanks to you and your fmily for the sacrifices you are making on behalf of all our freedom. You and your husband are true heroes. Marriage is such a rocky ride at times and then add the deployment. I imagine it is going to take time to find each other again. Good for you that you are in counseling and working on things. Keep faith in who you are, the man you married, and in the power of your bond. Closeness comes and goes but when you hang on through the hard times you eventually find a deeper connection. I recommend the book Power of the Praying Wife. It is reallly good and all about keeping the faith in what you once built.
Blessings.

Love is a choice not a feeling and you need to keep working on it and the more you do for him the more you will 'connect' with him and don't give up due to feelings. Feelings change so much over the years, on and off and for many reasons. My advice is to stick with it until it's over by death. Think of your child if nothing else.

M., my hubby leaves for 2-3 weeks every month. When he leaves I develop a good routine for myself and the kids. I have great communication with them and we get things done. When hubby returns, everything just goes down the drain. We get to places late, house is a complete mess, kids lie with him in bed to play ipad video games (which I'm against) etc. But, my heart really misses him when he's gone. When he does come home, he's also mine, and I take advantage of him. I prep myself up, smell good and get ready for the attack in bed. I love the smell he has after he's shaven, or the cologne he wears when he up and leaves for the day at work. I'm ready for him in every possible way. I must admit one thing. While he's gone, I do catch up on some Harlequine books. I know it sounds ridiculous, but they are such a turn on. They're truly romantic and they spice up my relationship. O.K. I'll stop here. Keep trying, find what works for you. Wish you luck.

are you afraid to connect b/c you're afraid of being left again alone and hurt when he's on deployment? is then when the fights started beforehand? when u realized he'd be gone? sometimes emotions come out wrong. If its not this and you J. don't love him, and don't see ever loving him i guess then u have to reevaluate ur future