Cancer - What Do I Do Now?

I agree with the others. Do research online and take questions with you to the second opinion. Please don't rely on how long they tell you she may live as they really don't know. When my father was diagnosed they estimated he had 6 months to live. He died six weeks later.

So sorry!

I think the best thing you can do is be positive. The doctors did not give you a time frame because they are not writing her death sentence. Sometimes, when people get a time frame, they give up when that time comes. If she is not waiting on death, she can be concentrating on living.

Just try to do as much for her as you can, i.e., house work, shopping, driving to doctor appt., picking up prescriptions, etc.

Right now your MIL is in the processing stage of the diagnosis. She is getting over the shock of the word CANCER. She is adjusting to the fact that it has spread throughout the body and weighing her options. She has received so much that she is a sponge and needs to wring out the excess to discover what she needs to do. MIL may not know what to do but she is the one that has to make the ultimate decisions for her health and future.

You, your husband and FIL need to be there for her but you ALL need to take care of yourselves health wise by eating properly, getting exercise and having time away to yourselves to reconnect.

Call a family meeting in your home with your children and let them know that grandma is ill and that she will be getting treatments that will change her outward appearance like the loss of her hair and her not being able to eat things and that smells will bother her (especially with chemo). She may become irritated and grumpy and maybe lash out at any and all but that is part of the process. Know that it is the medicines may make her this way. Anything you can provide to them in advance helps them deal with the changes. I had to tell my son about his best friend having cancer and explained the hair loss in advance and he stood up and defended his friend when the hair was gone and a wig was used that the other kids pulled off and made fun of him. Not a find time for either but he stuck with him through it all.

Do get a notebook for her to write down her feelings. Take pictures now before the treatments start so that you have a reference point of how she is progressing with treatments. Make the scrapbooks up for the grandchildren so that they have their personal memories of grandma. Get the house in order financially as Dawn has mentioned.

Be positive as possible but know that there will be an end you just don't know when. A good hospice nurse is worth every penny. My classmate had hospice for her husband and they were able to tell her when things were changing and what to look for. He died home peacefully watching his grandchildren play. The children were scooped up and taken to another part of the house and the funeral home came and removed the body.

As hard as it is it is a part of life. Do the things you can and enjoy them as they are for the moment. As I always say, "Stop and smell the roses along the way." They have such a beautiful soft scent. Take each day as it comes and don't plan for the long run. Live today as if it was your last and enjoy the next the same way. Show your weak side to your children to let them know that you are human and that this is part of life. They need to know it is okay to cry and feel bad but also to feel good in this time that is left with their grandma. Go get a final family portrait of everybody before she is unable to do anything and get some with just her and frame.

I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

The other S.
Breast Cancer Suvivor 16 years
Caregiver to hubby with prostate cancer advanced
Reach to Recovery American Cancer Society Representative

I'm so sorry. The thing that I can say to you now that might be hard to hear but if you are able to hear it, is to help your father-in-law prepare. Start now. No matter how much a rock he is, he needs help. He needs to get to the lawyer and draw up papers if there aren't any drawn up - quickly before she can't make any sense or before she is unable to sign anything. He needs to deal with power of attorneys and a living will. A DNR is very important so that she doesn't have to suffer needlessly because a DNR wasn't in place.

Help with preparing for the inevitable with the funeral home and cemetary, too, Mama. I can tell you how hard it is to write an obituary from scratch all night long to have to give the funeral home the next morning, because my mom and I had to do it for my dad. It's hard. And it's the first thing that has to be done because of having to be announced in the paper for legal purposes. It is so hard to make choices right after someone dies - if you go take care of it before it happens, the funeral home will handle everything for you as soon as you call them with the news.

You need to tell the kids. It will be hard for them, but don't hide it from them. She will be very different once she starts the chemo. She'll be sick and will look different, and may not know them. You need to prepare them.

Pallative care will be the most important thing to do for her. Find out as much as you can about that. Hospice will be important to you. They will be your godsend.

Seek out your pastor or spiritual guide to help you through this. Encourage your husband to as well, no matter how much of a "rock" he seems to be now.

Start now putting together pictures of her from before, pictures of her with the kids, etc. Pick out a lovely portrait of her for people to remember her by. If you can make a power point presentation of her life, you can share that with family and friends and put together a lovely memory table. This act will also help you say goodbye before she goes.

Sometimes nothing helps but DOING. Start - go piece by piece. No matter how hard. It will help.

Sending you strength and clarity and hugs~
Dawn

I'm sorry for the diagnosis. Many times they just don't know how long. People have lived on years more than expected or died in 3 weeks. I think she and FIL should press her doctors for more answers. When our friend was battling lymphoma, he had some frank discussions with his doctors about whether or not the treatment would be good for his quality of life and what did HE want out of it? He decided that once the prognosis was terminal, he wanted to be comfortable, but alert. He wanted to spend time with whoever he could ant not simply be alive. To get through whatever lies ahead, consider finding a cancer support group. Try to be positive and make memories.

Please do not hide it from the children. They don't need the same details as an adult but they need to know. My cousins were told our aunt was sick. My sister and I were told our aunt had cancer. When the aunt passed away, the cousins were shocked. They had no idea. Sis and I had been more prepared.

I do also like the idea of getting power of attorney and making sure he is joint on any accounts where he needs to be. If she has no living will, make one. Get her wishes known.

I know you want to be strong for the kids but don't hold in too much. I know when we went through that with my dad I bottled a lot up and then exploded. The one thing that I can say is that if she does not want chemo after given the info and facts on it support her choice either way. My dad did choose chemo the first two times. After that he decided he'd had enough. Just be there for her that's the best thing you can do. And have your kids spend as much time with her as possible. Also I found that the drs don't tell you everything all at once so just keep that in mind!! It can be very frustrating! I am sending a big hug to you and your entire family!!!

Good luck and God Bless!

Depends. How does she feel about her options? If she is acting strange, you may have only a little time to talk coherently about these things. She needs a liveing will or advanced directive about her wishes. She needs to have everyone she wants on her hippa with all her doctors and any tx places. They will refer you to an oncologist and he will give you options and explain what you can expect as far as time and the effectiveness of tx for this type of CA. Only you know your mil and how she might react, we don't.
Mostly support her in her decisions. Whether she decides to take tx or not. Remember, your H is hurting even if he can't express it. how capable is your FIL? He will prob need help negotiating paperwork and housework, and driving to tx. When your mil feels like telling people tell them and let them love her by doing things to help out. Come up with a list so when people ask how they can help, you have something immediately. Like sit with her or meals ready or driving to the tx. Bless your heart, all this while you are an emotional wreck. Just love on her. You can do this. There are many who have went through this. May God give you all strength.

I'm so sorry.

Stay off of the Internet!
Support your MIL in anyway you can.
This is new.
We expect people, & doctors to LEAP into action, but it doesn't work that way...more visits, more tests, blahdy blobby blah.
Prepare to be AMAZED at how many people are currently battling this awful disease!

Offer to come to dr. visits.
Make food for them.

Love her & just be honest. You don't have to pretend NOT to be terrified and devastated---I'm sure she is, too!
She's the same lady she was the day before diagnosis.
All the best.

Oh, I am so, so sorry! Please don't be afraid to be sad in front of your kids. It's completely healthy to show emotion- as long as you do it in a healthy way (no screaming, swearing, throwing stuff, destructive behavior, etc- I'm sure that you wouldn't lose it like that, this is just a disclaimer).

Love up your MIL and FIL, your husband and your kids. You all need each other now and even if your husband and FIL are rock solid, they are hurting too. It's okay to feel like an emotional wreck. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and cry about our medical situation and my kids come sit on my lap and hug me, no questions asked. Your kids will be able to handle it, trust me.

Hugs to you. Again, I am so sorry. I pray that your MIL will make a full recovery!

I will offer one piece of solid advice. Have your FIL get a medical power of attorney. Yes, I know that as her spouse he should be able to make the decisions for her if she is unable to herself, but I have found that not to be the case.

My best friends dad had a disease that put him in a coma. They would not allow my best friends mom to make any decisions about surgery, medications, etc because he himself was unable to agree. Hello! He was in a coma! It was a complete nightmare for them.

So, I would highly suggest that. Now, it sounds like she has cancer of the adrenal system. That is a toughie, as the cancer can spread quickly. The best thing you can do is be there for your husband and father in law. Then find your best friend and have an emotional break down, cry, let it all out.

You don't have to be a rock or anything like that. It's ok to be sad. Just realize you guys are probably in for a long haul and that all you can do is take one day at a time.

Best of luck to you and yours.

make sure you get a couple second opinions. so you can decide what the BEST way to go would be for your family:

ETA: we just went through this with my grandma, healthy as can be, and she had some bleeding going on and she found out she had uturan cancer, everyone delt with it just fine, except my aunt. my grandma ended up needed a full hysterectamy to stop the cancer from spreading, and her dr suggested she go through LIGHT radiation 5-10 min a day 5 days a week for 5 weeks, to MAKE SURE the cancer was 100% gone even though it didnt spread, my aunt would NOT even talk about it, she acted like it didnt exist. worst thing to do. make yourself avaliable for your husband, FIL, MIL SIL BIL to talk to.

I am so sorry to hear about your MIL health situation. I would agree with others that it's very important to get a 2nd opinion and then take decisions from there. It sounds as if the cancer may have started in her lungs and moved to her brain - a common second site for primary lung cancer.

My father died from lung cancer last year. He was diagnosed in March and died in August. Those months were spent aggresively going after the cancer with radiation, chemo and then surgery to try to remove as much of the tumor as possible. Things were looking very bright for a while, but things took a quick turn for the worse following surgery. My point in relaying his story is to share that doctors cannot pinpoint life span. We were told that it was very likely he'd be with us for at least two more years and he only made it 5 months. We have questioned all of the procedures he underwent to try to lengthen his life wondering if those months would have been better spent just living life. It's hard to say and those decisions are very personal.

I would also say that it's important for your kids to be informed about grandma. Not every little detail but kids know when something big is going on and they deserve not to be shut out. For your own sanity, you need to be able to express your emotions around them as well. They will learn that families pull together in tough times and that it's okay to feel sad. My daughters were all very close to my dad and losing him was extremely painful for them. We had lots of discussions about cancer and tried to foster a collective feeling of hope and love for Papa. They visited him in the hospital and often asked me "Is papa going to die?" Through my own tears and pain, we spoke candidly about his situation and answered their questions as best as we could. They often needed reassurance that I was okay and that their dad was okay too.

I don't know how old your kids are but they will process this whole situation in their own way but you have to give them the tools. Trying to shield them, while noble, isn't going to be healthy for anyone.

Best wishes as you begin this road with your MIL and all of your family. You are in my thoughts and I am wishing for hopeful news!

You know, this is a part of life and you will get through this and having your sweet children around to love on you and hug you when you feel it the worst, is probably the best for you. You can cry in front of them and with them.

I want to ditto Yarmatey....everything she said, is what I would state.

Unfortunately, for families not 'in the know', or in the field of medicine, ER's do not give out prognosis'. They diagnosed a very serious condition, they do not treat such conditions. So it's not within their realm to tell you specifics. Unfortunately, your MIL's cancer sounds advanced since it has metastasized to the brain. This is not good and you will probably be looking at much shorter life span.

Since the cancer has spread to the brain, it's important to be seen by a Neuro-Surgeon who specializes in oncology. Because, if the tumor could safely be removed from the brain, then this will increase your MIL's chances at a longer life. Many cancers that have seeded in the brain are operable, and many are not. A Neuro-Surgery team can clearly layout the pros and cons of such an invasive procedure.

And ditto the Medical Power of Attorney and setting up a living will, if she is still lucid enough.

We are all very sorry for your family's health and medical crisis. It seems unbearable and tragic right now. Give yourself and family a lot of patience and love to do what is best for all.

My prayers for your MIL and family right now. I don't know if I can tell you how to act, but Id be conscious to keep my concerns and feelings to myself or my husband. Your MIL has enough going on just taking care of herself and processing this news it is a lot to also ask her to comfort you (not that you are - just something to be careful). If it were my MIL I'd do whatever she asked. Tell her how important she is and that she has been there for me and it is time for me to show her how much I appreciate that and that today and until she says she doesn't need it - Im there for her (then I'd tell my FIL the same).
Re: next steps of diagnosis. That takes time. It isn't like we see on TV shows where they say "you have cancer and 5 months to live" they will have to run tests and no treatment plan will be put into place until your MIL has decided on an oncologist. Since she is still getting second opinions, etc it may be a while before a treatment plan is put together.

Hang in there!!!

With adenocarcinoma it generally starts in glandular tissue (most often lung or colon) and then metasticizes to the brain. If you know what stage she is in and where it originated you can do some research into survival rates and common treatment plans.

When you go to her second opinion appointment, take a list of questions with you. Or contact the original doctor and ask whatever questions you have. Since they have given you options, you could ask if MIL goes with option number 1, what is the survival rate, what does the treatment entail, etc. Likewise with option number 2.

We can't and shouldn't hide from children the fact that sometimes life is upsetting. You are allowed to be emotional and upset. It actually helps children to see this from adults...they don't feel so alone when it happens to them, as it will from time to time.

Remember that your MIL needs to be consulted on what it is she wants to do. If she isn't lucid enough to make medical decisions then it is time for a Medical Power of Attorney.

This is hard, scary news. Be honest with your family that you are scared for her and that you love her. Then just be there. If you have a minister, call him or her, or if your MIL has a minister call that person. The hospital will have a social worker that you could contact and ask her/him. This is something they help families deal with everyday. Give your family smiles, hugs and love them through this scary time.

prayers to you & your family.

stay focused on living as a family, be supportive, & remember to embrace/release your emotions. Bottling it up is not conducive to coping.

Peace be with you.

I am so sorry to hear this for you! I hate Cancer! I agree with whoever said to get a living will and an advance directive in place. She needs to preplan everything while she is able to just in case the unthinkable happens.
You need to calm yourself. There is nothing you can do but be as loving and supportive as possible to her. Offer to do some things around the house, run errands, grocery store shopping, pay bills, etc..Bring her pretty flowers. My mother passed several years ago and when she was alive she always said she wanted flowers while she was living so that she could enjoy them.
Again I am so sorry for the news. Please understand that the doctors and care providers do not want to give your family or MIL false hopes and promises for cures. It is indeed a very aggressive cancer. Whatever her decision be, I pray she be at peace and without pain.

Your MIL has just been diagnosed. She is going to have to go through all sorts of additional tests and even then they might not want to say "how long". They have to determine the root of the cancer and see what treatments will work. There could be an adjustment of treatment depending on how she tolerates it and the aggressiveness of the cancer. They really can't answer all the questions right now because they just don't know.

I'm not familiar with your area, but Houston has some of the most top notch cancer hosptials, one is MD Anderson.

Medical power of attorney is a must for you MIL to give to your FIL or your husband if she doesn't think her husband will be emotionally able to make decisions. Your family is about to get a up close and personal view of the medical profession and learn a new language. Be sure to take a notebook to the appointment. Write down all the information. Don't be afraid to ask questions, ANY question. No question is stupid.

I'm so sorry for your family. This doesn't mean a death sentence. Listen to what the doctors say. I know that at MD Anderson they treat the patient and the family. The family is encouraged to go into therapy to help deal with the stress of the diagnoses and prognoses. I will keep your family in my thoughts!

I'm so sorry!
Whatever you do, you have to keep it together. My brother was diagnosed with cancer in March. It used to infuriate me that people would call my brother crying hysterically. We, on the other hand, were trying to be positive and supportive for him. Those people just undid all our efforts it seemed.
The best thing you can to do help is keep a positive attitude. I have found it's what the cancer patient needs more than anything else. If you can't keep your emotions in check, don't go around your MIL until you can do so.
My brother ended up passing away in August, but not from cancer. You just never know what will happen in the end, so keep that chin up for everyone's sake.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Cancer is always a word we don't want to hear. This is a glandular cancer so I don't know what treatment, if any, would be given but just be there for her and don't be afraid to talk with her about it if she wants to. My dad had colon cancer and died almost to the day they told him but during the time he was able to get around he talked about it and with us and it was one of the most wonderful times with him. Hospice was so great and such a help so if you will need them don't hesitate to get them and let them help. Others suggested a lawyer to be sure things are in order if you need that. It'll be a hard time but you'll have your family and all of you to be together and share in this time with your MIL too. When my dad died my mother and I were with him at home so you need to be sure of your MIL's wishes on that too. Home or hospital, etc.

I think once she has been to a cancer treatment center they will have more information for you.

My MIL found out the Monday before Christmas that she had small cell cancer on her liver. It is the most aggressive kind and moves very quickly. She started chemo but caught a stomach flu in the spring and was hospitalized for a week. She was never strong enough to do chemo after that. I believe that if she had been going to a good cancer treatment place that she would have had a better chance.

I pray that you receive good news from the docs. I know how hard it is. I loved my MIL with my whole heart and miss her every day. I know you will make it through all that will come with treatment. You sound like you really care about her. That's a good thing for her.

really sorry to hear this. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your MIL....how nice!!!

Now this is HER call - no one else's but HERS - she should get a living will and a power of attorney set up so that if/when it gets bad - HER wishes will be met.

Your husband and FIL might be rock solid now - but when that 2nd opinion comes in and they don't like the news - they might not be so strong. You need to be prepared for the worst.

May God Bless and keep you. This won't be easy. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS...

You might want to contact the Burzynski Clinic. Dr. Burzynski has developed an amazing non-toxic treatment. It's so good that big Pharma and the medical industry have been trying to take him down for decades...because he holds all the patents. It's an antineoplaston treatment, which is now in clinical trials.

http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/personalized-treatments.html

http://burzynskipatientgroup.org/

http://www.mdanderson.org/