Cancer Patients and the Family That Loves Them

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They helped so much when my friend was diagnosed.. She had stage 3 when 1st diagnosed.. 30% chance of recovery.. She did everything they threw at her..

It is tough being the person with cancer.. Lots of personal concerns and also a lot of concerns about their family members.

But he is dealing with his truth right now.. it will take him time to process what is happening and what could come.. He may also know a lot he is not sharing..

I know my mom drives me crazy when I am ill.. She asks a million questions, offers things she "has heard will work", brings over food, I told her I cannot eat.

she sighs, she makes suggestions. I just like to be left alone when I am ill.

Yes, she is just being a mom and i know she just wants to help. But she is the last person I want around when I am sick..

Big hugs.

STRONG recommendation for Cancer Patient Family Counseling. Your mum may feel old hat at this, which may be part of the problem. Because people "deal" differently. When a person is 'new' to something, they generally take someone at their word... But when they've been there themselves, it's hard not to bulldoze over someone else's differing needs.

To use a totally imiginary example... Your mom may have felt very lonely, and wanted to be around loved ones as much as possible. If her son is the opposite, and wants time alone, she'd remember how lonely she felt when alone, and ignore what he's asking for, in preference to her own memories of what she wanted.

It's a whole different ball game when it's you, and when it's someone you love.

Sorta like parenting (and how we all do things differently, and the frictions that develop).

Like I said TOTALLY imiginary scenario above, but family counseling (not something that everyone goes to, but set up specifically for family members of cancer patients), might help your mom a lot.

Keep in mind, too, that mom may be being PERFECT in every way, but bro just wants to snap at strangers instead of loved ones. Or feels okay ignoring staff/friends, but feels obligated to be "on" when it's family. It could be any one of a hundred, a thousand, things. No ones "fault" just bro's needs right now.

Your brother is telling your mom what he wants. She needs to respect that or it will just push him away. When I'm sick (and granted, I've never been as sick as your brother is) I do not want anyone around me. My husband always wants to hover, and it drives me crazy and makes me think he doesn't respect me and what I need.

When my mom had cancer, she wanted someone through her first round of chemo, so my aunt and Grandmother went and stayed with her. After that, she wanted to do it on her own, so we let her. Your mom needs to listen to what HE wants, not what SHE wants.

I'm so sorry, I feel for you and your whole family. I can understand where your brother is coming from - he probably doesn't like anyone seeing him this vulnerable and maybe she is really coming on strong, completely understandably - she wants to help her son!

Maybe she can call him and not talk about cancer at all. Just talk to him as though he were perfectly healthy, about the boring, daily stuff and problems that those of us with good health take for granted. This may be what he needs - not dwelling on the illness, but taking his mind off of it, feeling normal again.

She may actually be making him feel MORE sick by dwelling on it and it's just too much for him to take, as he's certainly struggling with his own mortality.

Your Mother really needs to respect his wishes and be there for him in whatever capacity he wants. He is right...this is not about her feelings...it is about his recovery. I understand her being hurt, but he is a grown man and entitled to his wishes. It sounds like because your mother is scared that she is absolutely smothering him. The more he pushes back, the worse she gets.

I am so sorry your family is going through this.

It really is about your brother, and not your mother. As a mom I would want to be there for my child, but respect their wishes if they didn't. It may be easier for him to deal with having his friend as a caregiver, rather than a relative, especially someone as close as a mom.

Your mother should get into a support group to help her deal with her feelings, not try to change his. Life as you, she, and your brother know it may never be "normal" again, perhaps this IS the new normal.

Yes, cancer sucks big time :(

It's hard to be a mom.

Have you been in touch with his friend (caregiver), maybe he could give you a more unemotional detailed scoop on the matter.

I know when my husband isn't feeling well, the last person he wants to talk to is his mom. Good sons don't like to worry their mothers.

My sons are the same with me, I dont know anything is wrong unless my DIL sons G/F tells me.

It's part of the male makeup. The more mom TRIES to get info from him the more upset he will get. I'd tell your mom to just send him a funny card now and then and to make him know that she is okay with it all, make him laugh, don't make him feel pressurized that MOTHER needs to know what's going on. He needs to know that Mom is ok, it will help him heal.

You have my thoughts and prayers.

Your mom remembers what she went through and is trying to comfort her son in his hour(s) of need. However, your brother her son has a different thought or feel for what he is experiencing. He is trying to cope with the fear of not being here in his own way. He is dealing with the pain and his anger at what is going on in his body and he can't control the outcome. People do lash out and that is what he is doing to your mom. Mom is offended by what son is doing to her and she is in pain for feeling alone and lost and not being able to comfort him. A good friend went through this scenario with her sister and it did cause a beak in their relationship.

Counseling would be great for both of you.

Your listening is good. Just keep your comments to yourself. Try to find a way to enjoy the time that he does have and do memorable and positive things. The doctors may have told him somethings that is not ready to deal with and this is why the friend is there as the caregiver.

Please take pictures and make up a book of memories for you and your family. Know that you have done the best you can and let it go.

Cancer changes priorities and people's - family's lives.

My best to you all.

The other S.
Cancer Survivor 15 years and going strong
Caregiver to husband for years and still going strong

When my mother was first diagnosed, she was already ill with another strange disease that caused her marrow to not produce blood correctly. I stayed with her through most of that, since my family couldnt find the time or the money to travel for where she had to be. She was very appreciative, and we bonded more in that time than ever. Then about 6 months after she was diagnosed with Liver Cancer. I again did all that I could to do be there for her, taking her to appointments and chemo, and surgeries I sat for hours with her. Again we never had bad words, got alot off our chests, felt like we got even MORE closer. Then I met my 2nd husband and had a baby. While there was some anger with my situation I thought we were tight. Then her cancer came back viciously when my daughter was about 8 months old. We had gone to a family Thanksgiving, out of town, and we were sharing a hotel room. She wasnt feeling well, and I just knew that she was sick again. I told her to immediately go to Mayo when we got home. Sure enough, it had come back. She was back on chemo again, but this time she wanted nothing to do with me or my daughter really. My oldest sister had moved back home after a divorce, and she only wanted her to do the work. It was breaking my heart. I wanted her to spend some time with my daughter. We were all told that this time my mother was not likely to beat it.
So about a week before Dec came, she fell terribly ill, her liver failed, due to an unknown tumor blocking her bile duct. We rushed to be by her side, and she was rude and angry with me the entire time I was there, until they gave her medications. Then she was too loopy to make much sense. I never was able to find out why she was the way she was since she never regained consciousness after her surgery. My oldest sister, said she thought it was because she didnt want my daughter, as young as she was, to spend so much time in a hospital. She felt that I had done enough earlier and it was time for me to focus on my family and not her. She just didnt understand that she was my mom and I WANTED to care for her. So sometimes the cancer sufferers may be thinking things we just dont understand, their mortality just messes with everything in there heads. Give him his space, mom can come at any time she is needed.

First of all, my prayers for your family, because cancer is a horrible, horrible thing. I hate it.

My brother was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in 2008, so my family knows a little about this kind of thing. Your Mom has survived cancer twice, but that does NOT mean that she knows exactly how your brother feels. Everyone handles these things differently, and every type of chemo and radiation affects cancer patients in different ways. Maybe this is is his way of protecting his mother. Cancer tears a person down to the bare bones, physically and emotionally. I bet he doesn't want anybody to see him like that. I know that I wouldn't.

On the other hand, I know that, as his mother, she wants to be there for him. I cannot imagine being pushed away from one of my kids in such a time. In fact, I'm pretty positive that I wouldn't listen to him, and I'd be there anyway. I'm pretty positive my mother wouldn't let me push her away. I can't imagine the anguish she is feeling.

The reality is that she is going to have to respect his wishes. He is fighting for his life. Let him do it the way he feels he needs to. This is truly about him. Make it all about him. The best thing is to give him what he wants.

My DH's cousin closed herself off and only wanted to see her partner at the end of her life. It was so hard for her family to be confronted with this (and the partner was very "ha ha, I win" about it) but I think she wanted to spare them some really unpleasant events.

Is your brother the type to find his own solutions? Is he independent to a fault? Does he rely on friends over family? Maybe some of that is coming into play. It can be hard to be the "child" and with a friend you can still be an equal. Maybe he doesn't want her to see him helpless or he feels like he can't be honest - even though she's been through it before, she may be projecting vs what he's really feeling.

Your mom may also seek out another outlet - like counseling for herself or a support group. In fact, counseling might be good for him, too.

Men often do not like to feel helpless and it can make them angry to be stuck. It may be that his friend, being a man (right?) can better understand this than his mom, so your brother chooses him. And maybe he feels like he's giving something to the friend vs just taking from his mom. Etc. Hard to say. My DH said, when his friend was dying of cancer, "If I'm ever in that position, lie to me. Tell me I look great and we'll go for a run in the morning." Maybe he can't escape thinking about cancer with Mom around.

If you know he knows what he needs, maybe tell him that. Show support for his choices.

I am so sorry to hear your news. I lost my sister to colon cancer in 2009. It is very difficult for everyone when there is a diagnosis of cancer.
I think your brother's behavior is normal for any man suffering from such a serious illness. My husband has end stage heart disease. He is listed on the heart transplant list and is forever going to the doctor for check ups. His mother, a retired RN, worries the heck out of him. She isn't being intrusive. It is simply his reaction to her worry. Other times, he really needs her and asks for her company and assistance. She'll go with him to the doctor this week since I need to get our daughter regestered for school. He asked.
Your mother may have to back off a bit and let him reach out when he needs her next. As long as he knows she is there and she occasionally reminds him, then that will help. He will reach out when ready.
Your family is in my prayers.