I would recommend looking into Julie King. She is a parent educator in Marin who conducts workshops addressing just these types of issues. She is excellent for parents of both "spirited" and lower key kids. Here is a link to her page: http://www.julieking.org/index.htm
Just so you know, I have no personal, professional, or financial affiliation with Julie. I took a one-day workshop she gave and was very impressed. Not only does she give specific techniques, but also, through role plays with other parents, she allows you to practice these techniques and understand why they are effective and why some of the typical advice we are given can have undesired consequences. I took her class about a year ago, and her techniques continue to work. When I end up having a tough time with my son, I usually realize that, in the heat of the moment, I have forgotten to use Julie's techniques.