Can My Marriage Be Saved?

After my ex cheated the first time I never really trusted him again. That is not to say I couldn't have got the trust back if he never cheated again but he kept on cheating so I will never know.

www.survivinginfidelity.com They have several different boards, Just Found Out, General, Wayward (for the cheaters), Reconciling (those stories you're looking for), Divorcing, New Beginnings (life after divorce).

Yes, your marriage can be saved if you want it to be.

Should you try and save your marriage? YES, of course. I only know of one man that never made a mistake, and I celibrate his birthday around Christmas every year.

See the movie, "Fireproof", and get its companion book, "The Love Dare". I'm on day 13,000+. Watch the movie with your husband. Get him "The Love Dare" too!

Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will give you great insite into men. Follow what it says. Have your husband read it too. It will help him understand you.

Good luck to you and yours.

Take full advantage of the counseling sessions. Have some where the therapist meets individually with each of you then some where the 2 of you are together. I think it will help you work through your feelings and find the solution to this question. Knowing he has been with someone else is traumatic but it he is really honest and is really trying and you want to try then you can get past it. I don't know how long it will take but if you find, through the sessions, that you do want to save your marriage then you'll have new skills/tools to help you with the "getting over it/ putting it int he past".

Hi. I didn't go through this myself, but I've known a couple who did and they actually did end up with a stronger marriage when it was over. They went through tons of counseling and were completely honest with each other and basically started from scratch again. They dedicated more time with each other - had dates, etc. to rebuild the relationship. They even renewed their marriage vows on their anniversary to make a fresh start. One of the key things was finding out what really caused the affair to start with and address that issue. Your husband may not even really realize the reason without having some discussions with a counselor to uncover them. You both need one-on-one time with a counselor to figure out your feelings and time together with the marriage counselor to work through everything. I would recommend not making any sudden decisions. Give it some time and let your head clear.

First off I'm sooo sorry you are going through this!!!

My ex husband did this to me - not once, not twice but several times...he didn't have an excuse - he felt entitled to have multiple partners and he couldn't use the excuse he wasn't getting it at home as we had a very healthy sex life...he came home one day telling me he had fallen in love with her and wanted to have more kids with her...I told him to go - have at it...he came back a month later as the grass wasn't greener....

He couldn't keep his junk in his pants and when he couldn't, he couldn't be bothered to put a helmet on it so I told him he wasn't worth my life...we were married almost 9 years..

We tried to make it work for 2 years after he fell in love...but unlike your husband - my ex didn't change or acknowledge fault...I think you have a good chance to succeed as he's made changes and is trying!! This is a good thing!!

I do know your feelings - some days are good - some days aren't...The hard part is to forgive...not forget but forgive...not hold it over his head....that's hard because you are hurt..the hardest? is the trust...not just because he broke your wedding vows but because he broke your trust!!! One day a time sweetie - one day at a time!!

I don't have personal experience or even any suggestions...just wanted to send you hugs and support. I really don't know what i would do in your shoes. It would be a devastating, horrible thing to go through! I think it's admirable that you are considering working it out. If you pray, I think I would be doing that a lot about now trying to figure out what the right thing is to do. For sure, if he cheated again - DONE, get divorced. But if he's really sorry, I can see trying to make it work. But that heartache and pain...so painful. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))

For me, it would be a deal breaker. Not because I don't think we wouldn't ever love again, but life is short, and laying in bed each night to go to sleep, always feeling unsure, always questioning myself, and him, would be a hard long life. The trust is gone. If the trust is gone, what is left? It's a sensitive subject. People will tell you "once and cheater, always a cheater". That may or may not be true. I believe people can redeem themselves. But let his actions answer your question -"Can my marriage be saved?". Where he is mentally, and what he is willing to do, will speak to you. Just sit back, and see what he brings. Aside from that, do extra things for yourself. You are a woman who is "broken" right now. Glue yourself together and do the things you love.

I think you put your finger on the problem when you wrote that your life has been consumed by this.

Your feelings are NOT unusual. They are very, very typical.

But some people do go through this crisis and come out of it alive and... still married. So I'm glad you're going to see a counselor.

I'm assuming you will be talking to that counselor together; if you also want to talk with him/her privately, ask for a private session. Prepare to work hard. Marriage is important, and saving it can be a battle for both parties in many ways. But it is worthwhile.

If you were ill, would you decide in advance whether you were going to live or die before you went to the doctor? You might think about doing just that! But when it came down to it, you'd be sensible and willing to work with the expert. Give your marriage a chance to live, too. It might happen.

Right now your fears are running you. But as somebody once said (and I'm not sure who - it's attributed to Andrew Jackson, Stonewall Jackson, George Patton, and Robert E. Lee!), "Never take the counsel of your fears." Go a day at a time. Go an hour or even fifteen minutes at a time, if necessary! Keep doing the things you're doing for yourself, too. That will help. Praying for you.

Here are my two survival stories.

One of my family members had a spouse who got emotionally involved with someone over the internet. The spouse decided to leave for this new person and even moved out for several months. After awhile they were able to make things work and I honestly have to say that they are in a much better place than before. The affair made both of them realize that the other person had other options and that they both needed to continue to work to keep the other person feeling needed to.

One of my close friends in high school married young and was pregnant with their second child when she found out about her hubby's 5 year affair with a much older woman. He confessed in her 5th month of a very complicated pregnancy. She obviously had some serious emotional and depression issues to deal with, but she decided to stay with him. She made the decision early on to keep the affair quiet from her family to avoid their interference and judgement should they work it out. They went to counseling and it helped him deal with some past emotional issues that he had from childhood. It is 6 years later and they have another son and are very happy and stable.

The way I see it there are three main factors that decide if you guys can work through this or not are:
Can you forgive him and move past the affair (eventually)?
How hard are you willing to work to fix it?
How hard is he willing to work to fix it?

Good luck and I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.

as a marriage and family therapist, with 25 years experience in teaching marriage education classes, I disagree a bit with others who have recommended you do individual therapy first. The research says that increases the risk of divorce, as many individual therapists are not trained to help marriages. Instead, find a good marriage therapist - I know your area may be limited in choices (I'm in Denver). Some really excellent books: After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughn.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Well clearly now your husband really knows what's at stake and what he's about to lose...and he doesn't want that to happen. I can't speak from experience on this, but if I were you I'd keep up your exercise, take the kids (alone) to do something fun this weekend, and try to put it out of your mind a little bit. Go to the session on Tuesday with an open mind and see where it takes you. If you decide to give him a shot, you can always change your mind later if you later decide you can't get past it. Also you'll need to get to the real source behind what made him stray in the first place. Good luck to you.

I think it's awesome that your husband wants to preserve the marriage. I would have given anything to hear that at one time. By saving your marriage you will spare yourself and your children years of grief. However, you must make it absolutely clear to your husband that this is his last chance. He gets one do-over - no more. Some men can't change, while others just make a one-time mistake.
I recommend Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. It's a classic book about how to handle this with healthy boundaries and self-respect.
God bless you!
L.
http://susannasapron.blogspot.com/

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Before I had kids I said I would never tolerate this.
After going through a separation and being my kids 1/2 the time.......I think I would stay and try to work it out.
-Counseling
-Looking for proof hubby had actually changed
-Again, I'd only stay for the kids.
Growing up my parents started having problems.
I told them they should get a divorce.
Looking back, I'm so glad they didn't.
I would have hated having to spend half my time w/another family.
Now I see why they stuck it out. People will say it set a bad example for me. That can be true but I also believe you can have parents that had a good marriage but you as a grown person, cannot seem to hold a healthy relationship.
While you don't ever want to be a doormat, I believe there are some relationships that can be saved w/a lot of work (couples counseling, counseling just for yourself).
It's worth a try if nothing else! I wish you well!!!

You firstly need to take care of yourself. Go to private counseling first and foremost before you start marriage counseling. That way when you do marriage counseling you have your strength to go through it. Private counseling will help you with all the questions and help with the why and what to do. It will also help to start to build your boundaries, and help with some confidence in yourself. You are an amazing strong woman who deserves the best. You deserve to be respected, loved and treated with integrity. If he has cheated more than 1 time and you told yourself then that that was it.. Stick to your guns. You don't have to do that in 5 minutes, take your time. Past behavior predicts future behavior unless a miraculous change can occur and sometimes change cannot occur unless someone decides to break the cycle. Family is important, but it is important for your children to know that you don't and won't put up with disrespect. Hugs and prayers to you!

Oh honey I am soooo sorry! HUGS!
From your previous posts I see he has done this to you before.
I don't know how you managed to forgive him the first time. My X did it to me and it was the hardest thing ever to deal with. I couldn't stay with him I was constantly feeling crappy about myself and couldn't get the images out of my head. I don't know what to tell you to do. All I can say is that you need to do what is right for you and your children.
I am here if you ever need to talk.
Again *HUGS*