Brother Problems

Hi J.
thank you for taking the time and energy to "save" your brother. It is always a difficult situation when you try to blend families- and your case is no different. It looks like your brother is trying to "make his place" with the two younger ones and is in desperate need of love and affection. Family discussions on behavior wouldl help. Let him know his behavior is not appreciated but that you still love him and want him to be a part of the family. also, be sure your children do not take the back seat to your brother. If after a little while of family discussions and careful watching of the three, you do not see a difference I would suggest some professional help.
There are agencies out there that can provide this for you at little or no cost.
Thanks again for coming to the rescue of your brother.
Good luck and blessings

Does he have a job? He's 18, he's definitly old enough to help especially if y'all are footing the bill for him to live w/you. It's great that you want to help but it sounds like he's a handfull & a bit immature even at 18. What I'd to is explain that he has to start contributing to the household, he needs to start making his own way so that he can be on his own. If he needs job training and college is out of the question, even technical school or jr. college, Job Corps is a great program which helps young adults to learn new job skills & possible help him get a good job. Sounds like his behavior stems from bad parenting & he's just acting that way b/c he may be feeling insecure so he feels bullying will make him feel better about himself but that's the wrong thing to do. Believe me, I went through the same thing growing up but I did grow & mature & got out of behaving like a brat because I got away from that bad environment. I would talk WITH him but not AT him, meaning, just sit down with him with your husband too & just explain that you have a new opportunity for him & let him know about Job Corps or help him get into technical school or some kind of training, explain that it's time that he start making his way on his own but let him know that y'all are here for him & will help in anyway (like allow him to stay w/you as long as he gets a job or job training) til he can get on his own but set a goal, for instance he has to be out on his own in 6 months, and stick to it....if you don't set a goal he may never grow or mature or even get out on his own or worse, turn to drugs & bad influences b/c he has nothing to do or any goal to work towards. Help him reach that goal. He's growing into adulthood & will need to learn skills to be on his own, how to manage money, how to cook, wash clothes (if he doesn't already know these things). Let him know that this is the plan & you do want to help & see him succeed. So many families are not there for each other anymore but let him know that he is loved and appreciated and you don't want to see him end up like a lot of kids in the same situation, they usually turn to drugs, gangs or other bad influences and just keep letting him know he's above that, he's so much better than that. A lot of cases like his need more reinforcement because they've heard the opposit for so long that they start to believe the bad things they hear about themselves but he's better than that & needs to hear that often. All in all, though, he really needs to start being on his own. Best of luck & I hope these suggestions help!

That was very nice of you to take in your little brother, however your children come first. Tell your brother in a very stern voice to stop that behavior or he will have to move back home with his parents.
It does not take long until your kids will be emtional damaged because of your brothers behavior.

Hi J.,
Sorry to hear that you have parents that aren't any good at parenting.That was nice of you to take your brother in.
Maybe you should sit w/him and discuss house rules that need to be followed and give him the option to follow them or find somewhere else to live.Once you set these rules stick by them and if he doesn't follow them out he goes.Tough Love can be hard but he is eighteen and needs to start to think about a job and a future for himself.You made your family w/ your husband and kids and you shouldn't have to be raising another one nor do your boys have to live w/some one picking on them on a daily basis.You shouldn't feel bad about what hes going to do if he doesn't abide by the rules, hes eighteen and should have some responsibility.There are programs out there like Job Corp or the armed forces that can give him direction.You just have to give him that little push he needs to get himself on the ball.Its up to you to bring peace into your home.
What happens in ones life is up to what we allow.

Hi J., I suspect your brother is jealous of your boys because they have a loving caring mother. You even go the extra mile to care for him. Though he is well taken care of, he probably is sad that he is not being cared for by his own mother in his own home. That may make him feel like something is wrong with him that his own mother doesn't love and care for him the way you do for your boys. Even though it is not reasonable he may be angry that you are parenting him better than his own mother. Plus that makes you a parent to him, not a sister. It would be great if he could recognize the blessing that he has in all this but I think he needs to talk to somebody about how angry he is. People in pain often take it out on the ones they love the most because they know their family will not desert them even when they behave badly. Also perhaps this is a display of sibling rivalry. Maybe he thinks that is how a big brother would treat his younger brothers. Get him some counseling somewhere. Often churches have counseling available. You are in a tight spot trying to do the best by your whole family. Kudos to you!

Sounds like he needs guidance. Find time each day to talk to him -- maybe after your kids go to bed. Tell him what he did great and then tell him where to improve, keep is positive and upbeat. Every time he does something good praise him. When he does something wrong let him know but don't degrade him. Make him feel important and part of the family. Give him chores like your kids.

"Since you are a part of this family you will follow the same rules. Everyone is treated the same."

Tough love might have to happen.

You can do it!

ok, I think it would be a good idea to take your brother into a private area, away from the children, and let him know how it makes you feel when he acts this way toward your children. Then let him know you love him and want to help him but if this behavior continues you won't be able to allow him to stay with you. Be prayerful, the Lord will guide you. I hope this helps. Remember that even though you love him, your children have to come first. They are not adults yet and are relying on you to protect them. Your brother may not act like an adult, but he is and can go out and get a job and a place of his own. Your children can't.

J.,

Kudos to you for lookin gout for family. If your parents aren't the greatest examples then you are going to have to re-teach your brother how to act around decent folk. He just needs some firm guidance. You should also explain to him that as an 18 year old there is no need for jealousy. Let him know that while he is your brother and you love him but if a situation arises you WILL choose your children over him. Let him know that if he wants to live with you he needs to straighten up. Give him a list of three things to work on about himself. He may need some professional counseling as well. Good luck to you. I have been there, thankfully before I had kids of my own. You are in my prayers. CB

I found being honset is the best way to deal with things like this. Take out all emotions (as much as possible) and be honest in a very factual way to him. Sit down with him alone and let him know that he is an adult, not your dependent and you expect him to act like one. You love him and have opened your home to him, but you are not going to be the only one who is giving. He needs to step up and give some back and that means not acting like a child, but an adult. Tell him it is rude when he talks down to you and your family and you want it to stop. Explain that within your house is your families safe zone and nobody should feel uncomfortable or harrassed in their safe zone. That means no verbal or physical violence of any kind. No negotiations on this. He needs to respect you in your own house and your famliy members. Don't get into all the family emotional garbage. Just let him know this is what you need from him and let him know that he has the choice to step up and give you what you need or not and that it is his choice, but choices always have consequences. You then have to decide what the consequences are. Have him start paying rent and charge for meals or find another place to live. It's a bit of tough love, but whenever you bring in another person into a home regardless of age there is always a transition and each member has to find where they belong in the unit. He may be acting out because he doesn't feel very confident in his place within your household. You read about foster kids acting out to see how far the parents will let them go before kicking them out. They use it as a test of love. Anyway, hope this helps you but you teach people how to treat you, so if you allow him to continue, then you are condoning his behavior. Now remember respect goes both ways, so you may want to clue in your kids that they need to respect your brother as well. Hope it all works out for you in the end.

He is eighteen. An adult. Let him know that he could better spend his time looking for work to get out on his own. You need to let him know that your kids are your problem not his. He is his own problem and needs to have a deadline to accomplish something more than just being an extra kid for you to deal with.

Make a list of things that you expect of him.

His behaviors, his household chores, his future plans and his attitude.

Then sit down with him and have a talk with him. Tell him how it is going to be in your home. Tell him, you know he can do all of this, but you wanted to put it in writing so that there is no confusion.

Tell him he is older than his "nephews" and they are not used to being teased and picked on. This behavior must stop since he is now a young man.

Then speak with him about what you perceive as jealousy and see if you can get to the root of this..

Is he still in school? Does he have a job? what will he be doing in the fall?

Help him make his own plan and ask him how you can help him get started. Tell him that he has nothing to prove in this home. You are a family and will always love him. You may be disappointed or upset, but you will always love him if he doing his best.

I am sending you strength and patience.. A house full of men... I am also praying that you keep your sanity! You are a stronger woman than me.

I think you need to sit your brother down and set some rules. He also needs to understand he's the uncle and shouldn't be jealous of them. He should enjoy being more of a friend. Hopefully sitting him down and discussing rules and being an uncle will work. You also need to have consequences for breaking the rules up to being kicked out. Good Luck

J., Bless you for being so loving to your brother. I concur with the advice of many of the other responders. Sit down in a quiet place, just you two, and share your thoughts about what is working, not working...and set expectations with him - his behavior, his working, his helping around the house, etc... Try and get him connected with a church group or other support group that can help give him positive role models besides yourself. Share with him how careful he needs to be in choosing his friends. Have him take some school and work (maybe he's already doing this???), to keep him busy and focused. See if he can get connected with a mentor from church, from other family members, so it's not all on your shoulders. And most of all, God bless you and give you grace, mercy and guidance....