I need some advice on what to do when you want to break-up with your best friend.
My friend that I have been friends with for the last 10 years (pre marriage and children) now lives 4 hours away. She has for children (one school age, two 4 1/2 yr olds, and one nearly 3 yr old, plus her husband). We rarely talk, if you even want to call it that because she screaming at her kids in the car when she does call. I feel like we don't have anything in common other then being SAHM's. I love her like a sister but think its time to move on. Here the scenario and you can give me your opinions. By the way I have a 2 1/2 yr old and husband as well.
This has happened 2 yrs in a row:
She calls sometime in June to ask if they could come and visit us at the end of July. Her family lives near here but she cant stand to stay with them because of smoke and room issues. She will then call back to either say she is on her way (no warning or reminder) or she will be here with-in x hours. They show up at around mid-night and expect my husband to unload their car and children then we end up talking a bit (about herself and her parenting ways and how fantastic she is). So its 2:am and I have be the one to say goodnight. We go to sleep while they get on our computer and shop, etc... I wake up to the sound of her kids screaming and tearing up the place while she sleeps and her husband is watching TV. I am expected to make a huge breakfast (she brings a cooler of snacks and drinks for her family which she leaves in my kitchen) and clean up. By the time I'm done I ready to get in the shower but they are dressed ready for the day and she wants me to entertain them by bringing them somewhere (park, pool or whatever). It has to be something they can't do at home like go to Chuck E Cheese. By 2 or 3 my son and I are ready to go home and he needs his nap and lunch. She usually wants me to stay longer, take them to lunch or make it, or leave them there and we leave by ourselves. By 7 its dinner time and we have to plan dinner again I'm expected to make dinner and desert. By the time I am done cleaning up from that it 9 or 10. She usually will start getting the kids in the tub and ready for bed. She sits them on the couch with a cup of choc milk and a long movie. The kids finally go to sleep and now its midnight. Then she starts talking about herself and what wonderful mom she is. Then she picks on me and be-littles me and try's to get my husband in on it. If I get up set at my husband she apologizes to him for getting him into trouble.
This goes on for "5" days. She acts trashy and snooty at the same time. Her kids are always dressed to the T, but they are horrible. Screaming and hitting and rude. Running around the house jumping on furniture with dirty hands (in the middle of dinner). They are disrespectful to me, my son and husband with burping, passing gas, talking back and hitting us. She yelled at my neighbor for driving to fast while her kids played in the middle of the street. She went next door to see my other neighbors brand new baby (which I haven't seen) posing as me while I put my son to bed. Once, I ran an errand to come home to find her in my master shower (I have 3 showers) using my shower stuff (I don't think she brought anything for herself or her kids). If and when one of her children hurts mine or each other she does nothing. She gets mad if I jump in to help. She says they have to work it out on their own. They call my husband and have him pickup beer on his way home from work. She never lifted a finger while she was here 5 days and never offered to help or pitch-in a little money to help with groc. We always spend an extra $200.00 at least then normal in groc. alone. My house is a wreck, my child is acting like her kids, his toys or broken or missing, I'm a stress-ball from the clean up and trying to my child back on schedule and to sleep in his own bed. She didn't replace one item (except milk because she needed that for her own kids). She also does at lease 2 loads on laundry at her own pace everyday. Your not aloud to touch her laundry.
There is plenty more but we you all don't have all day to read it. Just remember I didn't invite her. I feel like she is using me as a free vacation get away.
I guess I've answered my own question of "should I" but need to know "how".
Any body else have similar issues like this?
Thanks for listening.
Thanks Mom's with all your responces. I decided to write a letter to her and send it in the mail. Im going to wait about a week because she is busy running her kids around on other vacations before school starts. The letter wont be a brake-up one but a you hurt me and my home and I will list some examples. If you want to see what I write for your amusement you can e-mail me at ____@____.com.
Thanks again for you help. She is a negative person in my live that I need to snuff out one way or another.
T. Lee
I was just wondering how she took the break up letter? I have a similar situation and you recieved great advice, so please update us all on how everything worked out!
I am sorry for the troubles your best friend has caused you, I am in a similar senario but I went to visit her and she was rude to me, used me after i helped her out of a bad situation and then she told me to F off. Since then,I had to leave we were in Houston visiting some friends and i drove 2 hrs away to visit her then she was trashing me cause I was a single mom of a 8 wk old baby that had acid reflux and because i didn't want anyone to smoke around my baby. She had been drinking which i didn't know and she was screaming at me in front of her 13 yr old son and her son kept on telling her to be quiet. It all started cause i couldn't find my keys. I had to wake up my baby at 2am and leave so i called my other friends and had to drive back to their house and didn't get there until 4am. That was the last i ever heard of her. She was bad news for years but never wanted to admit it. I knew her since high school and i got in a lot of trouble hanging out w/her.
I would tell her how it is and be honest with her. She is not worth it, it sounds like she is nothing but trouble. Good Luck!
T.,
Maybe you should send what you just listed to her. She is definitely taking advantage. She doesn't even realize it since you have been friends for so long. She has probably always acted this way, you just grew up. You have to be honest with her and either she will take the hint, or you will go your separate ways.
Good luck!
Hey there - also been in a very similar situation...I have had to decide that I will have to make my household unavailable - and won't take trips her direction (atleast not with her knowing) ever again. I am too soft of a person to say anything - I've just chosen to close that chapter. I have never been mean - and I'm not going to start now by attempting to tell someone what I think they're faults are...atleast I don't feel the want to do that. And by unavailable I don't answer the phone alot when she's calling etc...
GOOD LUCK!
I've kinda been in this situation. I've found that I can do 1 of 2 things:
1. Re-evaluate your friendship. Re-define it also.
2. Drop her. Just be careful that if you do this, then you'll have to live with the consequences. I did this one time, and then I started missing that person. When I started becoming friends with them again, I remembered why I broke it off with them in the first place.
If you do confront her, it may become this "white elephant" in the room, and that maybe hard on your future friendship. I do agree with you on her coming to your house. She shouldn't take advantage of you like that. Good luck in what you decide!!
Hi T.!
The same thing has happened to us but its with our sister in law. They come over to visit and she decides to take a nap on my couch while I end up watching all 4 of her girls plus my 3 girls. I can't say anything to the kids because no one can displine their kids buts its my furinture and my house. My girls start picking up their bad habits and we have to start all over with our girls.
If you still want to be friends I tell her we should meet in a neutral place. We started doing that with my sister in law and my husband's brother cause I got fed up. We meet at a park or restuarant. I agree with one of the other ladies that you should talk to her and let her know how you feel. If she gets mad and does't want to be friends anymore than obvisouly she wasn't a good friend anyways.
Wow, you could have just described the first two 1/2 WEEKS of my July (my sister came in for a visit that was supposed to be 3-4 days... with her 3 children)...it was a nighmare for me... not for all the same reasons but I can't stand watching how she is with her children.
Marriage and children change people. She must not be as happy as she claims to be in order to belittle you and your parenting style to make herself feel better.
My sister, like your friend, have no common sense when it comes to common courtesy and the best part of having friends is that YOU GET TO PICK THEM. Don't stand by in fear of hurting her feelings when the end result of you not hurting HER feelings is causing YOUR children stress, your husband stress, YOU stress, your family undue financial burden, etc.
All relationships run their course... it looks like this one has just come to a dead end. At least youre woman enough to admit it.
I'd say you could handle this several ways...
1) You can do nothing. Just kind of let the distance work for you and be the "bad guy". Just next time she calls to visit, get yourself caller ID and do NOT answer the phone. You don't ahve to do anything.
2) If you do allow her to come back just draw several lines. Just because things are her expectation, do not allow her lack of planning to become a burden on you. It's HER trip, not yours and it's not your responsibilty to entertain them. If she chooses to return (and you allow her to) tell her that you guys are putting a ton away in savings and can't afford the extra groceries and draw her butt a map to the nearest grocery store... and a map to where all the near fun places she wants to go. Just because she ASSUMES that you will pay for everything doesn't mean you have to...just that you HAVE is leading her to believe you will. When my friends/family come (other than my sister).... they know that we won't foot the bill... I mean, for some stuff we will... but for everything, forget it. If I wanted 15 kids, I'd have adopted! LOL
3) Write her a heartfelt "breakup" letter and just say that time/distance has changed the relationship and that you jsut feel that you're two different people now. I don't see any reason to get into the specifics you've mentioned here... just that you just don't feel a common bond with her and the way things transpired after her last trip just sealed the deal for you. This way will probably get her pretty po'd and she'd want to retaliate by writing a nasty-gram back to you (that's what my sister would do)...so I wouldn't OPT for this option...
Personally, I'd just let time/distance do it's work. All relationships have to be 2 sided and 50/50... and if you just let go of your end of the rope... the rest jst kind of happens. I'd just cease communications, get involved in other activities, be busy, don't take the calls...
Like I said, family you're born with and really can't do anything about... .but friends are supposed to be with you for you and you for them... this doesn't sound like a 50/50 friendship to me...and for you to be under this much stress and for it to be so unfair for your famliy to have to endure it... you've made the right choice (ending the friendship)...
maybe one of these days when she grows out of her selfishness, she'll see the error of her ways, until then, just pray for her... and cut the the ties. You'll be a better wife/mom and friend for it.
This sounds like my mother in law! Too bad i can't "break up" with her! My idea might not be too "grown up" but i would play the avoidance game. Never make the home available to her (even if she calls and says she's on the way). Just say it's not a good time. Don't call her and don't answer when she calls. No matter what you tell her she probably won't see your point and it's bound to escalate into a "who can hurt the other more" conversation. Good luck. What a sticky situation!
Hi T. -
Oh, yuck. Friendships can be so...touchy...at times. You have been friends for 10 years, so I'm assuming you like her and have liked her for many years. The only thing you talked about in your post was the visit - which, while sounded awful and would send me running for medication, didn't address the friendship at all. I live away from family and friends and have for my entire adult life and I have learned to never judge a person by a visit.
Maybe coming to your house is her way to get that break she needs. Maybe because you're her best friend, she assumes she can just let go and not be a perfect houseguest. Maybe she's miserable in her own life and envies yours so wants to pretend she lives yours for awhile. And maybe she's just changed into someone you don't want to know anymore. It's hard to guess, but I wouldn't trash a 10 year friendship over the visit. And I wouldn't necessarily confront her with it just yet, either.
I would suggest you pick a day to meet up just the two of you - maybe halfway, maybe you drive by yourself to see her and rent a hotel room and insist she join you, etc. The point being - a lot has changed - marriage, kids, etc. - spend some time just the two of you to reminisce, talk about current life, future, etc. - and see if the connection is still there. If it is, you'll be able to get past the rude houseguest issues. If the connection's lost, you'll know to start backing out of the friendship.
As adults, and as moms, it is really hard to find good friends. And it is important to have people in your life who "knew you when." Don't give up on the friendship without exploring it further. As we teach our children - just because you don't like a behavior, it doesn't mean you don't like the person - the same applies here. Good luck.
When she calls and asks if she can come just say NO. You can either tell her you're not up to entertaining right now, you'll be gone for an extended vacation of your own, or you can be honest and list all the reasons why she's a horrible guest and that you'd prefer her family not stay at your house anymore. Or you can tell her she can come but they need to find their own accomodations. She doesn't sound like she's adding anything positive to your life though so it doesn't sound like you'd be losing anything so who cares if you offend her or not. It doesn't sound like she cares about offending you.
Well I feel it would be a tuff situation but if you guys where that good of friends than it shouldn't be the way it is. I'm not sure if she did it this year or if she is planning to but you need to sit her down if she is there and tell her this is the last year she can come, and most likely she will get mad and then it would make it easier for you. You could also talk to your husband and see if he is willing to help, than you can kind of use him as an excusse. But I would just say hey look, ..... I know it is easier said than done but that is ridiculos and if she was a true friend she wouldn't be like that. I have a best friend who know I feel so lucky to have. We both recently moved and now we are at least 1000 miles away and she has 3 kids with another on the way and I have 1 with one on the way and we talk almost every single day and I know I could count on her not to be like that, and that I could talk to her if I did have a problem. Sorry I wasn't more help. Good luck
WOW, T.! That sounds miserable! LIke someone else said, there must have been some reason the two of you became friends in the first place? Was she always like this? It is hard, but sometimes you just have to make the decision to end a friendship. It sounds like you have already made that decision. I agree with some of the others, let the distance work for you. Don't call her...and when she calls you, either don't pick up at all or always be too busy to talk when she gets you. And, when she calls to tell you that she is making a trip to see the family, (if you answer) say something like "Great, maybe we could get together one day while you are here". She should get the hint. If she calls you on the way and says she'll be there in x number of hours, tell her that you bet her in-laws are so excited to see them, drive safe and maybe we will see you while you're here. And, if she just shows up, be ready to tell her that your house is unavailable and point them in the direction of a hotel. If they want a maid, that's where she will be! Also, if she flat out asks you if she can stay at your house, you will have to be honest with her and say NO!!! (When inside you will be screaming HELL NO!!!!!!!!) Tell her that it is just too much of a burden for you and your family and from now on they will have to make different arrangements. This will probably send her flying through the roof (hopefully her broom will be near by) and end the friendship....which is what you want anyway, right? She may be a big enough person to get over it and then maybe the two of you could sit down to talk...but you will have to be honest with her if there is going to be a chance for her to change. And, from what you have said, it looks like there is a small chance of that. Godd luck!! Hang in there!!
Your friend sounds similar to one of my old friends! I would tell her that it has become too stressful to accomodate her family at you house and recommend a good hotel. Good luck!
T.,
It seems you are getting lots of advice and sympathisisers. I recently ended a rocky relationship with a sister and let me tell you
It's not easy. There are several self help books on relationships that can help you but they will all tell you the same thing.
Stand up for yourself without being violent or yelling and be honest. It is extremely hard to do this at first. Finding someone sympathetic to discuss the situation with on a regular basis, and is willing to be there when your friend is there as well helps a lot. This person can use code words or clues (while your friend is around) to remind you to buck up and be honest (my husband was my support for me). Just having someone call out "boogle!" in the middle of an intense situation can be releiving and a bit funny (I think my DH secretly takes great joy in this tactic).
Don't expect to jump right up the first few times and defend yourself. It took me over 6 months to get to this point. But having someone else descreetly point out that she's crossing a line keeps you from sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it.
Make it a point to keep notes and discuss the problems with your support person after your friend is gone or you have talked to her on the phone. Literally write down everything she did to upset you with the responses you should of given her. Having it on paper helps you really see it and acknowledge the situation.
Also remember that sarcasm is a good tool too (It has become on of my favorites). If she says "My Tomy is so smart he beats your Johnny at games all the time, and Tomy is even younger than him!"
You say, with a smile and give her a pat on the back too: "Well no one would of ever known how smart Tomy is if you had not pointed it out!"
Or while she is harping about how great she is harp on yourself too: Her: "I'm such a great mother. My kids go to school in designer clothing."
You: "I'm such a great friend. I let your kids come and visit and I cook them breakfast and clean up after them!"
You don't usually need to mention how she dosn't lift a finger. It's implied by the sarcasm in your voice.
Luckily friends are easier to drop than sisters. Ever hear the saying "Have positive friends". It's no lie and it really works even for realitives. You will have no self confidance with a friend that makes you feel like dirt.
RPocai
Kindly get rid of her. Write her a letter like this one and mail. I bet she won't be back next year.
