Boyfriend's Mom Way Too Pushy

K.,

I am a granny of 2 girls of my son and daughter-in-law. Your boyfriend needs to talk to his mom. You and he need to set boundaries up and if his mom refuses to abide by them then she needs to know that she will lose some of her time with the grandchild. I know it sounds harsh but grandmothers need to respect their children's rules. As a suggestion: Buy the book "Hugs for Grandparents." This is an excellent resource that helped me not make a lot of the common mistakes we grandmoms make. The beginning of the book list the 10 Commandments of grandparenting and I believe first on the list is DO NOT OFFER ADVICE UNLESS IT IS ASKED. Do try to understand though that I am sure she is not trying to be critical or lessen your skills. I do have to laugh because the first time my daughter-in-law fed a hotdog to our granddaughter, my insides were knotting up. We came from the generation that hotdogs under the age of 2 was an absolute NO-NO!!! However, I shared a very gentle comment with my daughter-in-law about the hotdogs and she assured me that the baby would be fine and guess what--SHE WAS!!!

G.

I know exactly how you feel. When I first had my daughter my husband was in bootcamp and then in and out of schools. I lived with his mom during most of this time. I mean her youngest child is 19, a lot of things have changed in the meantime with child care. One of the main concerns I had with her was putting a blanket on my daughter at night..which you know is a big no-no when they are too young!! I mean that wasn't the only thing but I had to constantly remind her not to do it. I felt like she was just doing it to spite me. It got to the point where I didn't even want her to watch her. She would say things like well "my baby" or "I did it with my kids"..and I just had to tell her this is not your kid this is mine and you have to respect what I tell you. I had my husband talk to her and she finally stopped..but its hard sometimes they just don't listen!! I moved into my moms house when my daughter was 3 months old. Now when I tell her not to do something she listens..or else I'll call her all night and bother her!! I mean I love her to death and I know she didn't mean anything by it..but the fact that she just did it repeatedly drove me crazy. Just have your boyfriend try to talk to her if he hasn't already and stand your ground. She needs to understand that he is your son and you know whats best for him. She needs to know shes the grandma not the mom. I mean if it persists after you try everything you possibly can then I would consider moving out..I'm not sure if I helped you but I hope I did!!

I would bring this up to your boyfriend and let him know that you plan on speaking to his mom. One thing...you didn't clarify as to whether or not you are living in her house. If not, then, I would simply tell her that if she can not respect the rules that you set forth for your son, then you just won't bring him over to see her anymore. If a child can not follow the rules, then he has privileges taken away from him -- well, it can work the same with adults. If you ARE living in her house, this poses a bit more of a problem, as she is constantly around. But I think that if you stand your ground, eventually she will give up. You need to constantly remind her that this is YOUR son, not hers, and the things that you do for your child are for his own good. If she can't understand that, then you need to get your boyfriend to speak to her. Maybe she'll listen to him.

Your situation is not the greatest on a couple levels, but I'll just address the Mom issue. She's an adult who doesn't respect you, and who's not going to change because of anything you do. It's not in your power to change her and like it or not, when you live with somebody you live with their whole family. (Usually quoted, "When you marry somebody, you marry their whole family.")

First question is: Are you living with the son in his Mom's house? If you are then all bets are off. It's her house and although disrespect is never acceptable, you're in her territory...errr, the lion's den. Get out quick.

If the Mom is just hanging around your boyfriend's house then you have at least a couple options. 1. You can choose to put up with the disrespect - but please don't. You're worth more than that. 2. You and your boyfriend can move at least 30 minutes away from his mother and place boundries on her visits to your house. i.e. they must be planned in advance with a phone call and within a timeframe that is both convenient and comfortable for you.

I'd be remiss if I didn't put up a red flag about your boyfriend for "allowing" his mother to trash you, if he has not (several times) firmly but respectfully asked her not to interfere with your parenting.

You have some real challenges you're facing. The greatest of which is single parenting. You don't need your son learning how to disrespect you and women in general from his "grandma."

Very Sincerely,
Mom of a couple 5-year olds

Here is my two cents: You boyfriend has to get involved! It is not your place to tell her to back off. Your boyfriend needs to talk with his mother about this and stand up for you and your son. Good Luck!

It always hard to have two mother hens in the hen house. I think the best thing to do is to tell her that she is being disrespectful to you as a mother. Maybe appealing to her motherly insincts will get her to understand where you are coming from. If this doesn't work then I suggest that you get your boyfriend to speak to her about how she treats you. This might help as well. I hope I said something helpful.

Tam

Hi, Aside from talking to your boyfriend about his supporting you in how your child is raised.

YOU need to with confidence say to his mother. "I know you mean well, but when you go against what I say, it says to MY son that my rules are okay to break. This is really important and we as a family MUST teach him that we have rules for good reasons. Can you help me out?" I am sure that it is just parenting styles.

With that said. Good luck and many blessings.
joyce

Hello K.:
Time to put your foot down and tell mom she did a very good job of raising her son and you welcome her suggestions but you will raise your child in your own way.there's the door if she can't respect your wishes.

my dear child, i could write a book on whats its like to have a pushy mother in law, you know the boyfriends mother that starts off JUST trying to be supposedly helpful, and slowly takes over your life.. my mother in law was like that, it started off with a ugly remark from her, that was conviently ignored by everyone but me,then she started gossiping about me and undermining everything i did, when i wasnt directing in her eyesight she should make up wild stories about me to any body and everybody. long story short, i got the thankless job of taking care of her for fifteen years,only to pay for her lavish funeral, and then my husbands three months later.do yourself a favor, tell your boyfriend that if he wants to continue having sex with
you, he better tell his mother to back out of your business
otherwise, he gets nothing more than a handshake...
say what you will but, men are simple creatures, if your
tell them , if you want to continue sleeping with me, you will grow a spine and tell your mother to back off. and they will typically do it, you and your child deserve to be treated better. why did she not want the child to have
his flu shot, simple, so when the child got sick, she
could blame it all on you.sounds like you got a mamas boy
on your hands, do yourself a favor, dont marry him because
his mothers behavior toward you will get worse, not better
K. H...been there, done that.. never again