Hi moms, this is my 1st question on here! I just need some advice how to handle this situation. I live w my fiancée & he has 2 girls. I have 3 of my own. For over 2 years the kids have been aware of our relationship. Since day 1 his ex wife has made it impossible for us to bond. Even w their own dad. This weekend As their mom was picking them up she started drama saying that the girls do not like me & want him to choose between us!! I felt in the middle & did not want to argue in front of the girls so I said we would talk later & they left. Shortly after he receives an email from the mom saying that he needs to stop making me a priority. She went on to basically bash us & now idk what to do. His girls are 14 & 10. Mind u his ex has a live in boyfriend & she has the girls call him stepdad & claims they love him more that their own dad. It's all so hurtful to us. Thx again for listening
Edit : his ex wife has alienated the kids from him. She bribes the girls. She punishes them or take away their stuff in order for them to say things. She is unlike anyone I've ever heard of. She has made false alligations to keep him away. It's very sad & frustrating
Hi moms thanks for all the feedback. I must clear something up, it didn't upset me what she said what upset me is that she lashed out in front of the girls making them tell me they don't like me when they stood there saying no mom & with tears in their eyes. I have been the adult taking the high road with his ex for 3 years now & it's just getting old & frustrating. She is a narcissist & materialistic & vendictive. I knw know this now. We do not use his teen daughter to babysit ever! They do have their own stuff we provide them with & share the room w my younger daughter.
I appreciate the feedback & will apply it. The girls get to spend time w him & as far as how they behave, we had no issues at all until about a few months ago when their mom got a new boyfriend & she started saying he was a better dad & step parent. She has blocked my bf from calling his daughter, she harasses him w emails and text & threstens us both. So definitely going to ha e to go back to court & have my bf handle it from here.
There's nothing you can do about ex-wife. The only thing you can do is continue to be calm, kind, and polite. Blended families are hard, that's the way it is.
You do nothing. Just keep on living your life like usual. She's doing this to start drama and get a rise out of you. Don't bite. Ignore. That will drive her crazy and put you on the high road. Do NOT mention any of this to the girls.
I'm a stepmom. Before my husband and I were married, we lived together and had his girls every other weekend.
Your fiancé's ex is probably jealous and worried that your "new" family of 5 will somehow replace her love for them, OR she's seeing preteen/teenage rebellion and blaming it on you/your fiancé, or she has other problems we know nothing about.
You stay out of it. You don't have contact with her. The 2 parents handle every single thing. You don't tell her "We'll talk later" because you don't have these conversations to begin with. You are upstairs or in the kitchen when she picks up the kids, or he takes them out to her car, or any other scenario that doesn't involve you or your 3 girls. Period. No exceptions.
You don't let her hurt you. You also don't blame her for your failure to bond. I'm not sure what you mean about "even with their own dad" - are you saying the mother is to blame for some distance in the girls' relationship with their father? That's not true! HE is responsible for his relationship with them up to this point, and if there was a bond beforehand, there will be now and later. If not, then he has work to do with them.
I'm not sure what you expect, but if you think a 10 and a 14 year old are going to be thrilled to share their dad with a woman with 3 kids, you're being unrealistic. You don't give in to it, but you don't blame it on someone else either. They are at an age where they want independence, want to hang with their friends, etc., and shuttling from one house to another is hard on any kids. If their mother is adding drama, then it's ten times as hard for them.
If your fiancé is unable to take charge here and separate you from this drama, get counseling with him. If you need help managing your emotions when she gets wild, get counseling. But he has to have a relationship with his ex regarding the parenting of those 2 girls, and you aren't part of that. Don't let anyone force you into it at all.
Otherwise, you ignore what she says (do not discuss with her girls at all) and you make the weekends or vacations fun and pleasant, with their father in charge of them and with you in charge of your 3 kids. Don't give her the power to hurt you, but don't show her any disdain either.
I agree with Cheryl.
For starters, your fiancé should be handling things with his ex - and you should not be involved. If she brings stuff like this up with you again, you do what I do with my MIL (who tries to get me involved in her arguments with my husband) - you just calmly and politely refer her back to her ex. You're right to not want to be in the middle. Stay out of it. Sounds like you handled that part well.
As for not bonding with the girls - not sure how she is preventing that from happening. You can just take that day by day. If she's badmouthing you and your fiancé - nothing you can do about that. Just prove her wrong by being supportive, kind and welcoming.
My only thought is, hopefully your fiancé is making time for one-on-one time with his girls. Where they (or mom, or both) don't feel the girls are a priority, then that's on your fiancé to sort out. I am not divorced, but if I was, I would have a problem if my kids never did anything just with their dad. It's important for us in our family that we both have one on one time with our kids - so if that complaint is at all valid, easy enough one to make improvements on.
Why does it matter what *she*, your fiancé's ex, says to you or to him? What matters is how the girls interact with their father (and with you), and what your fiancé's ex says to the girls about their father and about you (which can be difficult to know without being a fly on the wall in their house).
14 and 10, is old enough that they can start to decide for themselves how they want to interact with each parent. (You have not mentioned anything here about how the girls act.)
Keep copies of everything you have proving your allegations and contact a lawyer, there are laws against one parent purposely alienating the children from the other.
For now you should have no contact with her, don't be present during drop off/pick up, let your BF deal with his ex.
He needs to take her to court. I'm no lawyer, but isn't this kind of like "alienation of affection"? There will never be a way to blend this family as long as she is doing this.
I'm sorry this sounds awful, yet not unheard of. The mother must be very jealous (fear of losing the girls to you and her ex). The girls are paying the price.
It there a way their dad could take them out or you go on an outing so they can bond with their dad without you? Sounds like he is not the main parent and they may need to get familiar with him again and then with you both? I sure hope the time is not set up so he is at work and you are their free babysitter. If that is the case, then that could add to them not liking you.
I think 14 is a tough age and I am sure she has her little sister following her every move.
I would like you to take your emotions and your feelings towards the ex out of this as much as you can. Step back from the drama and then ask yourself - does her accusation that he doesn't make them a priority have any basis in truth? Get your defensive "No!" response out of the way, and then look at it from the outside. He's not with his daughters all the time. When he has custody, does he do things just with them, or are you always along? Does he buy them things they want and need to keep at his house, or does he make his ex provide everything and the girls bring a duffle bag every time? Do his daughters have a room in the house or are they like guests in a spare bedroom every time they come? Do they come to your house, and then you use the 14 year old as a babysitter to watch all the kids so you and he can go out?
They are his kids. They SHOULD be his first priority during the times that he has custody. I'm not sure why it upset you that his ex said this.
I'm not trying to say that she's a good person. I don't know her, but from your description, she appears pretty vindictive. But your husband's focus shouldn't be on his ex (beyond the necessary coordination). It should be on his kids and how to bond with them when they are at his house - which she can't control even if she tries. If he really makes that a priority, the rest will take care of itself in a few years. That 14 year old will be an adult in the blink of an eye, and she'll draw her own conclusions about her dad.
First of all, GOOD LUCK.
It is not at all easy to blend families. Know that if his ex wife creates drama, and tells his kids things that are not true about him or you, to make them uncomfortable when they come to your house, she's likely NEVER going to stop that behavior. Also know that the kids WILL likely play her. They will possibly even say things that aren't true about you or even their Dad, just because they know that Mom will believe it.. and they will likely get a reward from it out of her! It happens. Kids play BOTH sides even! I believe that counseling is the best answer. If he won't go, you go alone! Hugs to you!
Maybe the Father should actually try to spend quality one on one time with his daughters.
Updated
Maybe the Father should actually try to spend quality one on one time with his daughters.
