Birthday Party and Politics

Let him invite only who he wants to invite to his party.

At a later date, you can host a grown-up dinner party and invite the "powerful" moms.

And everyone will be happy!

I hate the politics of parties and refuse to play. My boys have small parties and invite only who they want, I never force an invite. This year my youngest son is only wanting to invite 4 kids, so that is who we will invite. If someone asked about why they were not invited I would simply cover for him saying that since it is a sleep over he was only allowed to invite X amount of people.

My kids invited their friends to their birthday parties. I never thought about politics or mothers or football or anything else. My husband didn't care one way or another.
Why are you and your husband SO involved? Just back off, spend time with your own friends (not other parents) and you will feel a lot less pressure, plus your son will be free to pursue his own friendships.

Okay, I'll say this as the mom of the kid who wasn't invited:

Let your son choose. This is HIS birthday, not a social event wherein he is obligated to soothe the feelings of the 'powerful' PTA moms. That's grown-up baggage, right there. Why is he socially responsible for the feelings of grown-ups? If someone is going to get their nose bent out of shape because my kid is closer to a few other kids and prefers a smaller group .... well, that's their nose and they are welcome to get it in a snit if they choose. And then I can see that their maturity level is pretty darn low if they are going to snub me because their little snowflake wasn't invited to everything.

That's the beauty of it: my child is a separate person from myself and my husband. He can have his friends and I can have mine. If my friends cannot accept that my son's party is for HIM and not for their kids, oh well....

When my son was not invited to a close neighbor family's party, he was hurt, but I wasn't upset. I understood. They just don't play with each other that much, and I explained to him that it was the friend's right to choose friends they play with often and that it was *their* birthday. He still likes the friend and they still get together occasionally, but I think it's okay that he learns "not everyone is obligated to invite/play with you". Life has disappointments and I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but I think we are FOOLS as parents if we go around protecting them from every little upset. Instead, I do talk with my son about discretion when he is invited to a party with a short list: "You don't mention it at school, because it might hurt other kids feelings" and teach compassion in that way.

I could never afford to invite the entire class to something, and I don't feel that everyone else's kids feelings should dictate our choices. We have small parties because that's what we can do. My son already HAS to interact with so many other kids in a 'fair' way at school, but even the teachers know not to force kids to play together who aren't interested. Why should a kid HAVE to invite other kids he's not interested in 'just because'?

Life is about having well-rounded, well-balanced experiences. My son will be invited sometimes, and other times not. How would I expect him to have the emotional tools to cope with being left out socially at times (it happens to us all) and to build resilience if I protect him from every bad feeling? Do you see the people without those skills as adults? Nightmare.

ETA: upon further reflection, you wrote :"Our D.S. is shy, socially awkward, brilliant, and can get into some trouble. Making friends is a milestone for him and he is working at it everyday. So I don't want to discourage those choices by undermining them and inviting kiddos anyway." I think this is a strong consideration. Kids who are shy, some of them may be more introverted and so smaller is better; they can tend to be overwhelmed and act out with larger groups. I'm introverted and while my husband and I invite lots of our adult friends to an annual birthday gathering for the both of us, it exhausts me. (He's far more social). This year, I'm thinking that maybe 'going out for drinks with another couple or two' will suffice.

I think people need to learn to deal with reality and that kids need to learn to deal with disappointment now and then. That means that no one gets invited to everything. I just hated it when my son got invitations from kids who were inviting the whole class or the whole team - he didn't know half of them, didn't like all of them, and it just seemed like a big plan to either show off or collect a whole bunch of gifts. Every weekend would have been a party if we'd let it. We turned down invitations from kids he didn't really care for, and accepted only those we wanted to. Even when he went to parties of kids he liked, if they were huge (like 12 kids and up), it became a free-for-all. The birthday child didn't open the gifts so my son never got to see the look of pleasure on the child's face, and he never got a thank you, at least not to his face. Kids never learned any kind of manners, frankly.

If you've got people who are turning these events into political issues, so that it's a "who's who" for powerful moms, you've just got to resist that pressure. Children are being invited because of who their mothers are? What about the nice kid in the corner whose mom works 50 hours a week trying to put food on the table? What a shame to leave out kids because of that - and even if YOU'RE not leaving them out, someone is!

Be strong, be an advocate for your son, live the values you espouse in this post. He's shy, he's got social issues, he's working on them, and he's making such great progress. He is telling you he doesn't like certain kids, and your husband is saying, "Too bad, you have to invite them anyway." I really don't understand that.

Nobody is inviting everyone they know to a party. So someone, somewhere is being left out every day. But that's okay! This is not a business dinner where you have to invite people you are networking with. These are children! Have the party you want to have, a small one, and teach your son not to brag all over the place that he's having only certain kids and not others. That's just common courtesy. But to invite some kids and then feel that you have to invite everyone they know, just feeds into the "power grab" of certain adults. Don't play that game.

I would explain to my child that kids feelings do not need to be hurt. Either he invites the whole team or none of them. As sad as it is he needs to be an example. If he wants to invite a friend over to spend the night that would be a good idea. If he wants a smaller party then invite a couple but for goodness sake, help him learn empathy here.

Ask him how he'd feel if he wasn't invited to (Name some really cool kid he likes) party and everyone was talking about how fun it was. Use examples, this is something kids do need to learn by associating the feelings to themselves so they can learn to understand how others feel from our actions.

Myself, I would only invite 1-2 friends over if he didn't want to invite everyone.

We really only invite friends. To me friends are the kids they don't only see at school or activities, but the kids they play with outside of school and activities. The kids who come and play at our house or the kids who invite our kids over.

Not everyone will come who is invited. So if you invite 10, you may only get 6. Tell him that he might want to invite some extra kids anyway.

If your son is adamant about not inviting anyone other than these friends, perhaps he will need to learn a little lesson about being too picky when he ends up having a smaller party than he expected.

It's your son's party, it's about him not political position. Let him invite the kids he wants to share his day with.
I know the types of moms you are referring to, and chances are they could care less if you include them or not. They tend not to worry too much about people not in their click. And you're right they most likely wont show anyway. Y'all enjoy your sons' day and don't worry so much about the PTA!

I would not feel I was undermining my child by explaining that I'M throwing the party, and since people's feelings would be hurt, we should either have a party big enough for everyone in that group, OR have a small get together with a friend or two or just family. When it comes to having a "biggish party" but just nixing a few kids, your son doesn't realize the possible ramifications.

I would not need the awkward headache I would feel covering for this choice so I'd just call the shots personally and tell him some people won't show so it won't be as big as he fears.

Let him invite the kids he wants unless there was something like he attended their party but didn't invite them to his own going on. Then tell the other parents that sadly you had to limit the invites because of space/budget/sanity but you would be happy to set up a play date for the boys some other time.

I am grateful my DD has a summer birthday. I don't feel the need to invite the whole class. I invite who I think we should and sometimes it's more who she is really friends with than the kids we know via their parents. It's HER party, not mine.

We did the "invite all the boys in his class" when he was younger.
Then we started letting him make the list of a certain number of kids.

Seriously, the "powerful" moms?
Ignore them. Focus on your sons birthday.

I let my daughter set the guest list, but I also keep an eye out for someone who should be invited lest their feelings be too hurt.

I think that politics is something we all have to play, unfortunately. I don't force my daughter to invite someone because of a MOM problem--that's my problem, not her's.

But I would put someone on the guest list that I feel might be hurt if they weren't invited and I know that there is not a legit reason that she is not invited. Usually the reason is my daughter does not feel close to that person, and I let her know that it's a great way to get closer. I would not invite someone that disliked my daughter or caused her trouble.

I have also let my daughter know that it will get back to that person that they weren't invited--so if there isn't a legit reason not to invite them, then the more the merrier!

My daughter has been on the receiving end of the party thing--not being invited and then hearing about the party later from all her friends. I think that has made her a nicer person when it comes to issuing invitations.

I don't think a birthday party should be political so I would let him invite who he wants after carefully discussing it with him. Maybe he doesn't want to invite some of the others because he feels awkward, as you say, around them.

We just had my DS 7th birthday party and he didn't invite one boy from his class last year. We talked about it a couple times to make sure he didn't change his mind. He just didn't like this kid so he wasn't invited.

Make it about your son, not the moms that are "powerful". (I don't evenknow what that would mean in re: to a birthday party.)

We are a "more the merrier" family. I can't honestly imagine my girls at 7 not wanting kids they socialize and play sports with at their party. I guess it's about tempermant the final decision should be your son's.

More interesting is your description of parents being "fairly powerful". I don't think of coaches, PTA members, etc. as being powerful. They are volunteers. If they act "powerful" because they are giving their time to a cause then I would be happy not socializing with them.

It's HIS birthday party. Let him make up the list. You mentioned his football team. Is he 7 or 17. Never have I heard of 7 year old playing football. 17 yes. It is his party let him call the shots.

I would let him invite who he wants to. But I'd give him a limit of the number of kids he can invite...like 7 total. Personally, I would not worry about other kids and parents and what they think. It's just a kid's birthday party. I'm active on my son's PTO and volunteer a lot but I would not care...I'd even be slightly relieved. There are too many kid bday parties going on! I am happy when we are busy and our kids can skip some of them, honestly!

The right answer is to let him set the invite list but I have felt that pressure too,

and by powerful moms, I would mean the people that are Always there running the show, the ones you see all the time and can make small talk with, who aren't close enough to call you out on not inviting their kid, who "might" not find out or even care if their kids weren't invited but yet if they did know might not be as willing to spend time chatting with you filling you in on what ever is happening in the school or the sports team
Maybe i' not explaining it well but I think I do know what you mean.

This year my son is turning nine...and I have limited the guest list to three other boys. This is very very hard on my son becasue he is very very social and has quite a few friends. However, he wants a mock sleepover/video game party.

He actually wants a full sleepover but we are not ready for that so...we are having three other boys over for all the video games, pizza and ice cream sundaes they can eat between five and ten pm. On a Friday night so the parents can have a date night if they want, maybe go see a movie and then come back and pick up the boys. It is late so they feel like they have had something special but not an over night.

There are only four controllers for the video game system so you can only invite three people.

I know a couple of his friends are going to be left out but the ones he has invited are the ones that play the same video games he plays and they talk about them at school and also have play dates with on the weekends already.

By the way, I am active in our PTA...I am on the executive board and hold an office. All I can say is I wish the job came with a lot of power, ha ha. So far this year I have organized two school events, have two more to do and can't find anyone to help me but two other moms. If your child went to our school I wish you would call me and ask if I had something for you to volunteer to do for the school. Because yes I have a million different things you could do to help out with the school. At our school at least the PTA moms are over whelmed with stuff to do and not enough people to help. Call one and ask her if you can help...if she would like to meet up for a cup of coffee...does she have a committee you could chair for her. Like box tops or teacher appreciation (both easy jobs but can be time consuming).

I say invite the PTA mom's kids if you have room and then make new friends and find out they are just moms who love the school and kids...and are probably overwhelmed with stuff to do and could use another mom to get "active" with them!!

HUGS!!

He is too young to know the ramifications of the short list. Invite who you please and at the end of the day tell him that if he felt you were wrong, then you will honor his feelings by throwing away the gifts that those boys brought.

Somehow, I think he will not want that to occur. Good luck.

This is one of the many reasons that I am done with school birthday parties after throwing one form my two kids. I would always lean towards inclusion personally. Even with the entire class invited, I do see that as an opportunity for the kids to maybe make new friends.