Hi All,
My partner's ex-wife (mom of the kids) is incredibly difficult. Telephone calls to her even about the most trivial things ("Can you please send back the kids' new raincoats with them?") end with her screaming and yelling about 90% of the time. She refuses to give us a regular custody schedule (custody is joint legal & physical but we have them about 60% of the time) because her work schedule is quite erratic (she is a flight attendant). We try to be flexible but she often waits until the last minute to give us her schedule, or "forgets" to request her flights so that she ends up on call. When my partner tries to get her to establish a regular routine her response is basically "Tough. you have to work around MY schedule."
She constantly calls the kids (10 and 12) directly while they are with us to ask them to come to her house, changes the schedule at the last minute, and we have recently discovered that she has hit my stepson with a belt awhile ago, and frequently pinches and slaps him, and threatens to hit him. He has asked his father to talk to his mother about this, which he will do today. She also tells the kids not to tell their father about some disturbing situations that have occurred in her home (violent fights between her and her current, soon-to-be-ex-husband while she was still living with him, etc) and they are afraid to tell us about things like this because they are afraid of her getting angry with them. This of course makes us very concerned for their physical and emotional well-being.
We are planning to approach this situation by first emailing her about the hitting, and following up with a very strongly worded email request that she voluntarily attend both coparenting counseling with my partner and family counseling (with the whole family). We will make it clear that if she does not comply voluntarily, we will seek assistance from the family court. We hate the idea of having to go to court, but previous requests to her about counseling have just resulted in a barrage of screaming phone calls and nasty emails. We have been documenting everything since November of 2005.
Does ANYONE have similar experiences? Suggestions? Better ideas for how to proceed? A feel for how family court might view this situation? Help! Help!
She sounds like an abusive nutcase. There is no easy way to deal with nutcases. Maybe you guys can go for full custody.
C. - I'd seriously consider getting an ex-parte hearing to gain temporary full custody. These kids are being abused and are witnessing abusive behavior. That's not something you just write an email about and then another - you have to nip that one in the bud ASAP before one of those kids are really hurt.
A court date will be set later in which the judge will most likely send you to mediation. The kids will be interviewed and based on what they share about their mother and step-dad and the situation they're in while over there, you'll most likely end up with full custody. The judge can take a look at work schedules and set visitation for you so there's none of this - it's my way or the high way stuff the ex-wife is throwing at you.
It really is sad how kids become the vendication tool. Hopefully the judge will recommend parenting classes and maybe even therapy for the ex wife.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
This sounds all too familiar. I have been in a very similar situation for 15 yrs now. My step children are now 21 and 18 so I no longer have to deal with the day to day issues. We tried a similar approach with my husband asking her to limit her phone calls, to have a set schedule to p/up and drop off of the kids to only have the conversation escolate to an all out verbal attack, in front of the kids on some occassions. It got to the point where we had no other recourse then to take it to court, which is where I am sure you will end up. My only advice is to document everything, the phone calls, the conversations/interactions you have with her, the comments made by the children and get yourself a good family attorny. Yes, it will cost allot but it will be well worth it considering it is for the well being of the children. Also, I would strongly encourage you to get the kids in couseling. Children tend to be the pawn in these games. It is never easy in these situations no matter how well you get along with the children. The other party (your partners ex) will not see them as children, only tools by which she can use to make the both of you unhappy. Sad to too think that a parent puts their childrens well being so far down the list of priorities. I wish you luck, you will need it. Remember what is important, the safety and well being of the children.
Keep the line of communication between you and the kids and their father OPEN!!! It is so important to make them feel important and heard while they are with you. Maybe even have one night a week where you all sit in a circle and write down on a piece of paper something positive that happen and something negative that happen for the week. Then go around and share and discuss what you wrote, if they are comfortable enough to. After a few sharing sessions there will be no subject off limits.
As far as the ex is concerned…you and your partner need to sit down and make a list of things you expect from her…A set visitation schedule, or to know her schedule two weeks in advanced, which is probably when she gets it. If not, then she will have to abide by the convenience of your schedule. Phone calls should be limited and certain subjects not brought up. Suggest a pen and paper to make a list that can be executed when the children are dropped off. If the kids want to go see her then they can ask…they should not be manipulated and told when to tell you they need to go see her except for the visitation court rules. As well as proper discipline and punishment for disobedience agreed up on between the father and mother.
Whatever you, or rather your partner, decides are going to be the new rules then you need to write it out clearly stating what the expectation are and have a face-to-face meeting. If she wants to review it and get back to you, then have her initial and date it and decide on a date she is to get back to you by. Once the list is agreed up on both parties should sign and date it and copies should be filed in a safe place. You need to be prepared to take her to court as well if the three of you can not agree on family rules. In my opinion email is not the best way to go. I understand it is a form of documenting events, but things can be misinterpreted and take days to solve instead of a few hours. It sounds like things need to happen faster for the benefit of the children. You can email her the “custody rules” after you have resolved what they are going to be to add closure and agreement to the meeting for documentation purposes as well.
Best of luck and prayers are with you!!!
I agree with Angela that you need to start documenting everything. Try to backtrack and account for as many incidents and the time frames as much as possible.
If she cannot even see that this about HER children and their well-being, then she may eventually have to be out of the picture.
