Bickering Siblings!!!

I have similar aged children (9 and 5 --both girls) and they bicker too! Sometimes I ask them to WORK IT OUT. And if they have not found a solution in 5 minutes, then I or we,(my husband) ask that each kid has to be quiet and we are going to help work this out. One kid is chosen to say what they feel and the other has to listen. Then the other gets to say what they feel. Then we , as parents, try to ask each of them questions about their needs and help them get to a solution. (And sometimes, in the end, if no solution can be met between them, then they know PARENTS pick the solution.)

I know this sounds a bit tiring over everything they bicker about but over time, they actually seem to use some of the listening skills and are able to compromise between themselves. And "compromise" sometimes means separating and doing their own thing for awhile until they can come together again.

That drove my father nuts when we were kids. Partly because his parents didn't allow it and so he and his sister and brother didn't fight much.

So growing up my father didn't allow it. I mean it was against the rules to argue or fight. If we did, we all got punished. If he heard us, we were told immediately to close our mouths and he would always say, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all." If we continued even a little, we all got sent to our rooms. He never tolerated it.

He would often sit us down and explain that in life we would have friends that would come and go, but our family would always be there as long as we treated eachother right. He told us we were blood and that we should love eachother. It sunk in because as middle school children and highschool kids we never fought. Maybe tease eachother once in awhile, but rarely ever argue. WE were like the three musketeers. To this day we get along great. The occasional disagreement, but we always let it go.

I have dear friends that were never taught that and were always allowed to fight and try to work things out themselves. Unfortunately they never did and to this day as adults they can't stand eachother. That's two different families. They can't spend five minutes in the same room.

If you don't talk to your children and teach them how to work things out, then they won't learn. And they will steadily grow up disliking eachother. They won't respect eachother and they will always fight. Sibling rivalry is serious and you have to teach them how to overcome it.

Explain that it is not allowed period. If they do it they will be sent to their rooms with no tv, no games, no books, no nothing until they can talk to eachother nicely.

If you know the older one likes to atagonize his sister, then make him stop. Tell him he is not allowed to even make faces at his sister no matter how much fun he thinks it is....because it will cease to be fun when he's punished everytime.

Tell you daughter that she has to learn to control her anger. That it is unacceptable to blowup over things. WE don't yell and scream and throw a tantrum because someone is annoying us. That is she can't just walk away, look away, or tell you that he's bothering her....then she will have to go to her room until she learns to control her emotions better.

Put your foot down now before it's too late.

I have a 13 year old and a 10 year old. I was having the same issues. I still have it now, but not as bad. One I had to find something they could do together that both of them enjoy. My boys loved creating things out of legos and color pipe cleaners. The first time I let them play as long as they liked. The second time I put the toys out, I limited the time. The next time they were looking forward to it. This started them playing together with out getting on each other nerves. Baking cookies together was another tool. I had to be created in finding things they would both enjoy and look forward to doing it. The only rule was they had to be nice to each other and no arguing. The next step was letting the 13 year old learn how to respond to his little brother nagging with out losing control. When little brother would say something mean, big brother with respond with something nice. It took time, but it worked. Again it is not perfect, but it slowed down the bickering enough for them to build a relationship. I also had to throw in that 13 years are suppose to act older than 10 year olds, and learn to ignore the small stuff. Hope this helps.

Hi M.,
I wonder if maybe your son is used to doing things with his sister and now those things have stopped for whatever reason? He maybe looking for attention from her. I have 2 kids as well 1 boy and 1 girl. They fight as well but its because my daughter (who is youger) just wants to be near or around my son. Plus my sister used to drive me nuts and we would fight all of the time, she just wanted to spend time with me. Hope this helps.
B.

M., Well this problem is as old as the first set of siblings in the Bible. Don't play favorites. Watch Super Nanny on TV, since this problem appears on there all the time. It's time to go over some family rules at a family meeting. Make it clear to both, esp. sonny, that you are on to his trick of trying to get his sis in trouble and from now on he will be getting in trouble. If they cannot eat without bickering, put the first bickerer in his/her room with their plate of food (believe me the bickering is more important than the cleanliness of the bedroom) or in another location where he will feel left out and suffer the consequences of his unsocial actions. Be sure that at the meeting you warn them ahead of time of the logical consequence of bickering at the table and then always follow through. If that doesn't do the trick, then add more time away from the family, time alone when all are gathered after dinner for whatever. Make sure they know that what was allowed before will not be allowed now. As for your yelling, you have the self-control not to do that. For one thing, stopping it at thre very first sign of bickering will prevent it going on until you loose it. Secondly, our actions are a matter of choice, i.e. we do have free will, so choose not to yell, you already know it is counter productive and do not feel good about yourself for doing it. Is Dad in the picture, Get him on board at the family meeting and insist he support you and follow the same rules when he's in charge.

M.
I feel your pain I have kids and now that we are indoors more it seems everyone is on everyone's nerves! One thing I do is make them responsible for one another. Like the buddy system. Each one is responsible for one aspect of the others comfort. Where we sit at dinner who has what plate did you help dish up dinner and so forth. The other thing is making them work together on some chores. It is easier said then done but you can do it! Good Luck
J. O

I certainly could relate. All will be well when I am consistent on punishment and then I get laxed. When I realize I am yelling again I recognize I have not been consisitent with punishment. When my sons call eachother names they have to say 3 nice things about the other sibling. in addition to that they get a time out. If I am not there to witness the whole thing they both get time out and on a real bad day if the time out doesnt work they have to write 15-25 times I will repect my brother etc... At night I use quiet time to reflect on how we want to be treated and how we should treat others etc...I often talk to them about God and ask "what would Jesus do?"

I like using celebratecalm.com techniques. I don't yell anywhere near where I used to and the kids are actually starting to understand consequences for their actions. If they are starting lay down on a couch or make yourself comfy. Call for them to come to you. Calmly and quietly tell them that they will have a choice leave each other alone or they will start choosing to have their absolute favorite things taken away. EX my children were told they they Will have Wii taken away along with their Wii fit. They started in and I quietly went and got a garbage bag and unplugged it all and put it in the bag. I put it in a "clean" can in the garage. Later after they were at school I placed it in my closet hidden away. But I sat them down and talked to them about their behavior and said we could have a great household or strict and losing their stuff. It was their choice, they own their own behavior and their consequences. It is amazing how well they play with each other now. As they do not wish to lose anymore of their valuable stuff. They also will choose if and how much they receive for Christmas.

Here's a resource that has all kinds of parenting help. It's from Joseph Lehman. the guy who claims he can solve problems. Maybe you've seen his commercial on TV or heard him on the radio. I get his free newsletter every week. It always has specific ideas that are different from most other discipline books. Here's a link to an article called Sibling Rivalry: http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Sibling-Rivalry...

My brother has three kids close in age and they are older kids. They(brother and his wife) just "pull" them apart when they fight and my brother and his wife take away things the kids like to do together. Do your kids like to do anything together? It seems to work with my brother's kids that him and his wife take away fun things they do together, the kids, or as a family. You could try planning a fun outing and use that as leverage and see what happens. Maybe they won't fight and if they do fight, no fun outing. I realize you can't do that for everything but it's a start. Kids will be kids. Hang in there!!

My girls are 6 and 9 and just in the last month this has become a problem. I am putting a stop to it. I am a mom that believes in spanking and I decided this weekend that if either of them complains about the other, BOTH were getting spankings no matter what. They were either going to solve the issues themselves, stop the issues from happening in the first place or get over it, or they will both be having sore butts.

I also told my older daughter that there are to be NO more play dates with her friends until she has had a whole week of not fighting with her sister and not being mean to her sister (basically calling her sister dumb but not using those words, but a tone that says it). The younger one doesn't have playdates as often so couldn't use that against her. Plus I think the older one is the issue for lots of this.

Just my suggestion, take it for what it's worth.

N.

PS to clarify - for my kids spanking is the ultimate "they are wrong and they know it", it is not hitting them. It also was the immediate reaction I wanted. Plus sending them to their room was not an option when it was at the store, outside, on an outing or while eating before going somewhere we had to be. I needed something quick and done. Also my older one would be thrilled to be sent to her room to read. Taking away things was not immediate enough and the younger one really could care less about that, but a spanking they both hate.

wow! they scream then you scream. looks like to me mommy is not setting a good example of how to respond to irritation. i have 2 boys, 5 years apart and they do and say the same exact thing. kids stuff. one needs your attention while the other needs your protection. the 5 old loved the attention and the excitement of the eggeing and bickering. so i had to make him aware that i was aware of his acting like a jerk. you know throw the rock hide your hands kinda thing. then i asked him to tell me why he does it, whats going on with him? then i let him know in a loving way that it wasn't nice and how would he felt if someone kept poking at him and then said "what, i'm not doing anything". I also let him know that if he continued to act this way i will send him to his room until he could show me that he could act like a big boy without hurting or irritating his brother.Well of course he did try it a couple more times. and in a calm but firm voice i warned him, cut him off before he start the lie, then he was sent to his room, he stopped after a while and i didn't have to raise my voice not once. now the oldest i had to pull to the side and let him know " you brother is just acting like a 5 year old, they seek attention by any means neccesary, so now that you know that just ignore him when he's being jerklike and when it seems to be to much just let me know and i'll handle it from there from there".keep in mind michell that kids are going to be kids and it's how you handle it is what they look at.

This is a tough one--just what you want to hear right? I have been reading and reading...and there is some consistency in what I have read. Take it or leave it...ignore it unless they are physically hurting each other ( and I don't mean hitting etc., only if there is serious risk of injury). Often, if we get involved, sides are taken and even though we may not see it, damage is done to our relationship with the other. If there is tattling, offer a hug, yet still don't get involved. Respond with, "Do you need a hug?" to the tattler. With the physical stuff, you separate and address each individually making clear that we do not hurt each other in this way and that it is no way to resolve conflict. This is what I have got from what I have read with little information on when it might end. Ugh! You may just have to ask them to leave the dinner table and address the issue with your smaller ones--talking to them and showing them that this is not the way you expect them to behave. All of this is great in writing, I know. Tough when you have all these things to get done and want to enjoy an evening with your children!

On a side note, my brother and I fought like cats and dogs until I got into high school. Not sure what happened, but he started looking out for me...

Good luck!

I'm curious to see what results you get with responses. I have the same issue, but only on occation. My 11yr. old daughter and 7yr. old son can't sit in the car together to save there life. It doesnt take long till they start a debate. But the funny thing is , is no matter how meen his sis is to him he will still back her up. We will go to punish her and he comes up with reasons why she acted that way. He justifies it in some sort of way. How crazy is that. Wish I had advice. We take part of their wages away. We have a chore chart with a dollar a day hanging next to it for chores done that day. and we will go up there and remove one of the dollars even if they did that chore. doesnt seem to work all that long though. They both have saved up there money to have it not really bother them to much. So PLEASE post what you end up trying.
Thanx
K.

Dear M.,

My kids have been bickering a lot lately and to put a stop to it, by making them write sentences for what ever they did. For example... I will not tease my sister/brother. I will not run in the house. My daughter just turned four and has a hard time, so I write the sentence and she has to trace over it. This has seemed to solve a lot of the fighting. They would even chase each other around the house and then when told to stop, my son who is older would say, I was just going where she was going, I'm not doing anything wrong. I even have one for not following someone around the house and no screaming. good luck.
B.

Two of my boys ages 6 and 4 bickered a lot -- I did a chart for the two of them.... 5 days in a row of no bickering they get a reward together. Something just for the two of them to spend some fun time together. We only had to do the chart for two weeks and the bickering has almost come to a halt. Prior to that I had them hold hands when they bickered -- at the end of the time period of hand holding they had to look at each other and tell them something they love about the other. It's frustrating, but it is probably about something other than the surface as to why they are bickering.
Good luck!