Bickering Brothers

Cindy-

I think that what you are doing so far is on the right track. My next suggestion would be to remind Louis that he is NOT the parent and that he is NOT to be doing the parenting. Whenever you catch him making rude comments to Wesley or trying to tell Wesley what to or not to do, I would correct him and punish him in the correct manner. Although it is a different circumstance, my step-kids thought that they could boss my kids around because they were so much older than them. I corrected them and told them that they only needed 2 parents, not 4. It took a little bit of the 'punishments' for them to understand that they weren't in control because of their age (or in your circumstance Louis' intelligence) but they eventually understood. Good luck!

Have you tried taking the two boys to therapy at all. I have a 15yr old and a 16yr old and 10yr old twins. My 15yr old has ADHD and Aspergers as well as ODD, and the other kids get mad at her because she has BO and likes to behave younger than her age at times.
Our therapist helps the the other kids realize that it is my 15 yr olds problem, that they can walk away from her when she is a pest or come to me.
If nothing else it helps them to vent in a neutral environment with a neutral party mediating.
I find that I too need to vent at times (the kids as a whole can drive me nuts at times).
It may help your family.
Good luck

Oh gosh, I never had this but I sure would sit Louis down and have a stern talk with him. It is NOT okay to make ANYONE feel bad. This could have a devistating affect on Wesly. I would let Louis know that if you EVER hear him say unkind things to his brother or anyone for that matter that a strict punishment would be in order. Rent some movies (don't let them know of course) that provide some good messages. There a many families that have children that are handicapped or have Downs or whatever and the family needs to be very supportive of one another...what else do we have, if not our families. Good Luck.

I can see you are a very busy mom, and this must drive you nuts! Having your kids being mean and fighting can send any parent over the edge! Been there, done that!

I do like the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist with the kids - someone familiar with families/children. If your husband has an employee assistance program, you can start there, or ask around.

Another thing that strikes me is the kids' need to have time alone with a parent when possible - even taking one along on an errand or working togther with the animals. Not tolerating cruelty is easier said than done, but it's what you need to aim for, for the good of all of you. The 5 Love Languages for Children book is excellent. Another, older, excellent book is Ross Campbell's How to Really Love Your Child. There's also a great one about teens, which helped me through some rough years with mine.

God bless you, Cindy, as you work on these critical issues.

Hey Cindy,
How frustrated you must be. Children can be so cruel to each other. I would ask Louis to remember how he feel when he gets made fun of or bullied and remind him that that's how he is making his brother feel. Tell him that he has to set a good example for your youngest son too, he is the big brother and has to act like one. Maybe have everyone write a letter about how the situation makes them feel have them sit and discuss it with each other. Try letting Wesley and Louis work this out on their own, and praise them on how adult their acting.
I hope you can find some peace soon.

Awesome awesome book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber (there's a co-author but I can't remember her name.) Everyone I know that has read it and implemented it has sworn by it. Good Luck! J.

edit: I thought I would add this link about the book that specifically addresses the topic of siblings with disabilities:
http://www.autism.org/sibling/sibling2.html

Ouch! You do have your hands full, don't you? Boys can certainly be an adventure. Many may offer advice on this area of your life. Me, I wonder, what are you doing to combat the ADHD in your son's life? I know of a natural way to help with that if you need the information. That may help his behavior.

S.
____@____.com

I also have two sons 14 and 11. Our 11 year old also has ADHD and our 14 year old is sometimes not very nice to him and my husband and I have decided this behavior is completly unaccebtable so we have started taking privliges away from our 14 yr. old to let him know how serious we are. We want our children to know that family looks out for eachother, helps eachother, loves eachother unconditionaly, and that above all family should be able to count on eachother threw thick and thin. We still have to remind our 14 yr. old on a daily basis, but know more than ever he knows that there are serious consequences for his unaccebtable behavior towards his brither.

I have a rule in my house, No put downs. I told my girls that home needs to be the safe place for us to fall when the world outside is cruel. If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all... Then I made it fun, well for me any way. When ever someone says a put down they have to hug, say they are sorry and I love you to the person and they have to say three kind things. I can just see your boys squirm having to be so mushy! But it will be good for them. Now, if they refuse to do it, then I make the name caller stand in time out, nose to the wall, until they are ready. You could also hit them in the pocket book. Get some jars and put a kids names on each one. Then every time some one uses a put down, the name caller must put an amount of money (50 cents maybe a dollar) in the jar of the one who was called the name. I don't know if that would work or not ...just an idea.
Good luck! K.

Cindy, they do grow out of it - promise. There is a book ot there that I wish they had had when my 3 boys were growing up. If anything, it would have helped me to relate to them better. Are you familiar with the book "5 love launguages"? They now have one for kids called - yup you guessed it - "5 love languages for kids"

We've always heard about these books but didn't pay a lot of attention to them until we went to a marriage retreat and was given the book and forced to read it. WOW! We loved it. I also participated in a bible study at our church using the 5 languages of an apology - again - awesome material.

We have bought the kids book with the intention of learning how to deal with our daughter. Try it out - you might like it. Your boys and your family will get through this time - our boys bickered constantly - the youngest boy ended up having his own room due to his "stinky funky feet". Nobody wanted to share with him. Now - they live in different parts of the country and actually consider each other friends.