Betrayal

You don't get over the betrayal. You simply realize you have to work with her, so be polite and cordial... but don't forget she's a snake and untrustworthy.

I'm sorry, Cini, it appears from this and your previous questions you have trouble with relationships of pretty much every kind.

I wonder what your definition of "betrayal" is. I ask since I'm 46 years old and don't think I've been betrayed even once.

Peace comes from within ourselves. I wish you the strength to find your OWN peace.

:)

"Betrayal" is a pretty serious word. And you're using it with two different people.

I'm just curious...because I've been betrayed very few times in my life by very few people; why do you think you're the common denominator here?

Cini:

Compartmentalize. She is a professional "partner" so to speak. Treat her as such. This is not elementary school and you don't need to stoop to her level.

If your work is exemplary and your work ethic good - you should not have a problem at the office. When you go to work - you are there to work - not make friends. Yes, it helps being able to get along at an office - but really - the whole point of being there is to work.

So. Stop talking personal stuff at the office. Do your job. Do it well. Stay out of the gossip chain. Don't give her the satisfaction. In other words, don't run away. But don't stoop.

How would I get over it? I would acknowledge the fact that I was wrong about someone, their morals, values and integrity. Pay attention to future people I meet and not be so quick to "let them in".

Good luck

Seems to me you think they owe you something more than just friendship to get this level of reaction. Like your one friend shouldn't have fought for her job if it put yours in danger?

That is how you get over this, realizing they didn't owe you anything but thank you for what you did for them.

I don't consider anyone a true friend of mine if they always expect a quid pro quo for everything they do as a friend.

is this betrayal or is it just simply life handing you lemons. Were you seriously betrayed? IF so they weren't your friends, they were using you. Better off with out them. As for the co-worker. Pick yourself up. Dust off the tire treads. Do your work the way you should and leave her alone. Ignore completely.

It will likely happen again sometime.

You're going to need to give some more details, how exactly did she throw you under the bus?

I've learned that in the workplace, you have to try and keep it business. Take out your emotions and attachment... Stay out of the office politics and keep your nose to grind. Friends in the workplace must only be treated as such.. "workplace friends" .. When I was younger, I had plenty of work friends for whom I'd go out after work, but then as I got older, that became less and less.

Now, I keep it simple... I have better boundaries and do a better job at NOT setting myself up for heartache.. Try and see how you may enable these people (Even if it means you are too giving) once you can establish for yourself what your actions are, then you can begin to change your own behavior and thus will no longer get yourself into predicaments with people who betray you.. Take it from someone who knows... I've had my share of betrayal..

good luck

I suggest that this is about boundaries. You let these people into your inner circle and now you're learning that this was a pore choice. See this as a learning opportunity and a sign that you need to take a good look at your boundaries, at who you share so much of yourself with.

For example, why did you let this second person cry on your shoulder all the time? I suggest, not knowing the circumstances, that you may feel betrayed because you expected something from her because you sacrificed to let her cry on your shoulder. And she wasn't able to give you what you wanted.

We should only give to others when we're able to do so without expecting something back from them in return.

With the coworker situation, work has to be about work only. Personal relationships at work do not work. We have to keep each part of our life separate. It's difficult to have a personal relationship with someone at work. To do so, one has to leave the personal side of the relationship out of the work relationship. Again, a matter of boundaries.

We can expect something different from a friend than from a coworker. I suggest that she was taking care of work business and you expected her to act differently because she's a friend. That's a very tricky situation for both of you.

Try to look at the situation from her viewpoint. Did she need to do what she did in order to protect her job? Did she tell the truth about you? Were you expecting her to keep a secret or not tell because she's a friend when any other coworker would've done the same as her and you wouldn't feel so betrayed?

So, now you know to keep your relationship purely business. You work with her by treating her as you would a coworker. You let go and mourn the loss of the friendship. And you know to be more discriminating about friendships.

When you know better you do better.
So--now you know that this person wasn't/isn't a "friend."

So do your job to the best of your ability, CYA with regard to this person and keep it professional.

Best!

You have to work with her. In your mind, draw a line, and place her in the "coworker only" box. When you enteract, make it strictly work related. Polite but not friendly. Never talk personally, only about work related subjects. Say what you need, and walk away. Take the high road and always be nice, but don't open up yourself for more hurt or betrayal. Don't in any way make it hostile, or it gives her ammunition. As you do this, her importance in your emotions will become less and less.

It's hard to know from your post what type of "betrayal" this is. Some things can be overlooked, and others cannot. I think it depends on exactly the situation and whether or not there was some justification for it.

You may also need to see if you are setting yourself up for this since it's happened twice with two different people.

Having said that, I don't think there's any "getting over it". If you're like me, you have a long memory. Chalk it up to experience and you'll find that there are only a few people who you can REALLY trust in life. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

Professionally, you focus on the job at hand. If you're supposed to submit reports that day, get the info and complete the reports. If you're supposed to make a decision on which branch the district manager needs to visit before the next budget meeting, start calling branches. These are just examples in a general work setting but my point is, stewing over the betrayal isn't going to get your job done. The time you take to mull over it isn't going to show up on your performance reviews. What will get the job done and what will appear on your performance reviews is the actual work you have done.

Personally, you now have valuable info on who you can trust at your job and who you can't. Perhaps you can't get rid of your co-workers but you can certainly figure out the best way to work with them without looking petty in front of the bosses. Behind the scenes - avoid them and get your job done and then go home. They have lost your respect. Don't waste anymore time thinking about them.

It's hard to give advice without knowing specifics, and whether or not it's your perception of being betrayed or if you actually were betrayed. I say this because having two good friends "betray" you so horribly so close together? That's a red flag to me that maybe your perception is skewed or you're feeling hypersensitive or maybe you've misinterpreted something and jumped to conclusions.

I would take a step back and look at your own attitude and behavior, and try to look at the situation with a fresh pair of eyes. Try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Try to take raw emotion out of the situation, and your assumptions. Give it some time. If you still think that you were "betrayed" then you need to talk to the friends that upset you and try to calmly and rationally clear the air.

M.,

The SAME thing just happened to me at my job. I have a new Co-Worker, and we hit it off RIGHT away. Both Mom's, newly Divorced, and we started a friendship.

Then.....another co-worker (who was apparently jealous of the friendship) went and told her that I was talking about her behind her back. COMPLETE LIE! The new co-worker believes her for some reason, won't speak to me anymore, and I couldn't care less!

The new girl is much younger than I am, but the one who told her is at LEAST 50. I told them both that I am not the one for the Immature High School "he said/ she said" stuff.

I keep it professional, and no longer speak a LICK of personal words to EITHER of them!