Best Friends Daughter Has Been Diagnosed with Autism

as a mother of a daughter with autism, i can only say to be there for her. she will come around. that first year is the hardest, as everyone says that early intervention is the key, and the parents are left wondering if they're doing enough. so bring her dinner (don't ask, she won't say yes), even if it's just a pizza, offer to pick her up some things at the store, offer to go to dr appt's with her, write her a note or an email or a text message that just says you are thinking about her. understand that you can't understand what she's going through. sounds to me like she just wants to prove to herself that she CAN do this. once she's come to that realization, she'll start asking for help. it takes awhile though.

K.,

you have been a wonderful friend to offer help, give your friend time. therapy and classes may help her and her child to learn more about autism. autism doesnt go away but the child can progress and improve a lot with early intervention. hopefully she is getting Medical assistance with her daughters diagnosis and this way she can get a lot of extra benefits and services. there are support groups also to help parents (i started one years back) i dont know what area your friend is in but she is welcome to come if she is interested. it has been helpful and we have great support and speakers.

C.

I am a behavior specialist and I work with autistic/aperger's/pdd... children. I am so sorry to hear about this. There is 100% no reason that your friend should remove herself from people or things that she enjoys. Having therapists in her house daily is stressful. Having an autistic child is stressful. If anything, she needs to get out, she needs to have fun, and she must take care of herself. If she doesn't she won't be able to take care of her kids. She will become more frazled and frustrated and less able to deal w/ her daughter. I have seen that scenario a million times.Also parents that become overly-involved (don't get me wrong parent involvement is crucial)often see their identity as "parent of an autistic kid." When this happens the child's progress slows. The parent is so wrapped up in being a parent of an autistic child that often they totally unintentionally prohibit progress b/c the more their child improves, the less they are needed. Her other children would absolutely benefit from one on one time w/ people like you. Siblings often feel neglected b/c the autistic child gets services and they don't. Also, removing the autistic child from social situations and people is not at all healthy or a good thereputic practice. Socialization is an extremely important part of therapy. Autisim is a life-long diagnosis. With therapy the child will absolutely improve but no matter how devoted the mother is, her child will never be "cured." This is not like when a child is in the hospital and all focus is there until the child is recovered. This is a life-time issue. It is better for everyone in the family if autisim is a part of who thier daughter is, not the family's whole identity. Some parents feel guilty, as if it is their fault that their child is autistic. This is 100% false. Nothing she could have done would have prevented this, it isn't her fault. I am so sad for your friend that she thinks she needs to beocme singularly focused on her daughter's treatment. And it's heartbreaking that you are losing a good friend in the process. I would send her a heartfelt letter saying that you love her and her family and miss them. That you want to stay involved in their lives. You want to help w/ the kids so she has time w/ her daughter. That you want to learn more about autisim so that you understand what she is going through. Tell her that you want to be a support, not a distraction. Good luck, she is lucky to have a friend like you.

Hello K.,
Your friend sounds stressed and depressed. She is pushing you away. People who are depressed often close everyone out. Try to be there for her even through she says she does not want it she prob. really needs a good friend now.
She is lucky to have you.

It sounds like your friend is still adjusting to the new circumstances. When my son was diagnosed with leukemia, I spent a lot of time reading about it, carting him to therapy appts, administering home treatment and taking care of my family. Many people wanted to help us is some way, but to be honest we didn't know what kind of help we needed. I would have loved for someone to come play with the kids while I got some cleaning done, but we were isolating him (it was the beginning of cold and flu season) to keep him healthy and until we better understood what we were dealing with. We were extended many offers and when people checked in with us in those first weeks and months they always gave us a quick "the offer still stands" message without any pressure or pleading. We appreciated that. We didn't need any more stress to deal with. The best suggestions I can give at this point are 1) to give her some space. Check in with her but don't be overbearing. That could be too much for your friend to handle. 2) Tell her you did some cooking over the weekend and you made an extra batch for her. Ask when you can drop it off. 3) Read about her daughter's condition so you can understand it better. 4) When she does open up to you, listen. Don't offer advice unless she asks. 5) Invite her and her family to a picnic at your house - no other guests. 6) Tell her that you care about her and her family and you are praying for continued progress with her daughter's condition. In her own time your friend will open up to you more. Right now she probably can't see beyond her daughter's condition and taking care of her family. While she is right that you probably can't understand what she is going through, it is obvious that you, too, are dealing with your own emotions about it and that you are a caring friend. I'm sure she will be able to see that. Best wishes to you and your friend.

My daughter had big medical issues and I shut out my best friend. I couldn't be around her b/c I couldn't say what I thought at the time. It hurt, I was devastated, I was angry and felt "why me", I couldn't talk one more minute about Dr.s and diagnosis but I couldn't think of anything else. ... and I couldn't pretend it was OK with her like I could everyone else. My focus was on my daughter every minute and I couldn't relax in any way.
She was patient with me, made herself available, listened when I would rant at length(when I finally got ready) and didn't push.

A friend of mine just had her son diagnosed w/ Autism. I just got Jenny McCarthy's book. I plan to read it, learn about the diet that helps autistic kids and then make some meals(one at a time). I'm going to print out the recipe I use and if there is good information photocopy no more than a page or two. Let her know I have it IF she is interested. If she asks, I'll give her the book but I won't tell her she should read it even if it's the best thing in the world. I remember crying once when the Dr. suggested some websites b/c I was already reading 4 medical books and didn't think I could add one more thing on my to do list.

It sounds like your friend is stressed out. It is not news that anyone wants to get about there child. You might or might not toatol understand. But make sure that she knows that you are there for her. That is a lot of news to take. Try to give her, her space, but at the same time let her know that you are there and willing to help in any way that could be. Let her know that you are there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or a place that her other children can go to have down time. I think that it is great that you offering the help. Just make sure that she knows the offer is there.

Hi K.,

You sound like a very caring and good friend. I wish I had one like you. My son was recently diagnosed with Autism and he is 9. I first noticed a problem when he was 3 but Doctors had been giving me a run around for years. Finally last August he was diagnosed and treatment began. It's been very difficult epecially since I am also a single mother with a 14 year old daughter. I'm still in a phase of denial and really don't have anyone to turn to. Believe me, your friend is grateful to know you are there should she need your help. Some of the responses I've read are very wise. I would make it a point to be proactive and just jump in and help. She may feel like a burden right now and afraid to ask for help. I know that's how I feel at times. Every day is a surprise when you have a child with autism because you never know what kind of day they are going to have and if you can follow through with plans made. Good luck to you and your friend. I wish you both well.

Hi K.!!
I have a son with Autism. He was dx'ed at 2 1/2 and it has been the busiest time of my life. I really admire your desire to help your friend. I only wish my past friends were willing to wanna help me. I had to cut ties with a few of my "friends" for that reason because they never really "got it" when it came to my son's diagnosis. It is a horrible disorder and I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. You offered her help, let her be the one to accept it.

She is transtioning and no one but her and her alone can tell you how she's feeling. Anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, these are a few things I STILL feel day to day about my son.
I love my child but it's a challenge.

Send her a card to let her know you are thinking of her. Send over a cooked dinner to help her with time. Run an errand for her....stuff like that is huge because autistic moms have zero time.

You are a good friend.

Hello K.,
I have a son who is Autistic. When the diagnosis was made, my world was just turned upside down. I, like your friend, did not want anything outside of home life. She needs this time to "grieve". Sometimes I think I still hit waves of grieving. My son was diagnosed in November 2005, when he was almost 4. Just let your friend know you are there for her. She will come around when she is ready. Life with Autism is very difficult. My husband and I do separate shopping without the kids. Adam (our Autistic son) is doing well in school, but squeals and screams so loudly I think my brain vibrates. Life is stressful and tiring, but some days are a better than others, all being a blessing though! I hope this helps. Your friend and her children will get better and accept the diagnosis and welcome you with open arms!!!!

First let me say, what an awesome friend you are for offering your help. My 4 yr old son was diagonsed with Asperger's this spring and I wish I had a best friend like you. I am juggling 3 small kids, classes/therapies, and I can't do it all. There are so many things I could say, but really just be there for her when she is ready. Your friend needs to process this her way and if that is "removing herself from everything right now" try to respect that. In time she will need you. I know this doesn't offer much except my support and a perspective from a mom with a child on the spectrum.

Hugs for you all! I would just send short & sweet correspondence, letting her decide when to reach out. She may need a few months to wrap her mind around everything, figure out schedules and even see what she needs (to answer those who ask her).

And I would add in one of the correspondence (email or card), that its true you don't understand, but that doesn't stop you from loving her and wanting to help in any way that you can.

Good luck!

Be there for her and remind her she needs to take care of herself first which in turn will help her be the best mom possible.

Learn about autism/ppd.

My 2 youngest had speech problems, one not so bad, the other has apraxia and 4 1/2 years of speech so far. I did lots of running around each day for speech to get him 3 hours a week as suggested and now he in kindergarten gets speech and ot in school and also i go privately. He has several years at least in front of him but I can't just hover over him.

K.,
Give her some time and lots of space. When parents learn that their child has a developmental issue--there is a LOT going on--physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. It is a LOT for a parent to get their arms around. Think of it--all of a sudden all of the visions and dreams you have for your child are uncertain. I think a parent's life changes forever at the point of an official diagnosis.
I know you mean well, but she may not be able to really relate right now. She's probably right--you probably CAN'T understand what she is going through right now. Like I said, I know you mean well, but, personally I would follow her lead at this time. I have two friends with autistic sons and, believe me, they ARE BUSY!

Hi Kathey,

I agree with Denise that you need to take her lead with this. I also think it would nice and helpful if maybe you fix her family dinner some night and take it over, but excuse yourself if she seems to not need company at that time. It would show her that you are still there for her but that you are also giving her her space by not staying too long. I'd take a card along for her that explains that if she needs you that you will be there but that you understand that she needs her space to deal with this.

You sound like a very caring friend!!!

L.

Hi K.,

I agree with Leslie and Denise. There is a lot going on right now for your friend. Making her dinner, stopping by to just visit without "helping" her. She may feel like people are going to view her and her daughter differently now. Her life is changing, but your friendship doesn't have to. Let it continue on the way it was, giving her some stabilty in one aspect of her life. Writing down your thoughts to let her know that your thinking of her and would love to support her anyway she needs is good. Try avoiding (accidental or intentional) "Poor you" looks or phrases. Having a child with autism will alter your life, but it won't make it worse, it will just be different and more rewarding than you ever imagined. Try to explain to her that she is right, you will never understand, but you would like to be a part of this journey with her and her children.
I hope that she is able to nurture your friendship again, because we all need our friends from time to time.
Good Luck!
B.