Behavior Problem with My 11 Year Old

That's a problem.
Counseling should help her get to the bottom of her problems. In meantime take away her privileges (Ipod, TV in room, phone in room etc), and tell her she will get her things back when her behavior improves and that to help her with that you're taking her to see a professional.
I wouldn't send her back to her dad's just because man do not deal with problems. he will probably ignore it and let her run wild.
good luck
vlora

She is crying out for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has gone through alot of changes, and is prob going through alot more now, and will be going through many many more.She needs you, and I understand that you may think that you are there for her no matter what, but she is feeling lost in the busy schedule that you have. Single mother of three wonderful daughters.Some woman wish that they had the time to spend with there children, and you do have the time.If you dont ......Make it!Dont send her away, she will feel even more like she has failed you.Dont make her feel that. If you dont reach out and grab her now, she may end up reaching for someone else. I am not saying that you dont care, I am saying to show her you care. Show her that she means everything to you. Show her, tell her, love her. She is hitting her sister to get your attention. She is too old for time outs.That is my opinion!!!! Grounding is ok, but you must talk about it too. You must set ground rules, and let her help you make that list. She may think of things you will not. It may sound funny, but I am serious. She may say..."No one in and no one out when mommy is gone". Would you think of that? Five years of this is too long, and it should of been dealt with along time ago. Maybe you have tried and tried so many times, but start over, and from the beginning lets have a family meeting.

Hi C.,

You really have your hands full! I'm sure you're going to college to provide a better life for your family in the future, but I'd suggest maybe you take one class next semester. That way, you're still furthering your education but making more room for your children.

This is a pivotal time for your 11 year old--and your 7 yr old is watching, as is your other daughter. Your oldest (?) probably feels very responsible for a lot of things around the house, whether or not there's a caregiver there. She's figuring out how to turn into an intelligent, popular teenager by herself when she really needs your input, whether she thinks she does or not.

Is her father involved in her life? If he is, does he know how she behaves? What does he do about it? Maybe you and he can sit down with each other and work out a plan that involves her seeing you 2 on the same page concerning every aspect of her life. For example, you should both discipline the same way. You should both have (basically) the same rules at each house. If she's grounded at your house for hitting her sister and it's almost visitation time, the grounding should carry over. His house can't be the opposite of yours. It's too confusing, scary and simply unfair to the children. This also goes for whomever is providing child care while you're at work and school. As for your being divorced, what's done is done: Just move forward with the situation you're in now and make the best of what you have.

If you don't have a good enough relationship with your ex to work out a cooperative interaction that is aimed at creating harmony, safety and respect for your children, seek counseling from her school counselor and from YOUR school counselor. Your counselor (Dean, instructor, anyone you can confide in) will most likely have seen or dealt with a similar situation in their time teaching--seek advice from them. Or go to a clergy person. You can't just throw her away because she's not acting the way you want her to. Of course, to YOU it's not throwing her away, but to an 11 yr old, you're telling her in no uncertain terms that your love has a price and comes with conditions. I know that's not the message you want to send.

Meanwhile, you can start to turn things around immediately. Instead of yelling at her when she acts out, speak with her when there's a calm moment before this happens (and you know it will). Let her know you're changing the rules starting now. If she breaks a rule, she's going to her room, at which point you'll remove her TV, iPod, computer, phone, etc. Keep going until her room is stripped of anything non-essential. She'll get the idea. Be consistent and firm but always keep in mind you're trying to show her how to respectfully resolve conflict so she knows how to do it when she's an adult (and a pre-teen and teenager!) lol Your goal for your actions should be the goal you want for her actions. Don't act one way and get mad if she does the same.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on. I know this is easier said than done, but maybe one suggestion in here will help make your life and your family's life much more pleasant. Your ultimate goal is to raise 3 well-adjusted adults who can handle awkward, tense, and unexpected situations. Now take a deeeeeeeeeeeep breath and move forward!

D.

Sounds like your daughter is taking her frustration of the div out on her sister. Have you concidered talking to her school councler for assistance? I see that you have tried timeouts, taking things away and grounding, with none of that working you need some outside assistance before it gets worse. She is probably confused about your seperation with her father and just needs to express her frustration but does not know how.I have three daughters of my own that I am raising alone since their father passed away. It is hard emotionally because they miss him alot. But I got outside help for them to help them understand that what happened was not their fault. Most kids with parents that are seperated or div. blame themselves in someway. They may not ever tell you that, but they do feel it. I know this because I come from a div. family. Somewhere in the back of childs mind they always think they were the problem and they tend to act out. She is acting out on her little sister because she is there and is an east target.
I hope that I have helped a little, good luck with her and God Bless.

Sounds what I went through with my 12 year old. I know it is hard, I too am a single mother of a 12 year old and a 7 year old. My daughter used to hit on her little sister. Never say you will send her with her father, that will make her want to go. Do you have visitation through court? Or is it a mutual agreement? If it mutual, then tell her as a punishment or wont visit this vacation or something like that. I know it may seem harsh what I tell you but I do this and it worked.
The last straw happened when my two daughters could not get along for the life of me! What did I do? Corporal Punishment. I gave them each 7 pairs of clothing ie: Underwear, socks, pants, shirts, and if it is cold by you. sweater. I packed up all of there toys, taped it up and put it out on the patio. After dinner they were to brush there teeth shower and go to be, I think it was like 7pm when they were in there room. They share a room so they had to keep each other company. They had this for a month. If they acted up I just kept adding days. Since then they have calmed down a bunch. I am a graphic designer so I am at work in front of a computer, I do not know if you are able to but I have a web cam set up in my home. So while I am at work I am watching them. If they do something I call the house and tell them to stop. I also have a chore list to keep them busy until I get home. This keeps them doing other things then bothering each other after homework is done. I have not used corporal punishment since then, now I just put them in the room when they act up. You need to be strong YOU are the mother. There is no need for hitting or yelling. I have donated many things to Goodwill because they kept fighting over it. I figure if they can not take c are of or appreciate what they have, then give it to some one who will. I hope this helps out a bit. Good luck and stay strong!!

It sounds like she took the divorce hard first of you dont want to send her to live with her father she will only feel more alone. Second protect the lil one and dont argue with the 11 yr old I use the phrase I Love you to much to argue with you it lets them know your not going to take part in the confrontation ,but reassures them you still love them. Because extra attention is what she is after and negative attention is after all attention. Finally maybe she needs to talk to some one not you or her father she needs to get some of this anger out. You are a great mom dont doubt your self this is just something div kids go through its not your fault
S.

JI, C., SORRY YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEMS, I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED THIS MYSELF, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND HAS 4 GIRLS AND IS IN THE SAME SITUATON, SHE ALMOST SENT HER DAUGHTER TO LIVE WITH HER DAD, BUT INSTEAD SHE SENT HER TO A FRIENDS HOUSE FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND MADE SURE SHE HAD NO PRIVLEDGES, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT IS POSSIABLE FOR YOU TO DO, BUT IT WORKED FOR HER.
S.

Wow. It seems like you have a lot on your plate, what with parenting, working and school, you don't have time for much else. Which is what I suspect the problem might be. Sometimes kids act out when they don't feel like they are getting enough attention. I'm sure that it's not deliberate on your part, but sometimes we get so caught up in trying to get everything done, that we forget to have some down time with our kids. Maybe if you try to have a little more one-on-one time with your daughter, things will work themselves out. Good Luck!

C.,
I am not sure if you have support from your family and their father, so i am not sure how you time is spent. I will tell you from experience that she will most likely change her behaivor if you spend more time with her. not in front of the computer/tv/making dinner etc. I know it is almost impossible. But i think she is just trying to get your attention and this is working. let's be honest.
I am a single mother of 2 and they only misbehave when i am neglecting them w/ my time.
Give it one week. Get the supper nanny book. idle hands right... give her chores that are written down, responsibility. make her the big sister w/ a different bed time.
I am going through the same stuff, and this is working. Also, do you yell? do you screem, do you hit. they mimic what they see. be honest with yourself and see what you are and what she is and be honest... it will set you free. good luck. God bless. Mer

Hello C.,

I totally understand your problem. My daughter is 6 years old and I sometimes have the same problem with her. Ever since her father and I seperated and I'm now in a new relationship and have a new little one, she has been quite a handfull. I do the time outs and the taking away things and they don't work. Finally I gave in...she only wanted my attention. I work full time and go to school full time too so it is sooo hard to give that individual attention that they need. Between work and homework who has the time. Well just like everything else I had to make time because face it our children are our priority. Who they turn out to be is how we raise them to be and if we aren't there for them who will be...friends that can provide an even worse influence and further divide the two of you? For christmas I bought a bunch of board games. Two nights a week we have "family time" which because of my hectic schedule only last a half hour to an hour at most. I also developed a schedule to try to make things more ruetine so that she understands my schedule and how i'm trying to do things to provide a better life for all of us so there are days when she will not have my undivided attention. Also every night before i put her to bed i ask her is there anything she would like to talk about or anything that bothered her during the day that she would like to talk about; the first time i asked her this was when i found out that she wanted to spend more time with me. There is nothing like your child saying "mommy I want to have more family time, do things like a family" I took a step back to realize that just because we live together and are in each others presence all the time doesn't mean we are "spending" the time together. Parenting can be so hard sometimes and our children are so hard to understand, but that is when we have to step back and put ourselves in there shoes. Hope this helps a little!! :)

My first impression is that your daughter needs more time with you. Just you and her. I'm no expert but this really sounds like a cry for attention. Does she see her father? Does he know about her behavior? If so, what does he say? Also, I would try counseling, possibly for both of you. If you can't afford it, talk to the school counselor. I hope this helps.

I would either have her speak to her school counselor or take her to counseling. She obviously has some deep seeded issues that she needs to "let out" with someone who isn't in the family. My daughter went through some similar things and she benefited greatly from counseling on more than one occasion regarding more than one issue in her life.

Good luck.

My suggestion is to try some counseling. There are many counselors that specialize in teens and preteens. There may be built up anger and/or other feelings that are a result from the divorce, going through puberty and other issues, like school and friends. Other than that it sounds like maybe some one on one time with you and her, maybe out to a nice restuarant to talk or something. I wish you luck, I know its hard, just remember she is always your daughter.