Becoming a Mom Has Turned Me in to a Grumpy Wife!

I totally went through this after our daughter was born. My husband is a wonderful person and I became an angry anxious person. I would just lash out to him and I felt bad, but just could not control myself.

I then noticed I was like a tigress trying to make sure our daughter was cared for properly and that I wanted my husband to do everything right and know instinctively what I was thinking.. .. I hated the out of control feelings I had.

I went to a therapist and she helped me realize there was a lot going on in my life besides the birth of our child and I was so used to holding it all together and juggling, I was not able to change my priorities, with out feeling like a failure or weak. She also helped me realize part of this was physiological because I was actually not able to hold in these feelings at all.

She prescribed antidepresents and it was awesome to feel like I was in control again. I was able to actually have a conversation with my husband with out feeling like I was going to freak out with him. I was able to take things with a grain of salt. The human brain is complex. There are chemicals that when they get out of wack can really affect how we behave. Having a baby does all sorts of things to a womans body. The brain may take a while to settle.. sometimes they never will and need assistance.

Please seek help. You will feel so much better. Do not wait as long as I did. I thought people on these medications where weak people and just making excuses, until it happened to me.

I am sending you strength. Let your husband know you do love him and you are willing to seek help because you realize you are not being fair to him and your child... and you want to find yourself again.

Exercising does release "happy" hormones. If you go to a gym you also get the interaction that you need from other adults. I think a lot of times as a new mother we are under the impression that everything has to be perfect. Fortunately, our little ones need our love more then anything. Being a new mother is way overwhelming and I wanted it all to just go smoothly. It didn't for quite a while!! I often tell my friends that it is very unfortunate that a mother is prepared to be a mother at 40 and her body is prepared at 20. It is a hard road but just remember that acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step and seeking help does not mean you are weak. I love to be able to grow and improvement as an individual because there are so many benefits!!

I'm sure you are all set with the great responses that you got, but I wanted to add one thing after reading your "What Happened"...did you move to a country where you don't speak the language? When my family moved over there, my mother had a similar reaction to what you are describing...mostly because while my father and the kids (4 of us!) went to school/work and spoke English and worked in English, my mother had to get out there and grocery shop, learn the culture etc. It was STRESSFUL! While we had a built in social network (school/work), it was harder on her. I think that can leave you feeling a bit isolated and resentful too. Settling in to an overseas move and take more out of you than you might think.
Best of luck to you!

I would seek counseling. It doesn't seem like you can pinpoint anything your husband is really out of line about. You seem to know this. Has having more me time arranged helped? What do you do outside of being a SAHM? These little things are critical for a mother's sense of self. SAHMotherhood is really not a very natural state for our human ancestors! Mothers raised their young in groups with other women and still had a role in providing for the "tribe" as a whole--most SAHMs today are very isolated and feel stifled by looking at housework as their only other job besides childrearing. I make a crappy housekeeper:) I know it and if I had to try to juggle my daughter and feel like the house was in a shambles all the time I'd be so less satisfied. Do you miss your old job? Is there a career you'd eventually like to have when your children are grown? This has less to do with your husband's actions than your own sense of self and possibly a chemical issue. I don't know you or your history so that is best left to a therapist. That doesn't mean your husband shouldn't be involved but you've taken the first brave step in admitting you have a problem. Best of luck!

I just noticed from a previous post that you are pregnant--could the hormonal changes and the expectation of more stress with a second be making your emotions run amok as well? During both my pregnancies I've been way more emotional and short with my husband at times, especially when I feel the stress of the life changes coming and my husband seems oblivious.. something to consider as well.

1little1,
I don't know that this will help, but I felt the same way when my son was born three years ago. I was so happy and on a high about having him but then as things settle down and I returned to work and life as they say continues it got really hard for me. I was very anger and found no humor in anything. Anyway to make the long story short I considered going to a therapist but I sat my husband down first and we talked about it. We decided to change some of our schedules so I could get more rest and a few hours to myself (this may sound bad) but I was really tired and it all contributed to me being mean. My husband was on board to do whatever we since he too had noticed the change. It took some time but after a while things got better. I learned not to worry so much if I didn't get things done and if I didn't have energy for dinner it was sandwich or order out but I learned to let most things go and worry only about making sure I was a good partner and mommy. We still talk about this issue because as my son gets older new things come up but for me he was my best counselor. If you don't feel as ease then go with a therapist it's always better to get help early on, I truly believe if Momma ain't happy then no one is happy. I really hope this helps and hang in there I know how difficult and all consuming it can be.

I went throught the same thing. The first year of my daughter's life was the hardest year of my marriage and we were married for 5 years before she came along. You are just not the same person that you were even minutes before your baby was born. The minute you hold her in your arms, you are forever a changed person. I think this goes for your husband too! Try to take a stop and take a breath. Realize that you still have that fun, loving relationship but you both have other things that have to be focused on. My husband and I have been married for 15 years now, and our relationship is just as strong as it ever was. Hang in there!!

Yes, I did experience that same type of thing after our first child was born. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I can see now that I was depressed when all of that was going on. I was so bad that if my dh did anything differently from how I would do it, I would wait until he fell asleep and go re-do it! Even to re-fold towels or put the baby's diaper on the "right way"! It was really bad. I waited over a year until I sought help and by that point I was nearly bed-ridden with depression. You may not think you are depressed, but it sounds to me based on the info you have provided that you may be heading that direction. It is wonderful that you realize there is a problem that is beyond your ability to fix yourself. Go ahead and seek counseling. It is also important to understand (and it seems like you do) that your husband is also adjusting to your wonderful new little creature. Understand that you are both doing your best and you are both under a lot of stress right now. The house will not implode if the towels aren't folded right and the worst thing that will happen if the baby's diaper is on "wrong" is it will sag a little until the next diaper change. The baby will not suffer long term effects (and probably not even short term effects) of things not being done "right". Letting go is hard to do, but you have to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and your marriage to take the best care of your family that you can. Sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation and I encourage you to go forward with your plan to seek help.

I have been married for 22.5 years and I can say that the 1st year of our kids' lives were the worst. I was over tired and missed my adult interaction at work yet the job at home was extremely demanding but boring at the same time. Kids get interesting when they start to speak in my opinion, lol! It is great that you recognize that you are not treating your husband right by finding fault with everything. I would let him see what you wrote above and have an open discussion about solutions. Do not dwell on what you did in the past, do not pick on each other's faults, just start with today and how can you best go forward. Perhaps you can get a local teen girl to be your mother's helper for 1 afternoon a week so you can take a long bath and relax. Perhaps you can get a cleaning service to help out so you can do less work. Perhaps you need to accept that things will not be as clean and organized as they used to be, and that the mustard fits just as well on the shelf as in the refrigerator door, or whatever little irritations you are finding with your husband. Talk to him.

About 6 weeks after my daughter (my first) was born, someone asked me what I was most surprised about. I said that I was most surprised that I was so angry with my husband all the time. I think that it just felt so unfair that my life had seemingly changed so much and his still got to keep the elements of "sameness."

We didn't see a therapist, it got better on it's own, but it did take about 2 years. If you are worried, I think therapy couldn't hurt. But do try "date nights," and have sex more often, if you're not. It's good for both of you and the marriage. Finally, try spending some time _alone_. I felt like I had a lot more space in my life for my husband when I had some space for me. Honestly, a couple of hours every other week to go out alone or with girlfriends probably saved my marriage.

Good luck.

Is there something you resent about him? I'm asking this because I find myself getting angry with my husband on days when he can relax or when he has a day off and does whatever he wants because I am at work and our daughter is in daycare......I rarely get me time that is truly me time and I rarely go anywhere without my daughter...I feel like my entire life has changed and his hasn't......I had to sit him down and tell him how I felt and that I needed his help. I had to tell him that by the end of the day I didn't have any energy left to play wife and that I needed him to help with more things around the house or take some time with her so I could get something done around the house because I couldn't do EVERYTHING while working FT too. He realized what I needed and has been much more helpful and in return I can be his wife because I have the energy and time to do that now. There are still days when I get jealous of his "free time", but I'm learning how to express that in healthier ways rather than ignoring him or being short with him. I hope this makes some sense and maybe helps you.

That you are aware of this is wonderful! Now take steps to help yourself.
For me, exhaustion was an issue, and PMS made it worse.

If you think hormones are imbalanced get that looked into. Get yourself on good nutriton and exercise. Therapy certainly couldn't hurt. And hire some help if you can afford it.

Make yourself stop criticizing your husband. Admit to him that you do it and are trying to stop. That helps keep you honest. Make a date night. Weekly if possible. Your feelings are normal. You've had a major life transition.

My husband is terrific, but I found myself being irritable and criticizing him for stupid minor things too after daughter was born . I've learned that instead of opening my big mouth and making him feel bad over nothing, if I say to myself "I am not perfect either. I am not perfect" it helps control that impulse to make unecessary comments. Also, every single day I tell him something that I appreciate about him.

It sounds like resentment to me. Is your husband helping you with your child or are you doing most of it alone. Go on a date with him and explain how you are feeling. You need some time for yourself, being a mommy sometimes we take a back seat and then resentment and loss comes to play. It isn't that difficult to fix. Start making yourself a priority, and your marriage. Happy mommy, happy family. When you become a parent you have to schedule time for each other unfortunately the days of being spontaneous are on hold. My children are grown so now it is time for my hubby and a I again. Good luck you are not alone.

Besides going to a therapist when is the last time you went out on a date with your husband or had some alone time with him? Make sure you stay intimate with him. I think that will help both of you. In any respect,I wish you and him the best and I hope you get everything worked out.

I feel for you because I found that when our daughter was born, it made me feel closer to my husband. Just seeing him hold our daughter and cuddle her, play with her, it melted my heart. He is the best husband ever and he is an even better father.
I would seek advice from a counsellor because you're right, left untreated/undiscussed you could be heading for real trouble.
Good Luck with everything