Let me preface this by saying what I posted to my Facebook this afternoon: To all the moms I ever judged about their potty training methods... I am so, so sorry.
My husband and I are so frustrated. Our oldest son W., who is 4 and three months, is STILL having potty issues. We started him at 2 1/2, which may have been a little too early, but it's been almost 2 flippin' years!! WHAT THE HECK?!?! Can you tell I'm about to have a nervous breakdown? I am ranting here to keep from ranting at W., because I know that would not help him at all.
It goes back and forth between poop problems and pee problems and no problems (when I think we've finally conquered potty training until weeks later we have another regression). A few months ago it was pooping..he would not run to the bathroom, and he would sit down on the floor and do everything he could do to hold it in, but usually resulting in a little bit of underwear soiling. Day 4 or 5 it would finally happen, after we made him stay in the bathroom forever. At our wits' end then, we resorted to saying, "Buddy, not pooping in the toilet is a baby thing. If you are going to baby things about pooping in your underwear, you will do other baby things too, like eating baby food and taking lots of naps (he has a baby brother)." At that point, peeing wasn't so much of an issue. A day and a half later, he realized it is much better to just use the toilet!
Now he will not run to the bathroom to pee. Letting him stay in wet clothes didn't help--he just didn't care that he was wet. Putting away his laundry is part of his regular chores. I finally figured out that as long as he wore no pants or underwear, he would run to the bathroom. Something about having clothing in contact with his skin made him feel secure in peeing, or something. I don't know. So I've been making him wear nothing but one of my old t-shirts (big, for modesty's sake) if he has any accidents, and it helped. For a few days, as long as he was wearing just the t-shirt, he would "pay attention to his body" and run to the bathroom when he needed to go.
UNTIL TODAY. Today he had pee accidents in those t-shirts TWICE and DID NOT run to the bathroom. GGAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
I have made it clear to him over and over again that he will not be disciplined for having accidents, as I totally understand accidents, but if he wets himself and does not then tell me and run to the bathroom, then there would be a consequence. Not to mention that he cannot do special big-boy things like go to Home Depot with Daddy if he doesn't act like a big boy about the potty. He gets treats for successes. I try so hard to be patient, and we pray about this as a family every night. I just don't know what else to do. He is so smart, so creative, so imaginative. I am at a total loss as to where this behavior is coming from and how to help him get through it.
Please send some advice my way!
Edited to add: In my frustration-fueled rant, I did not emphasize the positive reinforcement we give him. Praise up and down, treats which he can pick out himself at the store. In the past we have done sticker charts and prizes, rewards of special Daddy-dates. It was only and all positive in the beginning. As the months have gone on and on and his 4th birthday came and went, we have had to add more and more negative as "only positive" worked less and less. I have a hard time with "he's just not ready" at this age, especially as that is one of the developmental questions they ask at the 4-yr-old physical. When we JUST went there the other day, I told the Dr. that the t-shirts seemed to work okay, and he shrugged and said, basically, whatever works. Now it's not working, so I think I'll need to call back next week.
Sounds like he gets lots and lots of negative attention for not going to the bathroom.
We gave 1 M&M for pee in the potty and 2 M&M's for pooh. He does very well now that everything is focused on the positive.
I would put him back in diapers. Not in a punishing way, but in a way that will let both of you relax about this whole issue. And not in a shaming way, where you call him a baby. In a nondramatic way, put him back in diapers. Yes, he's on the older side for potty training, but now it's such a big issue in your family, it's a great point of contention for him to not do what you want. What YOU want doesn't really matter--only what HE wants. And I guarantee, he will want to use the potty consistently SOON. Just maybe not today. And stop talking about it to him! Quit trying to reason with him, give him consequences for failure, or treats for success. Just wait for him to tell you he's ready, and it will be a breeze.
What Denise said plus...
What the heck. I get trying at two and a half but if you have no luck you stop, accept that he is not ready and try later. You don't keep kicking that dead horse until you are both frustrated with each other. I feel so bad for your son, everything you did was counterproductive to potty training.
I love the words of my pediatrician, I have never had a patient go to kindergarten not potty trained. Relax.
My younger son was four and my older son was three and a half before they were potty trained. All four of my kids it took less than a week by waiting until they were ready.
Take a break! I know it feels like he's way too old for this and you should be past this by now, but that's not the reality of the situation. The best thing you can do right now is take a break. Let him wear diapers and don't talk about it at all. Try to just let it go yourself and let him be.
I know that seems like an impossible thing to ask, but I really think you will all be happier about it. This is just causing way too much stress for you and the family.
I suspect this is about control and really nothing else. He might not be aware of it, but he wants to have control over this in his life. If you let him wear diapers for the time being, I bet it won't be long before he comes to you and tells you that he's ready to be a big boy and not wear diapers anymore.
Hey, I could be completely off base about this, but I really do think that if you take a break and buy some diapers, if nothing else, you won't be nearly as stressed about it when you try again.
Good luck!
This may be how he gets attention -positive or negative. Have you ever considered the possibility that it has something to do with having a younger brother? Maybe the potty problems enable him getting more attention from you? Does the regressions correlate with having a brother or anything else going on in your family?
I would say stop giving negative AND positive attention to accidents (or deliberate peeing/pooping). And stay EXTRA calm. Simply tell him to change and leave him alone in the quickest possible way WITHOUT showing any negative or positive emotions, that is all.
In addition to this, give him extra positive attention NOT related to potty issues. And emphasize that you love him and trust him.
Try this for at least a couple of weeks. WITHOUT any emphasis or any attention to potty issues. If he is doing it for attention, not getting any should stop the behavior.
Stop humiliating him. Immediately. Making him eat baby food, take naps, not go places with Dad, and praying about it 'as a family' are just horrible! Pray yourself. And pray FOR yourself and patience and understanding and clarity.
You obviously started this when he was not ready. Now it's a power struggle and a mass of confusion and humiliation for him.
But him some large Pull Ups or whatever and let HIM take the lead. apologize for pressuring him for 2 flippin' years.
Kids train when THEY are ready, not when you are ready. Poor kid.
I trained my kids by keeping a potty near them at all times. So if they were in the living room playing, potty is in sight. I also like the "new toy within sight" - great positive motivation. We also trained in summer and have 2 girls so they would only wear a dress and no underwear, sort of what you are doing. We had a potty in the car as well. However, we did the same thing, started our first daughter at age 2 because she asked but she was not physically ready, so back to diapers she went for about 6 months and after that no more stress or accidents. Daughter number 2 trained in about 2 weeks at age 2 because she wanted to be just like her big sister AND she had been dry at night for about 2 months. She can still hold it for about 12 hours!!!! Hope some of the advice you are getting will help.
If he were in daycare, he would be taken to the potty every hour on the hour. Don't wait for him to go by himself, put him on a strict schedule. Don't ask him if he needs to go, just "it's time for potty now". I would remove all rewards and punishments. Just make this a part of the normal day.
Start setting a timer for every 20 minutes. Tell him he HAS to go every time it dings and then make sure he does. Whether he pees or not every time is not the point. If he cannot go on his own, then he will have to be reminded 3 times an hour. I doubt he will like stopping what he is doing for this but too bad. After a day or two talk with him about being responsible enough to go on his own w/o the timer and then give him a chance. If he has an accident, back to the timer. No punishments, no treats. IMO, 4 yrs old is old enough to understand about going potty. Time to get tough. NO REWARDS for doing what he should be anyways.
send him to preschool.....& it will stop. The end.
one of my friends had a stubborn potty trainer. she bought him a toy he really wanted, a light up light saber, and put it up on a shelf where he could see it, letting him know he could only have it when he could go a whole week without accidents. He knew how to go to the potty, and he could do it, he just didnt want to, so it was a matter of making him want to do it. I'm not sure if bribing is the way to go, but it worked for him. we bribed our dd with M&Ms (her fav candy) which worked really well for us.
I'm with you, 4 is past old enough ready to be ready. I'd stop all rewards and treats, have him use the potty every half hour or so, set a timer, and take him if he won't go (he wants to be a baby) and no big boy activities. Hopefully you're not using pullups, since they are just a big boy diaper. I'd expect him to use the potty, and be very matter-of-fact about "accidents" and have him do his part in cleaning them up.
If you have friends with potty trained children, especially younger than him, have him spend time around them so he can see they use the potty on their own. My granddaughter is 3 months younger than one of her cousins, a boy, who was content to pee and poop on himself and then whine to be changed. When he saw my granddaughter going on her own consistently over a weeklong visit, well, let's just say he was completely trained by the time they went home, he wasn't going to let his younger and smaller cousin top him ; )
And I'm going to share a link that may be of help ~
http://www.oh-pin.org/articles/pex-08-potty-struggles-tip...
I'm training my 26 month old and wish you well, God bless.
Hi S.,
I only have advice on the "holding of the poop". My son used to do this too and it was awful. He would only poop every 4 - 5 days and they were gigantic when he would go. Literally would clog the toilet. I would put a little mineral oil in his drink to help make everything slide out and so he could not hold it in. It did help. It's not healthy to hold it in for so long. Maybe that might help with that part anyway. Good luck!
I've got a boy who was a total nightmare to train and was just shy of 4 before I finally figured out that putting him on a strict schedule about going potty worked best for him. Rewards, bribes and consequences didn't work - and in fact seemed to be more of a source for tears then anything else.
Basically every two hours from the moment he wakes up he HAS to go try to use the bathroom. If we leave the house, he HAS to go try. Don't ask if he needs to go, ask if he's gone in the bathroom and tried. Even if it means that you walk into the bathroom and watch him try. He won't ask to go like my other kids.
most of the problem is that he is moderate to severe ADD ( not a hyper bone in his body - so not ADHD). He gets SOOO involved in something and just can't break himself of it to go potty. He's like that with food too and will go hungry if I'm not telling him that its time to eat.
Hope you find something that works for your family!
