Attachment Parenting & (Sudden) Pacifier Use

I am an attachment parenting mom and my daughter used a pacifier for her first three or so years. She loved to suck and it helped her a lot as a transitional object. She's 8 now, very articulate, and just fine. Try not to worry too much, you'll be able to wean him off of it later.

I agree that it's not good for a child to use a pacifier 24/7. So I took the approach of they can have the pacifier while being rocked to sleep, but had to hand it over when they woke up.

One of my children wouldn't take the pacifier and became a thumb sucker instead. You cannot stop them from sucking their thumb all day, so now I think pacifiers are the better way to go.

Very soon he will be able to find the pacifier and put it back in his mouth by himself.

I don't know what attachment parenting is, but since he is 9 months could be the pacifier use that he is teething. I know my little girl (now 10 months) is using her pacifier to help her with her gums. I don't give it to her ALL the time, but she has it. She sometimes sucks on that & other times have a washcloth or toy she wants to suck (or chomp on).

I did attachment parenting (although not part of a community or anything) with my two girls and used pacifiers. When it came time, it was easy enough to wean them from it. Use of pacifiers range from parents who use it as a last resort and those who do use it as a plug to avoid any sound coming from a child. I don't think you'll fall into that category since you're not crazy about it in the first place.

Definately, talk to your nanny about the pacifier just to be sure you are on the same page. It seems odd that she would suddenly start using it.

Let him use it for a while, and when the time comes there are lots of ways to get rid of it. From the pacifier fairy giving it to a new baby to him deciding he doesn't want it anymore.

It sounds like my husband and I practice a similar style of parenting to our 9 month old little girl - we co-sleep, rock or nurse to sleep, respond immediately to her - and she loves her pacifier. She took to the pacifier at about 4 months for sleeping and I think it's really helped her settle into sleeping. She never did find her thumb or take to a blanket or stuffed animal the way that some other babies do. I have chosen to ignore the pacifier critics - I think there are appropriate and inappopriate uses of the pacifier and I doubt from your parenting style that you would ever use the pacifier as a plug. I try to trust myself that I will know if and when the pacifier is negatively impacting my baby in any way and I will then make the necessary change. In the meantime, I am grateful to the pacifier for helping my little girl sleep.

Good luck!

The most important part of attachment parenting is responding to your child's needs, so I personally have no problem with pacifier use so long as it's not in place of comfort from mom and dad. My daughter is 10 months and has used a pacifier when she wants to since she was around 3 months. We co-sleep and are very committed to AP.

Listen to your child - you are doing great.

My daughter pulls the paci out of her mouth when she wants to talk, and we try to only give it to her when she seems to want it.

I think attachment parenting is the best thing for baby. I also think that your son's needs are being met by the pacifier. He has a need to suck, but he's not hungry. That's why he would continuously suckle when you tried to nurse him to sleep.
You are good at meeting his needs. Keep it up. Pacifiers are very useful tools, if he likes it let him have it.

God bless.

A.,

I think pacifiers are fine as long as the person using it with the child is not ignoring any need from the child. Babies enjoy sucking and it soothes them. It sounds like your nanny found something to calm him when your not around and he has taken to it. I wouldn't worry about the use-- your child will give up the pacifier when it no longer serves its purpose. My son stopped at 10mos. I have strong beliefs in attachment parenting and he is just fine-- happy, healthy 2 year old.

Take care,

Molly

I have read about AP methods but don't practice. I was so worried about giving my daughter the pacifier - I was afraid she wouldn't breast feed or be addicted to it. When I finally made it to our 6 week check up and told the Dr that I was nursing her for two hours at night and she was spitting up large amounts all the time - was something wrong? The Dr let me know that I had become the human binky. My daughter just needed to suck for comfortt -basically I was overfeeding her. I had read in a few books that by 6 months they should not need the pacifier anymore etc. I took it away and I guess she really like to suck because she started sucking her thumb. I had never seen her suck her thumb before so what ever she is happy and that makes me happy.

I think a lot of people pass judgment on the ways others parent - when most of us have no idea what that parent's situation is. Don't let a book, method or other parents make you feel like giving your child a binky makes you a bad mom. Sounds like you are pretty devoted to your son's care. If it soothes him and you are comfortable with it then do it. If you just don't want him to have one take it away and let the nanny know not to give him one or have them lying around. If your son really needs that suckling he will start sucking his thumb or on a blanket.

Honestly, I have never understood the anti-pacifier thing. I think it's a farce. My daughter was held a lot, slept in my bed, and was given a lot of automatic attention. I had no idea there was a name for that! So it sounds like we have that in common... I don't believe you can spoil a baby by holding her too much. Sounds like your son uses the pacifier to comfort himself, and even soothe himself to sleep, which is great! Especially if he was over-nursing just for the comfort/sleepiness and then spitting up. I've always tried to avoid using food/feeding as comfort because I would imagine that causes worse problems down the line. I think it's fine, and positive, and he'll grow out of it.

Speaking as another attachment parent, I would not stress or feel defeated about your son using the pacifier. My 10 month old also uses one to help get herself to sleep (while being bounced or rocked), and at times when she is extra gassy or teething. It's great because others can get her to sleep easily. It helps with self soothing, an important skill. I also felt weird going out and about with the pacifier--worried about what others might think. But really, screw them. You know that you have a happy well loved child. You know that you are not using it as a "plug" or replacement for your attention. Rather, you are supporting him as he tries to comfort himself.

I practiced attachment parenting with my daughter and I understand your dilemma. I found myself getting caught up and stressed out about what I was and wasn't supposed to do. My daughter also wanted the pacifier at 9 months and I was really confused. I wanted to give her the freedom to choose her own comfort tool, but I wasn't sure if the pacifier would mask some need that wasn't being met. I finally just got over it and gave her the pacifier for sleep and didn't think it to death. She still nursed and cuddled and let me know when something wasn't OK. Attachment parenting is really about trusting in your children and in yourself. I am sure whatever decision you make will be made with love and care. Good Luck!

We are strong attachmnet parents and thought we'd never use a pacifier but I purposefully introduced one to my 2 year old daughter 3 years ago when I was nursing her through the next pregnancy and she wanted to nurse way beyond what my comfort allowed. The pacifier instead of being a substitute for parental attention became a way for us to snuggle together peacefully instead of my hyper sensitive skin making me want to sream don't touch me. She needed to suck and I couldn't meet that need with the breast at that time. Since then, I haven't had a problem with a pacifier as long as it isn't used as a plug just to shush the baby so I don't have to her it. I often feel sad feelings for toddlers whose parents take away the breast, bottle and pacifier so young when they still need to suck well into toddlerhood.

A.,

You sound like a lovely mom who cares so much about your boy's every need. I wouldn't worry too much about what may be the case for other kids. Your child is a unique individual. He is not being "plugged" since I can tell you aren't that kind of mom so, for your child, he is enjoying it for other reasons. Perhaps he is pre-teething or it just feels good to play with in his mouth and sometimes it soothes him (in addition to all the wonderful ways you soothe him).

My advice is never to make a hard and fast rule or judgment about about anything like the use of pacifiers in relation to
raising your kids. Different kids will respond differently at different times to all sorts of stimuli. If you're an excellent caring mom, like I'm sure you are, it really doesn't matter much and it will all pass.

Two of my kids were quite dependent on the pacifier for a period of time. I forget all the ways I managed it (but had the same issues you have with them) but it doesn't last forever. They seemed to both stop around the same time (they're twins) and it wasn't such a big deal as I had previously thought. (Now my 7 year old sometimes will find one amongst her play things and still enjoys pretending she's a baby and sucking on it! It's just human nature and how we are designed).

The fact is parenting is the hardest job in the world and those little gorgeous creatures will keep us guessing and working hard their whole lives. Just relax and know none of that little stuff really matters. You're doing a great job and your kid will turn out just fine no matter if he has a pacifier or not and if it drives you crazy for awhile just know that if it wasn't that, it would be something else and it will all work out in the end!

A., you've already gotten so many great responses, but let me just echo that you can practice great attachment parenting AND use a pacifier if it's something your baby finds comforting.

My daughter is 6 months and has used a pacifier since she was a few weeks old. She just likes to have something in her mouth when she's going to sleep. If I can be right there and give her the breast, then great. But when I'm at work and she's with her daddy, the pacifier works just fine. She's a happy, happy baby and using the paci doesn't seem to have impacted her negatively at all. It sure beats her crying and trying to stuff everything else in the world into her mouth.

The one thing I would do is talk to the nanny and express your concern that the paci not be used as a "mute button." If you're comfortable that the nanny understands your philosophy, then I wouldn't worry about it.

My short answer: No worries! My daughter's doctor says not to worry unless the dentist says otherwise.

My longer answer:

I am a strong supporter of attachment parenting and I made all kinds of promises to myself about the limits of pacifier use. My daughter has always taken strongly to her pacifier and I've allowed it because it brings her so much comfort (in addition to all the snuggling, holding and cuddling we did). She loves it so much, she was still using it for naps and night sleeping as she approached her third birthday. I made a deal with her about sending off her pacifiers on her 3rd birthday and she said yes. We made it a bid deal and then proceeded to go through a couple of very difficult nights that progressivley got better. Until...

.... until she went to her aunt and uncle's house (they watch her while I work). She was having a terrible time getting to sleep and was very tired from not having slept well. So my uncle gave her the pacifier. I have never felt so angry or so betrayed, but the damage was done. They apologized and said we could start again (they are terrible at being inconsistent - they kept going back to diapers when I tried to potty train her), but I said, no, this isn't something we can go back and forth on.

I spoke to her doctor about it, doc said not to worry unless the dentist said otherwise. She said that as long as we were sticking to sleep-time only, it's fine.

I'm a teacher, so I have much of my summer off. I'm taking the opportunity to potty train her, so the pacifier weaning is on hold for now until she gets that down. She's also going through The Terrible Threes, having skipped the Terrible Twos, and the pacifier helps her sleep when she has wound herself up into a tantrum.

My first son took a pacifier for several months and then for some reason, gave it up. My twin boys ( 9 months) had pacifiers early on while in the NICU and they still like them when they are tired or fussy. I breast feed and give them as much attention as I can. I learned with my first son who is now 2 1/2 that needs change and you kind of just go with the flow. I am all for AP, but at the same time don't let one "method" rule your life. You will find your own instincts will serve you the best. With the twins I was sooo worried that they would never breast feed because they had bottles and pacifiers early on. I wasn't even able to hold them for a week! I thought they would be unable to bond with me, etc. All the added stress I put on myself was totally unnecessary. They finally learned to breast feed, they love to be held and snuggled, and they seem like contented babies. People are always going to criticize some aspect of your parenting, esp. if they are into specific methods of parenting. I can't tell you how many people ask me if my babies are "good" or if they "sleep through the night" or if they use pacifiers... Then the advice always follows. It seems like you are doing your best and loving your child which is most important.

I didn't follow all the principles of attachment parenting, but some of them. Both my kids were pacifier babies. Up until about a year, I let them have a paci pretty much anytime they wanted. After a year, only when upset or sleeping or in the car. After a year and a half for my daughter (my son stopped asking for it around 16 months) only in bed. She just turned two and still uses it for sleeping. We are actually getting ready to take it away, she is becoming more dependent on it and hiding her paci when she wakes up, then going to get in during the day, which she knows is not allowed. I just need to get brave and ready for a tough weekend and finally take it away. I never used it to keep them quiet, and if they were content when little, always encouraged them to take it out of their mouths. It didn't affect speech or language development for either child, both spoke young and very well. My daughter at two speaks better than a lot of three year olds we know. People always think she is so much older than she really is because she speaks so well. We also didn't use it to ignore them. Most of the time when upset and we offered the paci, it was while snuggling in our arms to calm and comfort them. We never used it to keep them quiet or to get stuff done, just as a tool so they could learn to calm themselves eithout being in our arms. They both slept well, my daughter was sleeping through the night at 3 months, and I think having the paci helped them reach that milestone quicker. They also say it reduces the risk of sids, which is great. My son was a lot older before he slept through the night, but it took me some time to not respond to the first whimper and rush in an start nursing him. I found out I was actually waking him up to nurse when he was just a noisy sleeper and stirring in his sleep. Once I stopped doing that, he slept much better. Both my kids had a great desire to suck and were not very gentle nursers, so it was nice especially in the beginning, to have an alternative to the breast when they weren't hungry but wanted to suckle. Don't beat yourself up over the paci thing, I would rather my kids use a paci which you can take away as opposed to their fingers, which you can't.

Hi A.,

We practiced attachment parenting with our now 6 year old. She didn't use a pacifier when she was an infant, but started sometime after age one. I can't even remember how it happened, as she hadn't ever had one before, but suddenly got attached to it. She used it for a while (a year? maybe a bit more?) but eventually gave it up. I wouldn't worry about it one bit. My understanding is that it is important for children to learn how to self-soothe (how to comfort themselves), and pacifiers, like thumb-sucking, are part of developing this skill. I don't think it is any indication of an unmet need or deeper problem. Think of it as developing important skills in self-care.

Best,
S.

I wish my kid would take back the pacifier! Friends tell me it's a great way for them soothe themselves back to sleep. I think you're lucky! But seriously, I'm sure that given your overall attentive style, you and he won't overdo it.

Maybe he's teething. Our children learn habits that we create for them. Just take them away. Put them in a bag and tell him they are going to the paci fairy. We did that with our child. He cried one time and forgot about them. The longer you let him use them the harder to break the habit.
He may scream for a little bit but will fall asleep and learn how to self soothe which is a very important skill to teach your child. Otherwise you will have a clingy kid.

Hi A. :o)

I was a "pacifier" mom. One of my boys LOVED his pacifier SO MUCH! He didn't have a bear, blankie, or anything else to soothe him.....just his pacifier.

My sister took the pacifiers away from her boys at about your son's age, and even though they missed them, she was successful. However, I didn't have the heart to do it to my son. He cried, and just plain 'ole needed it.

My pacifier son is now 5, and completed Kindergarten this past school year. A very secure kid, with an adorable personality :o) I'm very happy that I didn't "follow the norm" and take his pacifiers away just because "I was supposed to". It was a gradual thing, when I thought he was ready.

Do what you think is best. It sounds like you are "in tune" with your son and know what his needs are, so use those instincts to guide you through this.

Good Luck!

:o) N.

We did a bit of a paired-down attachment parenting. My son never liked the sling, and only accomodated the baby bjorn when pressed. But he did sleep in our bed for the first 4 months and was rarely out of eyesight of us.
We got a pacifier when he was about a month old, as he was having crying jags every time we were in the car and unable to pick him up (or even see him since he was rear-facing and we were in the front). We found it helped him sleep, which was good.
There are some real benefits to pacifier use. I will say however, we hate the word pacifier, and instead use the Hebrew word, which translates more closely as "sucker".
-Pediatricians prefer them to thumb sucking because of the ease of weaning later.
-Sucking is a natural instinct in babies which actually soothes them by activating relaxation hormones in the brain. Yes, God gave babies nipples to suck on, but sometimes Mom needs a little more freedom.
-Self soothing is a great thing, especially in conjunction with a lot of parent soothing.
-Kids will still explore the world with their mouths, and still make plenty of vocalizations. My son quickly learned how to smile without losing his grasp on it. So cute!

I just wanted to add as well that at 12 months we changed the pacifier use. I put one in each of his cribs (home, daycare, and my husband's office) and he only uses it for falling asleep. No more car use, no more public use. He sometimes will walk to his room and grab his blankie and his pacifier out of his crib and walk around for a few minutes, but he's good at putting them back too.

In other words, it will all be fine!

I agree with you that pacifiers can be overused and become a negative. However, they do have a place and a valid function. Babies have a inherent need to suck. Your son was satisfying that need completely through nursing, and by your own admittance, this was not ideal as he would sometimes overfeed and spit up. With the pacifier he can satisfy the need to suck, without the worry of overfeeding. We introduced a pacifier with our son at about a month, after breastfeeding was well established, because he would cry to nurse but then spit the milk out because he was not actually hungry. If your son is only using the pacifier to sleep then you do not have to worry that it will interfere with speech or eating. I also think that it can be a real comfort object because for babies it is comforting to suck. I do not know much about attachment parenting, as it is not something I practiced, but it just seems logical and more healthy in the long term to allow your son to learn to comfort himself with something that is not food (ie the pacifier not the breast).

I think that every child is different & need different things.
I was so lucky to have my son within 2 months of 4 of my friends having their babies. We noticed early on that they were all very different and reached the baby book milestones at different times that didn't even match up with the book.
Paci's were a huge topic, my son hated them as did one other girl & the others used them a little or a lot depending on the child. We are going to be celebrating the 4th birthdays this winter & all of the kids are off pacifiers. The boys still have security teddy bears to sleep & the girls are into dollies at bedtime. The kids with the pacifiers got rid of them around 2 1/2 - once all the nasty molar teething was finished.
I think if you keep your baby's teeth brushed and the pacifiers are always clean before sleeping, the dentist will approve the use.
I need to wean myself off sippy cups. I love/hate them & know my son is able to use a cup - but they are so dang convenient and spill proof!!
You are doing a great job - it's hard sometimes to manage your style of childcare with the nanny. We are a no candy/junk food house and yet my son knows what Doritos and gummy bears are from pre-school snack time.

Binkies comfort children.
My 1 yr old loves his binky. I am starting to work with him on being able to give it to mommy. I don't pull it out of his mouth, he drops it into my hand. When he learns that he can give it to me and then get it back, I can start keeping it for longer times until he doesn't need it. When my 5-yr-old was 2, we took his binkies to the zoo to give to the "baby monkeys". That was effective for us.

Hi A.,
It sounds like you're being very attentive to your son. Certainly his needs are being met. If he likes the pacifier to go to sleep, only use it then. The other option is to tell the nanny no pacifiers. If she can't respect that choice of yours, she shouldn't be watching your child. Neither of my kids took a pacifier (I did try.) My son is now three. When he is tired he puts his sleeve to his mouth and does a sucking motion. There is nothing in his mouth, mind you. He clearly takes solace in the sucking motion. Because my son doesn't actually put things in his mouth to suck on, I haven't tried to break the behavior which he has had since birth.

You're right about the "plug." Sometimes pacifiers do truly pacify an upset or colicky or going-to-sleep baby. Other times, the second a baby makes any sort of noise - even happy baby sounds - in goes a pacifier... Every parent is different.

Good luck with your decision.

Dear A.,
I am not familiar with the principles of "attachment parenting". My oldest child is 22 and my youngest turned 13 on Saturday. All kids are different, and I just kind of went by what my kids let me know they needed, what upset them or comforted them. My son never had any interest in a pacifier. My daughter never had any interest in one until I began weening her from her bottle. Then, when I took the pacifier away, she began sucking her thumb (which she had NEVER done previously). I don't think there is anything wrong with a pacifier when you consider that sucking is an instinct that can be very comforting to some children even when they aren't hungry or eating.
One thing you have to remember is that every child is different. None of them come with instruction manuals, and if they did, the kid doesn't comprehend the instructions anyway.
It's learn as you go. Kid by kid. Sometimes, you have to kind of let your baby lead the way.

Best of wishes.

Hi I am also a fan of attachment parenting with my 11 mo old son, my son did not really take to a pacifier when he was little- maybe for the first month as a soother, and I was also glad that I he would not be attached to it, although I do NOT think there is anything wrong with your son using and needing a pacifier- he is still a little baby and if he likes it, be happy that he can self soothe with a pacifier. I have seen some nontoxic plastic pacifiers at natural food stores which may be a healthier alternative. You will probably have to wean him from it in the future but their ways to do that
so try not to worry, a pacifier is far the worst thing a baby can have

He'll probably lose interest soon enough. I wouldn't worry so much about what the attachment parenting community thinks, and would instead trust yourself. (And I've two kids who I nursed and slept with, and never was away from, etc.) You will know when/where to draw the line. I wouldn't let the pacifier use go too long because it may mess up his teeth/mouth formation. But maybe he'll just get sick of it. If you need to have him stop, I would recommend considering cold turkey and getting it over with in a couple of days.

Trust yourself!

my son started using the pacifier aroung 7months, before that he did not want anything to do with it. He started I think because of teething and it helped him go to sleep. i have heard a lot of things lately about the pacifier not being that bad and actually good for them to have one at nite. They say that it could help against SIDS. He probably is using it for self soothing which is good, and as he gets older he will learn to put it back in his mouth himself. I would try and keep the pacifier use down when he is a wake, but it has helped my son a lot with teething.

Hi:
We practiced AP with our daughter...now 14 months. She uses a pacifier to soothe her gums when she's teething. I wouldn't worry about it. I myself like to chew gum occasionally...doesn't mean I'm stressed or that my needs aren't being met...I just like to chew gum. If your child really wanted something from you, at 9 months he/she would let you know...sometimes with teething they just need the comfort.

A pacifier is not a bad thing, for babies it it very soothing. Especially since you've been using nursing (which involves sucking) as a way to get him to sleep. A pacifier mimicks nursing without the food. I used a pacifier with both my children, and it wasn't a plug that substituted for needs not being met. People look too far and read too much into things. At nine months he doesn't need to be fed to sleep, he probably just liked the sucking and didn't want the food and that is why he would spit up and get full, because you didn't offer him another way to soothe himself to get to sleep. Again, babies crave the sucking, even at 9 months. You mentioned kids need their mouths free to explore and speak, well hopefully you will only use the pacifier when needed, at naptime and bedtime. I think you are over thinking this and should just meet your childs needs. When he gets older and can talk to you and tell you things you can talk to him about not needing/wanting the pacifier, until then let your child haave the pacifier and know his mouth and teeth will be fine, he will speak and explore, but will get to sleep easier. Good luck and know it is just a pacifier.

Hi A., first off congrats on the attachment parenting! It takes a lot of time, patience, and enegery but pays huge dividends in the end. We do it with both of our boys (one is adopted and the other is biological) and cannot imagine anything else. That being said, I don't think the pacifier is bad per se. My oldest never used the pacifier. He is 5 and still sucks his thumb to fall asleep. My baby when he was younger (he's 16 months now) would suck anything that came even close to his face. He was like a sucker fish! It is just a way to self-soothe. If it is working for him, let it go. If you don't like it, but it is working for him, try to substitute it with something else such as a lovey. My youngest won't take a lovey unless I flat out refuse to breastfeed (we are weaning because I'm done). I still carry the youngest and hold the oldest all the time. When I notice one sucking their thumb and it isn't nap/bedtime I try to get them to do something else with their hands. Play dough, coloring, playing in water, "cooking", etc. Just find something that will help him self-soothe if YOU can't stand the pacifier. BTW, we used a pacifier for the baby and he finally just started trying to get his older brother and the cat to suck on it when he was about 12 months. He's also a thumb sucker. Good luck.

my first daughter loved her pacifier. she had and continues to have an oral fixation. she is always chewing on stuff. she bites her fingernails (she is 7 now). the only problem i had with it then was that she had to have it all the time. she never had a problem talking because we made her take the pacifier out of her mouth when she spoke. Also as time went by (she was 3 when we finally got rid of it), we only allowed it certain places. She could have it in the car or at nap time, or night time. But having 3 kids and having watched her grow into a well spoken girl, for her it was just apart of her personality. my other 2 kids never took to it.
maybe he is teething and it soothes him? not sure, but i wouldn't worry about it. believe me it will be the least of your worries.

This one seems pretty straightforward: If you don't want your son to use a pacifier, don't have any in the house. It really doesn't matter what other people think; there are going to be pros and cons. What matters is how you feel about pacifiers. You can substitute other soothing materials, like a blanket or stuffed animal. You can try (safe) teething rings, which are probably a good idea at this teething age. Best wishes.