At What Point in a Relationship Do You Start Talking About More?

Has he told you he loves you? Have you told him? If so, anytime after that is good IMO.

Although for M. saying I love you to someone is HUGE and I wouldn’t say it casually so when my husband and I said it to each other for the first time, I knew we would eventually get married.

It depends what you want, and what he wants. Six months isn't very long in my opinion. There's probably a lot you don't know about each other yet.

I've been married and divorced twice, and I am not interested in another marriage, or even sharing my living space, and my daughter, with anyone. So for M., having an ongoing dating relationship works J. fine. I've been seeeing the same man for over three years, and we have no other "intentions".

To minimize casualties and baggage, I recommend dating with a purpose. If your purpose is to find a life partner, then these conversations about life topics are appropriate at any time. I have some friends that recommend delaying conversations about life topics in an effort to not "scare the guy away". But, I reason, that if a man is intimidated by life topics, then he is not a good candidate for a life partner.

When you begin contemplating sex it's time for the "state your intentions" talk. If he's not willing to be there for better or worse, or in sickness & health then he's not worth it.

Dating is shopping for a spouse/life partner - otherwise it's J. "hooking up" which is demeaning to body & soul. Better to be alone with yourself than with someone who doesn't cherish you.

I think building the friendship is the way to go but pretty soon I think you guys should move into the 'when we' stage.

~I will never forget when we had that very first conversation, that 'what about our future' conversation...we were at my apartment, he was sitting on the floor with his back up against the wall, I was laying sideways with my head in his lap and we were J. talking...random conversation...and somehow it turned and he was talking about how much time we were spending together and then he J. busted out with "My place is nicer than yours, you should move in with M."! And the rest is history, as they say!

I do think there is some truth to the 'when u know u know'....so do you know? If yes, then you should start the conversation and see what happens...no sense wasting time with someone who doesn't 'know' back, right?

I think each person is different. There are some people that J. have their way of figuring things out and there are people like M..

I do think there comes a point where you are kicking a dead horse and most people know when they hit that point. What you have to watch out for is rationalizing that it is good enough. Ya know, the I wish he had (blah blah blah) but he is really stable and a good provider. Great if you want a roommate that pays their bills on time, not so great for the love of your life.

Hi Jen
Every relationship is different so I will give you my experience.
I was in a relationship for ten years,we lived together off and on ,no kids,no marriage plans etc and eventually we became more like friends.I wasn't in love with him for a long time,we were drifting and I stayed for a way too long.
We spilt and 6 mths later I met my hubby,he proposed after two months,nine months after we met we were married,pregnant two months later with our son. We are now married 5 yrs,very happpy with another baby on the way.
I think the key is to be honest with yourself,as long as your happy and it is working for you then all is fine.
All the best
B. k

I was off and on with mine for a decade before we realized that no one else would ever do. We weren't ready back then. We had to grow and mature as individuals. So, 6 mos, I wouldn't worry. But ask yourself - can you see yourself with this person in 5 years? What does it look like? Is this a person you could buy a home with, raise kids with, depend on in sickness and in health? If the answer is no than you are J. treading water until the right one comes along - only catch is, the right one wont come along if this guy is cock blocking and getting in the way. If the answer is yes - then you can start dropping the referances to future plans and watch for his reaction. When you mention Christmas plans now, will he put his hand in your s and smile warmly, or will he suddenly remember he has somewhere he needs to be? That should give you an indication if he feels the same way.

I think it is important to talk about your goals in life and make sure that you are going in the same direction before you waste too much time and get too emotionally invested in someone that you choose to put your needs to the side. Ultimately you end up unhappy because your needs are not going to be met in the long run. So while you don't have to talk about your future "together" necessarily, I think it is important to talk about what the other person wants in their future. Do they ever want to get married, do they want kids, how do they view marriage, etc.....there are so many things that you need to be on the same page on with your spouse that I think you should start talking about things like that basically from the get go to know that you want the same things in life and are going in the same direction. After you figure out that you are both going in the same direction, I guess that is when you start talking about your future together. I am not sure if that is the type of answer you were looking for or not, but that's all I've got! LOL ~

I J. knew, but we dated for a year and when my lease was up (we lived in separate cities), he suggested that we move in together. We lived together for another year and a half before he proposed. My daughter was with us, which made things more complicated, but he married us both. :) We were engaged for a year and 4 months and we got married in 2004 and are still going strong! We have 2 kids.

At what point do you look into your future, and that person is there with you for your "life goals"?
That's when.

start with friendship. Its the best basis for a loving relationship. You will know when its time to start planning the future. I think you can see it in their eyes & in their touch.6 months in & no talk, wouldnt alarm M., 6 months isnt that long. Talk about your desires and wishes for the future, not necessarily relationship wise, and have him share his ideas. From that you can determine alot. i wouldnt push anything, sometimes too serious of this talk can scare certain guys off. (but maybe thats good too?) I think future talks do J. happen when the moment arises, talking about someone elses upcoming marriage opens the door, about other peoples kids etc. But even then, sometimes it takes meeting "the right one" to even think those things. I never thought I'd remarry, I had my heart set on getting an old VW bus & touring the country with my cat! LOL now I have a 14 month old & im getting married in1 month.

you know when it is right for the relationship ... and you both may not be on the same wave length at the exact same time ... if you are ready then talk to him about it and see what he has to say about it. If you are ready to move in or share something along those lines the say, "Frank, I think I am ready to to talk about sharing some closet space with you in my apartment/home is that something you are ready for or have thought about?" start small and go from there. I have been with my man for 6+ years, we have a child and have lived together for pretty much all of those years and we are now talking about getting married, buying a house etc. We have a good friendship and love life and have been consistantly strong thru the entire time ... never had the "close call" of breaking up. Not to say we have not had our fair share of hard times, we have J. worked thru them together and come out the other end better and stronger. One thing my mom always told M. was before you start thinking future/move in etc allow the first big fight to happen and see what comes of it. How it is handeled will tell you a lot about each other. So, really it should and will all happen organically you do not need to create a problem or start any drama.

My hubby and I started dating with no expectations for a future together. It was not until we had been together for a year and a half and he was leaving for the military that it finally struck us that we needed to talk about the future. My advice, do not stress and J. focus on the fun you are having getting to know each other. If it comes time for that next step it will happen naturally.

Kat D has a good point. You don't want to scare your man but you should be having conversations regarding your future. How old are you? Are you exclusive with this person? Any red flags? At 6 months you should start talking about how things are going especially if the two of you are spending lots of time together. It is fine to enjoy and have fun and take one day at a time and not rush.... but unless you want to be a non committal professional dater why would any woman or man for that matter waste their time.

Hi, Jen:

First of all, How are your finances?
Do you make enough money to take care of your
responsibilities?

Does your income match your expenses?

Do you have your income and expenses written down in a format
that you can show where all your money comes and goes?

This is the first thing.

Income:
1. Work
2. child support
3. Gifts of money

Expenses:
1. Rent/Mortgage
2. Utilities
Telephone
internet
TV
Electricity
Gas
3. Child Care
4. Car Expenses
Insurance
Maintenance
Gasoline
5. Food
6. Clothing
7. entertainment

If you have all your finances in order you will be ready when you all decide if
you want to get married or live together.

When you begin to talk about becoming committed, then you ask him for his income and expense statement and you show him yours. Then you
work on how to combine responsibilities.

The agreement will have to be satisfactory for both before a joining of lives are initiated.

This is my thoughts on the subject.
Good luck.
D.

It depends on a lot of things. I love some of the answers you got already. For M., when i was younger 6 months or a year was not long to M., and waiting to talk about those things didn't bother M., I had plenty of time. I dated some for a short time and others for years. Now that i am turning 40 in less than two weeks, and I am a single Mom with two kids my outlook is different. I am wiling to talk about the future and things i want in a relationship on the first or in the first few dates. I don't have the time like I used to, and I am not interested in wasting 6 months or a year with someone who can't be with M. because we have different plans for our futures. I have scared a few off, but I figure it is better now than later. I am emailing a guy right now I met online and he wants to meet M., knowing quite about what I want already and we have not even met yet. I will have to say there is something to be said for the J. knowing part. I found that once in my life but due to circumstances we broke up(he was in the military overseas for 6 years) and now I wish I had hung on with him, because I truly loved him and always thought we would be married. So if you do get that feeling listen to it. Anyway, that was way more info than you asked for. Good Luck and I would talk to him if you are older but if you are younger feel free to take your time.

Well, my husband and I started dating the beginning of our high school senior year and were planning how many kids we were going to have by Christmas :o) But I don't think that's the 'norm' LOL

I think that if you can see yourself marrying and building a life with this person, then maybe wait a little longer for those talks. Maybe he was burned before and doesn't want to rush things? You gotta go with your gut.

I'm 45. I don't know how old you are. I can say that it seems the younger people are the more in a rush they seem to be to get married cuz they're "in love". But not everyone is in a rush and not everyone knows that they've met "the one". J. because someone is "in love" they usually think that they've met "the one". Love clouds common sense. You need to do what is comfortable for the two of you. I can say the longer you wait the more you learn about each other and will know if things are right or not. There are SO many equations to take into consideration on whether a couple should get married, not J. because they're "in love" and are comfortable. People really need to ask the serious questions about family, children, future. I think it's always a good idea to ask each other those serious questions about money, marriage, kids, even death. It's important to know where you stand vs his family. Is he a mama's boy? Is he too clingy with his family to the point that he will choose them over wife and children? This happens a lot and then the wife has to make a stand and it can become messy. I would suggest going online and find a list of important questions to ask each other. As much as I don't always care for Dr Phil, he does make good points about knowing each other well before getting married and he may have some good info at his web site. Money always comes into play with marriage. Will you both work? Will you work after having children? Who will pay the bills and balance the books? Will there be an allowance between the two of you? Another big topic, household responsibilities. It's not usual at all for the husband to come home from work and sit on his butt while the wife is still picking up, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and tending to the children. Many fights have been over this issue. My philosophy is, every does their own laundry, including the kids starting at about age 8-10 (full laundry, not J. collecting or folding). If hubby works and wife is home, hubby should cook at least 2 nights a week. Or wife cooks and hubby cleans up. Share duties with the kids with baths and what not. Believe M., one day you will find yourself fighting over the littlest things in your home and the sooner you discuss the little things the better things will be. But if you find that his answers do not match up to yours, don't think that he will change or that it's not a big deal. When you're in the thick of things knee high in laundry and dirty diapers it will be a HUGE deal!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I think it depends on how old you and the guy are. I know that when I was younger and my friends were, the future didn't come up as quickly. As we got closer to 30, it seemed (for the ladies at least) that you pretty quickly realized whether you were future bound or not. For M. and my husband, we had a conversation when we had been together for about year (I was 28 and he was 29) -- he was VERY VERY allergic to my 2 cats so in jest, I said that if he was ever thinking marriage, we needed to talk about it so I could decide what to do with the kitties.....so we seriously talked and he told M. to decide what to do with them. He proposed 2 months later. That was 5 and a half years ago.

Enjoy the time together and have fun!

With my now-husband those discussions J. happened naturally. When we felt like talking about those things, we did. If one of us wasn't ready J. yet to talk about something specific then we said so. They happen when they happen.

Why are you in a rush?