At My Wits End with My Sensitive/crying/tattling 7-Year Old

Updated on June 19, 2008
M.S. asks from Windsor, CA
4 answers

I'll start with the given - I love my daughter and that's why I am writing today - I need to help her. I am at my wits end with her and have no idea what to do. I'm out of ideas. She has always been an emotional girl and very sensitive. However, ever since she started Pre-Kindergarten 4 years ago it's been an ongoing issue, especially in social situations. When she gets upset she automatically cries. She doesn't stand up for herself or fight back (figuratively) or verbalize, just cries - sometimes hysterically. And it can be over anything from falling down and hurting herself to a friend being mean to forgetting a stuffed animal at someone's house. It all is the same on the hysterics level. For example if she were to fall and hurt herself, I would of course do what we mom's do - acknowledge her hurt, comfort her, patch up her wound, give her a kiss, etc. to make her feel better. Unfortunately, my daughter, once the issue starts to wrap itself up will conjure it up all over again and become hysterical again and again. Sometimes I think it's for attention, but other times I think she just can't control it.

In Pre-Kindergarten, the school was considering having us hold her back because they said she was too immature to go on to Kindergarten, even though cognitively she was at the top of her class. My husband and I disagreed because we felt the structure of Kindergarten was what she needed - she's always been kind of a "busy" kid and we felt she'd have less time for drama in a more structured class. We all finally ended agreeing that being sensitive was her personality and she'd go on to Kindergarten, but that we needed to give her tools to handle this sensitivity issue - deep breaths, reminding her to stop and think before reacting, etc. In Kindergarten she shined - structure makes her a stand out. Her school work is great, and she's at the top of her class academically - teacher's love her. Overall, in Kindergarten, she had her moments, but overall she did very well emotionally and it was never a question of her going on to first or second grade.

Fast forward to second grade and it's going backwards and starting to affect her place at school. It is agreed that she is well liked by her peers, but because of her emotional outbursts, she's become a target for "mean girl" bullies because they love getting that reaction from her and know that she won't stand up for herself. She worked with the school counselor on ways to deal with this at the end of this school year. She seemed to be making progress according to her teacher and the counselor.

She also tattles constantly over the smallest stuff at home and at school, particularly over things that other kids are doing or not doing (ie breaking rules). According to her teacher the tattling was almost non-existent by the end of the year, but you would never know it at home or on play dates here. She tattles about the smallest things like, for example, yesterday, her brother burped and didn't say excuse me while I wasn't in the room and for this she had to make a trip into my office, interrupt my work to tattle on him - I have no idea what she expected me to do about it. Being the big sister she could just as easily have said, "Kyle that's not polite, you should say excuse me". He probably would have done what she said. This also gets her in trouble with her peers. She just can't seem to mind her own business.

Yesterday she had a friend over and she got hysterical when the girl accidentally broke something of hers - I understand her being upset and the little girl apologized right away, but the hysterics went on and on and on to the point where her dad and I had to "yell" to get her attention to stop. I don't think that's what we should be doing, but that's the only way she stops. This morning the little girl was using her hair ties while doing her hair. Instead of telling the girl - you can borrow them until you go home, she comes down here to tattle and is hysterically crying about how she doesn't want the girl to take her hair stuff home (my daughter is very well spoken, so it's not like she can't verbalize). These are just two of the incidents I had with her in the time her friend was here - less than 24 hours. I could deal with it if they started to fight and there was yelling and screaming or if she tried to handle things and if it ended in tears. But this constant crying and hysterics and tattling has me at my wits end. What am I not doing or doing that is contributing to this? I feel like the worst parent right now.

Apparently at other friends houses this isn't an issue (I've asked several other friends moms). But when she has people over here or we're in social situations with others, she is constantly the one whining and crying and tattling to me (sometimes she'll even tattle on kids to their own moms when I'm sitting right there). I have to constantly play mediator and I'm at the point where I don't want her to have friends over because she can't handle it and it's just one big drama after another. She'll be 8 in two weeks and in 3rd grade next year. I feel like I need to help her this summer or that 3rd grade is going to be a social disaster for her.

I see it affecting my five year old son. He is starting the same tactics except he won't say anything, he just cries and lets her tattle on him for crying. And now he's tattling over tiny things that aren't his business too - he never did that before. I've tried not acknowledging the whining or tattling. I've tried school counseling. I've tried talking to her about how her actions affect others and herself. I've tried consequences for being overly dramatic or tattling. I've tried making sure she hangs out with girls with very healthy self esteem (like the girl over yesterday). I've tried keeping her in social activities so she can practice her social skills. Yet it goes on an on. Any advice on what to do about this would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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So What Happened?

Thank you so much for all the responses to my request. I was so upset that day and felt just so inadequate and your responses made me remember I was not alone. We've since sat her down and had a real long talk with her about her behavior and how it's affecting her and others. We've discussed consequences if she continues to tattle. We've asked about how she's feeling and why she thinks she's acting out this way. It was very productive and thus far we've had two very good days. I also have looked at the time I spend with her. I do spend a lot of time with her because I am involved in many of her activities (ie: Brownies, Drama, Talent Show, etc.). I realized that she has to share me at those times and perhaps she is missing me one on one, so we're going to start doing "girl things", even if it's just weekend errands so we can hang out alone more often. I'm not sure if that's going to solve it all, but I feel it can't hurt, right? - and it's win, win for both of us. Thank you again for your help.

More Answers

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L.S.

answers from San Francisco on

My 10 year old daughter is quite sensitive, very compassionate and gets her feelings hurt easily. She is often the target of bullies because of her emotional outbursts, usually anger-driven. I recently discovered that she has Sensory Integration Dysfunction. I read The Out of Sync Child to get some insight into how she is "wired". I am also seeking professional counseling to help her understand what gets her frustrated and how to deal with the situation.

I am not saying that your daughter fits into this category. But I can completely relate to the overreaction comments you made about when she hurts herself. I have always said that my daughter could stub her toe or cut off a limb and the reaction would be the same. What I have learned is that the sensory INPUT is heightened in her case (more than what a "normal" person would feel). It only makes sense that her OUTPUT is also greater than a normal person's reaction. This has helped me tremendously in giving her a little more leeway to have those outbursts without feeling completely overwhelmed myself. She is making great progress with a counselor.

Again, this may not be the case for your daughter, but you may want to look into it.

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C.H.

answers from San Francisco on

She is doing this to get your attention, because she knows it works. You need to explain to her negative attention versus positive attention. She sounds like she would respond well to it. Also if she continues to act this way she will get the naughty or time out chair. Eventually she will learn that any behavior that you set limits on is not acceptable and that there are consequences for her actions.

Have you ever heard of the tv show, Supernanny? Check it out. There are great tips in there for any age.

I also have a daughter HIGHLY sensitive. She has been her whole life and she went through these same things. She is now 17 and tattled on her sister last night. Once she was reminded of her actions she stopped and didn't do it again, eventhough her sister and her were squabbling all night.

It doesn't matter what age they are. They still need their boundaries set for them. Good luck and take care!

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

First of all, don't think you're a bad mother. This isn't as bad as it seems.

My two thoughts are -- do you give her enough attention? I have a feeling you do, but I have to cover that base.

So assuming you give her enough attention, my take would be to handle it shortly and sweetly, if she tattles say something like "that's nice," and then ignore it, and if she's crying over nothing tell her you'll help her out when she calms down. This sounds like something you shouldn't give too much attention to.

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S.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi there~
You've got your hands full here and try not to be hard on yourself, but to keep this short and sweet I read these things in your email: she maintains composure (for the most part) in class and on play dates.

She's really emotional at home where it's safe to let down her guard.

However, I think at home is where she gets the biggest "reaction" from adults.

My idea would be to give her a place to tattle and get it out of her system.

I teach kdg. and have a turtle we've named "Tuck." Tuck is the Tattle Turtle and you can whisper your problem to him and he will tuck it away for you.

Believe me, 20 kids, age five.....LOTS of tattling.

I'm curious about your daughter's birthdate as well. Many parents find that their children are "ready" for school cognitively but my experience is that if they need the gift of time emotionally, it is better to give them that and wait to enter kindergarten.

Perhaps your daughter is a fall birthday and is just not always socially mature enough to deal with the grade level and peers with whom she has to interact.

I'm sure by the end of the school year, she's matured just enough to "handle" the peer situations.

Then, whooops!, off she goes again the following year:new set of kids, new sets of problems.

Another thought, give her, for example, five tattles a day. If she exceeds that number, there's a consequence.

One more thing, good for you for sending her to the counselor but those school counseling visits are few and far between.

It's unfortunate. How about a behavioral therapist?

Good luck!
btw: i have three girls: 11.5, 9 and 5. =-)

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