At a Lose...!

We both got into reading philosophy. we gto books like Eckhart Tolle Power of Now and A New Earth. We also got one on Emotional Intelligence and The Five Love Languages. we would read them and then switch them and talk. It just helped both of us understand each other (I am way right brained and he left.) Try watching the Oprah Soul Series. You can go to the website for the archive of the guests for the webcasts and "shop" for authors you like.

There are a lot of great books that can help couples. Someone else recommended books by John Gottman - they are great. I also like The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis. My colleagues and I have written several books on couple communication you might find helpful: 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, or Fighting for Your Marriage, by Markman, Stanley & Blumberg (I'm Blumberg). You can go to www.smartmarriages.com for lots more recommendations.

take care, S.

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks was featured on Oprah. He is a therapist that absolutely walks the walk.

Don't feel responsible for ALL the communication or lack of it. Your husband is as much a part of the equation. Hendricks has some great exercises to improve communication.

Good luck.

He sounds pretty sensitive. Usually the temper is a defense mechanism in men so we don't see how sensitive they are (which to them means weak).

Try saying things like, "I love you but I LIKE you a whole lot more when you can talk to me without blowing up." And "I'm not trying to make either of us wrong, but I always do it this way, can you show me your way?"

I think a lot of times we tend to make each other "Wrong" in relationships. If you keep it sincere and don't try too hard to control everything, he'll see that you really do mean well and he may be more willing to shed some of that tough exterior.

A good read is How to hug a porcuppine. Also if you like books, read the 5 love languages if you can find what your dh's love language is you can build in that area so the other areas aren't so negative in his mind. that is the real issue, not what we are saying or what they are saying but how it is perceived. when we learn how they are perceiving these things worse than we intend (shudder) I do the same thing too though--anyway those books have helped me alot--my husband and I had to learn not just to communicate, but to communicate with each other. lol. seems like if I am speaking English and he speaks english he should know what I am saying but...I often filter what he is saying incorrectly as well. It's a work in process but we definitely do better now--

Well, it's hard to give you anything without more details than just you are having a hard time communicating with your husband. It really depends on what type of criticism you are talking about.

Stop criticizing him! Men don't need it from their wives. They need their wives to be the one person in the entire world that they feel safe and admired and can talk to. He already knows what his faults are. Do you like to be criticized or told what to do?

I know I sound harsh but I am a recovering criticizer-controller. Read a book about the way men think. The way to their hearts is through admiration and respect. Complain about your problems to your female friends, but to your husband, if you must ask something of him, "Sweetheart, would it be too much trouble if you . . . and then back off."

Good luck,

Marci

No man takes critcism well. They may respond differently, but they all take a hit to the ego when the woman they love criticezes them. Not to say some times they dont need a bit. However, I read two books that I feel have helped my marriage GREATLY!!! Dr. Larua's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and Love and Respect.(not sure of author right now). The latter is a Christian author, but only the last two chapters or so are really focused on faith. Regardless of your beliefs, this book has some EXCELLENT tools for marriage communication.

I reccomend you read the Love and Respect together if he is willing. Also, Dr. Laura wrote the Proper care and Feeding of Marriage more for men.

Good luck and love on your hubby, even when you dont feel like it!!! More importantly respect him!!!

In the begining with our first child, we made a deal that if we had a problem or question about the way one if us dealt with a situation, we would not address it right away. We would talk about it once the situation was resolved and tempers or deffensive responses were at a minimum. It worked for us.

hi, have you tried to wright things down.instead of critizising him, try telling him how you feel, or how what he is doing makes you feel. sometimes its easier to say these things in notes than in person. then have him wright you back, and exsplain his side. hope this helps.

Read "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by Gottman. It is an excellent book. He explains the difference between "criticisms" and "complaints" and that helped us communicate a lot better. I think it may help. :o)

How about just stop critisising him? Sometimes we feel like our way is best and he's doing it wrong. Just go a week without any criticism at all and see what happens. Honestly try to appreciate the differences in each other. If we were the same, one of us would be unnecessary.

Eventually, he won't feel so nit picked and you can decide which things are really important to you. My guess is that you'll be able to accept 99% of it and for the 1% that really matters, your husband will be so refreshed by not being nagged all the time that he'll be willing to hear your sincere issues.

The way you phrase things can make a difference in how he responds. Rather than saying "you do this, and you do that", focus on your feelings "I feel this way when this happens". That might keep him from being defensive and keep the lines of communication more open. My husband and I always look for ways that we can both solve a problem (ie. even if one person is to "blame", we can both take responsibility for changing the things we do, say, or feel to help solve the problem - for instance, if the kitchen is regularly messy - hubby can watch the kid to give me a chance to clean, or he can change his expectations to not expect it to be clean for the day till after the kid goes to sleep, and then I would make extra efforts to ensure it got done by then, etc. We both have a responsibility to solve the problem). So if you looked for ways to help solve a problem, I think he would be less defensive. You can let him know that you want to talk, but if either of you starts getting angry, you'll have to postpone the discussion until you've both settled down and are ready to have a productive talk again.

Sometimes there are things we just have to bring up to our man, right? After all it's never going to change if we don't discuss it. It's the way that it's presented that generally causes defensiveness/anger/temper. Also, make sure that you praise him more than criticize. A great business leader once said to be sure to sandwich any criticism between 2 praises. It really can make a difference (even if sometimes you just say "I think you're great" or "your so good". don't forget the power of "I love you.")

Try using I messages. Take him out of the statement. Instead of "you never put your socks in the laundry" or even "I wish you would put your socks in the laundry" you would say "it's difficult for me when the socks aren't in the laundry. I can't always find them and make sure they're washed." Your brining up your feelings with the situation only, not with him. If he gets upset, your job is still to stay calm. Say something like "I'm sorry, I wasn't tryig to criticize (or nag). I'm just bringing up a topic I think could use some discussion."

Also make sure you are REALLY listening to him. Try to hear beyond the temper and get to what he is trying to communicate. Listen without interrupting, then restate what you heard, very calmly (not accusatory). What you heard may not be what he meant. Just say "so you're telling me ..." When a man feels like you're listening, he'll be more likely to discuss things.

If it doesn't work, don't be afraid to look into couples counseling. There are some great places that focus on communication (so there's really no implication or expectation that couples find their relationship in trouble.) If you both learnto communicate with respect for each other it should help things calm down. But it's not going to happen overnight and it does take work from you.

tell him how wonderful he is and pray about you're struggling with. maybe he doesn't need critism.

I agree that the Five love Languages may give a good insight on how to communicate with your hubby. I find that most people do not take criticism well. The key is not to criticize but talk. So look at how you are phrasing things and see if there is a more (for lack of better word) diplomatic way to phrase it. I found that appealing to my hubbys male ego helps. He's a fixer by nature so if I need something I phrase it to make him a hero. Such as, it would be such a huge help if you would do______ or I'm not going to be able to do _____ would you get it for me. Also the approach of I feel_____ when when you do/say_____ is a good approach too. I dont remember where I read it, but by even switching a word helps such as would you vrs could you.( Im not sure why it made a difference with my hubby but it did) Make sure that you are also treating him like your husband and not like one of the little ones. I discovered one day that my voice would get the same edge with my hubby that I used when I would tell my little girl something. For awhile I treated him like I would my daughter and didnt even realize I was so stuck into mommy mode. Sit down and talk to him about what is bothering you but make sure there are no accusing ( insert the I feel____ in the conversation). Good luck