Arguing - Thousand Oaks,CA

We rarely argue and almost never fight. However, we have periods of disagreement where it's hard to just chat about the regular stuff until we get things sorted out. Mostly, we just try to get through each day.

I have a few Facebook friends who, if you go strictly by what they write in their statuses, are just as in love as the day they first fell. But in spending even a little time with them, I see the eye rolling and I hear the little comments. I don't take any of it (the good or the bad) too seriously.

The issues that come up between us tend to revolve around parenting differences (nothing crazy) and how we're spending what tiny little free time we have (I get annoyed if there's too many trips to the gym on his part, he gets annoyed by my time on the computer... speaking of which, I ought to be in bed!).

We don't argue often, at least I don't think we do. Maybe once every couple of months to sometimes about once a month. When we disagree it's always about money or his mother.
My husband used to think the same as you- that we are the only ones that fight- and the only ones who yell at each other when we do argue. But then we started hanging out with some couples and he realized- everyone argues and it's usually the same things over and over. And I think their disagreements went on longer then ours do. When we get angry at each other we let it go for 24 hours- if either of us is still upset then we talk about it. Otherwise we let it go and move on.
Every couple argues and it is usually about the same things over and over. It's actually healthy to disagree sometimes- you just have to have boundaries. When we argue we try to just stay on the topic we're disagreeing about. Most importantly (and we used to do this a lot) no cheap shots. No saying anything just to hurt the other person's feelings.
Good luck to you.

Don't worry - you are definitely not the only "happy" couple who fights. Most good relationships require a little conflict occasionally. My husband and I are very happy, but we will definitely go through periods when stresses are high and resistance is low to the things we normally tolerate or overlook - and yes, it is frequently about things that we have argued about/discussed in the past.

Usually, the resolutions don't come about during those times. Most often, we are able to discuss and come up with reasonable solutions when we are feeling loving and forgiving towards one another.

What do we argue about? sharing responsibilities, pet peeves, how to handle his live-in mother :). How long does it last? until we forget about it - usually a few hours/ a day - or until one of us apologizes. I don't usually talk to friends about it either (I kind of keep to myself in that regard); however, if someone at church asks me if I'm having any problems - and I have one that I can't figure out on my own, I'll talk about it. Usually friends/parents don't always give the best advice (ie: I wouldn't put up with that, you need to tell him this is the way it is..., you need to give him an ultimatum). Oftentimes, your instincts and possibly doing a little research will give you better advice than your friends would be able to give you.

Dear C., I've just celebrated my 21st Wedding Anniversary and I can honestly tell you that we fought more when we were newlyweds than we do now. Several years ago we went for marriage counselling and learnt that what we were fighting about wasn't the REAL reason for the fight! For example, I'd totally freak out if my husband didn't do the dishes when it was "his" turn. My reaction was out of proportion to the "crime". With the help of the therapist we worked out that I'd get so angry because it brought me back to all the times my dad had let me down as a kid! Once I'd recognized that my anger was misdirected (I was shouting at hubby but was really angry at dad) the "trigger" was defused. It still annoyed me when he didn't do the dishes, but we were then able to just talk about it and he'd take care of it without hard feelings! The fact that you say your arguments tend to be about the same thing leads me to think that maybe there's an underlying issue which needs to be addressed. Hang in there, it DOES get better! :)

Do we fight? Yep, usually right before my period. Every month I'm going to divorce him. LOL

We've been married 11 years this year and 4 kids later. I find that when we get time together without the kids, it helps keep me balanced.

My husband is S....L....O....W at everything, as well as passive aggressive, AND a total packrat. I am a total multi-tasker, tell it like it is and a total minimalist. If I had a box of clothes, my pillow and my laptop, I'd be fine.

Clearly, we balance each other. I pick my battles....and I know I can't change him, so I just learn to deal. People fight when there is a power struggle.

Sometimes, in a marriage, there is NO lasting resolution for certain things. Sometimes certain actions, beliefs, etc don't "need" to change to align with each other. It's OK to disagree on things.

I think arguing generally stems from NOT expressing your beliefs, wants, needs, etc. clearly and frequently enough. Maybe that would help? Express yourself in a non-argumentative way more often!

We have occasional disagreements...sometimes I feel like they're about the same thing over and over again. He's generally patient with the kids...but sometimes he'll use a harsher tone - and I don't like it. Sometimes he gets frustrated because I tend to be more turned on at night...he in the morning. I can't think of anything else we really argue about...? Sometimes we both go through periods where we feel unappreciated...or I want more help around the house or with the kids...but he's usually pretty willing to help when I ask him - and I've kind of gotten over expecting him to have some extra radar (like me) - that starts going off as soon as a child needs a diaper change, the dishes need washed, or the house needs tidied up. The past few years we've had way less arguing :). Maybe it's getting past that 7 year mark. We both have an agreement tho' that we will talk to each other before we talk to any 'friends' about our arguments...that's just us. I think there's just something really sacred about what goes on in a marriage...I would feel weird making it a subject of girlfriend talk. I try to listen and understand...but I do feel uncomfortable when someone starts talking to me about their marriage/husband's faults. Marriage counseling - I think is totally different and can be really helpful :)

Every single couple fights...that's why they call marriage WORK! My hubby and I tend to fight over the same stuff. As long as it's not major topics you are fighting about I'd say you are ok just keep communicating the best you can. Currently we always fight over how he can step it up helping me with the kids when he's home and he thinks he already does and way more than any of our friends husbands. It's a very common argument I've found when I talk to my girlfriends about it. I think you do need to talk about things with someone...don't bash your hubby but it's nice to know you aren't alone and maybe people have advice for your arguments. There are also the typical roommate things that bug each of us - he leaves dishes around, etc. If there are specific topics you fight over and need advice and really don't have anyone to talk to...this is a great forum! Just be specific. Best wishes!

We don't argue often - but when we do? It's about something that needs to be done - priorities are different - I think this room is more important, he thinks that room is more important.

If your arguments are a recurring theme - always about the same thing? I would suggest that you two find a counselor who can help you guys learn to communicate better with each other.

I'm sorry - you don't have close friends. Try doing something for yourself to cultivate more friends - like a book club, cooking club or something that will allow you access to people who have similar interests as you with the potential to become friends. You can always PM and vent!! :)

DO NOT keep your feelings inside. That is not fair to you or your family. You have every right to express your happiness as well as your unhappiness and be heard without being chastised or belittled for expressing yourself.

My husband and I have ground rules for fighting - no below the belt hits and no swearing. State your case and be respectful - when we find ourselves slipping - we call for a time out - not always easy to do in the "heat of the moment" but something clicks and you say "you know what? I've got nothing nice to say right now - I'm going to take a walk around the block to get myself cooled off" - it's OKAY to cool off. You aren't giving up or giving in. You are being respectful - because things said in anger usually hurt the worst and can NEVER be taken back.

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Write your recurring problem down. Then the course/solution you feel will be fix the problem. Then present the problem and solution and go from there.

My first marriage was awful so I learned from my mistakes. One huge one was ignoring what is bothering me until it erupts into a fight. So we discuss things when it bothers us, not when we get to angry. As such, we don't fight, ever. We disagree from time to time but never a fight.

Every couple fights but many are good at putting on a good front when they are out in public. Everyone thinks we're a perfect couple but we fight all the time. Usually about our son because we found out after we had him that we have very different parenting styles. (And our son is good 99% of the time). I'm really lax about discipline but my husband decided he needs to be an ogre. I like to buy our son books and toys all the time, my husband thinks our son needs to pay for some himself. (When he makes our son pay, I put the money back in his bank). I'm messy, my husband is neat (I still can't figure out why I need to make the bed). It's usually stupid everyday stuff but they do tend to be about the same things. Do you have any cousins or siblings you can talk too? Maybe join a mom's group so you can make some new friends and you can hear them complain about their fights with their husbands! Good luck!