Are Adults Allowed to Be Bullies?

You and the girl in the article are heros! I've been heavy and slim in my life. There is a VAST difference in how I'm treated based on my weight. So sad, I'm the same freakin' person and probably much better to be around a little heavier because I'm not so obsessed by the effort to stay slim. Hopefully one day this will change and this is a start!

I don't believe that there is ever an excuse to be outright mean, no matter the age. I was always the kid in school who embraced the kids who got picked on. I was friendly with everyone but the "meanie"...always been a fighter for others.

L.,
I know you are a goodhearted person just from your posts. When someone does something hurtful to our children it hurts us so much too, and that hurt just keeps on giving. I feel hurt for you and for your sweet daughter!

I have taught my children that EVERYONE has something to deal with. EVERYONE! Whether it is weight, a physical feature, a mental illness, a loss.... whatever. When my son was bullied I read an article that said to respond to the bully directly.... "Why does it make you feel good to try and make me feel bad?" I thought that was good advice..... when practical.

My husband believes in the "Harrison Bergeron" effect. Harrison Bergeron is a short story written by Kurt Vonnegut. The book is based on a society where everything is equal. The society works by leveling the field. When life feels unfair my husband says it is the Harrison Bergeron effect. For example, your daughter is talented and beautiful...... probably good hearted. So she is knocked down by having to deal with a weight issue, and meanness.

There is no excuse for the people that are bullies. But it does help to remember that bullies are kind of sad and have their issues too. There is something in them that is wrong. All we can do is hope they can get it righted some day.

I hope something wonderful happens to your daughter today to remove that nasty taste in her mouth. For you too.

Would you really consider someone who heckles people an adult?

Some people have always done this. They are often known as "jerks." Sometimes, they are more accurately known as "stupid jerks". It's not new.

When I was in college (a long long time ago, long before the internet), I walked to work. I'd always get heckled. If I wore my glasses, it was insults about how ugly I was. If I wore my contacts, it was come ons and cat calls and "compliments" (ewww).

After awhile, I noticed it was the same people. They were apparently not smart enough to realize the two young women -the one with glasses and the one without - with the same hair, in the same clothes, with the same build, going back and forth from the same place, were actually the same person.

Hugs to your daughter's friend. She sounds like a lovely person. And if you think it will help, you can share this reply.

If you look at my past responses, I am a HUGE advocate of empathy. If more people taught their children empathy, things like this wouldn't happen. So, don't just tell your kids to be kind; take the time to sit down with them and teach them to put themselves in someone else's shoes and consider how their or others actions makes people feel.

I appreciated this post, L..

We are living in a world where, through social media, we are given carte blanche to be horrible to each other. We get the messages that people are there for our derision and criticism on a constant basis. It sort of started way back in the day with the carnivals and 'freakshows' and then morphed into celebrities having a bad-hair day, then just went entirely down the drain.

Now we have people taking pictures of others and websites like "People of Walmart" which calls a woman in a photo a 'creature'. (I just checked the site for the first time now... it's not a form of entertainment to me) Why do we feel the need to degrade others? The message is that she isn't even human enough to have her feelings considered.

Who the hell does this? It's not funny. It's just pathetic. We take cheap shots because of what is broken inside of *us*. This is, as I like to say, more of a reflection of the person mocking or making comments and how *little* they are inside as opposed to anything about the real person they are mocking. I consider criticism about appearances a pretty cheap shot, all things considered. Making someone else feel bad for their outsides because we feel crappy about ourselves on the inside.

I'm somewhat overweight. We'll call it 'curvy'. I have friends who are overweight. We have talked to our son about why we don't laugh at anyone's appearance (other than clowns, right?) because it is unkind. Period. And if you can't be kind, you keep your mouth shut!

Some people are just a-holes.
I can remember walking down the beach when I was around 18 or 19 years old and some guy blurted out, damn she would look good if she wasn't so white.
I remember being hurt at the time, but later, when I looked back I thought, what the hell? The guy who said it was an ugly pig of a man, why did I even CARE what he thought?
<sigh>
With age comes the ability to care less I guess.
And I can't imagine my kids acting this way, AT ALL. I may not be the world's best mother but compassion and kindness have been drilled into them since day one, that's for sure.

L.,
I have always been scrawny. I have always been teased about it.
I am small chested while my mother and sister are very well endowed.
My sister calls me flamingo legs and as far as my chest, she says that she took after mom and I took after dad.

It is hurtful.
I just try to take it in stride.
I've had men hanging out of their trucks whistling at me, I've had men hanging out of their trucks calling me a dog.
I am far from being a "dog" in the rude sense. But, I must admit that it did hurt me. Then, I realized I'd likely never see those jerks again and I let it go.
Maybe they were drunk or just A-holes. Who knows?

Look, I happen to know men who love bigger women. I have a best friend who told me, honestly, that if he were to see me in a club or wherever, he wouldn't give me a second look. I'm too small for him and he likes a woman with meat on her bones. He found one, and married her in a hot second.

You know, I have friends that have curves and some junk in their trunk and I'm actually jealous of them. They are beautiful, married, happy, their husbands treat them like queens.

EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way and hopefully your daughter's friend can own her beauty.
Oprah isn't scrawny and look at the empire she's built. She's had a man who is very devoted to her for years.

Beauty comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. You just have to own your beauty.

I'm 50, my eyesight is pretty bad. I almost never wear makeup because I can't really see what I'm doing.
You know what?
I work a room like I'm gorgeous because I can't see myself. I don't have to look at me. In the end, it's my personality that I count on.

That's what your daughter's beautiful friend needs to do.
It really doesn't matter what's on the outside, it matters what's on the inside.

That is where true beauty shines through.
She just needs to be confident, know that she's beautiful, and ignore any rude people or haters.

Confidence is the most beautiful thing about a woman. Men are attracted to that. Men aren't as focused on shape and size as she might think.

She can't allow the comments of idiots to bring her down.

Just my opinion.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know your heart aches.

Some people are just plain mean. That's all there is to it.

Your daughter will live a better life than these losers - I just know it. Sometimes the best revenge where bullies are concerned is LIVING WELL. That might sound catty, but that's the way I see things.

Hug to you both.

I applaud you for opening your heart to us & to this young woman.

My hope & prayer is that she finds the strength within herself to continue to move forward in her life. I wonder....have her weight issues ever been addressed by a medical team? I hope so!

& as for adult bullies, yes, it happens. I've always been overweight. It amazes me how frequently adults consider overweight people unable to function as the rest of the world. I'm also an older Mom, & I cannot tell you how many times I've had other parents shocked that I participate in my son's life. Whoop-de-freakin'-do....so what if I'm carrying excess weight? There is no reason for me not to enjoy life!

conversely, it also bothers me when I am judged by my appearance. If I drop a few lbs, then I'm included more in activities. If I float back upward, then I'm ignored when it comes to activities. Oh, what a shallow world we live in! Kudos to you for taking this young woman into your heart!

Child or adult, people heckle or insult others.
No, it is not right.
Nor nice.
It harms, others, mentally.
Whether we see it or not.
They may put on a brave face, to outsiders.
But at home, they hurt, from what was done to them.
Some may not be bothered by insults or bullying or heckling.
But some are.
There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt by it.
Some just become indifferent. But that is another coping mechanism too... or them always trying to be strong. Or to keep appearances up, to outsiders.
Yes, its sad.
And for some, "humor" is just another way of hurting others.
I explained to my children, that joking around is different from making fun OF someone else. And it is different than teasing. Joking does not hurt others. Teasing and making fun of someone, does. It is, personal.
And if a person does not see any humor in a joke, then that is their limit. And one should be aware of other's cues. If they are able to, see it. And stop. And apologize.

No matter what one's appearance, there will be others who make fun of them.
Even the most beautiful perfect kind individual, gets hassled.
Sad.

People feel justified in making fun of heavy people because they must clearly be "lazy" and just eat mcdonalds all day, right? It is the last group of people that many think it is Okay to openly mock and discriminate against. It is disgusting and wrong, but people are cruel. I understand what she is trying to do with her pictures and I think it is great. She is trying to get the conversation started, and to point out that we hear the words, we see the looks, and yes, they hurt, because we are human. I know some people want to say she gets the look because she is frumpy, not because she is fat, but as someone who has been every weight from 95 pounds to 255 pounds I can assure you it does not matter how well done your hair or makeup are, or how nice your clothing is, when you are fat you are considered a second class citizen in this nation by many people.

Yes, we need to raise our children better. Absolutely. My parents would have come unhinged if my brother or I were ever hurtful in speech to ANYONE no matter what. My kids are raised not to disrespect people or be cruel as well.

Unfortunately though, this young lady will hopefully learn, that it is completely up to her to dismiss that hurt. If she's tough, she can realize the person is ignorant, if she's a saint, she can forgive and not be resentful of the awful behavior and let it wash away. But no matter what she chooses to do, it's HER choice. Because the world is full of terrible people who make fun of all kinds of things-even disabilities! For god sakes there is a special place in hell for people like that, but they're out there.

Your friend's daughter is beautiful, and she needs to be grateful and secure, not feeling bad. Some of the most attractive people don't have model proportions, but they have spark. Some down-right homely people are attractive if they are confident. Some people are not attractive at all, but they're happy. No one can give her confidence. She has to find it herself.

Besides, men like curves. If she put on a form fitting dress and heels she'd be getting nothing but cat calls (not saying she should do that).

I had a yoga teacher who was brilliant and extremely advanced. She naturally had a pear shape. Very wide hips. Very thin arms and narrow shoulders. I'm sure plenty of shallow ignorant people would have made fun of her shape (not people into yoga, but others). She also had an unconventional face. Very large nose and small eyes. And when she was up there teaching and talking, she looked GORGEOUS because she was so poised, warm, accomplished an confident. You knew if anyone was cruel to her, she would smile and send a blessing their way. She was never insecure around all the yoga girls with PERFECT bodies. She was friendly, outgoing and full of praise. She had graceful confident posture. She loved herself. Of course, she's been through years of spiritual training etc, but we can all make these choices. She ended up with a super hot husband with all of her same interests and values (both awesome instructors who travelled and did healing seminars etc-he had model looks so could have had any of the yoga girls swooning in his classes) and she wasn't even looking for one.

If this girl is as beautiful as you say-and even if she isn't, she shouldn't let her healthy un-skinny body type bring her down-and CERTAINLY not the stupid remarks of low class people ABOUT her body weight. If you are in a place to do so, gently tell her not to give any power to that nonsense with sad FB posts. People like that are not worth her concern.

I hope she finds herself enough one day to rise above that. Because sadly, some people will always be cruel.

Going to check out your link now...

***The photographer has the right attitude.

Hurt people hurt people. They are allowed to get away with it because too many people are "afraid" to speak up and tell the perpetrators that they are out of line.

Some bullies never grow-up. They feel the need to prove how big they are by making others feel small. The idea of what is a healthy weight in the country is soooo skewed. If she lives a health life style and the doctor says she healthy, who are we to judge.

People are mean not matter what age they are. The kids usually learn it from their parents. I was thrilled when my oldest son chose his second girlfriend. His first was a twig. she was cute be very very skinny. Like I was when I was that age. But his second one was not skinny. Some would say a little over weight but he thought she was beautiful!!! I realized then I had done something right. Grated I am no longer skinny but he loves me so why would he not "love" someone that wasn't the typical pretty girl. I was so proud of him.

YOU ARE RIGHT ON GIRLFRIEND! I am so proud of you and the positive influence you are providing

thank you for being clear that this is a vent, not actually a question.
your link is breathtakingly painful. damn.
:( khairete
S.

It was NOT ok for anyone to make your daughter's friend feel bad. We have all been make to feel bad at one time in our lives. They were jerks who thought it was funny. Immature.

As for the article. There are plenty of fat people who look great. They look confident, wear clothes appropriate for their bodies, and exude positive energy. The reason this young woman got looks ect was not just because she is fat. She is not huge but she looks pretty out of shape though. She is wearing extremely unflattering clothes, has a horrible expression on her face, and her hair and makeup are not attractive. In short, she probably could not look worse. That is not to say that anyone had any right being mean to her. I just think that's important to look the best your can, not for othes but for yourself. If I saw that young woman, I would be struck by how sad and lonely she looks.

I believe you can find a little something wrong with everyone, if you look hard enough.

I grew up thin, but pigeon toed. I was teased all my life. I won't say that I never teased someone, innocently thinking there was no harm. I never took offense to the teasing about being pigeon toed, until a really good friend of mine really laid into me. He did a whole presentation on how I walked, right in front of everyone. I cried.

I try to teach my daughter that everyone is different and special at the same time. I tell her up front, people will tease, but we have to brush it off and know that the person teasing is not perfect in some way...but pay no mind because their flaw is not important in her life.

I can remember the husband's in our family all sitting around the table teasing each other about weight and different things. They were all laughing and taking things in good humor. Someone said my BIL had a George Washington wooden tooth. The laughter fell off quickly and he was mad, probably hurt. Never mind the humor that had just came out of his mouth, he was mad. This same hurt sole teases every one, to the point he enjoys watching people squirm in shame, embarrassment, and anger. The bottom line is that his imperfection is his low self esteem.

No teasing is not accepted from anyone, but sometimes the harm is not intentional.

I am overweight. But it because I don't get up from the table quick enough. I love flavors. I love textures. If I sit at a table where the food is horrible, I eat a bite and quit.

The body is like a bank account. The more you put into it (calories) the bigger it gets.

I got involved in a % weight loss contest. Everyone put in $10. First place got 75% of the pot and 2nd place got 25%. I came in first and won $112.50. I lost 12% of my body weight over 2 months. I ate very little and did a lot of exercising (We were moving and I spent all day moving banana boxes with our stuff in it.) I did that for 12 to 14 hours each day. I was so tired by the end of the day, I just barely got a shower and fell into bed. But I lost a lot of weight over 8 weeks.

If you have seen the Biggest Looser tv show, the guests are always exercising. If you spend more money than you deposit your bank account will shrink. If you use more calories than you eat, your weight will drop.

Michael Phelps ate 12,000 calories every day he trained. But he trained for 8 to 10 hours each day. If you look at his body, you can see his 6 pack abs and he definitely wasn't over weight. If I ate 12,000 calories each day, you'd need a big truck just to move me from one place to another.

IF she wants to loose weight bad enough she can. So can I, but there are times when I'd rather have the second ham sandwich than I would like to weigh one pound less.

When you want to be successful, watch someone that is successful. If you invest like Warren Buffet, you'll be rich some day. If you want your body to look skinny, then watch what skinny people do (eat and exercise) to have their bodies. I was at a banquet one time and sat beside my boss' boss. She was about 5' 10" and probably weighed 110 to 120 lbs. She and I were served the same dinner. When I finished, there wasn't any food on my plate. When she finished it looked like she hadn't even anything. Then I looked closer, she had eaten, but not much, and that was why I weighed over twice what she did.

If you or anyone, wants to weigh less use more calories than you take in.

Good luck to you and yours.

Are adults allowed to be bullies? If they are a teacher at my children's school, sadly, the answer is yes. My DD has been a victim of it, my co-worker's daughter had been the vicitm of it in 2 seperate years, and another co-worker's daughter was recently the vicitm of 2 special ed aides bullying her, of all people. They had told her she did a terrible job on an assignment, and when she explained her mom had helped her they told her that was impossible because it was soooo bad. So the next assignement, they told her to actually have mom help. So mom signed the top of the paper and put a note with her phone number in case they had any questions. The aide's response? To the other aide she said "Looks like SOMEONE has been talking about us behind our backs." Says the other aide "I guess some children take longer to mature than others." So not only are the teachers bullying the kids, but it seems that the culture has shifted in our school to where this is a tolerated behavior. I wish I could say I didn't know of any other examples of it happening in our school.

So if the teachers are openly bullying, why wouldn't the kids? Why would the administration enforce a policy with one group and not the other? Incidently, a lot of the current teachers were a bunch of jerks when they were in high school too. Oh the joys of a small town.

There is not much I can do about institutional bullying other than report it. But, what I can do is to teach my children how to deal with the bullies. To realize that the bully is the lower person, not to drop down to their level, and to let the words roll off their back. And who knows, you might just be their boss some day. I know that's happened for me!