Anything Else I Can Do - Very Ill Family Member

food food food. clean clean clean.
going through a similar experience here. i bring food every week, and scrub the bathrooms.
i'm so sorry.
khairete
S.

Just be there, that's all you can do.

My FIL has cancer. He is is Ireland, we in Chicago, It's maddening. He is young to, 67. Cancer is an awful disease. I just hope we can get to Ireland before he dies.

I'm so sorry about your uncle.
I found setting up a care page (www.lotsahelpinghands.com) to be helpful in coordinating meals, keeping everyone up to date on condition, updates, etc. to be really helpful.
The first things that come to mind for making their lives easier is to cook for them, clean for them ,pick up the laundry & return it washed, dried & folded, grocery shop for them, etc.
Is he getting hospice care at home? They really are angels for those at end of life stage.

Sorry you're all going thru this. I've been thru similar situations - just be there for them. Do whatever you think they need. If when at their house you see something needs to be done (cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc.) just do it. Don't wait for them to say something because they're probably not even thinking about the "little" stuff right now. Even running small errands; books need returning to the library; paying bills, etc.

Then on the other hand, always give them their space. I realize you say you're all close, but at the same time there are times they may not want any extra people around - even family members. I know this to be true from experience!! Everyone thinks they have to be comforting or helpful 24/7 - but that's not always the case.

God bless you all!!

Bring over food they can freeze or heat easily. Save in single-size portions so the adults can eat in between their duties without making a big mess or having to deal with leftovers.

Go over and clean. Don't ask, just tell them you are coming over to do it. If you have a key, do it when you know they won't be home. Bring your own supplies.

Tell your cousins you'd like to take their kids overnight for a sleepover party. Have ice cream and let them camp out on your living room floor.

Offer to take the kids back-to-school shopping, or just show up with a big bag of school supplies (if they are school age).

Create a photo book of your uncle's family that he can look at in the hospital or at home. If you use a service like Shutterfly you can create multiple copies at once for the cousins to have.

I know it sounds like a small thing and insignificant, but I would bring food over - casseroles, etc.. It's hard for people to cook meals and take care of themselves during this horrible time. My father had cancer and died at home, it was REALLY hard on everyone.

People still need to eat and if the food is already prepared, they're more likely to eat well and keep their strength up.

If you are able to, offer to stay with your Uncle while your Aunt runs to the store or just gets out of the house for a while. We cared for my Grandmother at home with the help of Hospice and it was very draining. Just to be away from the situation for even a little while would probably be a big relief for her.

She is lucky to have someone willing and wanting to help!!

M

This is so sad. It's such a horrible disease. I lost a good friend to lung cancer when she was in her early 50s - she was never a smoker and never worked in a known hazardous environment, so it was a mystery. Probably second hand smoke. She fought valiantly and eventually gave up treatment as your uncle has done.

There is a great organization called "Lotsa Helping Hands" which allows you and other concerned family members/friends to set up a schedule of tasks to help the family. It could be meals (even 3-4 days a week, with leftovers sufficing in between), picking up kids, cleaning the house, doing the food shopping, visiting and sitting with him so they can get a break, ANYTHING. It solves the problem of everyone saying to your aunt "Let me know if I can help" because she just can't really organize all that. LHH requires one coordinator (or 2-3 if you want to split the work) who sets up the schedule (in consultation with your aunt) and then others are invited to join. They sign up for what they want to do and when, and you can list all kinds of parameters (e.g. preferred foods, days of the week, where there's a cooler to drop off the food, whatever). Then there is an email generated to the family that lets them know when to expect something (and from whom, so that if they eventually want to write a thank you note, they can - they don't have to keep track of anything now). It's a great resource. Those who live far away can arrange to order a dinner from a local restaurant that delivers (and you can list suggestions in the LHH schedule). We've done it a couple of times for friends - one was a neighbor and another was someone we didn't live near. It works great and the staff is very helpful if you run into a glitch or have questions setting it up.

Meantime, you might write a letter to your uncle sharing a fond memory or a funny story. He can read it or the family can read it to him. Talk about the things he used to fix, stories you remember about motor bikes or a family vacation/reunion, anything.

Remember they will need you afterwards too. There is also a company called Reflections - I think it might be a franchise, with locations all over. They make a variety of stained glass lamps in various prices and designs. I met a woman through a networking group, and she has a store so I've seen the designs. Big price range, something for everyone. They are sent after someone dies, often to the funeral home, instead of flowers. They write a small poem (you can give a little input if you like, or leave it to them) and put it in a pretty frame which is put next to the lamp. The idea is that every time you light the lamp, you think of the person's memory. It's a nice thing and much more lasting than flowers. I know she ships all over the country and maybe there are other stores near you. Something to consider, and various people could share the expense if you want, although it's not more expensive than a decent floral arrangement. Some people plant trees or name a park bench after the person who dies, which is a lovely idea. However, if the family moves, they lose the connection with that, and the lamp can go with them.

Well first just by being there means alot to your extended family. Do they have things all in order,health insurance,funernal paid for so your aunt doesnt have to deal with it. I would not bring up the will let exuter (sp wr) handle it. People can strange with money and thats not why your helping.
I would bring over a cooked dinner for them. Maybe offer to clean their house a couple of times( over if you can afford it hire acleaning service for a few weeks. It just means alot that your care. I will pray for you and your family.

Sorry that your family is going through this right now. You might suggest home hospice if they do not have it already set up. That way they can have medical assistance on hand to handle his pain and care for his medical needs so the family can focus on taking care of him and each other. They are usually very good about helping families get through the dying process. Bringing meals and coordinating meals would be a great idea and of help to your aunt. Cleaning, shopping for supplies, and keeping the yard up would be other areas that would be helpful for the family whether you do it yourself, or make arrangements for other paid or volunteer efforts.

I'm so sorry. The fact that you care, that you acknowledge his life and find something good to say about it speaks volumes. There are some people who act put upon when asked to help. That they would act like this about a person with cancer still astonishes me.

Are you able to go over and do some cleaning? That would help them a great deal. How about some casseroles that could go in the freezer for them to pull out when they feel up to eating. Smaller casseroles would be most helpful.

Be a shoulder to these family members who are shouldering all of the burden. Listen, tell them you love them, tell them that they have made this man's life special by being loving and kind to him. They will know that they helped him "fight the good fight" by treating him the way a dying family member should be treated - respected, loved and cared about.
This will mean a lot to them when he's gone - no regrets.

Dawn

I agree with Michelle G. - offer to stay with your uncle so your aunt can get out for a while. Even if it is just to the store, or to just go outside and enjoy a cup of coffee!

Also, I would watch your aunt's weight loss. Could be something other than the stress. Actually, stress usually makes you gain weight.

When my father was in about the same condition as your uncle, my mother's kidney's started to fail. She and her doctors all thought it was stress and didn't do any testing. After my father passed, she really started having problems and learned that one kidney had completely shut down and the other was only functioning at 25%. She should have been treated much sooner, but everyone chalked her symptoms up to stress.

Don't let that same mistake happen with your aunt. If she is losing that much weight, please encourage her to go to the doctor and DO NOT settle for "stress" as a diagnosis.

I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through this. Hugs and prayers to all of you!

I am so terribly sorry you all are going through this.

Really the best thing you can do is to be available at all times. Visit, support them.

Clean their home, make them food, do their laundry, take them some food treats.

Your Uncle will know what he needs and wants, ask him if there is anything he wants you to do for his family.

Talk with him and tell him how important he is and has been to you and let him know none of you will ever forget him.

When he gets to the end.. all of you need to give him times of privacy.

Is he under Hospice care? They can help in the home.. They have great advice and can help the family understand what is going on and where in the dying process your uncle is and what he needs. Many times this is covered by insurance.

There are things we do to try to help the dying and in reality, it is not what they want or need, but cannot express it. This is way Hospice is so wonderful.

I am sending you all peace.

I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. My dad died a year ago from lung cancer. It is a horrible disease with a high mortality rate. He was 69 and we lost him way too early. Coping with his death has been very difficult as has been helping my mom look ahead to a life without him.

I would echo what others have said about food. Also, after he passes will likely be very difficult in terms of logistics for a funeral, memorial, etc. If his wishes have been clearly laid out and decisions previously made, it will help with the stress of doing it after he passes. Offering to help with things like the flowers, or putting the obituary in the paper, etc. could be very helpful.

I would say that most important thing is to continue to be there for them in the weeks and months after his death. There is usually a huge initial outpouring of support and love but people quickly go back to their own lives while the grieving are still very much struggling and feel isolated and abandoned. Be a person that your aunt and your cousins can talk to and just listen to their stories, feelings, needs, etc. Too many people try to sort of "make things better" and end up trying to give advice when they have not experienced such a loss. A phone call that sincerely asks, "How are you doing?" is priceless and allows the grieving person to just talk about whatever they want to. Just listen and affirm what they are going through. Of course you are very close to your uncle too and will be experiencing your own grief so make sure that you give yourself time for that and honor your feelings as they come up.

And if you can continue to offer help with children of the adult children so that they can have moments of peace and reflection and time with their mom, that is huge. Grief is a process and if your aunt is losing her longtime life partner it can throw her whole life upside down. My mom has been putting one foot in front of the other for a year, but the pain is very raw and the loneliness is unbearable at times.

How wonderful that you are so close with the family and so tuned in to their needs. What a blessing you are for them! Wishing you peace and strength as you all go through this life transition. Sending warm thoughts from MN.

Hi, F.:

Just BE there WITH them.
Cry with them, laugh with them, eat with them, and pray with them.
That will be healing balm for their wounded hearts.
I share your sorrow.
D.

If they haven't already, please talk them into contacting hospice. Hospice offers an array of free services. In home care, medication and support for the family. Good luck to you.

Be there! Clean their bathrooms, vacuum &/or sweep the floors, make sure there is gas in their cars, milk and eggs in their fridge, clean clothes in their closets. As your aunt and cousins are up to it, arrange for them to get their hair done, or mani-pedis. You may want to contact your stylist and see if they would be willing to make a house call given the circumstances in case they are totally unwilling to leave the house. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

Keep him at home and call to get Hospice Care-God bless all of you-they will be a tremendous help and at no cost to your family.