Anyone Else with a Stubborn, Controlling Hubby That Just Won't Come Around?

I quit working after the baby. When money was tight and the medical bills were overwhelming, he became a control freak. I became bitter. We went to counseling and she explained how at risk and controlled I felt.
We agreed we each got x fun money, he needed to be realistic about how much food costs and such, and he needed to stop acting like it was his money. He changed because he wanted to make the marriage work and see his child every day. I did not threaten divorce, but the counselor told him it was going to get worse and head towards divorce.

Leave.
Sorry, but he does not seem like he will even, improve.

This is no way to live.
He took all your savings. YOUR money.

He also sounds very coercive?

Any improvement, any healthy improvement in any relationship/family... has to be a TEAM effort.
Or it will always be a problem. A problem amongst a whole bunch of other problems.

only your heart & soul can answer this one.

As for your financial status....he's waaaaay wrong. Are you on the accts? Do you have access to everything? If so, then you are part of the problem - you should be taking $$ out as you wish/need & not allowing him to control you.

Also, make danged sure you're on every single asset you own....both names on the titles to the vehicles, both names on the house/$$ accts. You need to safeguard your future. I hope you find Peace.

Honestly, it seems like you're in a pretty lousy marriage. That said, your children will be better off if you stay married, provided he isn't hitting you or them. Statistically, children do better when their parents stay married and raise the kids together. While your kiddos are still young and at home, just grin and bear it. Perhaps get a credit card to make your purchases and give him the bill to either pay or not pay - your bad credit will affect him, so hopefully he'll pay it. Obviously I wouldn't go crazy with the spending, but you have to have clothing and a safely maintained car. And I'd just sort of give up on the relationship part. Live together like roommates - be cordial and simply refuse to fight or argue with him. In a couple of years when the kids are in school, get a part time job while they're at school. Save ALL the money you can in a private savings account - I'd even open it at a different bank than your husband uses. This way you'll have your own nest egg so that you can leave him once your kids are out of the house. I know that none of this is ideal, and you're the only one in your situation, so you are the only one who can decide what will truly work for you. But from what you've written here, and knowing what I know about the statistics of kids from divorced families, I'd say that this is the best plan to take care of your kids' needs first. Good luck... and remember that just because you're stuck in a less than ideal marriage doesn't meant that you can't still have a good life. You can still read the books you want and forge supportive friendships and visit the places that you enjoy. Start trying to enjoy life on your own, while still maintaining a cordial relationship with your children's father.

you can't change a man who doesn't want to change himself. Take a look at his parents? Is his father controling as well? You may have to seek out another marriage councelor if this one isn't working for you. Have you considered watching another child as a form of extra income? I'm not a SAHM, and one of my biggest reasons for not doing so is not having my own money, but depending on my husband. I just can't find myself that dependent on someone.

Sounds like your eyes are opened, but you just have to try to figure out what's best for your daughter. The longer he treats you this way and the longer you take it, the greater chance your daughter will follow your steps and marry the same type of man (and do you really want that for her)?

Good luck and let us know what the outcome is.

I would discuss the next steps with your counselor. If your husband is emotionally abusive, you may have to separate to offer your daughter at least one happy home.

Money issues are a big thing with us as well. I very much want to make sure the big three are taken care of. The house payment, gas and electric. After that, well I don't care so much. We are currently in the process of cutting back our expenses because they are the ones he pays. I find I am really bitter about it. I don't want to loose our little luxeries like a car and new clothes and the internet. However, I have done the math and I can not afford to pay for these things on my own. He is not currently working and intends to do the stay at home dad thing. No this was not part of the plan and it was not a mutual decision.

I feel stressed, cheated and bullied.

Are you sure he isn't feeling the same way? You decided to stay at home. You decided to keep an extra car. You decided not to reduce your spending. After 3 years you aren't bending at all and are still putting all the pressure on him. What can you do to make going back to work doable, or staying at home doable?

Okay there is a lot going on here that isn't in this post. I can get the one account but excuse me, why didn't you withdraw the money you needed?

That is where I would love the blanks filled in.

Does he not make enough for you to actually be staying home? Where is the money going? Did you get too much a home so most of your income and his was going to maintain the home.

The way you have worded this post it looks like he is being abusive but then that doesn't make sense with the rest. If you were earning your own income there had to be a reason a large part of your income stayed in the account, ya know?

sounds like a very unhealthy situation. Do you have any access to funds? If so, I would get a hold of some and get your own account. You will have to decide if counseling is not working then what will you do? I know you love being home but that may not be the best option given your situation. I put some of the responsibility on you though...Why on earth would you deplete your savings account when you need it the most? You need a game plan that will put you in a position of strenght.

I'm not an advocate for leaving but I am an advocate for a marriage needing two dedicated people. He doesn't sound dedicated and frankly, he sounds like he is only in the marriage because it works for him. As Dr. Phil would say "children would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home" and frankly, you (whether you like it or not) are in a broken home and your daughter is stuck too. The fairy tale of living with her dad in a peaceful and loving home doesn't sound realistic. So, figure out your finances and put your health and your daughter's health as a priority. What you wished for is still possible, just maybe not with her Dad.

Best wishes.
N.

Ps. Please keep in mind that your daughter is watching and witnessing everything. She is establishing her own morales and values within relationships based on what she sees and is experiencing. While I know you want to work things out, is the environment what's best for your daughter?

I guess you have to ask yourself this question: how long is a much longer time and do I want to live in a situation like this forever? Marriage is supposed to be forever, but so is the respect that is in it, the like, the love and the support. One sided forever can be an even longer time. If counselors are not helping him see that he needs to bend a little then perhaps you need to see a counselor by yourself. Try to figure out what you are going to do, then stick with it and don't look back. And on the other hand babies are only little for so long and you could go back to work when the baby is in school. I also know that oftentimes in a situation like this if the husband senses you might leave you somehow find yourself pregnant again. They are so threatened by that thought that they try to trap you.
Good luck.

There are 2 sides to every story. Not that you are wrong but...
Is he making enough for you to stay home? Maybe he is really worried about money & to proud to admit you are spending to much for your family budget.
Maybe you don't have a budget but need one.
Money is a biggie for men.
Do you have a house loan, car loan, credit cards, lots of expenses?

Can you both sit down & go through the money coming in & what is going out and find out if you can afford your life style.

I'm focusing on money because that is what you said was a big problem for you , and is for lots of other people.
Good luck!

If you have a combined account - then you have access to "joint money" right? Or he removed your name from the account?
Make sure you are still on that account. I like what Christy P. did. Very smart, only I would advise take it all, not half. There is nothing him or his lawyer can do later about it. You need to get paid for emotional distress and loss of income due to not working after all, right?
Good luck with trying to work it out but if you cannot - this the the way to go.

I'm not sure.....

What came to mind was either going back to work and being in control of your own money or going on strike. Don't do his laundry, clean, etc... Don't cook. What you want to do for you and the kids is one thing. He doesn't share the money evenly. He can take care of himself. Make a plan. don't be angry about it. Just tell him what you think is fair.