Anyone Else Get Anxiety over Entertaining?

YES! Just YES!

Sorry, no helpful tips, but you are not alone. Every time we have people scheduled to arrive (even family) I joke to my husband "I called them and told them not to come."

I am going on 56 and have not been able to overcome this problem. But sometimes, once people arrive and we start having fun the problem evaporates. I hope you somehow get into this state and have a great time!

I'm the same way. I feel like the house isn't clean enough, not enough good options, Maybe I missed something on and on.

I'm this way when I have overnight guests as well. I love guest being here but I am on high anxiety/stress about 3 days before the arrival of guests.

I want the food just right, and I'm usually roasting prime rib, tenderloin or rack of lamb so I'm fearful most of over cooking my entree!! I like to cook good food that people don't eat on a normal basis and my specialties as well. I plan good breakfast and lunch options for overnight guests.

I typically don't do pot luck but I have in the past when we did crawfish boils where we provided all crawfish and things that go along with it plus drinks including alcohol.

I do as much as I can ahead of time. Everything always works out well, I just get stressed about it not bring perfect. I knows in far from perfect and perfect will not happen!!

I know I put way too much thought and prep into it but I do enjoy my guest completely when they get here.

I also take a chill moment like Julie does with a glass of wine.

only way I get through it is to plan something wonderful just for me once they LEAVE.

It's slightly better if I actually like the people I'm hosting for but I usually don't like anyone enough to justify working my ...ahem.. butt off for days and spending so much money and then having them be indifferent to my effort. I'm a party pooper what can I say.

The more you entertain the easier it is.

My secret is write out everything I want to do. Then I look at the list and see if I am going to need help. Help from my husband, from our daughter, family members like my mother, father, friends

I plan the food then the grocery list.

I decide if I am going to use my dishes, use paper and plastic or rent all of it.

I make sure I have enough options for seating inside and out.
Folding chairs, picnic tables
Take some furniture outside?
Borrow or rent?

I gather my coolers and decide how I am going to get ice.

What we will offer for drinks
Sodas and Beer?
Iced tea and Lemonade?
Margaritas and sodas? I

Then make a schedule
Cleaning the house and getting the yard ready.
What do I need to do,
What our daughter needs to do.
'What my husband needs to do,

Stores and what I need to purchase
Grocery Store
Costco
Party City
Target

What is the meal? Who will actually prepare this?
Who will purchase it, how much?

Snacks? I like snack mix from Costco, just get one kind and have a tray of raw vegetables. Carrots, Celery sticks and Cucumbers.
Make Ranch dip with ranch dry mix, cottage cheese and a bit of milk, blend it all together.. it is awesome.

Main dish
Burgers and hot dogs? - meat buns, condiments cheese?
Steaks and chicken Breast? seasoning
Ribs and Brisket seasoning and maybe BBQ sauce (lots of paper towels
Gas grill (make sure you have fuel) Charcoal, make sure you have a lighter and charcoal.

Sides? Pick 1 or 2 from this list
Corn on the cob, butter , salt and pepper
Green salad, ingredients, croutons, salad dressing
Potato Salad, ingredients, can be made a whole day before or purchased
Pasta Salad ingredients, can be made the day before or purchased
Cole slaw same as above
Fresh fruit salad same as above

Optional pick one. make homemade or purchase cans and just heat up
Baked beans
Red beans and rice
Pinto beans
Ranch style beans

Bread
Tortillas
rolls

Dessert Purchase Pick 1
A big cake
Ice cream or ice cream treats
Cookies
Brownies

Strawberry shortcake Pound cake slices (from the grocery bakery or Frozen section) , fresh strawberries washed and cut with just a bit of sugar, stir. whipped cream..

Cups
plates dinner and for dessert
flatware
napkins

I sometimes, purchase a lot of Disposable Aluminum pans to use to serve things out of (exception anything with mayo, use plastic or ceramic for this food) and I cover them in Foil or clear wrap.

Toilet paper

And more Ice..

If you need people to bring folding chairs mention it

Bug spray?

Take it step by step and write it out. Check off each thing.
And for goodness sakes, ask people to help. Your husbands people must want to help in some way, if not, hire and assistant for a few hours. Heck A high school student for 2 or 3 hours, it is worth the $25 - $30.

I get so excited about having people over, then about three days before I panic, then about an hour before I have a beer and chill. It always works out.

I feel like it is jumping in a cool pool. I don't really want to even though I know my body will get used to it quickly and be fine.

Maybe you just need a glass of wine to calm you when they arrive.

I entertain a lot. And yes, I get anxious. I've found my anxiety is less if I start preparing a week or two in advance. For a big party, I will deep clean the house, or parts of it. So might start with the basement two weeks out and then work my way to the heart of things. If I can make anything in advance and freeze it, I do that too. I've started making cakes and pies ahead of time and just freezing them. Makes life so much easier, and no one knows it's out of the freezer!

One week out I do scan my inventory: what paper plates, napkins, Do I need. I make a final meal list, and then start shopping,,saving fresh produce stuff for two days prior.

In my ideal world, we entertain on Sunday, so I have hubby's help all day Saturday.

I will weed the yard one week out, and mow the lawn 3 days out.

In terms of food, we usually pick a theme: Mexican, American Classic, Asian, etc. And then we design everything around that. Occasionally we will do types of food: grilled meats from around the world, and salads from around the world. This helps me to plan.

One thing that really helps me is to feel like the house is in order before I start worrying about the food. I run a tight house, and we have simplified, so my house is usually guest ready. With that said, I like it gramma clean for large get togethers with people that make me anxious. For really close family and friends? I get ready the day before or that day, but I do go a bit nutty when we have hubby's workmates over, etc.

Mostly, keep it simple. I find people love simple,but good, food. Less is always more :-)

The most important things I have learned are:
1- Relax. Guests enjoy get-togethers more when the host is happy rather than stressed. I know that is easier said than done. I have read that many "entertainers" recommend scheduling in a nap (and taking it!) before having guests over and I think it is a great idea! I have to remember also that my guests would rather me interact with them than worry about keeping things clean. I am a bit OCD so I have to make sure I really focus on not continuing to pick things up once guests arrive.

2- Do as much as possible ahead of time. Keep it simple if needed. If that means only cleaning the main rooms and chucking the rest in locked rooms, so be it. If it means freezing and re-heating, fine. Or getting sides from Costco. Whatever. A BBQ should not be too hard. Get burgers, buns, condiments, a few bags of chips, a watermelon, sodas or lemonade, water, paper goods, a green salad and a dessert. Hit the dollar store for some bubbles and sidewalk chalk for the kids. Work as a team with your family to clean up ahead of time. Don't forget your nap and you should be good to go!

I experience anxiety about it beforehand, for days. Cleaning frantically, getting nervous about planning, shopping, whatever. I'm a real planner so I stress about details.

I enjoy myself once all the work is done and people are here.

The larger parties I've done (over40) I partially had catered and then made things that I could prepare beforehand. I had fun and my sister came to be my "hired help" when we threw a luau and then a Jamaican party. I returned the favor to her for her big parties.

It's probably in our heads, but the stress is real! See if you can get a friend or a relative to help serve and help get the food out.

I am actually the complete opposite. I much rather entertain than go to someone else's house (especially if the kids are involved). I'm just more comfortable in my own home.

However, growing up, my mom was (and still is) just like you. A big part of the difference could be that when my husband and I decide to host something, we are both hosting not just me. Growing up my mom would do the cleaning, shopping, cooking, basically everything that needed to be done. My husband and I share all the responsibilities and it makes it much easier. You say pot luck isn't an option but it is also your husband's idea to have the cook out. Will he be helping you with all the prep??

Hi Queen! I'm 47 and just over the last 2 years have started having groups of people over that were not family. I have never been a good cook, don't really like it, not a great housecleaner, nothing really matches in my house, I don't have a theme, etc.

What changed my mind was that we started going to a new church and wanted to make friends. Well, there is only so much chatting you can do on Sunday after the service. So we were brave and started having 2 couples over at a time for games. Just put out some easy snacks (all store bought lol) and told them to bring their own drinks. It was a hit! Now we have had people over all the time and I don't stress about it anymore.

The first time I had people over (ended up being 24 for a 'soupfest'), I hired a cleaning company to clean the entire house. I think it was like $300 but soooooo worth it. Then I just kept up with it as best as I could after that. I also tried to make easy recipes I knew I couldn't screw up. And even if I did, there are a million places for them to stop on the way home to grab a bite if they were still hungry. lol When my husband turned 40 I had a 70's themed party and 50 people showed up. I had pasta catered, bagged salad, easy corn dish, Costco cake, all to make it easier and everyone had a GREAT time!

It will get easier once you start to just have people over. We have friends over now every couple weeks and 3-4 women friends from church who are home during the day come over every Wednesday morning just to chat. I call us "chatty chicks".

As far as tips for you, try to make it as easy as possible. Search the internet for easy food, declutter more than really "clean", maybe have a fire pit with marshmallows if you can outside with extra seating. Will there be kids? We have a room upstairs with the TV and game station so we just send all the kids up there and they stay busy.

For some reason, the drink issue has always stressed me out the most, even more than the house being "clean" enough. Some drink coke, some drink pepsi, some only drink diet or decaf, some don't drink soda at all, some are crazy healthy, diet tea or regular tea? unsweetened or sweetened? What about a flavor? OMG!!! So one party I freaking bought about 10 different kinds of 2 liter bottles and guess what everyone drank? Bottled waters I had sitting in a tub of ice with some individual flavorings to pour in them. Besides that one of the sodas was opened and one of the teas. REALLY???? So now I put out bottled waters with the flavors and a gallon jug of half tea/half lemonade (almost all my friends like that). And if they don't, who can't drink some water? LOL

Ok, so I rambled a little just to say that I think everyone feels like you do. But the more you can get done ahead of time the better and the more you host, the easier it will be. Just do the best you can. Good luck!!!

It's hard to know the best way to entertain. If you feel you must make your husband's family's ethnic specialties, and you don't feel sufficiently schooled, that can add stress. One way to do it (for the future, maybe not for the next event) is to schedule a "kitchen tutorial" with the 2 best cooks in his family. Let them show you their tricks and techniques, show them a genuine interest in learning more, etc.

However, the other way to do it is to make it YOUR event and do what you feel comfortable doing. A BBQ is pretty standard stuff. What I do is make a reverse schedule: I start with what time we are going to eat, and I back up from there, writing down what happens at what time. If "serving time" is 4 PM, then I have a list for 3:45, 3:30, 3:00, etc. I make as much ahead of time as I can, and I have a spare fridge in the basement to put things. If you don't have that, see if you can implore a neighbor to help you with everything from extra ice to a shelf or two in their fridge.

Go for simple but flavorful recipes. I have a pretty firm rule about no dish taking more than 5 ingredients, and most being "make ahead". You can also let the stores help you out by buying prepared foods and just putting them in your own dishes. For example, use the store's cut-up veggies or fruit, and add a tasty 'designer' dip and your own platters. Make things interesting by putting the dip in a wine glass or margarita glass, for example.

I also get all my platters and bowls, pitchers and baskets, out ahead of time, including serving pieces, and I put a sticky note on each one saying what goes in it. Everything occupies the dining room table with a label. Then when it's time to prepare or serve, that work is done.

BBQs are usually burgers, dogs, chicken (with a sauce or marinade), and side dishes that don't contain mayonnaise (which can't sit outside for a long time). You can keep things cold by putting dishes in a larger dish filled with ice. A lot of times, people use the large foil pans as are sold for chafing dishes, add a layer of store-bought ice, and put the 2 smaller foil pans on top. Of course, the chafing dishes themselves are good for keeping grilled food hot. Ahead of time, make a platter of lettuce leaves, sliced tomatoes, and onion rings (regular, Vidalia or red) and just put a fork on it for serving. Make smaller dishes of common condiments (ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles) if you don't want to serve in the original bottles.

Do you need recipes of simple side dishes? I have a lot, and you can go to places like Rachael Ray for pretty simple recipes for a crowd.

Starting now, you can take a set of plastic cutlery and roll up 1 knife, 1 spoon and 1 fork in a napkin, then tie with a little piece of cheap curling ribbon, then stack these in any cute container - a basket, a decorative (clean) flower pot, etc. It speeds up the buffet line and it looks cute, like you fussed a lot. But you can do it while you're watching TV.

For drinks, buy bottled single-serve iced tea, lemonade, etc. and put them in a decorative tub (on sale at every place that has picnic and BBQ gear), then dump a bag of ice on top. If you are serving beer, put it in a cooler and tie a bottle opener to the cooler handle with a length of string or ribbon. Put a few bins out to collect recyclables as well as trash.

If everything is made ahead except the grilled meats, then you employ your husband and your children (if they are old enough) to help get things ready. If you have a list of what goes out at what time, you can just follow your cheat sheet instead of stressing about what you forgot.

At some point, you really have to get yourself to the mental place that you are who you are, and your worth is not measured by someone else's estimation of your cooking ability. If they don't like you, they don't have to come back! Your husband married you even though you are not from his ethnic group, so take comfort and pride in that. It's also okay to share YOUR culture with them, with pride and yet with admiration of where they come from.

Yes, I do get a bit anxious, but I love entertaining! I love having friends over. I will stress about it a little beforehand though. Here is what I do. I prepare almost everything beforehand. Even the appetizers. It's all ready to put out. We get lots of alcohol or make fancy mixed drinks. This makes everyone feel festive. I delegate a lot to my hubby. I serve buffet style on our kitchen island and people get their own food. I clean the house like crazy that morning and sometimes get some pretty fresh flowers. My husband puts on some music we both love (not too loud). His job is to offer drinks as soon as people come in. We first have some socializing time with appetizers...usually people hang out in the kitchen and talk/catch up. We both do the finishing touches with cooking and getting out food when it's time to eat. It's always a bit hectic no matter how much we prepare, but it goes pretty smoothly. If something goes dreadfully wrong be ready to have a good sense of humor about it. :) Good luck! Try to relax and have fun! Have a shot before they arrive...haha!

yes and no. i host a couple of big gatherings and a few smaller ones per year. it's the only incentive i can use to make myself REALLY deep-clean the entire house!
i generally do potlucks, although sometimes i do the full monty and cook and serve it all. that's SO much more work, i think it's best left to those who shine and sparkle as hosts.
as for the cultural differences, you don't have to lay down for that. if i (or you) were to go to their country, would you demand to be served bbq and burgers, and to be treated to fireworks? your husband should back you up- he needs to tell his relatives how much you're both looking forward to their visit, and what they should expect so they're not surprised. but if they can't abide the notion of coming to a BBQ in an american home in america, it's on them to decline the invitation.
khairete
S.

I feel the same way. I wish I had any good advice. My only suggestion is to try and do as much as possible beforehand, that way the day of it's not so stressful. And have a drink before anyone arrives. That way if your hosting is inadequate, you won't care. ;)

We entertain quite a bit...we typically get a the local food store to prepare fruit and vegetable trays. We will also get a local pizza shop to make a ham and cheese calzone and a tomato pie that we put out as appetizers. We also will sometimes get a pretzel tray and always put out chips and cheese doodles etc. Combining this with hot dogs and hamburgers and maybe some chicken, you will have a nice party.

FYI...if someone else is feeding me and my family, I don't complain about the food:). It is just so nice you are willing to host.

For starters, you ensure that your husband carries his share of the load here. HE is inviting HIS family. Great! But if he's inviting and that's the end of his participation....time for him to become a full participant in his own family events.

If he already does this: Excellent, and good for him. That should help with your anxiety...so why doesn't it?

Is there any basis for your feeling that "my food and drinks are not good enough"? Is this a feeling you get only with his family, or with any guests at all, his family, your own, anyone? If it's only with his family there may be a larger problem there - is there some reason they make you feel less than adequate at times other than food-and-drink events?

If it's anxiety you have with all entertaining, not just with them, you may need to think through your own background. Did you have a mom who was a fantastic hostess and everyone raved about her food and her parties? A dad who was the life of every party? Were events in your home as you grew up always done to perfection? If so, you might be feeling like you can't live up to the standards of what you saw growing up. Alternatively, if your family never really entertained when you were growing up, you might be anxious because of feeling like you aren't sure just how to do it. OK, armchair psychology here, but you get where I'm going, I think. Can you think through your past and see if one of those is the real reason why you're anxious?

The issue with his culture simply not doing potlucks is understandable, and it's hard to get an older generation to change. For this gathering, yeah, it's too late to change the idea that your family will do it all -- just ensure your husband is doing his 50 percent.

But I hope that if you have an event where the adult children in your husband's generation -- raised in, or mostly in, the U.S. - are participating, that you are not afraid to talk to them about a potluck, another time if not this time.

Maybe have an event at another time for the younger relatives that is potluck, at a park or somewhere that is not your home (so that you have good reason not to feel pressured to do 100 percent of everything totally solo). If your husband has younger relatives mostly raised here, they are not unfamiliar with the idea of potluck. You said most of his family are first generation, but that means some are not. Nothing wrong with inviting them to come in with you on a potluck next time, but I'd be sure it was in a location that's not your home.

My husband enjoys entertaining - but I do all the work. I could never host a party for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. I try to make the menu a combination of items that can be made in advance and stuff that is made the day of. I map out a schedule of deadlines - house clean; groceries purchased; advanced food prepared; day of items prepped. For me, though, I am always afraid that people won't show. I usually host friends and neighbors and when the appointed time rolls around I always wonder - will they remember the party? I do notice though that, for the most part, the host is "working" the party. They do snippets of socializing but their main task is to keep things going.

I too have 1st generation immigrant in-laws.

And I have hosted them at my home many, many times.

And the lesson I learned early on, is that I should not entertain them based upon their cultural expectations, or cultural foods, but mine. I don't cook their ethnic food as well as them, and anything I do to create their culture will be heavily or abnormally scrutinized.

So, I go all out with what I am comfortable. The biggest hit ever one year for Valentine's was that I made a big Italian meal (I'm German, but I think Italian is the easiest food ever to prepare). I made Lasagna, a fantastic bacon/ mushroom pasta dish, fresh tossed salad, trays of veggies / fruits, bought frozen yeast rolls and baked them so that when they came into the home the bread was baking, served with both fresh butter and balsamic / olive oil / fresh garlic side plate, etc. They loved it. It was different for them and they had no comparison. Score! (truth - grandma was envious that grandpa loved my cooking so much and went around telling everyone I made #1 lasagna).

I can't speak to your anxiety about drinks. Since both my parents were alcoholics while I was growing up, I have a firm stance on drinking at my gatherings. BYOB. Period. I put out pitchers of homemade lemonade and pitchers of fresh iced water with floating fruits/citrus/cucumber combos and it is always a huge hit and no one has ever, ever complained. Maybe behind my back, but not to my face. The only alcohol I would have on hand are bottles of wine, with wine openers for others to open, and a case of iced beer.

Another nice option, if there are any men who love to BBQ, is marinate a variety of meats : chicken, shrimp, steak and let the guys know you would be thrilled if any of them would do the honor of grilling.

In most families there are always a few people who love to help in the kitchen. So ask around, and find out who that is and leave something for them to do to keep themselves busy.

If you're comfortable, set up serve yourself stations: drink station, snack / appetizer table; dessert and coffee table and announce to one and all to help themselves.

Remember, if you start doing it all, they might expect that same level of service again, and as I recall Queen you have a lot of little ones to tend to.

Love Laurie's answer below:

Break the party down into manageable tasks:

Buy some pre-made items, and make some.

Plan one day
Shop one day
Prep food the day before the party
Decorate before the party
Borrow folding chairs from neighbors or rent
Hire a sitter for the kids
Hire a college kid or GF to help with food prep, serving and clean up.

Have cards , games, around to play.

Play music!

HTH!

I love entertaining. However, I always stress when it's 10 minutes after the suggested start and no one has arrived.

I've had dud gatherings where few to only two people showed. How embarrassing!

Now that I'm older and my friends have nothing else to do-- my gatherings are more successful.

A hint: invite one of your pals who will work her tail off on your behalf but NOT try to upstage you to your in laws.

I feel like that too!!! Entertaining is a struggle for me. I never feel it's "right". If you guys are doing BBQ, your husband could do that and you could make a pot of beans in the crockpot, corn on the cob, a salad and a desert. Should be pretty easy. That would be what I would do. Easy peezy!

Holding a potluck would be a great way to help them start assimilating into this culture
Let them do things the way they are done in the old country when they host.

Oh honey, I could have written this myself. You just have to "let it go, let
it go" like theme song from Frozen.
First off, don't tell yourself you are inadequate. You're not. You are going
to be your worst critic. Most guests don't care. And if they do, well too
bad.
Don't think overwhelmed. Instead, think I will do what I can & it will be
just fine.
While your house may not be pristine, you are a gracious host & ppl will
enjoy the time & company.
I have busted my butt on several occasions to have family over & truth be
told it's hard for me to keep my old house up & pristine. I just do what I
can & don't give myself a hard time. I always end up having a fun time &
the food is really good! Memories in the making.
Do what you can. Start cleaning now.
Do a once over again the day before they come.
Just make sure you have plenty food & drinks.
Don't try new recipes before a party or gathering.
As long as ppl have enough food to eat, they should be thankful.
You are not responsible for someone else's good time.
Just like you are not responsible for how much money I have in my
account. :)
Don't be so hard on yourself, don't try to be perfect. Clean your house, hv
food (poss some variety), drinks, snacks & bottled water.
Call that good enough.
Plan your food now then just enjoy yourself that day. Hv a gr8 BBQ!

Make it a pot-luck. Have everyone bring something--less work and stress for you!

Pot luck sides. You supply the meat and drinks, nothing else.

Get a kids hard side swimming pool, a smaller sized one. Fill it with ice then put cans of pop and bottles of water in it. Everyone loves the drinks being ice cold. Then they enjoy throwing ice at each other.

Hubby shoulders the big responsibility by cooking the meat and you simply go buy the drinks, pool, and ice on the day of the party. Easy peasy.

Entertaining is fun! Just change your perspective! You certainly don't have to be a perfect hostess(I'm sure not!!). The point of entertaining is to spend time with people which is more important than a perfect meal. Ask everyone to pitch in and bring a dish. You make 1 or 2 things and everyone else supplements. People like to help a hostess(well, that's my mentality) Plus, I like to stick to my budget so I just don't go overboard, and don't worry about making everything perfect...just lots of fun! When you're relaxed, they're relaxed. Have some good music, paper plates, fun drinks, and decent food. I think the less fancy you make it, the better. If you know someone in his family has a good recipe for a certain dish, says, "Oh my gosh, I love your lemon bars, can you please make them for my party? They'll be a hit!" My girlfriend teases me that I always invite her just for her lemon bars. At any rate, she is flattered and happy to supply the dessert. See what I mean? Make the other folks feel involved, needed and included in the whole day. Then turn up the tunes and enjoy yourself and let people help you out!