Any Other Husbands Ignore Mothers Day?

that SUCKS!!!

unfortunately, you're going to have to TELL hubby and kids exactly what you want them to do. and don't make it easy.
"i want to sleep in (hubby), breakfast made (kids and hubby), a long bubble bath w/o interruptions and a small gift and card from all of you before supper time."
maybe that will work, as terribly annoying, controlling and pathetic it may sound. make it the same for each year so they know what to expect, and it becomes the new routine.

good luck!

I went and visited a very good friend on Mother's Day. We gave her a card and wanted her to know how much we appreciated her. She not only has her own kids, but has always been there for my son when I was working or if he needed a ride somewhere.
She excused herself to go to the bathroom and her husband said, "I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. Should I feel bad?"
I said, "Ummm. Yes...I think you could at least have gotten her a card. Or made one."
He said, "I don't understand why though. She's not MY mother."
I said, "No...she isn't. She's not my mother either, but we remembered her. She IS the mother of your children. She's amazing. She holds your family together. Did your kids give her anything?"
He said no.
Their sons are 15 and 20 and live at home. Neither one of them even said Happy Mother's Day to her.
My son bought me a beautiful card and chocolate and saved enough money to take me to get one of our favorite sandwiches together.
My friend said, in front of her husband, "How did you raise such a thoughtful son by yourself? I'm beginning to think I was never hard enough on my kids. Not that your were hard on your son, but he respects and adores you. I've given my kids everything they ever wanted and they don't even think about it. They just expect it."
She loves her husband and her kids and she's not big on celebrations or anything like that. But, she has saved every card and every gift we've ever given her. When we go to her house, it's so cool...it's like..."Hey, we gave you that." She truly treasures things. I remind her husband every year about her birthday...their anniversary....otherwise he wouldn't remember. He loves her. He does 90% of the cooking. He does the grocery shopping and cleans house. Takes her car to make sure there's always gas in it. It's not like he isn't supportive. He's a SUPER nice guy, don't get me wrong, but the thought just never came up about Mother's Day until my son and I popped in.
Her kids didn't know Mother's Day from Arbor Day.
So, right or wrong, I'm guessing that they will grow up to be husbands that don't remember Mother's Day, for their mother or for their wives.
I have so many friends who don't get remembered on Mother's Day so I always remember them. I'm a mom and I know what it takes to give of yourself and love being a mom and work to make our kids the best they can be. Even if other people don't recognize them, I always do.
My step dad was not a gift giver but he sure loved his presents.
At Christmas, he had a pile of things to open but there was never anything from him.
He would always say, "All I ever get is a pair of socks and they never fit."
Which, was totally untrue. No one even gave him socks.
So one year...all he got was a pair of socks with a note...."Hope these fit."

The next year, he spent a little more time thinking about gifts and took me shopping to help get my mother some jewelry and things for everyone else.
Do you know he never wore those socks but hung them on the mirror of his dresser with the note that was attached? He remembered Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas.....

Since my kids were very little, I always had them sign cards that we sent out or delivered. Even if they just drew a happy face or a heart and their name. I raised my kids myself, and it's never too late to teach them to be in rememberance. Even if Dad isn't into it.
You're not the only one in this situation by any means and I'm just so thankful that my kids have never once forgotten me. Even if they couldn't buy anything, they made something or robbed roses from a neighhbor's yard. (With permission from the neighbor).
You can still teach your children to be thoughtful.
Since you are the one who brought up socks...maybe that's what you should give your husband for Father's Day. And his birthday. And for Christmas.
Seriously, if he's not into gifts, then come to an agreement that you won't get him any either.
As far as Mother's Day...find something you really want to do and do it. For yourself. Your kids are old enough to be left alone or with dad while you have a good time. Get a massage, a manicure, whatever...
Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we need if no one else thinks of it.

Hang in there. And Happy Belated Mother's Day from me.
:)

Funny 12 yo! Cute.
Look, your hubby being an engineer might explain why he's insensitive but it doesn't excuse it.
He probably won't change and I'm sure as your children get older they will realize just what the day is all about.
If I were you, I would pick out & buy my own Mother's Day gift every year and let him know what he got you! Have some flowers delivered to yourself and make a big fuss over him--what can he say?
Personally, I wouldn't pick out his mother's gift either. He's a big boy (allegedly) so he can get a card and gift from now on.
That's just how I would handle it. Luckily my hubby knows better! :-)

OMG. I am so tired of this topic. It started before M's Day when a poster asked what you will do IF you get ignored. The excuse of your husband being an engineer doesn't fly with me. My husband is an engineer. I suppose he may think "I'm not his mother" ,too, but he APPRECIATES that I am his children's mother, and the bottom line is he knows it's important to ME so he is not disrespectful to me by ignoring it (and he knows it's important to me because I make a big fuss-- OUT LOUD, not just in my head or on a website, nor would I ever just silently suffer and try to passive aggressively retaliate and hope he gets the picture) Because that's what your husband is-- disrespectful. And he has taught your children to be disrespectful, too. And you have allowed it. Go buy yourself something really expensive and thank them all for it!

Congratulations, you have raised a bunch in ingrates. Now after 22 years, I would make plans to take myself out to a spa, a movie, a makeover, nice dinner....and don't bother to let anyone know where you are going.

If they don't get a clue, maybe you are living with the wrong family. If you have a job, I would think about renting a room somewhere or maybe a studio apartment.

Your only a doormatt if you allow people to walk on you.

Blessings....

PS....I would also make it a point to forget their special days/wants/needs. They are all old enough and big enough to feed themselves and do their own laundry.

I don't understand why women 2 weeks before ANY holidays don't just start saying out loud to everyone that listens: "hey, mother's day (bday, anniversary, Vday, xmas, etc) is coming soon and I'm expectings cards and presents!" Or whatever. It's honestly your own fault for leaving it up to them to do something. Then you are disappointed. I'm sorry that happened. I got diamond earings from my husband that matched the diamond necklace he gave me for Christmas! And the kids made me cards and gifts. Too cute. So I'm never disappointed because I make sure no one "forgets", that's just terrible! Anyway, good luck and I hope your next holiday is better!

I started on the very first mother's day I had twelve years ago. I told my husband that while I am not HIS mother, I have EARNED this holiday and I wanted presents! He gets off easy on my birthday and Christmas (we'd rather spend the money on a great vacation or on our kids), but mother's day was mine! He hasn't failed me yet.

Every year, the kids give me cards and presents. My husband has always given me a gift that shows he appreciates me as the mother of his kids and as his wife. Father's day is just as important and I do the same for him.

By the way, he's an engineer...

Having said that, I think it's time for you to either vocalize your expectations or expect and accpet that this is the way it's going to be in your house. Nineteen years is a long time.

.

Boy, can I relate. My husband is exactly the same. And I think what you said about your kids is the key thing: example. His parents never set the example. After my first child was born I didn't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" and it was my very first. He used the same excuse: You're not my mother. And even at Christmas, I either get nothing at all or I have to hear him swear and complain on Christmas eve day that he HAS to go shopping for me. Well, I shopped for everyone else, including him and his family. Darn tootin' you're going out and shopping for me. But of course I tell him not to bother 'cause I'm already hurt anyways so I don't want whatever he would get anyways.
And yes, I do all the shopping for Mother's Day too. But I bring both my kids with me and have them pick the gifts out for their grandmas. I also ask them to "make" me a gift (because I know nobody will shop with them. They are 4 and 7). I put it this way: "Let's go buy something for Grandma for Mother's Day. For my gift, I would love it if you would draw me a nice picture." or something like that. I try to make gift-giving a fun thing and get them excited about it. I don't want them to grow up to be like their father in this respect. Thankfully he has a lot of good qualities to counter this very bad one.

Well, if you need to be validated, I think you are right to feel the way you do..........it would be SOOOO much easier if men would JUST KNOW the right thing to do :O) But it isn't reality. They need to be told most of the time

You need to tell him that you've made a mistake by not telling him this is hurtfult to you all these years, and you'd like this year to be the last time you feel UNappreciated. You should be Queen for a Day from now on!.........and by the way, YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! You cook and fold clothes, shop for him, and raise his kids! but more importantly, you are the mother of his children, and it's HIS responsibility to make sure they know how to appreciate you on this one special day.

I'm a big talker..... I had this same experience for only 2 years of being a mother........then I talked to my hubby and told him never again.......he's still not that great at it, but he tries :O) This year I got another windchime and a blue fish that is suppoed to be at the top of a Fountain that we don't even have......... my 7yr old picked it out and really wanted me to have it, so it's "acceptable" :O) Anyway, the point being, at least my boys are learning how to appreciate me on Mother's Day, and hopefully they will continue this throughout their lives with THEIR wives and children someday.

The first step is to talk to your hubby........hopefully next year will be better for you.

~N. :O)

I know what you are going through. My husband also gave me the "but your not my mother" line. I came back that very instant with "but I am the mother to your children." I explained that he should be grateful for the mothering I do because he needed me to do it. Also, I complained to his parents about his ungrateful attitude. I have also told my children that what mothers really want for mothers day is their children and husband to express their gratitude for the cooking, cleaning, mending, chauffering, emotional support, doctoring, laundry, teaching, fundraising, tutoring, etc. All of which they could not and do not do it on their own, not even my dear brilliant husband. When he realized this, he got on board.

Maybe you should take a day and tell them you will not be performing motherly duties as they do not really think that they need them.

I hope this helps.

My father, my father in law( also an engineer) says the same thing and my husband are all the same way. I think it's just men and even though they SHOULD be different we would be happier as women if we just had no expectations of what WE think men should do and be happy if they even pick their socks up off the floor. Lol. My mom complained about stff like this my whole life. She had been married 3 times and has yet to have a man make a " grand gesture" on any holiday let alone mothers day. At least my husband had the decency to give me a kiss and say happy mothers day but I had to buy the flowers for his mom ( and my mom) because both their sons - I have two brothers and my husband has one-their husbands did not even think to do it. I just took the day for myself and told my husband if he wanted to be fed he was on his own and that any kid needs beyond hugs and kisses were on him because or was my day off . lol. Way better than flowers.

I know how you feel. I finally told my engineer husband how I felt. He's gotten a little better (he still waits until the last minute and he never wraps anything except for Christmas). As for your children, since they didn't get you anything or acknowledge you on mother's day, I would say it's time for you to stop helping them get your husband things for Father's day. As you said, they are old enough to do this on their own at this point. You've done what you can to teach them, but it looks as though your husband's example is what they are learning. I also would stop getting his mother a gift. I decided that since my husband learned how to show appreciation and gift giving from his parents, then they should reep what they have sewn.

Your husband is one thing, the children another. It seems the children are following your husband's lead and their direction needs to be changed, probably by you. I recommend planning something next year that you want to do and letting the kids know and have them join you - hopefully, they'll "get it" and you won't have to do it again. As for your husband, the pattern has been going on for so many years and probably won't change. I would pick something out for yourself that you normally wouldn't treat your self to (a product, massage, etc.) and if he doesn't "pull through" get/do it yourself. As a drastic measure, I would not acknowledge the kid's next b-days, they'll survive and hopefully learn a lesson. :)

My best advice is DO NOTHING for anyone for 1 whole week (possible 2 weeks) before Mother's Day. No dishes, laundry, cooking , cleaning, homework with the kids or even pick them up from school. Make your husband do it all. Then they'll see how much you do. The day before, you should sit down with the whole family and explain why and tell them how much it hurts that they don't express their apprciation for you.

I also agree with the other moms about you having the day to yourself. Treat yourself to something. Spend the day with your girlfriends. Go to a park or cafe. Have a manicure and pedicure or even a massage. Pamper yourself since it's obvious that no one else is going to do it for you. Make it an annual thing - that Mom doesn't want to be disturbed on HER day.

I also agree - stop buying presents for everyone and see how they feel.....

I think you forgot to teach your children that giving gifts/cards for special occassions is expected. Do you give birthday cards? My husband doesn't do these things either. For him it's cultural. His family doesn't do these things. My kids have learned that is what we do. I have even told my kids that when they have a spouse don't do as your father does. My kids are 10, 14, 16, & 19. Your children can't read your mind. If you expect something, let them know. It doesn't have to be expensive, just toughtful. i think the card from your 12 year old was likely meant as a joke.

I would talk to your kids and your husband about how it hurts you to feel so unappreciated. That you are not looking for gifts, but a "thank you for all you do" would be nice. Ask them how they would feel if you let their special day go by with no recognition. You deserve better.

You're not alone. This was the first year my husband did anything notable for Mother's Day (got us tickets to Cirque du Soleil and arranged for the babysitter, so I was blown away). He's a computer consultant and isn't known for his gift-giving (one year he even forgot my birthday entirely). He just doesn't think these days are important. Others years, my Mother's Days have been strictly anything the kids made in school/daycare and maybe a breakfast with no heartfelt anything. The rest of the day would play out like normal. My favorite year was the one when our young son spit on me for not wiping his bottom fast enough. Nice. I honestly don't know what changed this year, although I did put my foot down to him working Mother's Day weekend, for the sake of his mom employee and me, so maybe that jarred something in him or his employee asked what he had planned.

I agree with the others in that you have to speak up. One thought is to start giving gift idea lists. My dad is an engineer, so I completely get what you're saying there. If my mom doesn't give him a list, he's clueless what to do. We do the lists out of necessity in our family, but they may help a lot in your case, too. Simply write out a list of things you'd like -- include web links, too, so it couldn't be easier -- and email or print it out and hand it to each of them. Emphasize, too, that it's not about the gift necessarily, so if they want to do something thoughtful for you like prepare a meal of your favorite foods, make a bouquet of flowers from the backyard with a thoughtful note, etc. that's fine, too. But let them know that when they do nothing, it says to you that they simply don't care about you and it's hurt you.

Well, I understand your frustration. It's not right or fair that your husband isn't willing to acknowledge this special day for you. Also, it sounds like he has set a bad example for your children, and now they don't see the importance of it either.
Let me ask you this - Does your husband acknowledge your hard work and dedication in other ways throughout the year? If he's one of those men who is from the camp of "I don't need to acknowledge anniversaries/Valentine's Day/Mother's Day b/c I acknowledge what you do every day" then he may have a point. As long as that is really what he's doing. If he makes you feel appreciated and loved the rest of the year, then maybe it's not such a big deal.
Either way, you should talk to him (again) about your feelings. Let him know that it's important to YOU that he acknowledge it, not b/c it's his responsibility, or b/c you say so, but simply b/c it would make you happy, and if he wants you to be happy, that's what he needs to do.
Good luck
And "Happy Mother's Day"!

That's really a shame. A couple ideas: Get yourself a really, really nice mother's day gift, then show it to everyone, saying, "Hey, thanks for this terrific (necklace, watch, diamond earring set) etc" - it may sound slightly irresponsible, but, hey, could the bill possibly wake up your husband? Also, don't do anything to celebrate father's day and for his mother, just get a card for mother's day and sign your own name. Not sure if this would help but it might be satisfying....

Well I'm not surprised that your children don't do anything, you just said you have been taking this for 22 years. THEY WERE TAUGHT BY YOU, THAT IT'S OK!!!! You said your husband is an engineer, does that give him some right of passage to be insinsitive? Does he love you? Then set the little dear down and tell him how much he is hurting you. Be open and completely honest. If you want to be treated differently, then don't accept this kind of behavior. No one is going to stand up for you, if you won't stand up for yourself.

Honey, I got 50 responses about my mothers day misery, so check out my previous post! I hope it makes you feel better... just know that you're not alone :)

Hi there!

Just talk to him. I come from a family who celebrates and remembers special days, birthdays, Mother's day, X-mas, etc...and I love to do the same and give sweetness and kindness to my own home . My husband (engineer as well) and his family are not like that at all, however they are nice people but kind of cold. My husband said to me once the same your husband says to you' "you are not my mom". When he said that to me long time ago, (we had our first baby) I immediately told him nicely holding his hands: "Darling, I am the mother of that wonderful baby who makes you so happy!, and you will teach him besides the obvious how to respect and love his own mother and for that you have to be a role model, his first example" The conversation stopped there and he just kept silence. My sister was with me at that time because my first baby was born May the 5th, then on May the 10th she bought for me a beautiful vase with flowers and one single flower "from the baby". The next day, my husband came home from work with a wonderful bunch of fresh and red roses with a nice card. Since then, he and the kids (I have two now) in the morning of mother's day, go out to get something for me.
What I am saying H. that with some men you get more in a nice way with no revenge or bad mood or being just nasty, just TALK TO HIM in a sweet way and tell him how you feel. He will get it. Also, make sure that in the future you will mark in his calendar or your home's calendar (in the kitchen) special days like Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. Be specially sweet for father's day and ask your children to get something for dad or just draw something nice. I promise he won't forget and he will understand how you feel. Your kids are not little ones anymore, and also if you tell them how you feel, I am very sure at least one of them (if not the three of them) will get it. Just speak.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any advice for you except to say that you are not alone. Your letter could have been written by me. My husband is the same way - no gift, no card, and no acknowledgment that Mother's Day is a special day for ME. (The same thing happens on my birthday and on Christmas.) I end up buying a gift & card for HIS mother though. I realize that I'm not going to change him. All I ever ask for for Mother's Day is for my husband to help and encourage our children to make me a card. That didn't happen this year or the last several years. I just don't want our children growing up and not being considerate of other peoples' feelings. My only advice for you is to sit down with your husband and family and really tell them how you feel. Good luck to you! :)

NO UR NOT ALONE......my husband just said happy mothers day to me, but since it was my first, i felt sad not recieving nothing!!! i thought he would atleast take me out to dinner and a movie, or make breakfast for me to eat in bed, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. i dont get mad i get even, for fathers day he'll recieve nothing just a H.F.D.!!!

To all the Moms who feel dissed on Mothers Day here is what you do:

Print out all the posts you got that really tell it like you feel. FRAME it. Give it to your spouse & children that are old enough to "know better" & give it to them on their birthdays or Fathers Day. Or better yet make a huge picture collage & hang it in the family room or on their bedroom doors.

By doing this I hope next Mothers Day there will be less posts about this subject :)

I personally prefer to take the bull by the horns & tell my husband I don't want any presents but what I do want is the house to myself for several hours & thats all I need/want.

My husband sounds like yours, I got day old flowers the day after Valentines Day and after thought flowers when my husband went to the liquor store for Mother's Day. I arranged the dinner for both our moms and flowers delivered for both of our moms, and even though the flowers he got me were nice, it's still the point that it was not planned, more of an "oops, better get something, or I'll hear about it forever" We've been together for 14 years and I'm sad to hear that after 22 yrs, it still doesn't get any better. I guess it could be worse!

What a jerk. My husband and my children have always remembered me on Mothers Day, and all the other holidays... Even if you are not his Mother... You ARE the Mother of his children and he should be thankful and show some appreciation. I am sad and sorry your husband has neglected you. You should make Mother's Day a day for yourself and treat yourself to something nice. And leave his behind at home.

Hello,

I think we have the same husband!! But I now tell him what I expect him to do in helping our children celebrate mother's day....and he does it! I've been doing this for 4 years now and this is the first mother's day where he totally blew me away. Don't lay down and just take it, it is our job to communicate to him what you expect and eventually they get it. Saying nothing and resenting them makes you the victim....you're not a victim, speak your mind and they will surprise you!

S.

Not to sound mean or anything, but my husband knows better! lol. I gave him his children! I take the kids shopping and let them pick out presents for him for his bday, fathers day and christmas. Every Year I throw him a party on his Bday, and he does spoil me at christmas time. But mothers day is 1 day a year to show how grateful you are that your mother even Had you!!! 1 Day to show how much you really love her and appreciate everything she does. If your husband doesn't understand that then say something! Tell him that it isn't fair to you. You feel unloved and unappreciated! You want the have them show you that they realize how important you are, even if its for that 1 day!
Without mothers, the house would fall apart!

Wow! My heart goes out to you. Even my step children acknowledge me on Mother's Day. that's not to say I get gifts, because I don't, but I do get a phone call and cards which is all I need; just a little ackowledgment. And you should have that too. It sounds like your family has some anti-social personality issues. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I would simply start doing the same thing to them. No acknowledgement on their birthday (any of them, kids included. Like you've said, they are old enough to do something on their own and their old enough to feel the sting when nothing is done for them in return!) They will either get the message and start acknowledging you, or no one will ever be acknowledged on any day for any reason in your household. either way, at least everyone is on an even field. Like I said, I don't know if it's the right thing to do, I just know it's what I would do!

My dad and 2 older brothers are engineers so I hope to encourage you that although many engineers tend to be clueless relationally, they *are* teachable and all of the ones in my family, esp. my middle brother, have made great strides in learning to show appreciation to their spouses.

Perhaps you can try spelling it out in a flow chart, for example:

First box says "wife/mom does xyz to keep things running for the family (chores, rides, cooking, etc.)

Second box has question "does wife/mom receive any appreciation/thanks for work she does?". two arrows in different directions for the "yes" and "no" - the "no" arrow leads to a box that says something like "wife/mom feels unappreciated and begins resenting other family members" and maybe another box follows that says "wife/mom gets really irritable and will lash out at other family members for something that seems trivial to them" (and depending on what "rating" you want to put on the chart, you could add a box about the effects on wife's libido ;-)), while the "yes" arrow leads to a box that says something like "wife/mom feels appreciated and is in much better mood, less likely to get upset over things" etc.

Good luck!

Even if your husband thinks he shouldn't celebrate (though you are the mother of his children-smile) he should at least make the kids set the tone for the day. This is the day that as they get older no matter where they are you should get a call from them or a card, or a visit. It is up to him to make it fun for your 12 year old. My 9 year old gave me burnt raisen toast with waay too much butter-lol. but I ate every drop because he tried. Maybe make a special day out of it. Go to brunch, have a picnic etc. They need to know this is your day. I love this day more than my birthday-smile.

Wow. Sounds like my in-laws. Who got divorced after 21 years. He is also an engineer and has that logical mind and was a crappy gift giver. I do think that this is a crappy excuse for being thoughtless. He learned it somewhere. It didn't show up just because he's an engineer. His wife was always resentful at each special day but never really said anything. I think that if she had really spoken up and been blunt-you have to be very direct with him-things could have changed and the hurt and anger would not have ruined their marriage. You've been married to this man for a long time and it's way past the time for you to put your foot down and say something to him about how you are feeling. My FIL got served divorce papers on his anniversary and it finally took that to wake him up. It didn't change anything at that point but he has been responsive to my family since then with asking when our birthdays, anniversary and other special days are and he has done something nice for each of them.

I do think that the suggestion to not do a single thing for anyone, no matter what, for at least a week is a great idea. The children are old enough to fend for themselves and to really get the message. They won't starve and they will figure it out. Hopefully your husband will also realize that you are a vital part of his life and take notice. You also need to talk to each other. My guess is that since this bothered you so much for Mother's Day, it's not the only special day that is not celebrated. Good luck to you!

That is really unfair, mama. You deserve at least one special day (if not many).
I agree with the other responses that you consider stating what you want and deserve. I have recently learned how to do this and have witnessed the positive results for both my heart and mind. Also, the buying yourself something special and announcing it to the kids and hubby are a good idea too.
Good luck.

Make it a big deal! Last year, I was a new Mom of a 2 mo and I got nothing. I was so heart broken, and his excuse was...wait for it, "you aren't my Mom". SO WHAT!!! I am now a Mom and I deserve this day, especially since I was a nice preggo!! Well, I went out and bought myself some new things, then I voiced how much it bothered me, and this year he didn't forget. As for your children, they need to know that their behavior was rude and unexceptable.

so screw the husband and the kids... you want a special mothers day??

make it so!!!

leave first thing i the morning before the house even suspects daylight is on it's way...leave a lovely note "off to celebrate being a mom :) back before tomarrow comes and i can no longer celebrate unselfishly!!! i love you all so much !!!thanx for being my family XOXO see you soon i'll let you know how splendid my day was when i return :)

thank you for this wonderful gift
mom to you and yours
xoxo

then hit the road get do whatever your heart tells you and checkbook will allow...be reallistic, do not sell yourself short!!! what do you spend on one of your kids when their birthday comes around (party dinner food cake presents wrapping card etc etc..) at least $500 easy not uncommon $12-1500 bucks right...(usually over time the few weeks before preparing and such so do the same for you!!)

yes!!! now you're getting it the day is full of possibilities!!!

enjoy your day and your family after all they made it possible :) by being so crappy that you should have to go to such extremes to have such an awesome day

party on!!!

Wow- my husband is also an engineer, so I totally get it. Our first Christmas as a couple he bought me all-weather mats for my car- he got tickets to the Lion King and a night in NYC. Hm... rationale... I had just bought a new car and he figured I would need the mats.

Here's what my thought process is on this one- I have stopped expecting elaborate or romantic gestures from my husband, but have started asking for one "big gift" that covers him for the year. This year, I asked for a treadmill, which he researched and figured out the best model for me and bought it. That way, I am not let down and he doesn't have to try and figure out something creative b/c he just doesn't think that way. Another year it was new light fixtures in our entrway or an on-system humidifier.

For Mother's Day, he does buy a card b/c one year he forgot (honestly) and I broke into tears and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day- it was my first Mother's Day. He buys a card and they all sign- including the cats.

I would suggest letting this go- are the gifts a big deal? What you are upset about is the fact that you feel unappreciated. I would sit down with them all and tell them just that. You are hurt and feel unappreciated. Let them know that you don't expect elaborate gifts, but a card on Mother's Day or your birthday would remind you that they don't take you for granted. They're old enough to "get" that- including your husband!

Just remind your daughters, what goes around comes around. They'll be moms one day too. I would treat myself to a shopping trip and and buy what ever it is you want or see! And say to them that this is making up for the 19 Mother's Day gifts that got passed over!

If it wasn't for me making sure my husband realized Mother's Day is a big deal to me by giving him an article I read, he may not have done anything either! He got me a card from him and our children (they are 2 and 4). He was raised not making a big deal out of birthdays, Christmas, etc., and I was raised just the opposite. I make sure he knows it is all a big deal. He definitely does not put up any kind of a fight with our kids birthdays. I plan the parties and he happily pays for them!!!
You definitely need to talk with your husband and your children. Let them know that you are hurt. I'm sure you have been a great mom and would like to be celebrated for that! Let them know that!!! All good moms deserve a special day!

If I read one more Mom's Day post here dripping with martyrdom -- then enabled by suggestions to do something passive-agressive -- I am going to scream. Yes, in an ideal world, our husbands and SO's treat us like the goddesses we are. Real life is a whole 'nother story. There's a reason why I sleep in and don't wash dishes on Mother's Day. I have to say things like, "Today is Mother's Day, and I am sleeping in and not doing any housework." It might mean we have a sink of dirty dishes, but I'd rather have that then a resentment.

Another nifty trick I like is to focus on moms other than myself. I have a mom, a mother-in-law, a stepmother, and one living grandmother - all of whom get cards and a phone call. Oh, it doesn't matter whether they return the gesture (and except for my mother, they don't) because it's for my own mindset. If you resent buying the gift for your MIL, then either don't do it, or give with your MIL's happiness in mind. (BTW, I thought your twelve-year-old daughter's card was hilarious. Perhaps you want to look at it from the humorous perspective it was probably intended.)

I know this isn't the touchy-feely reply you may be expecting, but it's what works for me. My five year old daughter is on the autistic spectrum, so her absence of social skills makes celebrating Mommy not a priority to say the least. I have to make my own day here.

I am sorry but i have to say it has some thing to do with mom and her " talking about mothers day" to the children. And surely they must have classes at school where the teacher talks about and does cards or some fun thing for moms for mothers day. Take dad shopping and get yourself a gift for mothers day and remember to tell him that is what it is for. Maybe he will even think of something nice for you. Your children have a dad and also a mom. How about grandpa and grandma? Do you go shopping for them? Someone needs some love!!!!!!!!!!

I think the only answer to this issue for you is to start ignoring them on thier important days. It's tough love and it's gonna hurt like %&!! for the first few times but they will either get the hint or just go about life. Either way, you aren't doing stuff for others who don't really want to have it done. As for you, you need to start taking care of YOU. At 12, 15 and 19, they are old enough to live without it and unfortunately, the example has already been set and is concrete. You need to start making a big deal out of yourself on Mother's Day and your birthday. Plan your own big deal and buy yourself your own gifts like new clothes, spa days, etc. Believe me, it might take a while but they will definitely notice when thier friends start talking about what they got on thier birthdays or Christmas. Also, keep a log of what they have done for you on your special days so that when they start complaining, you can calmly let them know that to get, you have to give and if YOU aren't going to get, you aren't going to give. BTW, mine is 17 and all I got for Mother's day from him was a hug, a fart and "do you have any $$" so you are definitely not alone.

Unfortunately, you are not alone! My husband has also been all over the board with his gift giving (or lack of) at holidays. We have a 2 year old son and I am 7 months pregnant with our second and he has never given me anything for Mother's Day! After crying to myself Sunday night and most of the day Monday (pregnancy hormones don't help) I finally confronted him Tuesday and told him how I felt. He said he is just not good at gift giving and his family has never really exchanged gifts (his parents always give money for birthdays and Christmas) and I am the one that always takes care of that. I bought the gifts for my mom and mother-in-law but drew the line at buying my own Mother's Day gift. Although I have to admit I have bought my own Christmas gifts before. My husband did not have a good role model of gift giving when he was growing up so I want our kids to see dad buying gifts for mom, even if I have to buy them myself. I made it very clear that as the father of two sons it is his responsibility to teach them how to treat women and eventually their future wife and kids definitely learn by example!

This probably doesn't help any, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!!

I say return the favor...Fathers Day is coming up so I would take this opportunity to treat this day just as any other. If your children ask you what you will be doing for Fathers Day this this will be your opportunity to say "he's not my father". Then if they do something for him then I would remind them that they did close to nothing for you for Mothers Day so you will remember that when they want something they don't need or when their birthdays come around. (of course the birthday threat is just that, a threat) But it might make a think of others instead of theirselves for just a bit. Good luck. Oh and one more suggestion. Buy something that you have been wanting and say "oh thanks honey for the necklace(example)" "that was so sweet of you, and it was the exact one that I wanted."
My husband and I buy for ourselves and then we give cards and take each other out to dinner maybe.

My first mothers day sucked. Took myself and baby out to breakfast while hubby surfed. Since then I have been very clear about what I want on my day. Mostly I ask for sleeping in and no cooking at all. If I want to do something specific I tell my man several days in advance. I am not big on gifts but if I were I would communicate this as well.
I remind myself often that I can not get mad about something I have not asked for. You could play any variety of the games described and perpetuate your misery or you can be very clear with your whole family about what you want and you might actually get treated well.
In response to your question, you are not alone in the lack if consideration, but you are clearly upset and justifiably so. The fact that your children have followed suit demands action.
Perhaps you have already tried this very direct approach. If you have without success, I would suggest that next year you let everybody know that you will be taking the day off -- or the weekend -- to treat yourself special for mothers day. And do it. Without guilt or anger, but because you deserve it.

Plan a trip. Only, do it with your family. It can be a short jaunt for the day to a park nearby or hike a trail or go somewhere where your family can all be together making memories and having a fun day together as a family. (Could even be pedicures with your girls but dont know about your husband!) And throughout the day be sure to be taking pictures and commenting on what a great mothers day it is, to be spending it with the ones you love and being remembered/celebrated. Don't just think it, SAY IT! Say it OFTEN.

Then take the pictures and, depending on your style, make a collage, mini album, scrapbook(that will get looked at often and have a prominent place in your house) or something, clearly labeled Mothers Day 2011 and lovingly refer to it throughout the year (the goal is NOT to send them away from you on a guilt trip, but to show them how much time together, being appreciated and remembered meant to you).

My husband isn't an engineer (but may very well be one!) and I think many men need to be reminded, beginning a few weeks before, that such and such a day is coming up, and you think xxx would be nice. I tell him I want a card, a chance to sleep in, some time together, whatever it is you find important to you.

Now, I would sit down and talk with them, and tell them what you need - whether it's acknowledgment, token of appreciation (a card, or does it have to be gifts? or do you simply want hugs & time together?) or whatever.

Maybe have a family meeting by having everyone discuss and list all the things Dad does. Another page for all the things Mom does. Maybe another page for each of the girls - all the things you appreciate about each, whatever their contribution to the household is whether it be actual work done or a willingness to smile and make peace, etc.
Then ask what happens if the family is left without Mom's contributions? or Dad's? All the things they/you do each day for the family. How important is that? How much does it deserve? AT LEAST a thank you, AT LEAST one day of the year!

Do it between now and Fathers Day and you can help them remember and figure out how to properly think of Dad and thank him for all he does. Then next year, starting a few weeks before, remind them mothers day is this day on the calendar, and you're looking forward to it. etc.

Teach them how, then expect them to rise to the occasion. It may take several years of training, but do it now. Or you'll have another 19 yrs of no acknowledgment.

Your husband will not change after all these years. However, you still have time with your kids. Unfortunately, you will need to spell out your expectations - one day of special treatment or whatever you really want. (If you still don't get it, go and get/do it for yourself and leave them at home) Explain to them that this is what is normally accepted/common courtesy in the world and they need to learn this now if they want to avoid problems with relationships later on. Assuming they will want attention from you on Bdays, etc. it is a small price to pay for all that you give them. Not a fun or spontaneous way, and hurtful I know, but they will eventually get it and it will become real (this may take a few years). Unfortunately we mothers have to have very tough skin.

Hmmm...sorry you have to go through this.

My dad is the kind of person who will forget, not because he doesn't think my mom is not a mother but because he just forgets! My mom found a great way to go along with this...she buy herself presents on his behalf and he is happy about it ;)

I can't tell you what to do, but here's what I would try: sometimes you can get your point across by communicating using the same "language". By that I mean, play his own game: every time he complains that the diner is not on the table, his clothes are not cleaned, that you didn't buy a present for his mother etc. You use the same argument: I am not your mother!

Be a mother to your kids, not your husband. Be a wife to him and expect him to behave like a husband.

As for setting the right example...well there are different ways to to see it. By standing up for yourself and show that you are valuable to the family and want to be acknowledge for it, is a pretty good lesson I think! I doubt you want them to be in the same situation and give up on being acknowledged and get what they think should be what they deserve, right!

And on mothers day well take the day off...go to the spa or whatever makes you happy and let him a son to his mom.

Happy delayed mothers day!

It would burn me up, too - luckily my husband is so grateful that I gave birth to his little one that he makes a three ring production out of MD. Do you think you could make your own big deal out of it - maybe a weekend away for you alone or with girlfriends (other supportive women)? I started doing that with my birthday when I was a kid (big family so birthdays weren't big deals) and it has made all the difference for me.

JN,

I have a short suggestion for you. Get, read, and share with your husband the Love Languages book. You can even Google Love Languages. I believe it is Dr. Gary Chapman's book. It will help you and your husband realize how to show love to each other in a way that is meaningful to both of you.

Blessings,
A.