Any One Else Feel Second Best?

She is with him more so she feels she understands him better. It is normal, so is the way you are feeling. Hard to tell you this but you have to accept and then privately ask her to let you be the mommy when you are all together.

I have been nanny to my two grandchildren since they were born. They are now 8 and 9 years old. I now live with my daughter and son-in-law since my husband passed away 4 years ago. It is natural for them to come to me when they want to do something, however, I tell them when mom and dad are home they are in charge. I also tell them I don't make the rules I only enforce them. I think you husband should talk to his mom about who is in charge and when. Since your child is young it is best to get these issues settled early. I think it is great when grandma can help out it has been a great joy for me, but one must remember that I am the grandparent and not the parent and it is up to me to respect my daughter and son-in-law wishes. I also would like to suggest to your mother-in-law that if she has a video camera to film your sons activities through out the day. I have tons of video of my grand children ranging from eating lunch, making cookies and dancing to the wiggles. I wanted my daughter to be able to see what the kid were doing during the day so she doesn't feel like she totatly missed out. Hope this helps. Just remember no one can replace mom and dad.
L.

A.
Oh I remember those days! When my oldest was born my husband was 800 miles away (active duty AF) and my mom watched our son when I worked and went to school.I missed things like first steps and first words too. I was also grateful but hated being told how to do things. And taking charge even when I was there was aggravating too. Especailly when we diagree on things (like when to give medicine, if he should have a walker, pasifier, start cereal) you name if we disagreed! Eventually I had enough and decided to talk to her about it. I expressed my gratitude and thankfullness for her taking such great care of him and then told her that I was his mother and she needed to respect that. After a long talk and many reminders along the way we got it figured out! She took care of him until he started school full time and I am thankfull.
What killed me was when my daughter woke up at night and cried for my husband and not me because he was home more then I was. At that point I had had enough! I'm now blessed to be a stay at home mom. Its ok what you are feeling but you can't just let it eat at you, talk to her. When you are calm not upset! Enjoy your baby, they grow so fast! Hope this helps!

I didn't have that issue, but I know several people who do. It seems a lot of MILs have a hard time not being the mom when a grandkid comes along. They nurtured their babies and still long for the opportunity to nurture with a grandchild.

Was she a working mom? She may not understand what it's like to be away from your baby that many hours and may simply not be empathetic to your feelings.

Perhaps explaining to her how hard it is for you to be gone all day and miss out on his development (now that it's really going to start going) - it may be a subtle way to put things to rest.

Good luck. We had to make a switch from an in-home to day care when we had our second. Both have thrived there. if it's economically viable, perhaps you can move to another day care to remove the conflict.

Oh yeah! LOL - we moved in with my mother for a little over a year, my mom is my best friend and we have always been very close, and it worked out soo well for us. Our daughter Abby became extremely close to her grandma, so much that when grandma was/is around Abby pretty much ignores anyone else LOL. It did bother me a little bit, but I am just so grateful that Abby gets to know her grandma, because so many kids don't. I just look at it like let them spend all the time they want with grandparents, so they don't miss out on them! You are right to have these feelings, but don't feel bad because you have to work and can't stay at home. And don't worry so much about the MIL, just politely find a way to let her know that you ARE his mother and you know how to do things, and if you need help you will ask for it :) It's hard to do, but you will always be mommy :)

Hi A., Would a day care provider tell you how to parent? I think not. No matter your MIL's role in your lives, YOU are the mom. She needs to gently be reminded that you are the parents and that you are capable of making decisions.

When you are at her house as a family, she needs to keep her mouth closed about your parenting and be a grandma, not a day care provider or mother figure.

Your feelings are natural and may never go away. I admire you for trying!

I had this issue with my son. I had my inlaws watch him for the first few months and I felt jealous when they made suggestions or they seemed to understand him better or told me how to discipline. I found myself avoiding getting together with them outside of the time that they were watching him and it really helped me, but was a strain on the family as a whole, Eventually we put him in daycare full time instead of dealing with the jealousy and having them be more of a caretaker for the children vs. us. For us, we wanted a more "normal" grandparent relationship for our children and didn't want my inlaws put in the position of having to be the main disciplinarian of the kids even though they really wanted to be in that role:-) We then felt much more comfortable using them as babysitters vs. our main daycare and I no longer felt the need to avoid being around them with the children at family events and me and my husband felt that we spent more time with them than his parents. I understand that financially this might not be feasable for you. I think you really have to think about what is best for your child vs. how she is making you feel. I would NOT suggest discussing this with your MIL. She is probably not going to ever understand why you would feel this way and it will probably just cause ill feelings especially if she is kind of a "know it all" when it comes to children:-) I feel for you because this was a huge issue for me and I know that I had a lot of resentment, but I realized that it was more about my feelings than how my in laws were really behaving. We never did really let them in on why we decided to go with full time daycare. We just said we felt he needed more socialization. When my daughter came along, we just put her in full time daycare off the bat. They now both have wonderful relationships with their grandparents and spend a lot of time with them on the weekends and maybe a night a week for a couple hours if we have stuff to do. They spoil them and it puts us in the position of being the "bad guys" at times, but at least we are in charge.

Remember, we can't control what people do or how they act, but what we CAN control is OUR reaction to them. If you're going to choose to have a jealousy over the time your son spends with your MIL, and you're going to choose to let it bother you when she tries to give you tips, then you're choosing to have those feelings affect you in a great way. Instead, CHOOSE to say "thanks" and let it roll off your shoulder when she says you should try something a certain way. She's probably proud of things that she finds works with your son, and therefore is just relaying them to you, trying to be nice and helpful. I understand it must be hard not being able to spend the time you wish you could with your child, but since the circumstances don't allow you to stay home, or you're choosing to go to work, then you have to let go of the somber feelings and embrace the time you DO spend with him.

A.,

Let it go. Your son IS with your mother in law for the majority of his time and she's really attached to him and he to her. Try to not feel second best. Hopefully, it will not always be this way, but for now, continue to be grateful that you have a loving, trustworthy, competent babysitter. Chances are she'd be telling you what to do even if she weren't with your son so much.

If you say anything to cause hard feelings, you will just be trading one problem for another. Right now your "problem" is that your son practically has 2 mothers who love him and take good care for him. Try to see the good. :) Try to keep your little bit of resentment to yourself, but don't come down too hard on yourself for it.

Trying to work and take care of a family is really hard, and I think it's hardest with the first child not feeling guilty about everything.

It's great that she's able to help take care of your son during the week. It's hard for her not to feel "connected" to your son since she's taking care of him during the week, and I'm sure she enjoys it. My mother lives 2 hours away and she still tells me, "What you need to do is...." (fill in the blank). I don't think they'll ever get over telling people what they "ought to do".

The fact of the matter is - you're doing the best you can, and by working, you're helping provide for your family - and there's no reason for you to feel guilty about that.

The main reason I'm working is for insurance benefits through my job. We're able to pretty much go to whoever we want (for a doctor), no co-pays, no deductibles, etc on office visits or prescriptions. To be able to do that provides a security that we wouldn't otherwise have...to not have to worry if we can afford getting our daughters the best treatment for whatever might come along.

Your job helps put a roof over your heads, food on the table, to provide a lifestyle for you and your family.

Really, your husband should "pull in the reigns" on his mother making comments. BUT he may not be taking her comments the same way you are, and think nothing of it. You can either ask him to talk to her, or come up with something that will "clue her in" that maybe you guys should change the subject or something. Like, "Hmmm...that might not be a bad idea, we'll have to think about that. Hey, do you know what the weather is supposed to be like over the weekend?" or "Thanks for the suggestion, but I think the way we're handling it works well for us. Hey, did you hear the Indianapolis Colts are undefeated so far this season?" Soon enough she'll get the hint.

For what it's worth - and good luck!

Hey A.,
Tough, yet lucky situation. I think you realize that. :)
I think your MIL is probably just trying to help and share. Try to see it from her shoes. Maybe she is really just trying to include you and make you and your son closer by filling you in on things that she knows about him from spending so much time with him. Maybe she thinks she's helping you by saving you the time of figuring it out on your own.
This could also be a good approach for you though if you feel it's gotten out of hand and want her to back off a little. You could tell her that while you truly appreciate her "translating", there are some things that you'd like to figure out on your own.

I'm sure she also feels very protective of him and going into caregiver mode is something she probably automatically does when he's around.
I'm afraid you probably do just need to take it all with a grain of salt, especially with the holidays coming up! But you are definitely not alone! My step-sister's daughter spends every day with her great-grandma (my sister's grandma) and I know she's had very similar frustrations. I don't believe she's ever had a conversation with her grandma about any of them. She has always thought it better to just let it go.

Make sure your husband knows how you feel though. Maybe he could talk to her more candidly and let her know how you're feeling.

Best of luck!

Is there any way that you can cut back hours or a day at work so that you will have more time to spend with him. Even if its temporary. Like you said, you don't want to miss him growing up. My MIL watches our daughter when we are both working. Even though she is great with her and my daughter loves her, I wanted more time with my daughter so I cut my hours back, it has been wonderful!! I don't feel so guilty leaving her, and she is still very excited to spend time with grandma.

I'm sorry you feel that way. Have you told your husband how you feel? It's your husband's job to keep his mom in check. He needs to tell her that you appreciate all the work she puts in when she is doing daycare, but she is only in charge while you are gone and should still be staying within your guidelines. But as soon as you are there, you are #1, you are the one deciding what goes, and she should never offer suggestions unless you ask for them. If she sees that you are frustrated she can lend a hand, but if things are going fine and you are doing something differently than she would, that's your choice, it's your child.
Good Luck:)

Even though you're not w/ him during the day, are you setting aside time EACH day, after you get home SPECIFICALLY for the two of you? If not, you NEED TO! Just the two of you. That can be play, reading, bath, or combinations of things, but MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

You both will look forward to the time and you'll not feel so left out. Once he starts talking, etc. you can begin to converse about things that happened during the day, etc. Right now, you just need to create that bonding and special time between you and your son.

It's hard even when your kids are in daycare/preschool. My four year old occassionally slips and calls me "Miss Shannon" (her teacher's name) and when she has to stay home from pre-school because she's sick, she cries because she misses "Miss Shannon." I don't think she ever cries about missing mommy when she's at school though.

Also, my mother watched my sister's kids for her when they were growing up, and they both have really close relationships with her now (one's 17, the other 20). They'll confide and ask for advice from Grandma on things that they wouldn't ever discuss with their mom (like boys and careers), so its good for them to have an adult that they are willing to ask for advice. I doubt they'd be as close to Grandma as they are if she hadn't watched them and helped raise them basically, and then they probably wouldn't be talking to anyone but other teenagers!!

Good Luck.

I agree with Sarah's response. I know I have no idea what your reasons are to work, so please don't take this as a judgement. Just know that from my experience of seeing how quickly children grow, and how fast your time to be with them--especially when they're little--goes, if you at all have the option of spending more time with him, do it. You have those feelings for a reason. It sounds corny, but that first night home from the hospital when I held my son I thought to myself, "so this is what it is like to really be in love." I was in love with my husband, but I had never felt such a bond with another human being. I'm sure you have similar feelings--they're supposed to be there because your son needs to bond with you. Circumstances arise that are sometimes out of your control, but whatever is within your control to change, change it.

If it can't be changed, then many other people here have offered some wonderful advice for dealing with your current situation. I wanted to offer a different perspective--especially if it might be of help.

First is he the only child there? If he is not the only child there the others may be doing things for him so he does not have to do things on his own. Second every child develops at their own pace so take everything she says with a grain for salt and give thanks that you have someone trustworthy and reliable that is watching your child and enabling you to work.

That said, if you one year old is not talking don't worry that much. Boys talk later than girls. However as a mom with a child with a speech imparment I need you to ask yourself there questions,

1) Has your son had any ear infections? If so how many. If more than one then you need to have his hearing checked.

2) If he has not had any that you are aware of, is he spontaneously babbling? (ma ma ma, da da da, any sounds at all).

If he is not, you need to have his hearing checked and then insist that the doctor have him checked for other things like speech delay, etc.. My doctor suggested waiting and while he had the best intentions, I missed out on a lot of free early intervention programs. My son was diagnosed at 2 years 4 months by children's hospital. The early intervention program would not accept the evaluation and had to do one of their one. They purposely dragged out the proceedure until my son was past their cut off at two and 1/2 and then just passed us onto the school district.

My son has and IEP which the school is not following because they don't have the resources and he is in a room with 7 other children who's parents/caretakers are warehouseing them.

Also my MIL is always telling me how smart my sil son is.
I know that she favors him because she is closer to my sil then to us.

And yes we all feel this way. Its hard not to feel resentful whether or not someone is criticizing your child or playing up someone else's child. But every child is unique and special. Also you can have you husband tell her (since he is her son) that she is being hurtfull to you and to him by bringing things up in front of the family, that those things are best being said in private. Especially if she waits and only brings those things up in front of others. But keep this in mind, she may get made and even refuse to care for your son so be carefull. Good Luck.

I am not in your situation but am on the other side in a way. I watch my sister law's two boys three days a week. I find myself wanting to correct them and care for them even when she is around. It is what I am used to doing. It is hard to leave the role of caregiver and step back. I don't think your mother in law is trying to take over, she is just doing what she is used to doing. I think your feelings are normal for any working mom. I can imagine it is hard and frustrating for you. Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? If so perhaps you could talk about your feelings with her and try to get her to understand how you feel.

My children thought that their Grandmother(MIL) walked on water until the day that she left this earth. She always took care of the children when another child was born. We had four childrn under 6. For years I tried to compete with her to be seen as perfect by my husband and my children. I finally realized that it was my own self esteem that was in the way. I had to establish my own place in my children's lives and be Mom. As Grandma now I am very close to my Grandchildren but try hard not to be in competition with their parents. My MIL was a very special person iher own right and I was jealous but sometimes we as women think we can do it all. We can work, be a full time Mom, wife,and complete all of the other jobs that come with the territory.You can share with your MIL how sad you feel at missing some of the changes that your son is making and that you will watch for them at home. "I know, isn't that special" was one of my favorite phases and I said it often to baby sitters and other family members.Be the loving nurturing Mom that you want to be and Grandma can be a special person too.

i had to work through all of my three children's childhoods. They are all teenagers now and I would rewind the tape if I could and take a leave of absence from my job for at least the first five years of each childs life.
They grow up too fast and have way too little time for mom.

My husband was not on board with my staying home and I felt I had to placate him because he really did not want the kids in the first place.

If there is any way to be able to be a stay at home mom, I would reccommend it. No big house, nice car or nice furniture or any other material thing is worth more that being there for your children. My kids were basically raised by sitters and teachers and I really don't like the way they have turned out.

She loves him a great deal and considers him her responsibility. It is difficult to shut off the care giver hat when the parent is there. Count your blessings and try to bite your tongue look at it as positively as you can.

I am in the same boat! First off, our financial circumstances are such that we both need to work in order to provide our daughter with the best life possible. It is an individual choice based on a variety of factors. I would never pass judgment on a woman who chooses to stay at home, but I don't think those stay-at-home moms should assume that they know your household. I think we would all spend every minute of the day with our children if it would not endanger our financial well-being.
Now, to your main point - my MIL is the same way, and also is big on making sure we know what a HUGE burden it is asking her to care for our wonderful daughter. She calls me as soon as I get to my car at work and asks if I'm home yet so she can drop the baby off. Grr. But I am thankful, because I would be very nervous about sending her to daycare, where she is with people who don't love her.
You could try making the raising of your son a bonding experience for the two of you. When she starts talking about all the great things he does with her, you could pipe up with, "Oh, that's great. Guess what he did when we got home!"
If that doesn't work, you could talk to the hub about spending less family time at MIL's house. Maybe you could use that time to really connect as a family and fill in some of those gaps you've been feeling.
If all else fails, remember this. You are his mommy. There is no one like you and he will never, ever love any person better than you. No matter how much that person might like to think so.
Happy Mommy-ing!

It probably wouldn't matter who was watching your child, there is going to be a little jealousy and resentment towards the provider, whether hired or family. You have to take the good with the bad, and it always worse with the first child. When I had my first child, I wasn't lucky enough to live close enough to family so she was in daycare, and I remember even there them telling me that she was moving all over the place. When I asked how she was getting around I was told crawling. I never saw her crawl for another month or more. So, I thought they must have been lying and she was rolling around instead, because I wasn't willing to believe I missed one of her firsts. But not living near my family, when we were visiting, Mom would still give me sometimes unwanted advise and try to tell me how to do things. I also know that in my case, I tend to take advise from my mom better than I do from my husband's family, and even tend to get upset when his family correct my children but it doesn't really bother me when my family corrects them. And don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws a great deal and get along with them well, but they do things differently than I do, and my mom pretty much does it my way. When I talk to my husband about how whatever it is that bothered me, he doesn't see it that way because that is how he was raised.

So, I think you are dealing with a lot deeper issues than just that your MIL is parenting your son when you are around. On one hand you want your son to be close and comfortable when he is in her care, but on the other hand you want to be your son's everything, which you are (even though it doesn't always feel like it), and as far as unwanted advise, I did get advise from my daycare provider at times. I think it is hard to be around children all the time and not make suggestions just daycare providers tend to do it more passive and less demanding. One thing my providers did try to do was not tell me if they saw a milestone before I did. They kept it quiet. I still wonder if they saw her first steps before they say they did. One day when I went to pick her up when I walked in the room they stood her up and when she saw me she took 4 steps to get to me. I will always hold in my heart that those were her first, but I wonder if she had done it that day and so they intentionally stood her up so that she would do it for me. If you are at your MIL's house, then it is going to be very difficult for her to separate herself from being the caregiver from being the grandparent. If she watches him in her home and you are at her home then she has her rules of her house set and you should not expect them to be different just because you are around. You do not want to confuse your son. Also, by you saying that he is not talking yet, but she is telling you what your son is saying, it is amazing how being around a baby what sounds they make for certain things. My husband gets very confused with my 2 year old now. He will ask to eat when he is hungry, and he will ask to eat when he wants a drink, and I know how to tell the difference. My twins had twin talk and I broke the code to that and could tell what they were saying. Mama meant different things depending on the tone of how they said it, and only I knew that, but they were not ""talking yet. Mind you when the twins came along I was a stay at home mom then so I heard it and recognized the different meanings. With my daughter it took me a long time to figure out what her different sounds were for words. Your MIL may be picking up on these sounds and calling them talking, and eventually those sounds will become the actual words.

I know this is long, but I was hoping to shed some light on probably why she is acting the ways she does, and that no, you are not alone in your feelings. You really do have the best option for child care. I would have loved to have had a family member watch my daughter. Not only for the fact that it would have been someone else that truely loves her and another relationship for her to have that bond from so far back. She would never know who watched her now from her daycare. But I also would have preferred to have a family member as daycare is outrageous to afford, which is why I became a SAHM when I found out my second pregnancy was twins. I could not afford to work once they were born. I have always thought it was unfair that you have these beautiful babies, and yet you pay someone to spend time with them when they are at their best. When you come home from work they are usually crabby, and time is rushed, and you only have about 4 good hours before you put them to sleep. They get the good 8 or more hours when they are playing, happy, and fun, with a naptime break or two. Hang in there, you are doing what is right for your family, and try as hard as it is to see the bright side and understand while annoying it is probably best that the rules not change when there. If her parenting continues outside of her house or at your house them maybe your rules need to be explained, and maybe your hubby can talk to her about laying off a bit even at her house too. Maybe by you enforcing her rules at her house instead of her doing it so much. Hope this helps a bit.

A..... I can be really hard. You want to be with your son but probably have to work or have gone to school and want to use the education that you worked so hard to obtain. MIL can be difficult under the best of situations. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is not doing it on purpose. Maybe if you give it some time it will get better. That being said if it doesn't get better I think that you should find an alternative sitter. Maybe a couple of days a week saying the baby needs more interaction with other children. That way its not so much time with the family. You don't want to let the problem escalate and cause a permanent rift filled with resentment.

my mother watches my daughter while i work and she and i have this problem every so often so i understand completely. i would have a talk with her if you two have a close relationship. if not have your husband broach the subject with her. but just let her know how much you appreciate her helping you, but when you are there with your son to please make sure that she gives you the floor to raise your son. since you don't get to be with him all day and you would really like to soak up all the time that you do have with him. but at family events make sure you throw it out there to the fam, little things to make her feel included too. because the truth is that she is helping you raise your son just like your husband is and she needs to be acknowledged too. because you know how us women are and we get testy if we feel under-appreciated. hope this helps!!!!!