http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/Death-tied-to-vap...
A good friend of my oldest son, who is 18, committed suicide Friday. They all graduated together, a small circle of supersmart technogeeks boys. A few chose the same college my son did, a few chose this boy's college. They have not been in touch much since they all went off to school. But in high school were close friends, into all things math/science/technology, and avid gamers.
This is a new angle of parenting for me. I did not go through this myself as a teenager either.
The service is today at 4pm. My son is going with a group of friends. It is likely going to be the most difficult day of his life thus far.
I have been bringing it up, and discussing it with him as much as possible. It's difficult for me to gage the effect this will have on him.
I don't want to create MORE drama for him than there is, but I certainly don't want to downplay it's importance in his life.
So I guess my question is, has anyone been through this, as a teenager, or as a parent?
Honestly, my heart is just broken, for the boy's family especially his mom, but also for my son. I don't even know how a kid processes these things.
Any comments at all are welcome.
Thanks Moms!
I should also mention, his Mom has a FB page called In Memory Of Joshua James Brisbin, if you want to 'like' it. I think it would help her if she had very very many 'like's. At least I THINK so, I don't really know. I cannot imagine what she is feeling. At least there would be the strength of many Moms behind her.
I wouldn't try to make him talk about it with you. Let him know you are there if he wants to talk.
But also explore some kind of grief counseling. He might be more comfortable talking to someone else who has gone through something similar.
I lost one of my best friends when I was 16. It is very difficult. Just be there for him as much as you can. Talk to him, but don't push him.
Keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Honestly, though, what got me through that time in my life was my mutual friends. We got together a lot and talked about our friend and shared stories and memories. I also went to her moms house and spent time with her. We all grieved together. Can you coordinate a get-together for all the boys?
Good luck. It's tough, but he will get through it. I still have bad days and it was 20+ years ago for me.
You're all in my prayers!!
My friend commited suicide when we were 17. Its really hard. Its hard to know that you lost your friend, but its really weird to discribe, but along with the greiving, there is this major blow that they took their own life. You start thinking, Why didnt I know he felt that bad? Why didnt I do anything? The whole process is very hard, just let him know you are always there. He may want to be alone, he might not be able to be alone. You are a great mom, and he knows your there, that will be a good feeling so he knows hes not alone. Being with his friends that are going through it too will help. Sorry to hear about this Theresa, it is such a sad time. Its been 11 years and I still wonder what could have been. Its such a shame.
So, so, so very sad. I'm sorry your family is going through this.
All I can offer is that your son might need to hear that we all make our own choices in life. Use this as an example to show that no matter WHAT we are dealing with, suicide as a reaction, is extreme. In most cases, people are so depressed that they cannot think straight when making decisions and choices. Depression is a type of mental illness. No O. who is not mentally ill would choose suicide. It's illogical to those of us who are not depressed and not ill.
You can let him know that ALL things (good AND bad) happen for a reason and even though he may not understand that reason right now, his friend's death is not in vain. Someone, somewhere will be reached by this event.
I lost my 15yr brother when I was 13yr old and it has been 17 years in June. It was not suicide but a lot of the grief is the same though no one goes through it the same way.
Here is what helped me:
-Talk, talk and more talk, but do it on his terms. Don't force the issue.
- Don't avoid talking about his friend because you think that it will hurt him more.
- Share your memories, it will be painful, but it helps too.
- Give him space to be sad without smothering him.
- Help him come up with some way to honor his friend... a letter, story, picture, project... We had a a memory book at my brother's service where people could write something. It was really wonderful to go back years later and read again.
Suicide adds a whole new dimension of guilt to the people left behind, so I would suggest that you look into a group of some kind for your son. I went to a counseling group for years and it was very helpful. It was not an "official" counseling session, just a group of teenagers that had all lost someone.
If your son is not open to a group session, you might just suggest that he gather a group of their mutal friends and have a simple party to honor and remember his friend for all the good things.
It is going to be hard, there is nothing worse than watching your children in pain, but I think it is wonderful that you are so proactively searching for ways to help your son.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Yet another senseless teen suicide. It makes my heart so heavy that there are seemingly so many young people who cannot see past whatever bad things are going on in their lives. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My son, now 16, knew of someone who committed suicide 2 summers ago. They were not good friends, but went to the same camp. Even so, my son was very shaken up by it. We had some good conversations about it, but it was a real eye-opener for him to think that someone his age would do something so drastic. I hope that today's service will be meaningful for your son and give him some peace and understanding about this terrible tragedy :(
I'm so sorry for the loss of this young life :-( Breaks my heart when I hear about this, and it happens all too often! Hubs being a Firefighter/paramedic is usually a first responder to these things - I dont know how he does it :-(
I feel terrible your son has to deal with this and you as a Mother... What can you do for him and his pain?? :-( OMG Just be there for him. To sit together in silence or talk ~ Whatever he needs. Let him know How Very Important HE IS and LIFE IS and that No One will ever know why his friend did this, and no one could have prevented it.....
Your family and Joshua's are in my prayers
xoxoxoxox
I haven't been through a suicide, but my dad passed away when my little brother was 14. He had just started his freshman basketball season. The night after our dad died, we all gathered together (family and friends) in the high school gym to watch my brother play basketball. All he wanted to do was hang out with friends and play ball. (boy, this makes me cry just thinking about it again)...
Anyway, what I learned through this was that kids do what they know when dealing with tragety. They find comfort in doing their "normal" things. Its not to say that they shouldn't open up or talk, but its super hard for them. My brother and I would talk a little, but mostly sat together and hugged or cried, not a lot of talking. Its just so hard for them at that age. Mostly I would ask him if he was talking to someone about it. He had a girl friend at the time and she was very helpful for him and talked to him. I was comforted in knowing he was talking to someone at least.
I think with your son, he is dealing with this the only way he knows how. All you can do is encourage him to talk, but not force it. As long as you don't see any real signs of trouble and he is opening up a little bit at a time, its all you can expect.
I think at this point just being there is what you need to do. Your son is probably still processing the information and after the service it will become more "real".
Be there and listen when he needs you.
