Any Experienced Parent That's Good in Bad Behavior

I am a behavioral therapist who has worked with Autistic children for over a year now... I would love to help you out with some ideas. Please write me at ____@____.com

K.

Hi M.!

I too have a 22 month old, but I have 6 week old. I feel your pain. I have found I cannot turn my head for a second or E---- is climbing up in the baby's bouncy seat or swiping his pacifier or hitting him on top of the head. He doesn't understand that the baby can't play with him - I know he doesn't intend to be ugly. Telling him 'NO' just makes him mad and then he does get ugly. Sometimes your first reaction is to spat on the leg, but I didn't think that would serve a purpose in this case. I tried setting him on a naughty spot too and that didn't do anyting either. What does seem to be working is . . . I got a timer and set it for a minute and a half and set it on his dresser. When he would get near the baby I would firmly warn him ONCE,"E---- if you touch G----- you will go to your room." I would let him know that he could talk to him or lean down and kiss him, but if he hit him or shook his chair he would be going to his room. When he did it, I would take him to his room, remind him why he was there, set the timer and close the door. (I had to hold the door closed because he can open it, but after a couple of times, he doesn't mess with it as much). He cried - ALOT!, but I left him in there for the minute and a half that seemed like an hour. And when the timer went off, I stepped back in his room gave him a hug, asked him to please not mess with G----- and then to tell G----- he was sorry. He was sent to his room twice and since then the warning has worked. This has also worked with some other issues we have had, throwing toys, messing with the computer, throwing a fit if he doesn't get his way - it seems to be working well for us. Maybe you can try that. I sure this helps you like it has us! Please let me know how things go.
A.

Dear M.,

I'd just like to respond with the book that has been the most effective for our family: "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. We've enjoyed this book more than others because it goes deeper than just behavior modification - it focuses on the heart & attitudes, from which all behavior flows. I've found it used on www.amazon.com

Blessings,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

Hello, I have a 3 & 4 year old daughter. Our 3yr old is touch and go. Somedays she loves on her sister so much you would think she couldn't live without her and other days she does the exorist and is a completely angry child. She use to bite her sister, hit her sister with a closed fist, take things and bash her in the head, etc. I even got to the point that I spoke to a child therapist about the behavior. This is what I was told and it seemed to help:

The idea of time for a child is nonexistant. So when a child is doing something and you come out and say to pack it up, they become frustrated. The only way to get that frustration out is to take it out on something because they don't really have the vocabulary or understanding yet to tell you what they are feeling so the siblings get the brunt of it. The best thing to do is get a timer. Before you set them out to do anything i.e play time, bath time, time out, etc let the child know "You have X amount of time and when the dinger dings, times up." Before the dinger dings, you give them a heads up "you have 1 more minute to finish than it goes away done or not." They are better equip to handle it in this fashion or not. The TIMER method must be applied to everything the child does.

As for the hurtful behavior, children don't know the concept of pain or the pain they inflict on others. They just feel frustrated and don't know how to release it in a proper way. One way is to talk to them when you see the behavior brewing and say "are you feeling frustrated" and then take the child to park to run around to release the energy or sit and read a book about behavior to redirect the behavior. The idea is to acknowledge the behavior and teach your child how to release it in a positive way.

I hope this helps because it's helped my youngest. She still has her tantrums but she can better release it by putting her in a quiet space for alone time and sometimeswe all need that. Why wouldn't children?!

Good luck to you.

My son, when he was about where your at would try to see what he could get away with. Didn't matter if it was crying, throwing a fit, screaming, hitting, and sometimes biting.

Just remember this...that all kids are like "little wild animals". They need to be trained in how to behave. There is some book I read when I was where you are at but, I'm sorry, I can't remember it right now.

I always felt bad when I spanked but then it finally works or the time outs do too when they realize that it will keep happening and you don't care how ridiculous their behavior is. No matter what they do, they kid doesn't win. Make sure that you do, everytime! Good luck, K.

I too have a 22 month old little boy who is going through the same thing. The only difference is that he was pulling his older sister's hair to the point where I began to notice little bald patches. I have had to stay as consistent as I possibly can when it comes to discipline. I put my son in time out for 2 minutes (he's almost 2 anyway) and make him apologize to his sister. Even if the behavior was provoked by his sister (which it often is) I still give him that consequence. He hates time out! If time out doesn't seem to bother your son, then consider putting his favorite toy in time out....where he can see it. Or find his currency....whatever it is that he treasures at the moment. I worked on this for several months before the behavior stopped. This behavior won't last forever. Be patient and consistent!

Hi-

I have a 4 year-old son who used to have behavior that your son has, except he would take out his frustration on the dog! We tried the "NO" bit, too, but got much better results with saying, "Oh, you must be so tired if you are acting that way", then head toward his bedroom. This isn't an angry thing, just matter-of-fact, helping him to bed. After several times, he realized that he had better not act up because he SURE doesn't want to go to bed.

I think the main thing is to figure out what your son's "currency" is. It might be the bed thing, TV, a favorite toy or whatever. It looks like you're not really getting him where he "lives" yet.

Good luck,
S.

Being a mother of two girls and it is actually the younger one who hauls off and hits her older sister.. I can pretty much relate. Try sitting down and talking with him and ask him why he does this with his sister that's what I do with the both of my kids *they are turning 3 and 5* and I have talked to them on how important they are to one another as well as remind them of all the good times we all have together. There is also times to where I make a "mommy and kids" and a "me and my daughter" moment. Meaning I take one daughter and spend some time with her and then after a length of time is up that I plan out, I go and spend time with the other child so not to have them feel left out. It has worked so far for me and my girls.. maybe it can help you as well.

My two daughters are about 21 month apart (4yo. and 2.5yo) I could not figure out for the longest why my youngest (yes, my youngest) was really getting angry at my oldest and pulling her hair and biting her. It was horrible. After talking to my own mom about this for some advice, she did suggest that I stopped making it about my oldest. For instance, if my youngest was playing with my oldests doll and she wanted it back. Instead of me saying "give that back to Madison, she was playing with it - it's hers" I would just re-direct her to another toy. By doing this, she did not get angry with my oldest. Basically, if you need to come in because your baby needs to take a nap....although that is why you are coming in, don't even make it about that to your son. I am not saying this is the problem, just an example. Good Luck

You may choose to first try the "withhold" method..."Son, we don't hurt one another and if you chose to hurt your sister again I'm going to take away your (whatever is treasured to him)until tomorrow". Always follow-thru and give the commands firmly and without anger. If this doesn't work try the time-out and make him adhere to the "naughty spot" - even if it takes 2 hours. I have 2 yo twins...I've been trying these techniques with great success since they were 17 months old.

I also tell them "It's okay to be upset but it's not okay to hit your sister".

Well the things you "try" tells me you only do them until you get tired of doing it. If you give in after 3 minutes, he will keep the behavior up for 4 the next time to see if you will give in. You have to be consistent no matter how much it "breaks your heart" to discipline your child. How much will it break your heart when he looks at his teacher and says "my mom can't make me do things so what makes you think you can?"

Although i am not a teacher I have volunteered at my sons school a lot and have actually heard a kindergartener tell a teacher that and the kid thought it was funny that the teacher was speechless. I was appalled. I am not perfect as a parent and I have my own weaknesses but in dealing with a child with Bipolar I have had to learn to be so tough with parenting that he can't squeeze a nickel out of his pocket without me knowing about it. I don't like it but no matter how much it breaks my heart. I do not want my son to rebel from authority at home, much less at school, church, the mall or anywhere else he goes.

How much will it break your heart when he plays with the kid down the street and bops them over the head cause he doesn't like what they do, or hits a kid at school because they cut in front of him? Discipline must be in place as a toddler because if not it may be too late to help your child be successful. You can't start when the teacher says "Johnny doesn't understand the consequences of his actions". Consistency is the key. Put him on a naughtly spot and firmly tell him "you cannot be allowed to hurt anyone" then when you have put him on the spot 487 times and he finally stays and you are both exhausted you can look in the mirror and say "I finally won". Then the next time, it may only take 300 times of putting him back but the next time it may take only 100 and then before you know it you might have him walking to the spot when you point and say "go". Yes it will break your heart but in the long run it will be worth it. Be sure you teach your children that family is a safe haven. The world is a rough and tumble place. If we can't be safe within our family relationships it is an even harder existence we face day to day.

I hope this does not sound too harsh but as a nurse I have seen the consequences of people not respecting others.
You have to teach him to respect others and it starts by you respecting and loving him enough to discipline him. You have to set limits for him or he does not know what is okay and what is not. If "no" sets him off then he needs to be in the naughty spot until he can handle "no" or you will have a tough road to raise two kids where they are both safe. Your youngest must be scared of her brother or if she isn't as she gets older she will start to either fear him or try to be stronger than him. What kind of atmosphere will that be for her to be afraid of her own brother and moma nd dad do nothing to help her? Look at the long term outcomes if you don't change his behavior NOW. Get dad on board and start disciplining and buy super glue for your broken heart. Better for it to be broken now than when the cops knock on your door and want to talk to him.

C.

Hi M.
I don't know how much my advice will help you, but I'll give it a shot.
Certain toddlers approaching their 2's get very engrossed in whatever it is they are doing . So you have to have to start telling them about 10-15 minutes ahead of time that they will have to say come inside the house after playing , or go to bed, eat dinner , etc.
Also at that age they just don't know how to be gentle. My toddler was like that . What I would do ,is let him get more involved in little things that you do with your daughter. Like changing the diaper, bathing the baby , feeding the baby. It can be very challenging to do this , but always count to ten (slowly, take a breath inbetween) and let him participate. That way he will feel like he is part of the routine of taking care of the Baby.
When you put your son in a naughty spot or time out , take the time to get down to his level tellling him what he did wrong and why mommy is upset , then return every 2 minutes to reinforce the time out . Eventually he will come around and say sorry.I know on the Nanny it works great , but away from TV it's a great challenge . Even though it's a lot of work M. , the key is being consistent .Do keep in mind that these little people will challenge us on this matter every day .
Your little one hit's his sister not out of anger but frustration, I would think. She is the smallest one in the house . He knows that hitting anyone else will cause consequences for him . Don't get frustrated , in time that behavior will cease. Good luck.

Hi M.,

This is normal behavior for a child his age. He's getting into the terrible twos and is trying to exercise some independence. My son went through the same thing. He'll grow out of it, but for the time being, give him the opportunity to make more decisions.

C.

I have a question.... I've read all of the other posters so far and I agree with the timer approach... it does work. And I also agree that he is frustrated about a situation that he has no control over so he tries to 'control' something/someone and in this case the baby. But my question is... Why is NO such a bad word? As adults we hear NO all of the time... and our children will hear NO A LOT in school... why is everyone protecting their children from the word NO? If my child does something in school that they shouldn't, the teacher does not say.."you must be tired, why don't you have a nap?" She tells them NO, that is not allowed and that is against our rules! The rules are posted on the first day of school... every kid knows what is allowed and what is not... along with what will happen when a rule is broken (ie... no recess, time out room, writing lines etc. etc.) Seems to me that if your child knows the rules and knows what will happen when they break the rules then all that is left to do is to be consistent and follow through with the punishment. Yes, praise good behavior but also punish bad behavior!!!

Hate to put it this way, and please don't laugh. One, diversion. Two, catch him being good. When he's good,give spontaneous positive support: I like how you're playing so nicely with X, Wow, thanks for coming in so happily. Good job in the Grocery Store, etc etc etc. When he is misbehaving, redirect him/ Positive training. Believe it or not, check out a good puppy training book...check out sit in with Rob Cary Pet Resort training here in San Antonio....positive reinforcement works much better than adversarial response. Wether or not your child is behaving well or not.